Lightening - Little Mix
Mercy - Shawn Mendes
(^I know I don't normally add songs but these just felt in keeping with the chapter. It's probably just my brain in all honesty but there you go.)
Harry's POV
Have you ever felt like time have just stopped. That you are suspended in space without being able to move or even twitch in any direction.
It all seems like a blur to me. An awful, stomach churning, nerve wracking blur of a memory and I only just left Liam's an hour ago.
I haven't felt like I can breathe since I left. Everything is heavy but broken.
Why did I let it get so bad? If I love her why did I say all those things? Did I really let my temper overtake everything else and ruin the best thing that I had in this world?
Even now, as I lay staring at the ceiling, I can't believe I said any of those things. All of those things. It seems so impossible and yet the constant pain in my chest is painful proof that it happened. That every word, every jab is real, lingering in the air I breath.
It's her face that I can't get out of my head. How hurt she looked before her eyes went dark and her whole demeanor changed to me. She closed herself off for good.
I don't even blame her. I'd do the same thing.
There really is no going back from what happened, I don't see how we can. I know how Emma is, she needed to take things in her own time and until recently I was doing pretty well, I was happy to wait for her but I let my impatience get the better of me. I acted like a fucking child and now... well now I don't have my best friend anymore let alone the love of my life.
I feel empty. Like an integral part of me as suddenly disappeared.
She has my heart, my whole heart. I don't know how I can live without her but I've acted like a right arsehole. Well worse... far worse than that.
If anyone has a bloody time machine hand it over. That's about the only way things can get better.
It's over, really over. Emma was always worried that I would look at her differently and yet she won't look at me the same ever again.
I finally know how it feels. That's what she feared, me looking at her differently. It's a fraction of what Em fears, I'm guessing, but I've caught a glimpse of it.
It's horrible, fucking horrible.
I never wanted to give her a reason to look at me like she did earlier at Liam's. But I did and furthermore I gave her a reason to push me away.
The heaviness on my shoulders is like nothing I have ever felt before. I want to die. Well not as much as I want to go back and not walk away from her the day nan died.
That was the moment I started to fuck up everything.
If I had just stayed with her that day. Keep her close, let her hold me and not get so bloody sensitive with her rejection. She was protecting me, protecting us by not letting me fuck her, and I stomped around like a petulant child and went to the completely wrong person.
I lift the bottle up to my lips but to my dismay it's empty. Swiftly I swing my legs over the side of my bed and knock over the other empty bottles I've gone through tonight and head to the kitchen.
There's no more beer in the fridge either. Fucking perfect.
I'll go out, it's not too late. It'll be fine.
Begrudgingly I grab my coat and keys and head out into the frigid cold and take the walk toward Fletcher's.
Just one more drink, one won't hurt.
I stumble into the pub, starting to feel the effects of all the beer I had in the last hour, and sit myself on an empty bar stool with a huff.
I decide to stick by the window choosing a seat in the corner and far enough away from everyone else. I'm here for the alcohol not the bleeding social scene.
Once I place my order I turn around and watch the odd bloke pass by the window, make eye contact with some. Poor sods, some look worse off than me, but none can't beat how shitty I feel. I'd put money on it.
I sit in silence, coddling my drink, listening to the bustle of people around me.
This is a new kind of low.
Rock bottom. This is what this is.
Yesterday I had a beautiful girlfriend who against all odds and her own negative feelings on love and now I'm a sad excuse of a man sitting alone in a bar, drinking my sorrows away.
I miss her. I miss her so much. Maybe she's still at Liam's. I could go back and apologize, grovel on my knees, promise her the world... No. She probably isn't even there anymore.
Before I know it I've drained my glass and order another as I continue my pathetic planning.
Emma's probably at home by now. I can go there, force her to listen to me. No, she won't let me inside. Well I can sit wait outside, sit in the hall and wait for her to come out. Pull some romantic comedy shit. The stuff she's never wanted but maybe it'll work.
Suddenly I feel a presence next to me but I don't look up. As long as I don't look I can imagine it's Emma. That by some wonderful twist of fate she's found me here and wants to work things out.
We don't even need to be in a romantic relationship at this point. That would be too big an ask.
I want my best friend back.
I'd be with her right now if this fight was with any other woman. I'd show up at her place, tell her what happened, rant about how unreasonable the other party was, and then we'd watch netflix until we fell asleep on her bed.
But I can't do that, we're not talking and she's not sitting next to me now.
I anxiously push my fingers through my hair and sigh. She's getting closer, I can feel the heat of her leg against mine although we're not touching.
Please don't. I don't want this.
"You look like you need another drink love." She says to me, turning her whole body so she's facing me.
"Already got one" I answer her lifting up my glass, not looking her way.
She releases a slight giggle before continuing. "Actually seems like you need another."
At first I don't understand what she's going on about but when I look down at my glass I see that it's empty once again.
I release a deep breath, ready to order another when I feel her hand on my arm.
"Here babe, have another." She says sliding over a glass and placing it before me. "You look like a whiskey man."
I nod and take a sip, letting the cool harsh liquid, reveling in the feel of it sliding down my throat before it releases it's magical elixir through my body, over taking over my senses.
This happens over and over again.
It's strange but there is a small part of me that is somewhat thankful that she's here tonight. For the past hour she has been able to comfort me in this incredibly dark time I find myself in.
"Are you feeling better babe?" She coos into my ear, her hand firmly stroking up and down my back.
Childishly I shake my head as I nurse my fifth cup.
I close my eyes and imagine it's Em's hands touching me but it still doesn't feel right. It's not Emma, never will be again I reckon.
The irony is not lost on me.
I'm acting very much like Emma at the moment but unlike over the holidays when she pulled this, I have nothing holding me back. Of course that didn't stop Em did it?
Harold stop. I scold myself. This isn't about you, you twat. Pack it in.
"She doesn't want me anymore" I mumble, downing the rest of the drink.
"Awww, I'm sorry baby" she says as her lips brush against my cheek. "I'm here for you though."
Slowly I turn to her and see a pair of eyes wanton and lustful I can barely keep myself from her in the middle of this crowded bar. "You mean that?"
Stop, this isn't you. Get out...
I don't listen.
She nods, biting her lip.
It's not how Em does it.
"All I wanted was for her to love me" I admit pathetically as I swallow down yet another drink. I don't even know how many I've had but it's too many. Far too many. Can barely keep myself on the damn stool, doubt I can stand.
"Is that so much to ask?"
"No Harry. It's not." She responds with only a little bit of sympathy. I know this isn't what she wants to hear but she's here and I can't help it. It's all coming out. "I hate that she did this to you," her fingers nimbly stroking my hair.
This feels nice, wrong but nice. The wrongness of it almost makes it so wrong that it's right.
Fuck that's ridiculous.
What Em said to me was wrong but she said them. Emma Parker doesn't want me so what other option do I have but to move on right?
Em probably has already knowing her. Fuck I'm drunk, shut the fuck up Styles. She was moving on before we were even officially split, spending her free time with Liam and continuously pushing me away from knowing her ever since Christmas.
Shut! UP! I yell at myself but my mind runs away from me.
How could I not have seen it? How could I not have realized that she thinks so little of me? It's sad really how little I actually noticed.
But then she didn't notice how unhappy I was at the same time so maybe this is the best outcome. Being apart, maybe that's what we need no matter how awful it feels.
No, it's not you idiot! The small bit of me that isn't drunk yells at me.
Well I quiet that little voice up real quick.
I take another long sip and relish in the relief that it brings. But I don't deserve relief.
Without thinking I motion for one more at the bartender. "Yeah, you're telling me" I scoff.
Her hand appears on mine as she threads our fingers together. I don't pull away, all I can do is watch the foreign feeling as it happens. "I can love you if you like Harry."
It's not right but my heart perks up at the thought. Emma isn't the one telling me but it feels good, like my heart is suddenly lighter, if only by a fraction... it's probably all the alcohol.
Why couldn't this be Emma? Why couldn't either of us get our shit together and grow enough to be what the other needed them to be? But is it a healthy relationship when we need the other to change?
No it's not.
But life is all about change. And it's not like we were asking the other to change the fundamentals of ourselves. We both wanted growth from the other, that's it.
We still couldn't even do that.
It was never enough, not even in the beginning. I always knew I wanted and loved Emma but want and love are two very different things and neither are enough to hold us together.
Em said so herself, right from the beginning.
I remember that night so vividly in my mind. I showed up at her door and forced her to talk to me. It was early in the morning and I had just had a taste of Emma back in my flat when she showed up. Kissing her, really kissing her like that for the first time, I had never felt so whole before. I knew we needed each other, that we were made to be together. I wanted her so bad but, even then we argued.
Right in the beginning, before it really started, it was a fight.
"Why are you so convinced we won't work?" I desperately asked her early that morning.
"Because I just know?" She said. Her voice was so quiet, so pained.
"No you don't" But she still wouldn't listen to me, I couldn't convince her even then. Still haven't been able to.
"Harry stop, you don't understand." Well now those words mean so much more.
I should have listened to her then. Walked away and settled with being friends with her.
But then I wouldn't have been with her and I'd never trade in my time with her. Not for anything in this whole world. I love her, along with every night together, every argument, every heated make out session, every lazy Sunday, every laugh, and every tear... I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Even if this is the end at the very least we had some time.
She loves me so why can't she just give in? Why can't knowing she does be enough for me?
But she's already given in hasn't she, just never said it.
It's all on me, this fucking situation I mean. And yet I'm stuck here piss drunk and letting this poor girl next to me think she has a chance. Well if I keep drinking at the rate I am, maybe she will get lucky?
"Really?" I peer back at her.
This isn't my girl. I should stop.
"Sure" her fingers tracing my jaw before she buries them in my hair. It's the most comforting feeling.
Paralyzed by the position I find myself in and the amount of alcohol I have consumed, I watch her lean forward, her gaze on my lips.
I didn't seek her out. I didn't leave Liam's in search for someone to find comfort in. If I had more beer at the flat I wouldn't even be here.
Sure I chose to come here but I'd never expect anyone to stick around after the way I've acted towards her, quiet and dismissive. I didn't ask for any of this and yet...
Pathetically I jump in my seat as I feel my phone go off in my coat pocket. The foreign feeling hitting my side and sending shivers up my spin.
I pull it out and answer it without looking to see who it is. Honestly I'm a little relieved at the distraction as I watch her pull back so I can answer.
Like a shock to the system, Liam's voice pounds into my head as I bring the phone up to my ear.
"Get your arse back home now" he demands making me wince.
"Why?" I argue as I feel her step down from her stool and press her chest against my back.
God she's warm, so welcoming.
"Because Emma's on her way and you need to be there when she shows up." He explains.
Emma?
I can't help but feel this ache for her, a calling to go out and find her but the yearning from my heart doesn't make it to my head as I continue to sit in the busy, musty bar... the last place I should be with a more than willing party making it quite clear where she wants us to end up tonight.
"I can't." I answer him, rubbing my palm over my eyes, trying to clear my head enough to really listen.
"Why not?" He counters, his voice laced with alarm. "This is what you wanted. Her... Emma! Now go get her" he suggests like it's the simplest thing in the world to achieve.
Little does he know...
Liam is trying to do the right thing, well trying to get me to do the right thing, but I just can't do it as spontaneous anger fills me up.
I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be taking it out on him but there is no other option.
"No. It's a lie, you heard her" I slur. "She doesn't love me so I found someone who does." I tell him, completely drunk off my arse, as I feel her arms wrap around my torso from behind. When her lips press against my skin at the base of my neck, I feel it all over.
This isn't right, it doesn't feel right... it's not Em.
Liam's tone is full of dread as the copious amounts of alcohol swirls up in my system, leaving me with not one coherent thought. "Harry what have you gone out and done?"
"Nothing Em's not doing herself." I snap back at him.
What gives him the right to badger me with this bullshit? Emma said her bit and I said mine. "It's over, nothing else to it. S'over!"
"Fuck are you drunk?" He asks me, but doesn't give me time to answer it...as if I needs me to confirm it for him. "Shit, you are." He huffs in disbelief.
"Get home now!"
"Harry come on, just turn it off." She whispers, her lips brushing the skin below my ear as she slides her hands up and down my thighs. If I wasn't this far gone I'd try and stop her but the touch, the contact, it feels too good...too comforting.
No, this has to stop.
"That better not be..." He must have heard her but he stops not wanting to continue or assume... "Harry get out of there now and fix this with Emma!"
"I'm too tired," I chuckle at him as she hands me another glass of strong liquor. "S'no use anyway" I blurt out, taking another long gulp and within seconds the glass is empty.
"Bloody hell Harry listen to me." Whoa he sounds angry now but I'm not fazed at all. Where I am now I have drinks continuously coming my way and a girl who is just about ready to jump my bones... what else could I want?
Emma, I want Emma.
I nearly double over at the mere thought of her. Why doesn't she care?
"Harry stop this, you're going to regret it."
"I'm done worrying Liam! I've spent too long fighting for something that she doesn't want so..."
"Fuck Harry" he snaps, almost begging me to stop. "Don't do this! Emma is on her way to you just listen–"
"S'too late."
"Harry. Emma's does lov–" but before he can get another word in I hang up the phone and turn to the beautiful and rather aggressive girl who is now sitting down next to me once again.
"Sorry about that" I mutter, neglecting to address her. I can't, the only names I can think of are ones I can't use. I'm unable to, all of them are Em's pet names. Just because she and I are through doesn't mean I don't love her. Shit, do I still love her, it hurts like hell but she doesn't love me. And even though I have every right to move on after what's happened between us I can't bring myself to use pet names that are hers. All of those names... babe, baby, gorgeous, love... they are all Em's, only hers, always hers.
I let the phone slip from my hands and clatter on the wooden table top. I can't keep going back to someone who so obviously doesn't want this. The constant arguments, the hurtful slurs and snide comments, I'm not going back for any more of it no matter deeply I'm in love with her...my beautiful girl.
Liam thinks he knows what going to happen. He thinks the two of us will come round and apologize but I know better.
When Em hurts she either secludes herself or lashes out... Both happened today.
It's easier, better if I stay here in this bar with a girl who actually feels than venture back out into the cold and fight for a girl who would rather hide herself from me and the world than let me truly see her.
For what seems like forever I sit without saying a word, staring hopelessly down at the phone that keeps lighting up with Liam's name as he continues to try and get through to me. I don't answer. I don't want to hear what he has to say. If I hear his pleas long enough I'll listen and I don't think my heart can handle anymore heartbreak from the girl he is vouching for.
I just cannot do it.
Thankfully, her manicured hands reach out and turn my cell off. I've never been more relieved.
Slowly I turn to her and find a beautiful lust filled expression gazing back at me. She wants me, all of me and it feels good. So good to be wanted like that.
"Were you telling the truth before?" I ask quietly, the pain in my chest paralyzing me moment by moment as I search for something to ease the tightness.
"Truth about what Harry?" She offers leaning in. Suddenly she's so indescribably close I can feel her breath on my lips. They look so inviting, so delicious.
I know this is wrong, so impossibly and unfixablely wrong but I can't bring myself to stop it as I inch closer in return.
Confidently I lean in and get my first taste of her rich and plump lips. They aren't what I need but they are just enough. I pull back so I can look into her eyes. "That you can love me."
After a moment I watch mesmerized as she nods her head, a new glint in her eyes as she looks back at me. I press my lips against hers once more but this time I wrap my arm, the one that's not desperately hold onto my drink, around her waist and pull her to stand between my legs.
My heart is pounding in my chest. It's so hard, I might just explode, the wrongness and the rightness of this moment crashing together in a blur of pain, intoxication, and despair.
I want it all to stop, the pain, the noise, the anguish. I want it all to just stop.
Her tongue pushes between my lips as she presses herself against me further.
Stop this, stop this now...
Feeling this girl... but she's not my girl.
Reluctantly I pull back, breathing heavily. I close my eyes suddenly feeling the full weight of the situation. I need to get out.
"Wow Harry, you really know how to toy with a girls emotions." She mutters breathlessly as I watch her chest heave up and down, trying to come down from our heated moment.
I can't find the strength to say anything to her in response.
What I'm doing to her, using her to hurt Emma and fix me, is all kinds of wrong I can't even count all the reasons but what more do I have.
There is no other option.
Kissing her I actually feel better, less alone. It's when I pull away that the wide abyss of my broken heart takes hold again and I can't bare it. Not to mention the liquor in my system makes this decision much easier.
I move to stand, but instantly feel uneasy. The room starts to spin. This can't just be the alcohol can it? I've never had this kind of reaction.
I try to move slower but I still nearly stumble over.
"Wooo Harry, careful babe." She comments, her hand on my chest as she looks up at me.
I've had too much to drink. That and a broken heart is a deadly combination.
The question is lost on me as the effects of the alcohol continue to take hold and the purely fuckable girl standing in front of me stares back at me.
"So baby" she smiles, giving me another kiss. "Your place or mine?"
When she asks I feel sick to my stomach, whether that's the alcohol or this situation, I don't know. I push all the voices that are screaming at me not to away and pin this nauseating feeling on the liquor.
With a deep breath and one last shot of liquid courage I move to pull my coat on, just about to grab her hand but I falter.
Harry stop, just stop.
And I do.
I look into her dark bright hazel eyes, down the bridge of her nose and along the dark skin on her collarbone and I know it's wrong. So wrong.
If I was in a better frame of mind I'd feel bad for leading this poor girl on. What poor fortune to be a stranger in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I hardly remember her name. Amber? Amy? Aliza? Who the hell knows.
She's not Em and that's all there is too it.
Gently I step away from her. "S–sorry. Can't..." in the smallest voice, I don't even know if she hears me but I walk away anyway.
I could have gone home with her. Drowned myself in the feeling she could give me but it wouldn't have been any use. I still wake up tomorrow with a hole in my chest and the dreaded memory of today.
Nothing can help this... absolutely fucking nothing.
Once I'm through the doors I stumble slowly down the road, barely able to handle the frigid cold that's taken the town over.
This is wrong, so wrong.
Stopping in the middle of the deserted street, I rub my eyes with the heel of my hand to try and clear my mind. Everything's too fuzzy, I can't...
Maybe I should go see her. Beg for forgiveness. No, she wouldn't even open the door.
Try, just go over there and try. Slowly I take a step in the direction of her house.
I feel horrible. I just want to do something for her to make this better. Well not better, nothing I can do will deliver that but... there has to be something. There has to be.
A noise down the road pulls my attention back to the outside world. A place that only I inhabited until a few moments ago.
As my vision clears I see a figure coming toward me. A man. A tall man wrapped tightly in his coat trying to shield himself from the cold. He's coming closer.
As his face becomes more defined and visible by the street lamp I recognize him immediately.
No I must be imagining things...It's the alcohol, must be...he can't be... not here...
Distracted I stumble over my own feet and nearly fall flat on my face.
I wish I did hit the pavement.
Instead, Marcus pulls me up, just catching my arm before I did a faceplant in the cement. He straightens me out and for the first time I get a good look at him. He's just as I remember. Aged, tired, grey...hasn't changed a wink since I first saw him in London.
Now it's worse. I know what he did.
I want to kill him.
He hurt her.
He marked her.
He made her terrified of love and commitment.
He's responsible.
Like I said, I want to kill him.
"You..." I say lowly and push him away. He looks shocked by my action but I don't even care. I hate him, deeply and uncontrollably.
I stare back at him and watch as he pieces two and two together. "Henry?" Genuinely unsure of my name but I know he recognizes me from the rink. Recognizes me as Em's lad.
"It's Harry you prick" and without warning I take a swing at him and miss miserably.
Fuck, why do I have to be drunk.
I've thought about this moment for a while. I'd curse him out and beat him to a pulp, make him hurt like he hurt Em. How on earth can I do this now in the state I'm in?
This is something I can do for Emma. Even if she never speaks to me again I can beat up this asshole for her.
"Harry, just settle for a moment. You've had too much to drink." He keeps me at arm's length but I push past him. "Let's talk."
"Oh you reckon?" I spit back before trying to hit him again and I make contact. Aggressively I take hold of collar and slam him into the wall.
"You hurt her!" I yell in his face, pressing him further.
Suddenly his fist connects with jaw and I stumble back. "Look. I know you're angry but..."
I don't let him continue as I try to hit him again but I don't connect. I stumble back and before I know it I feel two hands tightly grip my arm.
"Harry stop." I hear her voice and my heart sinks.
When I look down at her I watch as she gazes between me and him. It's as if she knows Marcus, fucking scum of the earth in my book.
Why on earth is she with him?
Never in my wildest dreams, and I mean wildest dreams, would I ever imagine these two together. Why is she... I thought she...
I try to get a handle on my thoughts but it's no bloody use. I'm hurt and confused and drunk... a fucking horrible combination.
"Just stay here a moment and then I'll take you home babe." Her voice is quiet and tender. It's instantly comforting.
She leaves me leaning against the wall as I watch her walk over to the bastard who hurt Emma. To my shock and confusion I watch them exchange a few words.
What the hell are they talking about? What the hell can they be talking about?
Just as I am about to push off and really let him have it, well try to let him have it, she strides on over and takes my arm. "Come on babe, let's get you home" and without another word she's pulling me down along the sidewalk leaving Marcus alone in the dark.
This is ridiculous.
I thought my life had turned to shit earlier today. Emma and I were screaming at each other and broke up. That was the worst, the absolute worst but here I am having just assaulted Marcus, which was bad enough, and now I'm being led down the road by bloody Jessica.
I was wrong, this is rock bottom.
Why the hell was she out in the middle of the night? And so conveniently close to Marcus.
She gets me back home sooner than I would like. I want to be alone. The last thing I need is Jessica hanging around.
Gently she pushes me back to lay on the bed. I try to get back on my feet but my head is still stinging from the jab Marcus planted on my jaw.
I'm sure it's going to bruise. That's going to be a nice conversation with Emma later... well she's not talking to me so I guess I don't need to worry about it.
That's just what I need. One second I'm having a screaming match and the next I'm having a fist fight with Em's dad. I'd do it again and again for her. He better stay away from Emma. I don't care of the state of our relationship, I won't let him hear her. Not again.
Suddenly I feel Jess' hand reach behind the back of my neck, leaning me forward to sit it. "Here take these... they'll help." I take the pills without question. "It will take a second for you to feel it but I'm sure you'll feel better in no time."
It's all a bloody blur.
The room starts to spin again. I take another sip of water but it doesn't help so I just flop back, pushing myself up so I'm actually laying in my pillows. For the first time all night I'm comfortable.
The peace and tranquility doesn't last long as I feel the bed shift and some soft fingers brushing the hair off my forehead. "Shove off Jessica, I'm not in the mood." I murmur, burying my head deeper into the pillow.
I wish she would just listen. It's horrible to say but there is nothing about Jess that I'm deeply attracted to. There never ways any of that, even when i first met her. She was a convenient mistake.
When we met I was frustrated with Emma and having drinks a Fletcher's. Jeez, that night and tonight are exactly the same.
To my dismay she completely ignores me. "Harry you can't sleep in your jeans."
"Can I... I can" I stutter out trying to turn away from her but I feel her pulling my shoes off.
"Come on babe, you can't be comfortable in these."
"Jessica, please just go" I beg her but when I open my eyes to look at her I suddenly feel impossibly lightheaded and I'm still laying down.
Well that shouldn't be happening.
"Jess?" I begin to ask but I suddenly feel her palm against my jean covered member and I'm instantly, shamefully, unwillingly aroused.
"Hmmmmm..." She presses down harder and I can't help but moan. "I know you want me Harry."
"Come on Jessica this isn't funny." I tell her but...
"Harry I know you like this" Slowly, she unbuttons my jeans and pulls down the zipper before removing them all together.
Fuck Em is going to kill me.
But I make one final attempt. "Fuck off Jessica, seriously."
Completely disregarding my attempts to get her the hell out, she hands me a glass of water. "Here drink some more water."
I take it but it feels fuzzy. It's like I'm not in my body anymore, like I'm watching this play out from the sidelines.
Despite the woozy side effects I slowly start to feel better. The ache in my jaw and the doubt in my heart slowly fading away and before I know it' Jessica is smiling down at me and I back up at her.
I feel completely vulnerable.
"You're starting to feel it aren't you baby." She whispers leaning down and planting a soft kiss on my lips.
Then it hits me.
"What did you do?" I try to sound cross with her but I don't know if it comes off that way. Well I know it doesn't come off the way I want because she's pulling off my shirt so I'm left in only my boxers.
As spontaneously as I lean in I just as quickly pull back. "I can't" I mumble.
My heart is clear but there is this other thing in my head and I can't place it or control it. The drug, whatever it may be, pumping through every nerve now.
"What did you give me?" I ask, watching a small smile cross her lips. Jessica leans down and kisses my cheek.
"Lets just say it wasn't an Advil, Harry."
Fuck.
"It feels good doesn't it?" Warmly I feel her hands land on my chest and start rubbing up and down my torso.
"Jess I can't do this."
My tone is weak and lacks the conviction I wish it had. The conviction I desperately want it to have.
"Why not? I'm here for you." She coos against my lips. I let her have her moment but I pull back again.
"Because I'm not ready to lose Emma for good." I can't help the emotion pass through my lips. Just saying her name causes a stir in my heart. I have the unsteady urge to cry but for some reason I don't.
"Well I am ready" she snaps, thoroughly pissed off with me. I knew she would be pissed at the mention of Emma's name but this is a bit much.
Jessica swings her leg over my waist, her dress bunching up at her hips and she leans down, pressing some of her weight into my chest. "Don't want anything happening to your sweet Em would we?"
What! She does know Marcus. FUCK!
I want to ask you what she means. I want to argue with her, rant and rave and protect my girl, the one person in the world who I want to protect more than anything, the girl who currently hates my guts.
But I don't. It's far too late for that.
There is no will left in me to pull back and protest no matter how loud and how hard my brain is screaming me to stop all this.
She leans down, one hand down my boxers and the other on my chest.
I don't want this, this isn't right... but to my horror there is a part of me that thinks it's feels good.
That's just a bodily reaction, I can't really be feeling this way. S'impossible.
But it's not me is it? If I hadn't of drank so bloody much I could reject whatever she's given me but the effects have taken hold and I can't help but close my eyes.
And then although I don't want them, although I'd do anything, pay any amount, for them not to be said, she utters those three words that are my ultimate sin, my inherent vice, my final downfall.
"I love you Harry, let me love you."
And I completely lose myself.
___
A/N: Sorry for the wait. I had a chapter but I hated how it turned out (oops). This one is way better.
Plus I have my mom is in town visiting so I've been out with her a bit.
Enjoy the gif and Harry's beautiful hair. Seriously that music video gets me every time.
Anyway hope you like the chapter. All questions will be answered, just have to wait a bit. LOL.
One more chapter left my loves.
As always VOTE + COMMENT and if you're so inclined head on over the the Fanfiction awards (https://www.wattpad.com/story/92621717-the-fanfiction-awards-2017) and give Intent (or any other story) a nomination. Just need to comment in the genre you're nominating it for with my user name and the title of the book. (Ex: @ccalianese, Intent.)
Have a wonderful week.
All the love, C.