Green light blasts all around me and I hear an unnerving scream, so loudly that it's almost as if that's the only sound in the world. At the same time there's deafening silence. The silence that you could drown in because all you've got is the sound of your own heart pumping away as if it's reminding you that you're still alive, as if you're so helpless you actually need reminding of that fact.
Gasping, I struggle to reach for my wand. I can fix this. I can undo all the evil. I can be better. I should have known I couldn't trust him. I should have known that this would only end one way. My fingers stretch out, tracing the hard pavement as they try to reach my wand.
My finger slides over the cool oak and for a second I feel a sense of calming relief. But before my hand can get a firm grip of the wand, a foot steps on it preventing me from trying to help, trying to salvage the mission I came here to do, trying to.... escape.
I glance up and catch a glimpse of silvery hair. My heart drops. The look in his eyes doesn't suggest that he would hurt me right? Or kill me? I feel the balls of sweat form on my forehead as I grunt struggling to get up. The blast has taken all the energy out of me. It's like my sense are all disorientated and I don't know which way is up or down. I know my feet won't be able to hold me steady and my legs definitely won't be able to hold me up, but I still try, keeping a firm grip on my wand.
The boy chuckles sadly. "There's no use trying to fight, it's over."
I shake my head. No, no it can't be over. I'm not finished. I can fight. I can fix this.
"I told you, you're not going to like what I had planned," the boy says softly, his eyes betraying all his emotions. Sadness, grief, horror and fear. Fear stands out to me. How can he be scared when he is the one who caused all this pain? I stare at the ground with the heaps of bodies lying around. This boy came from a dark family, just like I, but we're on such different paths. I'm fighting to preserve hope and a better free future for everyone whereas he singlehandedly destroyed everything I fought for.
"Tell me Lily, do you think the Dark Lord will be willing to forgive me if I told him your secret?" he says in a twisted voice. My heart starts pumping faster. I can feel the blood pumping to my ears and I glare up at him.
"Will he be merciful when he realises I wasn't the real coward. It was you. You who hid in the shadows and refused to show your true intentions. You who pretended to continue your family legacy. You who turned out to be just like your father... A pathetic fool wh-"
But he's unable to finish as my hand leaves the wands and grabs his leg instead sending as much energy as I can muster. It's surprisingly easy. Nobody disrespects my father.
"Lily?"
The smell of burning doesn't even irritate me anymore. He deserved that. He has caused so much darkness so much pain.
"Lily!"
I refuse to feel guilty for his death. He was going to compromise my mission just like I had intended to compromise his. Neither of us managed it. The only difference is that I get to live another day to fight. I get to right my wrongs.
"LILY!!"
My eyes fly open. Where am I? What's going on? I feel like I've just been in a shower or something. My hands frantically go to my face and I try to stop the world from shaking.
"Lily, Lily calm down! Deep breaths okay? Just take deep breaths."
One. Two. Three. The mark on my arm stings badly as if it's calling me. As if I'm being summoned. No. I can't be summoned now. I don't want to see the Dark Lord. I don't want to do anything right now. I just want the world to stop spinning and make sense of everything.
"Lily, breathe please!" Ginny says in an urgent voice and I realise I've been holding my breath. Slowly I exhale and focus on just keeping my breath steady. What number was I even on?
One, two, three, four, five.
It's just a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. I'm okay, everything is okay. Nobody died. Everything is okay.
Five. No I already said that. Six. Seven. Eight.
Deep breaths Lily. Deep breaths. I can do this. I'm stronger than this. I'm a fighter.
Nine.
"That's right Lily. Just keep focusing on your breath," Ginny's voice seems less alarmed now as she helps me sit up. My hand shakes uncontrollably as I lean back on the headboard.
Ten.
"What happened?" I whisper, my voice hoarse. Ginny just gives me a look and scrunches her nose as if she's trying to figure out a way to tell me bad news.
"Ginny?" I ask again, my eyes wide.
"You were screaming and twitching a lot. It was... scary," she says in a low voice. I stare at the wall, my mind racing. Screaming? I never scream during my nightmares. Yes sometimes I can't control my movements during them and I take a potion to control the severity of them, but I don't think I've ever screamed.
"I.. I didn't realise," I mumble as I push my sweat-drenched hair out of my face. I feel so... lost. So scared. Even now, my heart is beating at a rate I'm sure is not healthy. It's as if my body still thinks I'm going to need to defend myself from an attack or something.
Ginny glances at the door for a brief second and I know the thought going through her head. Almost instinctively I shake my head. I can't have George see me like this. I don't know what I would be able to tell him. He would want me to talk about my dream... nightmare and I don't think I could tell anyone about that.
It was unlike any I've had before. I just remember pain. Immeasurable pain. Not from damage or injuries but from loss. I stare at the wall, tears springing in my eyes uncontrollably.
"Lily?" Ginny whispers putting an arm on my shoulder. I shrug her off and blink away the tears. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know why I feel so on edge. Like my life is about to end or something. I bury my head in my hands and just screw my eyes shut. What is happening to me?
"Ginny please," I start as she goes to move away. "Please don't tell anyone. I can't- I don't, I jus" I say not able to finish my sentence without my voice cracking. Ginny stares at me wide eyed. I don't blame her for not knowing how to react to all this. I don't know how to react. I'm crying at a bloody nightmare for Merlin's sake!
"Okay," she promises after a short pause. Her eyes flicker to mine and I just see worry in them. I know she's dying to go upstairs and tell George but I don't know how to deal with that. I can barely process the fact that I had a stupid nightmare, he's not going to make the situation better.
"Are you okay Lily?" Ginny asks softly and I feel the tears spring to my eyes immediately. Why do my emotions have to betray me like this?
Not trusting my voice, I just nod at her. She pauses for a second as if she's considering something but then she comes up to me and slides into the bed next to me. I stare at her dumbfounded, but she just smiles and then rolls her eyes at me.
"Are you going to move up or what?" She says and I realise she's practically falling off the bed. I shuffle towards the other end to give her more room and she settles down to go back to sleep. Why is she doing this? It does provide some weird sense of comfort like there's someone here for me, but at the same time I've never been given this level of care and it kind of freaks me out.
My arm stings, but I just pull my sleeve down as I turn to face the other way. Ginny falls asleep almost instantly, leaving me in the darkness with my thoughts. Except I'm not alone. I have someone next to me. I have people in this house who care about me. My forearm can burn all it likes, I don't plan on going anywhere tonight or any time soon.
The next day, Ginny acts normal as if nothing happened and I can't be more grateful to her for it. I really don't want a nosy George wondering what it is that keeps the fearless Fowler awake at night.
I searched all morning for any remnants of the potion Snape gave me but I couldn't find anything. Typical really. He knew that I would eventually have to come back to him and ask for more so he must have just reduced the dose a little or something to force me to go crawling back to him earlier.
Sighing I shake my head. I can't do that to Snape. He's not malicious or unkind or cruel. He's all I've got left in this world, the only person who makes me feel grounded and secure. Of course he didn't do this on purpose, he wants the best for me, he wants me to be happy regardless of the cost. He loves me. I don't have enough of that in my life right now and I should just be grateful and hold onto the little love I do have.
Lost in my thoughts, I find myself back in the attic room I first woke up in. I feel like I keep going round and round in circles. One second I'm focused about the mission and the next something happens, either a nightmare or an unexpected conversation or whatever it is, something happens and it makes me lose balance. How long can I keep going on like this? How long does Dumbledore expect me to just sacrifice everything and complete this mission? How long do I expect myself to do the same?
This is not fair. Yes I wanted to complete my father's mission but did I really have to become a Death Eater in the process? Did I have to wipe my memory? Did I have to lose everyone and everything I held dear to me? Is this the only way I can complete the mission, because if so, it just really sucks.
I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be someone who can handle all this, that's why I was chosen. Then why is it my nightmares show that I'm anything but brave? Shutting my eyes tight, I take a couple of deep breaths.
Enough moping Lily! You are stronger than this.
Yes I have to believe that to be true. I have to trust that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. I need to, for my sake and everyone else's. I thought I managed to convince myself that I'm a ruthless powerful young lady who is able to get through anything. I thought I believed myself when I told myself that dreams are just that- dreams. They mean nothing, they aren't a sign or anything.
So when George glances up at me surprised as I hand him a broom, I don't have an explanation for my actions either. I can't explain it and neither can George when we approach an unimpressed Fred.
"So let me get this right," Fred says raising his eyebrows at us both. "You want to learn how to fly a broom properly and you seem to think that I would be willing to help you do so," he points at me first then George as I scowl at him.
"Look-" George starts but Fred gives him a look that just makes him stop in his tracks. This was a bad idea. I mean learning to fly with the Weasleys? What was I even thinking? Fred hates me, George thinks I'm crazy and I'm pretty sure I'm having some sort of mental breakdown. Either that or I've somehow taken a potion that makes people do stupid things.
"You don't have to help me," I mutter stonily with a gaze that Fred coolly mirrors. He hates me. He has every right to, I destroyed his brother's life, so what do I expect aside from his hostility? My eyes narrow at the look of disgust that Fred gives me. I don't expect this, that's for sure.
"But," I say folding my arms. "I expected more from you Fred," My voice rings clear as Fred just gives me a look to suggest I've grown a third head or something. "You can be angry at me all you like, you can hate me, you can think the worst of me - quite frankly I don't care." I start, my voice getting stronger with each word.
"What I do care about is the fact that you've been treating me as if I'm some sort of monster. As if you can't even be in the same room as me or you'll get infected or something. As if I am not the same person you once had the decency to give another chance to and be friends with. Yes I've changed but that happens when you go through difficult things in life. So you can be angry all you like, but I sure as hell expect you to treat me like a human being and see that I'm actually trying to make amends here," I rant, surprising myself with some of the stuff. It's like my mouth has a mind of it's own or something. All I know is that, Fred's behaviour has been bugging me a lot this holidays. Even Mrs. Weasley has been better accommodating to me than Fred and that's saying something!
"You aren't some saint or something. It's not like you can just snap your fingers and then everything will go back to the way it was-" Fred starts but I just shake my head at him. Who said I wanted to go back to the way things were?
"I broke your brother's heart," I say in a loud voice. George shifts uncomfortably next to me. "He broke mine too," I say in a hushed voice causing George's face to fall. I may not have the memories of my past with George but I do have feelings about it all now.
I feel betrayed.
I feel hurt.
I feel disappointed.
If people are so adamant that what George and I had was so real and perfect, then why the hell am I in this position in the first place. When did I feel like I couldn't talk to George anymore about my problems? Why did I feel like I couldn't trust him and whatever it was that we had enough to tell him what was going on in my head?
"Lily-" George starts, emotion clear in his voice but I raise a hand at him.
"Shut up, this is between me and Fred," I growl, regaining control over my voice. "We're getting over it. I mean we're getting past it. Why can't you?" Narrowing my eyes at Fred, he just gives me a tired look.
"It's easy for you to say all that, you just left," Fred says after a pause.
"I left. I took the easy way out and here I am, for better or worse, I left," I say causing Fred to sigh and shake his head.
"You don't get it. You weren't there. You just left," Fred says and my eyes widen as I realise what he's trying to tell me. As if I don't know the amount of pain George apparently went through. He reminds me of it pretty much every conversation we have!
"For that I c-" I start but George steps in between us.
"Look guys, let's just drop this a-"
Fred pushes his brother to the side giving him a stern look. "Like she said, shut up. This is between me and her."
George looks between Fred and I repeatedly and then runs his hands through his hair in despair. "It's my worst nightmare. It's my actual worst nightmare," he says dramatically, causing me to roll my eyes at him. It would be quite amusing if the situation was not as serious as it is.
"I'm sorry Fred. Really truly I am sorry for any pain that I caused," I say in a sincere voice and I mean it. I'm mature enough to accept the fact that there are people in my life that I hurt with my choice. Ginny is okay with everything and all so I didn't have to have any uncomfortable conversations with her. My actions had consequences and here we are. I put his brother through hell, but it must have been even harder for him to watch it all.
"Can we move past it or at least try?" I ask offering my hand to him. Fred pauses for a second but then takes my hand and shakes it.
"Wait what? Seriously?" George says staring at our hands as if we're holding some sort of forbidden treasure or something.
"I've been asking for ages for you to go talk to her and suddenly she comes and says sorry and you're okay?" George turns on his brother who just shrugs coolly.
"Brother, I told you. It's between me and her. You wouldn't understand." Fred says with a serious face. "Now don't get jealous okay?" He adds with a small smirk causing George to scowl. Fred glances at me for a second and I catch the hesitation in his eyes. I don't blame him for not being as open as his other siblings but at the same time, he's the closest person to George. That means something to me. I mean, in terms of maximising the alliance and all. I can't have George's brother/best friend disapprove it.
I purse my lips together as I wonder how many times I'll have to repeat that excuse to myself before I believe it.
"Jealous, me?" George says in a high pitched voice snapping me out of my thoughts. "I don't get jealous," he continues in the same voice causing me to smile despite it all.
"Yeah right and that time Ron found Flobberworms in his trunk was a harmless prank," Fred says casually. I raise my eyebrows at them both.
"Flobberworms?" I repeat and Fred gives me a wicked smile, whilst George flashes him a warning look.
"Yes and it happened to be on the night that you and Ron had that assignment. Let me see what was it again? Potions? No... No it had to be something far more romantic. Oh yes Divi-" but before Fred can finish, George practically tackles him to the ground and covers his mouth with his hands. Ron and I did assignments together? Is there any member of the Weasley family that I'm not friends with? Before you know it, I'm going to find out that the house ghoul and I have daily chit-chat sessions about life.
"So Lily? Flying yes?" George says as he struggles to keep Fred in an armlock.
"Erm yes, I don't want to be scared of flying anymore," I say in a small voice. I'm not ashamed that I'm scared of flying but it's just not a fact that I like to broadcast to people.
"Lily? The Lily? Coming to us for help - who would have guessed this day would come?" George says airily, but the smile he gives me afterwards just warms me from head to toe. My nightmare may have scared me, but it may have been the push I need to take back my life. It's a slow process, but the best way for me to be successful is by regaining control so that I don't feel so helpless anymore. I am Lily Fowler. Daughter of Ben Fowler. Destined to be a significant person in history for bringing down the Dark Lord.
I smile at the thought and it grows when I see Fred attempt to tackle his brother to the ground. Fred and George Weasley- mainly George really. The people I decided to turn to on a bad day. If only they knew the stakes, if only they knew the risks, if only they knew the secrets. If only- No. I can't control any of that. I need to stop focusing on the past and the what if's. Because I may have made some mistakes, I most certainly have been pushed into a path I'm not too sure was the best option, but despite it all I still have one thing going for me: I can control the future.
And I'm going to make sure I never think the words 'if only' ever again.