Emma
Everything is still, completely still.
I think I'm paralyzed by shock. Totally and completely numb...
Is it possible for someone to go into instant shock like this? To feel as if every nerve has just died, ceasing to exist.
That's how I feel, my eyes permanently glued to the back of Harry's head. Harry's perfect head of short, chestnut curls.
No, no, no.
"Harry wait." I rush to him, not allowing this to be the end.
"What?" He snaps at me.
When I catch up to him I can't find the words so I shake my head at him. "I... um..."
"Yes Emma?" My full name spiking from his lips like taggers to my heart.
It's Em, you call me Em. I think to myself as our relationship continues to disintegrate before me.
"Harry" I whisper, biting my lip and looking down at my fingers as they twist together.
Why can't I think of anything to say? Just tell him damn it!
"In what way could you possibly make this better?" He says, his voice just as desperate as I feel "Because in my mind there is only one thing."
I take a deep breath, grab his hand, and with a sudden surge of confidence and pull him toward me and toward Liam's apartment. "Harry stop being an arse and just come with me." The fact that we are so close completely lost on him.
"I promise we'll be okay" I continue to explain. "Give me an hour and everything will be alright."
There is clear hurt laced on every inch of his perfectly formed face. The green in his eyes that's normally so bright and full of hope growing impossibly dull as we stare at each other. "Please, just a little more time."
He closes his eyes, bowing his head in ultimate defeat.
No this can't be it.
"Harry?" I question, terrified of what he's about to say.
"I love you so much" Harry starts, his voice impossibly low and smoldering. Hope raises up through my entire body as I hold his hand and feel my heart stop in my chest waiting for him to continue.
"I..." I doesn't dare to look up at me as he stares down at our hands but don't take my eyes off him. My heart falls as I feel his hand slip from my grip. "I don't have anymore time to give you."
No... no, no.
"No... no, no. Pl–please Harry don't leav..." I stutter but he doesn't let me finish.
"Emma please just stop" his voice suddenly filled with anger and disdain for my very presence, his eyes blazing at mine.
"I don't know why I expected you to say anything. That makes me the fucking fool doesn't it? The fucking lovesick fool hopelessly in love with a girl who could never just let go and be with him." He spits at me. "It's my fault if you think about it" pushing his fingers through his hair and a hopeless smile expanding on his lips. "You warned me, remember? You said this would never work, I was the idiot who didn't believe you." Harry's words fall from his lips so easily, full of remorse and defeat.
Each one of his words rip through me like a knife but they only hurt because he's right, 100% right.
I try, try to say the words but they don't come. "I know I'm difficult and emotionally stunted and you deserve so much better but I don't feel that way anymore." I begin to beg him, clutching into his jacket as he begins to pull away. "I want you, plea–"
I can barely see him through the tears that have yet to fall as I look up at him.
"You broke my heart Emma" he admits to me. "I asked for one thing, one fucking thing" he says through gritted teeth staring down at me, each word paralyzing me even more.
"Do me a favor and don't make this any harder than you already have." Harry stares at me and I stare back at him. Each word is dripping with such disappointment and hate. Whether it's for me or the situation we've found ourselves in, I have no idea.
Yesterday I was so happy. I was filled with excitement and anticipation for what this day would be but now...
We are on totally different playing fields. I was completely wrong. How could I have been so wrong? When I was planning out this whole thing I was completely blind to how miserable he was with our relationship.
What kind of girlfriend does that make me?
A fucking terrible ones that's what.
Maybe I was right before and I should just let him go. He deserves someone who pays attention to him. Notices every little defining detail of his character. The way he stares at the TV or holds his fork, the way his brows crease when he's angry or how his dimples pop out when he's indescribably happy. I thought I saw all that, I thought I knew him but how could I if this is what happened?
I swear if I thought he wasn't happy at any point during the past few weeks I would have done something. I can do something now, I know I can but there are no words once again.
"You never disappoint babe" he says, his final blow. "Always the same."
And for the second time in about five minutes I watch him walk away.
So is this it. Harry's reached the end of his rope and we are broken up.
That's it, the end of Em and Harry.
Defeated, I turn around and walk to Liam's.
Can I even go to Liam's? He was Harry's friend first. If this is really a breakup and we divide our friends and Liam would surely go to Harry right?
Am I buckling to reality too quickly?
No, he doesn't want me any longer.
I burst through Liam's front door and find Liam sitting at his desk, peaceful as can be, completely unaware of the shit storm I'm bringing into his life. Before I even address him I slam his door shut and start pacing around the room in front of him completely beside myself.
"Emma? What's going on?"
Without any regard to his question I mentally, emotionally, and physically burst at every seam.
"Am I really that blind?" I ask as I move about the room. "Did I really not see how I was hurting him all this time? Liam you know him, was it obvious?" I let the question hang in the air between us waiting for his answer but the look on his face tells me everything I desire to know. "I really am that selfish girl aren't I?"
Gradually I let the realization sink in.
I'm no good for him. Harry deserves so, and I mean sooooo much better. Sure neither of us is perfect but I could have prevented this hurt and I didn't. I couldn't find the strength.
"Earth to Emma" I finally hear Liam say. He's made his way across the room. "What's happened? Where's Harry?"
My eyes dart around the room as if looking for the answer, as if I'll open my eyes at any moment and it will be Christmas morning all over again, when things were good between us.
"He's not here." I say but it comes out as breath. "We um..." the air barely leaving my lips as if I don't say the words they won't be real. "We had a fight and he said I had no more time and..."
"And what?" He presses as he rests his hands on my shoulders keeping my frame at arms length, trying to catch my attention.
"I couldn't say it." The gravity of my cowardice terrifying me. How self sabotaging can I be?
"Harry wanted me to tell him and I couldn't say anything..." My jaw goes slack as I look up at him in disbelief of my own actions but that's all I can muster up the strength to do.
"Why didn't you just tell him?" He's shocked but it angers me. Liam doesn't know! If it was easy I would have.
"Because that wasn't how it was supposed to go." I yell at him, my outburst completely misguided as I step back and start pacing around again, my fingers tangling in my hair.
"I had a plan. I had it all planned out. We'd come here. I'd get the tattoo, you know kind of like a primer to the whole 'I love you' thing and then we'd eat and go back home and I'd give him the journal and once everything was laid out I was going to tell him." I let out everything in one breath. As I keep moving I feel my heart thump against my chest so hard I feel weak and breathless. "It was supposed go right. I had time, I had everything planned. It wasn't supposed to be like this!"
"Well you know what they say about making plans." Liam mutters.
"Will you just shut up Liam" I scream, my emotions getting the better of me.
Slowly I feel every nerve fumble and I loose control unable to keep the tears at bay. "I had a plan." I sputter at him as Liam comes closer. "I had a plan to make him happy but..." I don't continue as Liam pulls me in for a hug.
He's warm and comforting but his hold is foreign. His are not the strong arms I want but those have walked away for the last time, I fear.
This is entirely my fault. If I had just said it maybe...
"It's going to be okay Emma." He tries to calm me as he strokes the back of my head. "Harry will come round."
But he doesn't know, he didn't see Harry's eyes mere minutes ago.
Harry is done.
"You didn't see him Liam" I whimper into his chest. "He's given up. I'm sure of it. And I don't even blame him." I pull back but still unable to look up at him for fear that I'll disappoint yet another person.
"Hey stop this." He says, his thumb quickly wiping away a tear before leaving my face completely. "This isn't you alright, so calm down and take a deep breath."
I do. Liam's instructions no where near as comforting as Harry's were a few weeks ago in Ireland.
Oh god I'd give anything to go through that ordeal again if it would stop this.
"Seriously Emma. You two are meant for each other. This is just another bump in the road, nothing new for you guys." His tone tells me he's trying to make light out of this situation, trying to find some silver lining in the black cloud that is my one and only and now failed relationship but there isn't one.
"But Liam..." I try to protest but before I know it Liam's at it again.
"No Emma. I know you've fucked up here but when in this relationship have either of you not fucked up when it really mattered?"
I don't answer already knowing he does.
"Exactly. One of you always does something." Liam states. "You're both as bad as each other. Harry's just being a twat and if he's too stupid to see how much you love him even without you saying it then it's on him."
The lump in my throat doubles in size as I try to swallow. I stare up at his eyes, more beautiful than I've ever noticed. Not surprising, I've never taken the time to notice.
It's weird but he's comforting. Sure he's a friend but I'm rarely comfortable around anyone and here I have this sweet caring guy holding me after I've hurt his friend and the love of my life yet again.
And with a surge of grief and drowned out passion...before my heart can stop me, my lips are pressing against his.
___
A/N: Oh god this was painful. Again please don't hate me.
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*loved all the comments on the last chapter. Only a few more to go and then then Intent 2 (Sequel).
All the love, C.