Not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
Sheryl Crow – I Shall Believe
Being at home was like a breath of fresh air. The familiar surroundings were a comfort, everything I needed and wanted was in reach, and for the first time in a long time I felt a distinguished sense of pride over the fact I could simply get it myself.
I'd been home for over a month now, I was still visiting the out patient rehab faculty at least twice a week. My schedule was full of Aerobics, water therapy and gruelling courses on the treadmill, saying that I felt like I was getting better. It didn't hurt to laugh anymore, walking wasn't a chore and I could lift small weights, and cereal boxes. Cereal boxes were the one thing that Tim let me lift, even hardback books he regarded with suspicion, mentally tallying up the damage they could do if one was just that little bit too heavy.
I couldn't drive yet, and I hadn't gone back to work.
After leaving the Rehab Faculty that doubled as a nursing home, the muscles in my chest had become infected that had rendered me practically lethargic for five days, Tim had rushed me to hospital after hearing me cough up mucus in the bathroom before his shift. My chest had been in severe pain from the heaving of my lungs and they'd been forced to give me pure oxygen to help me breathe. I had been on the strongest course of antibiotics they could give someone like me, and in turn those had made me sick too. After an over night stay I was back at home and sleeping away the four days in bed because the pain in my chest was so great and the nausea constant.
It was almost two weeks before I was actually well again but I was told to watch out for infections in the future, my chest and lungs were weak so were prone to problems.
The best part of being sick and at home was the fact I got to curl up on my own sofa, underneath a blanket and watch any show I wanted, I had an extensive cable package and made full use of it. The couch was so comfortable it was practically becoming my bed. After the intense physiotherapy sessions, I would come home and shower before curling up on the couch with a book or with a movie. I'd woken up many a time to Tim stroking my hair with his hand as he flicked through to the Discovery channel.
Aerobics had been better today; it was easier to breathe through the pain now, more than it ever had been. Autumn had come along to keep me company and it was nice to know that I was not the only one struggling, she'd dropped me off after the class with a kiss on the cheek and a wave, making sure I got into the house ok before she drove away.
If Tim couldn't pick me up he always made sure I had a designated driver on standby. Mostly Calleigh or Eric but sometimes it was Tripp. When it was Tripp he usually took me out for a snack or a coffee to lighten up my day. It was nice to talk to the father figure in my life and he kept me entertained with stories and witticisms from the cases he was pulling at the moment. It made me feel like part of the team, I liked the inclusion despite the fact I was out of the field and would be for a long time.
On Wednesdays when Tim had the late shift Calleigh would come over and cook dinner, she whipped up the most wonderful Southern dishes I had ever tasted, and would sleep in the spare room once I was settled.
Even though I was being babysat I relished the company, it was enjoyable to have people around me. It made me feel loved and wanted.
Despite the fact I was getting better there were still some habits and issues that lingered. One's that I wasn't sure I would ever shake. I couldn't get changed in the same room as Tim like I had before the fall. I was petrified of that scar, and spent hours looking at it in the bathroom mirror. It was ugly and awful. Although it repulsed me I knew I'd have to learn to live with it someday, it was just trying that was the hardest part.
We hadn't been together in over seven months now, since before the fall. In the beginning it was because I was too sick to. It had never crossed our minds but now, it was like the elephant in the room standing between us. We had tried but the scar, whenever his hand touched it or my shirt rose up, I froze. I just couldn't let him see it, because I knew it would disgust him as much as it revolted me.
I always slept on my back now too, and I know that annoys Tim to no end but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'd gotten into the habit because it hurt my chest to sleep any other way but now, my chest wasn't in pain at all until I strained it and I still couldn't shake that.
The memories of all that agony were too raw for me. It seemed stupid to think I was taking a risk if I didn't sleep on my back but that's what it felt like. Psychologically it panicked me if I rolled onto my side, or even my stomach. Tim had taken to letting his arm slope across my lower body now, his hand resting on my thigh, his face buried into the curve of my neck instead of the way we used to sleep together. His arm never went higher than my stomach; he didn't want to put the extra weight on my chest.
If I'm honest I missed the sex, I missed the closeness and the completion it brought with Tim. We were close now; we knew things about each other we'd never known before, seen sides that we hadn't known existed but it was something else to experience that physically. Tim had stopped trying after the first few times when I'd freaked out or become uncomfortable, it wasn't the rejection that fazed him but the emotional effect getting close to me had.
My freak-out's were like tantrums, I wanted to give him everything he wanted, that I wanted too but I couldn't. There were too many factors that rushed through my brain, and I could never completely relax.
The jingling in the lock alerted me to the use of Tim's key. We were practically living together these days. That hadn't been the original plan. When I got out of the rehab centre, Tim was supposed to move back to his place in order to give me a little space and freedom. We'd been living in each others pockets over the past seven months so it was time for a break.
Only when I'd caught the chest infection, I'd been so sick I could barely pull myself out of the bathroom let alone grab the phone. That in turn had made us both paranoid about leaving me alone for long periods of time. It was easier for him to live here and take care of me at the moment than it was to be apart, and I have to admit I liked the company, especially at night.
There were nightmares now, new ones, they were worse than before, more frightening. In them I could hear Clavo laughing, and then the crunch when I hit the ground. Sometimes they were worse than that. Sometimes I could hear a baby crying in the background; it was those ones that really tore me up.
We'd talked about the baby when I'd gotten better. He'd found my letters, he said they'd given him hope for us in a time where all he could see was darkness. It was the most profound thing to ever exit his mouth. It had hurt knowing that our child had never had a chance, but at the same time it opened a new option to us. The possibility of children, of one day the two of us having a family of our own. I was a strange sensation for me but I knew in the bottom of my heart that this was God preparing me for something, who knew what. It had certainly changed my views, my attitude towards life.
The door opened into the living room, and Tim appeared, hiding a yawn behind the back of his hand. I tilted my head towards him, taking in his trim figure in those smart jeans and the muscle hugging wine coloured shirt. I had to say next to the white one this shirt was my favourite. A hot flush resonated through my body giving way to an urge I badly needed to fix.
He ran a hand through his dark curls; he'd gotten his hair cut a little after I'd gotten home because his hair had started to get unruly. He rubbed a hand across his stubble, it was threatening to grow into a full fledged beard and although I loved the stubble, a beard made Tim look like a cave man. So I'd bought him a new razor and carefully placed it somewhere within his eyelevel in the bathroom, hoping that one morning he may get the incentive to use it.
"You checking me out?" he teased, leaning over the arm of the couch and placing a chaste kiss on my lips.
"Hm, maybe." I replied, my body arching towards him on its own accord.
I felt him place something in my lap before I hoped my eyes as he drew away.
"Calleigh told me to give you that." He explained, straightening up and moving towards the kitchen. "You want anything, tea? You eaten?"
I looked down and saw a cream envelope resting on my knees, my name embossed on the front. It looked expensive.
"No I'm good." I called to him, flipping over the envelope and using my finger to break the seal.
"I'm thinking about ordering pizza later. You, me, the blanket and whatever movies on pay per view." Tim said lingering in the archway, chewing at a muesli bar.
"I hope your talking about Sky Movies and not the Red Hot Channel." I retorted, sliding the white card out of the envelope.
"It anything good?" he questioned between mouthfuls of fruit and muesli.
"It's an invitation to a Charity Ball; all proceeds go to the Burns Unit of Grace Memorial. It's being held by the parents of one of the people who died in the fire at Club Descent. I remember seeing her name outside the club when people were putting all the wreaths down." I recalled.
Tim shrugged.
"It's a good cause; the Burn Unit needs more funding, along with the rest of the hospital." He stated, returning to the kitchen to put his muesli bar wrapper in the trash.
"It is." I agreed, fluttering my eyelashes as he stepped back into the room.
He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Come on Kate. You know me I'm not the kind of guy who wears a tux. I don't look good in one and their all tight around the neck. It makes me feel like I'm on parade or something, and I don't play nice with rich people." He told me, biting his lip.
I said nothing; instead I looked up at him with wide, glistening eyes, throwing in a little sniffling for effect as I pulled my sad face.
"No don't do that, it's an evil face. It's not fair to use that face." He said pointing at me.
I pulled the blanket up from my knees and pulled it up to my chin, turning on the puppy dog eyes to their full extent.
"Please Tim...I really wanna go. It'll be the first time we've really been out since I got out of hospital." I pleaded.
"Hey, I take you on dates..." he reminded me.
"I know but this..." I held up the invite with one hand. "Is like a party, and I haven't been to a party in so long, I just thought because I missed New Year that we could go to this instead, it'll be like New Year all over again. Just in July."
Tim frowned at my reasoning, his forehead scrunching above his eyes. I knew I was getting to him.
"And it's a good cause, they've taken the time to make sure we were personally invited, see it's got your name on it too." I held it up to show him.
Speed squinted at it, narrowing his eyes as he took it in before letting out a sigh and fixing me with his intense dark gaze.
"You really wanna go?" he questioned.
I nodded vigorously.
"It'll be fun; I'll get to wear a pretty dress. I'll actually have a reason to wear make up." I said to myself thoughtfully.
"Well I better tell Calleigh that you're up for that shopping trip she's been chattering about." He remarked, unclipping his cell phone from his belt as he sat down beside me.
"Oh my God, you knew and you made me beg?! You are mean!" I said hitting him with a cushion from the couch.
Tim raised his arms to defend himself, snatching the cushion from my hands and chucking it on the floor.
"I'm not wearing a tuxedo though; I have a suit upstairs I bought in case..." he trailed off.
"That's ok, you look better in a black suit, hm... a white shirt too." I reached out, fixing his collar as he leaned over me.
I was lying on my back now underneath him. He was posed over me on his elbows trying to keep his weight off my upper body as I lay underneath him. Our faces were inches apart; I laced my fingers on the back of his neck, enjoying the ability to simply stare into his eyes.
"How was rehab today?" he asked kissing my nose and then my chin before straying up to my forehead.
"It was easier..." I informed him, laughing as he rubbed noses with me. "Less pain, more like being at the gym as opposed to fixing my chest."
"Horatio was asking about you." Tim notified me. "He wanted to now how you were feeling after the chest infection and whether you were ready to come back to work yet?"
"I will call him later with an update on the situation." I informed Tim, closing my eyes, and enjoying the sensation of just being here with him.
"You are going to sleep." He tapped my nose lightly with his.
"Hm." I mumbled, nuzzling at his neck. "Will you wake me up when you're ordering pizza?"
"Of course," he kissed the corner of my mouth. "I will even let you choose the movie tonight."
"No more March of The Penguins. I'm starting to see them in my sleep." I muttered, my hands wrapping around his waist and staying there.
"You know if I fall asleep right now my weight will probably kill you." Tim mentioned casually.
"You make it sound like a bad thing." I retorted drowsily.
There was silence between us for a few minutes before I felt his weight shift as he removed himself from the sofa. I sighed, letting my head turn towards him, eyes flickering open.
"You worry too much." I told him as he draped the blanket over me.
He crouched down besides me his lips brushing my forehead.
"You don't worry enough."
"You're going to make us late." I called into the bathroom, as I clipped on my earrings in the full length mirror in my room.
Tim stepped out of the en-suite, his hands still fiddling with the noose he'd created, his expression shifting from immense annoyance to something softer when his eyes landed on me.
"What? Does it look ok?" I asked worrisomely, turning on the spot so he could examine every angle.
The dress I was wearing was a floor length, black, satin affair. The thick black straps curved over my collarbone from the edges of the dress and fixed firmly around the back of my neck. The dress was backless, it hugged my feminine curves and dipped between my breasts, the dress covered my scar, and that's what I was glad for. The scar on my back was barely visible against the creamy colour of my skin.
My ebony hair was teased into loose curls and had been pinned up into a loose half up, half down style, tumbling down past my shoulders.
"You look..." Tim swallowed hard, looking me up and down. "You look stunning."
His cheeks flushed red as he cleared his throat and gazed down at his tie once again. I watched him bemused.
"Do I have to wear a tie? I mean I seriously hate these things, their restricting and there's something very wrong about tying a noose around your own neck. If I could get rid of one useless invention it would be ties..." he mumbled twisting the tie around his throat and snarling at it.
"Fine don't wear a tie." I shrugged, one hand on my hip. "Just undo a button or two."
He threw the tie down on the bed and did as he was told, looking at me expectantly.
"Maybe another and now another..." he glanced up at me, looking shocked.
"Are you trying to undress me?!" he asked in mock indignation.
I pursed my lips together and gave him my most innocent expression.
"You are a wicked woman." he said picking up his watch and fastening it to his wrist.
I picked up my small clutch handbag before meeting his gaze and winking.
"You wouldn't have me any other way."
The location of the ball was in Coral Gables, the expensive part of town. We caught a cab there so we could both drink. The ball room was part of a huge social club. When we'd stepped in I'd been amazed by the beauty and splendour of the place, there was a huge crystal chandelier over handing above us on the ceiling, it reminded me of the one from Phantom of the Opera.
The tables were decorated with burgundy, gold and white, the colours were ideal together and matched the balloons and decorations littered around the room. There were people already on the dance floor, swaying to the string quartet besides the DJ Decks. Obviously someone had decided to provide an array of music.
Tim's hand found mine, and our fingers entwined. I could tell he felt uncomfortable just from the way his eyes darted around the room searching for people we knew. I was anxious, this was my first real outing since my accident, and this was the first time people from work would see how far I'd come since the coma.
Calleigh was already on her feet and waving us over to a large table near the dance floor. She'd secured seats for the Crime Lab, so we were greeted by an array of people we knew, which was somewhat reassuring. Horatio was between Eric and Calleigh; Alexx was on the other side of Delko, protecting the two seats in between her and Tyler.
I glanced at the table beside ours; it was full of members of the MDPD. Tripp nodded his head at me as Yelina waved. Hagen tipped his drink in my direction; I recognized the amber liquid a mile away and suddenly felt unsure about being here. My accident had me vulnerable and weak.
Tim pulled out my chair for me, waiting for me to take it before heading the bar with Eric to obtain my order. I hadn't drank in a long time now, and wasn't about to over indulge myself any time soon, especially not with Hagen doing enough of that for both of us, he was on this third drink in twenty minutes.
The meal was lovely, the sirloin steak cooked to perfection and the double chocolate fudge cake was heaven in my mouth. The conversation flowed easy between the group, and it was nice to feel like I was around my family again. People had started to drift off towards the dance floor again; Calleigh had snared Eric and Bernstein and taken Autumn by the hand barely before the meal was over. The guy was enthusiastic and I knew he was creating the perfect romantic evening for something special tonight.
Autumn and Bernstein had been regular visitors at the hospital and the rehab clinic. They were even more regular once I'd gotten home, and was paralysed with sickness. Autumn had helped Tim and me through some of the darker days, and I knew it was a relief for Tim when he had to go to work knowing that her and Bernstein were around incase the sickness infection had taken turn for the worse.
Tim was back at the bar, in deep conversation with Tripp, I didn't even the ability to lip read but I knew they were talking about me. Tripp had been taken a supreme interest in my recovery; he was protective like my father would have been. So long as he didn't start questioning Tim on his intentions and threatening him with a shot gun we were good.
It was warm in the room. I could feel myself flushing under the heat despite the AC was on. I'd switched back to water after my first glass of Champagne had made me light headed.
A shadow fell over me and I looked up to see Tyler standing there his palm outstretched.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked me with a dimpled smile.
I glanced over my shoulder at Tim, who winked at me before continuing his conversation with Tripp.
"Sure." I answered setting my clutch bag down on the table, and taking Tyler's hand.
To my surprise Tyler was a good dancer, he informed me his mother had made him take ball room classes when he was a kid, and the movements had always stuck with him. I found myself laughing with him as he entertained with anecdotes of things that had been happening at the lab while I'd been away. It was nice to feel accepted again and Tyler made me feel like I'd never left.
"Are you alright, you look flushed?" Tyler asked, frowning.
"Yea, I'm just a little warm, it's hot in here." I responded with a weary smile.
"I think it's freezing the AC's too high." Tyler informed as he twirled me.
There was a tap on my left shoulder, and I saw Tyler's face darken as I twisted my face towards the person.
"May I cut in?" Hagen asked his hand already resting on my arm.
Tyler looked to me for a second, studying my face. I was more focused on the dull ache in my chest.
"I don't think Kate's feeling too well..." he stated.
"I'm fine." I murmured drawing a deep breath.
"You heard her she's fine. Just one dance and you can have her back." Hagen promised.
Tyler looked to me again, his face growing increasingly concerned. I nodded at him; he took a step a back. Hagen's arm looped around my waist, pulling me tightly against him. It was too close, too personal; with Tyler he always maintained a respectable distance. I knew this had been a very bad idea.
Hagen's body and mine swayed together, and it was the most awkward moment of my life. It was hot and claustrophobic. I could feel the sweat drenching my body.
"It's nice to see you up and on your feet again, I was worried about you." His lips were next to my ear.
I recoiled slightly; the room beginning to spin slowly, the heat was stifling. My breath was beginning to feel a little restricted.
"You look beautiful tonight." He whispered.
"John I need to...I don't feel very well." I told him trying to pull away.
His arms enclosed around me, pinning me to him.
"Just until the end of this song, I need to feel close to you." He murmured.
I jerked away as hard as I could, the room was moving quicker now, so fast I could barely stay standing. John's hand was on my arm again, there was panic in my chest, my breathing coming in short and rapid gasps. He was saying something but I couldn't hear him over the rushing of blood in my ears. I tried to wrench my arm away, succeeding I stumbled a few steps forward.
I could see Tim in eye range at the bar, Tyler was with him and Tripp now, he turned to face me, I reached out for him. His face was marred in an expression I couldn't place. He took a step towards me, his eyes wide, the colour draining from his face. My knees went weak and suddenly the darkness crashed down on me.
"It's alright I got her." Delko exclaimed, as he caught Kate.
Her head lolled onto his chest as her body sagged in his arms. Her forehead was pressing against his chest under the shirt he was wearing. He could feel the heat coming off her in waves. He'd moved to intercepted Hagen when he saw the other man grab Kate's arm; he hadn't realized it had been for a genuine reason.
Speed was beside him in an instant as was Alexx.
"Get her onto the floor." Alexx ordered.
Kate's head came to rest in Calleigh's lap as the other woman brushed the hair from her forehead. Her skin was waxy and her eyes looked hollow.
"What happened?" she asked, as Speed hovered over them worrisomely.
"She was complaining of being hot and she wasn't feeling well." Tyler submitted.
Horatio was crouched beside Alexx, as she took Kate's pulse. Alexx's hand moved to Kate's clammy forehead, the look on her face one of utmost concern.
"I need a damp cloth." She informed the group.
Delko was already striding towards the bar to fulfil that request.
"Alexx?" Horatio questioned.
"She's burning up Horatio; I think she's got a fever." Alexx told them.
"She's sick?" Tim asked quietly from his position behind Alexx.
"I need to see if her wounds weeping again so we're gonna have to take her somewhere private." Alexx said to Horatio pointedly.
It was going to involve taking her dress off and Alexx wanted to do it away from prying eyes.
"I'll see if one of the offices is empty." Tyler stated, before taking off in search of one.
Delko reappeared at Alexx's side, a damp bar towel in his hand. She took it from her gladly, patting Kate's forehead with it lightly, while they waited for Tyler to return.
My chest was stinging, but it was more the inside than out. The aching sensation was in my lungs, not the muscles. In the last few months I'd been able to distinguish between the two. I coughed suddenly; the effort was tremendous as I tried to choke back the mucus that was rising in my throat.
My skin was on fire and something was thrown on top of me restricted my ability to move.
My eyes flickered open and I could see things, I recognized but I couldn't put together because my mind was too jumbled. The last thing I remembered was Hagen. Oh God where was I?
"Tim?" I cried out, feeling suddenly very frightened.
I felt my lower lip tremble as I struggled against the heaviness upon me.
"Tim?"
"Shh, I'm here baby, I'm right here." I heard his voice to my left, before I twisted my head towards it.
His warm hand clasped mine as he knelt beside the bed, kissing my palm gently. My eyes darted around the room, taking in our surroundings.
"How did we get home?" I croaked groggily, my throat hurting.
"Alexx brought us back, she's downstairs with Horatio and Tripp. You fainted at the ball. Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" he asked me his voice breaking.
I brought my hand up to caress the side of his face, he kissed my wrist tenderly.
"I thought it was a sniffle." I told him. "I thought I was catching a cold, and I really wanted to go. I didn't know it was going to hit me this hard."
"You have a chest infection, the doctor's on his way to check you over but Alexx looked at your scar it wasn't weeping so not the muscles, we think it's just a really bad cold, and because your lungs are weak it's hitting you hard. You overexerted yourself." He chastised.
I sniffed, feeling pitiful and sad.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled. "I should have told you. I'm sorry I wrecked everyone's night."
Tim shook, his head, biting his lip as he tapped the end of my nose with his finger.
"This happens; nobody is judging you for it. Just... if you even feel ill next time just tell me so I can keep an eye on you. I shouldn't have left you a lone like that." He scolded himself.
"You deserved to have a little fun." I said patting his cheek lightly.
I sighed before daring to speak again.
"What if I'm like this forever?" I asked him. "What if I can't go back to work because I'm all weak and every time I catch a cold I collapse or something?"
"This is a stepping stone, its part of your recovery. You're trying to get better so fast... I can't understand how frustrating this must be, but you need to slow down and not exert yourself. The stress your bodies' under affects your immune system hence why this happened... You scared me tonight Kate." He admitted, running his hand through his hair, his lips clamped tightly together.
I buried my face in the duvet, exhaling deeply as Tim bowed his head.
The knock on the door jerked us both out of our silence, as Tim called for the Doctor to step in.
Alexx had deduced the condition correctly; the doctor had left a prescription of antibiotics, which Tim was collecting from the twenty hour pharmacy over a mile away. I found myself staring into the darkness of the window on the right side of my bed. Tripp and Horatio were downstairs, each coming up ever ten minutes to check on me. I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn't have to face them, while pondering on thing that had been going through my head since I'd woken up.
Would I have to put a bullet in my own brain for all this to end?