I wake up from the light coming through my window. It's snowing outside and I happen to be in a really great mood. But then again, I've been in a great mood for the past few weeks now, which is awesome. But I'm really excited because today is Christmas. And Christmas means presents!
I know you're probably thinking I'm too old to be excited for Christmas, but I can be young at heart sometimes. Plus, I was getting presents and giving presents as well. I just think the holidays are a good time. I climb out of bed and when I exit my room, Kyle is leaving his at the same time. He is tiredly wiping his eyes and looks up at me when he notices my presence.
"Hey." He says in a sleepy voice.
"Merry Christmas!" I smile.
"Same to you." His voice is neutral and I know that he is still tired so I won't be getting much out of him for the next few minutes. He heads into the bathroom and since he beat me to it, I head back to my room. I decide to gather the gifts I got for everyone.
For my mother, I got her some clothes and a pair of boots that she said she loved one day we were at the mall. For my father, I got him a nice sweater, socks, and cologne. And for Kyle, I got him a video game I know he likes and some socks because who doesn't love socks?
I also decided to get Hunter a present. But if I'm being completely honest, I had ordered it back during Thanksgiving because it was on sale. I had gotten him two concert tickets to see Travis Scott, and I had bought a nice hat, scarf, and glove set. Even though we weren't together I was still going to give him his gifts. I spent a nice amount of money on those Travis Scott tickets and I wasn't about to let them go to waste. Of course I could give them to Kyle, but it just wouldn't feel right.
I wanted Hunter to have the things I bought because they were for him. I suppose I would drop it off to him later today or another day. Plus, after the nice thing he did for me on my birthday, he deserved his presents. It wasn't like Hunter ever did anything wrong to me. It was always I, who ruined things.
I head downstairs with all of my gifts and set them under the tree with the rest of the presents. I hear commotion coming from upstairs and I figure that my parents were now awake. I reply to a few Merry Christmas texts that I had received and send out ones of my own before heading to the bathroom. Once I am finished, I head back to the living room where all of my family was.
"Merry Christmas!" I say in a cheerful voice to them all.
"Merry Christmas." They all reply with smiles.
"You seem to be in a good mood." My father says with a smile.
"She's been in a great mood these past two weeks, actually." My mother notes.
"Are you guys saying that in a good or bad way?" I eye them suspiciously.
"In a good way, of course," My mother nods. "I like this Asia. I really hope it continues."
"It will," I assure them. "I've been working on myself and I know I have long a way to go, but I feel like I'm improving."
"Well that's what we like to hear. And considering you and your brother both did well this semester...let's open some presents!" My mom smiles and clasps her hands together loudly.
I told you opening presents always makes people happy.
<>.<>.<>
"Oh! Asia, I forgot I had a gift for you in my room." Kyle says as he pauses his game and stands up abruptly.
We were officially done opening up our presents and my mother was making breakfast. I had gotten more than anticipated, which I was grateful for. Everyone loved their gifts I got for them and my Dad insisted that he was going to wear the sweater I got for him today.
"What gift? You got me things already." I look at him confusedly, as I lean away from my Dad. I had gotten a Microsoft Surface Pro and I was super excited. It was the first thing I opened and so my father and I were trying to set things up and figure out how to use the device.
"It's not from me." He says as he heads for the stairs.
"So who's it from? Did grandma give it to you while she was here?" I question him.
"You'll see." He mumbles before heading upstairs.
I look over at my Dad. "Do you know what he's talking about?"
"No." He shakes his head.
Hmm...
My father and I wait as we listen to the commotion coming from Kyle's room and wait for him to come back down. When he enters the living room, I see Kyle holding a large candy bouquet and a small gift bag. My mouth parts in shock and I lean up.
"Whoa! Is that mine?" I can't help but gape at him.
"Yep." He nods and drops it on my lap along with the small gift bag. I gaze at the candy and it just looks great.
"Who is this from?" I look up at my brother with wide eyes.
"Hunter." He says before going to play his game again.
Hunter?
"What's that about?" My Dad questions me.
I shrug. "Just a Christmas gift, I guess?"
I reach into the gift bag past the tissue paper to see what was inside. My jaw drops at the sight. No way! I quickly take out the box and I gasp loudly. Hunter bought me a pink Fujifilm Polaroid camera. This was the same camera that I thought was really cool one day while we were at the mall. I didn't think he remembered that because it was almost two months ago at the mall back in Indiana.
There were also two rolls of extra film in the bag along with some other little things. I couldn't stop gaping at the things before me. Hunter bought all this stuff for me, especially when this stuff was not cheap? And...I'm not even his girlfriend! Surely you wouldn't spend a lot of money on someone who was just a friend or an ex, would you?
I know my presents were expensive as well...but I bought the tickets while we were still together. But this...did he buy this before we were together? I get the feeling that he didn't. I see a small card and I open it.
Asia,
I hope you like your gifts. It's a cross between a birthday gift and Christmas gift. 😉
Merry Christmas,
Hunter ❤️
Wow, another reason for me to fall even harder for him, as if I hadn't already fallen hard enough. Being just friends with him was getting harder and harder for me...
"When did he give you this?" I ask Kyle.
"Some day during the week while you were with your friends, I don't remember the exact day." He says without looking away from his game. "I was tempted to eat your candy."
"You can definitely have some. There's more than enough." I say before grabbing a Kit Kat bar from the bouquet. My favorite.
"Are you two back together? You seemed to be enjoying his company last weekend at the party." My Dad asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. He can't hide his smirk no matter how hard he tries. Believe it or not, I feel that sometimes my father gets a kick out of my dramatic life. He tries to pretend not to be, but he enjoys hearing the latest scoop just like anyone else.
"No, we're not back together, we're friends. Friends buy each other gifts."
"If you say so..." He mumbles.
"Let's finish setting this tablet up, yeah?" I ask my Dad to help take the attention off my gift.
"Sure." He says with a small chuckle.
I couldn't wait to use my new camera...
As time goes on, I spend most of my day on my new tablet. It's a calm day and I even sneak in an extra nap but now I was getting dressed for the day. I called Hunter later in the morning, thanking him for buying me such a thoughtful and well appreciated gift. I told him I had a gift for him as well and asked when he was free so that I could drop it off. He insisted that I come today, even when I seemed a bit hesitant for intruding on his family today.
So I was getting ready to go to his house. I was super nervous and I didn't even know why. I was nervous to the point where I felt the need to take some of my anxiety medication, and I honestly haven't taken it since I came home. But the thought of going to Hunter's place put me on edge—a lot.
It wasn't the thought of seeing him that was making me anxious; it was the thought of seeing his parents. I was sure by now Hunter told his parents that we weren't together, and I had a feeling Mark would be happy about that. Even though he accepted our relationship and is polite to me, I still know that deep down he is skeptical of me.
I still remember back in Indiana and both of our families went to lunch together. I remember how I wanted to prove to Mark that Hunter and I could make it, that this wasn't just a phase for us. But how could I prove that given where we are today? I know I shouldn't care what others think, but he's Hunter's father. He's always going to be in my life if Hunter decides to keep me in his, and I really don't want a repeat of the past.
Kyle is letting me use his car and so I grabbed my gift bag and headed out. I get to Hunter's house within 15 minutes and hesitate before getting out of the car. I head towards the house and ring the doorbell. I patiently wait and when the door opens, Hunter is there. He is dressed nicely and his hair styled neatly. He has a friendly smile on his face and looks fairly happy to see me.
"Hey," He smiles. "Come in." He opens the door wider for me to come inside and closes it behind me.
"Merry Christmas!" I smile and hold the bag up for him.
"Thank you!" His eyes brighten at the sight of his gift.
"You're welcome."
"Hi, Asia!" I recognize Patricia's voice. I peak over Hunter's shoulder to see her rushing towards us. She reaches her arms out for me and hugs me tight and rocks us back and forth. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas." I say back.
"You look beautiful, as always."
"Thank you." I smile sweetly.
"Is your family doing anything special today?"
"We're having dinner later. I just wanted to stop by for a little while to give Hunter his gift." I explain to her.
"Did you like the gifts he got you? I helped him with the bouquet." Patricia is smiling so hugely at me; it almost looks like it hurts. Well at least I know she doesn't dislike me, though I don't think she ever really did.
"I loved them. I was so surprised to see it!" I tell her earnestly. It was truly a great gift.
"I knew you would love it. Good thing Hunter knew your favorite candies." She laughs lightly.
"Well Asia does love food..." Hunter's voice trails off and it makes us all chuckle.
"Speaking of food, Asia you have to try this cake I made!" Patricia exclaims, her loud voice startling me. "It was my first time making an angel food cake and I want an honest opinion."
"Mom, I gave you an honest opinion already," Hunter rolls his eyes. "We all did."
"Well Asia didn't so I want her opinion."
"That's fine with me. I love cake." I smile.
"Great! Come with me." She turns towards the direction of the kitchen and begins walking. I look over at Hunter.
"Did you want to open your gift first?" I ask him in a low voice.
"I'll do it when she's not around. She's acting very giddy right now." He rolls his eyes.
"I think she's just excited."
"She's always like this on Christmas so I don't even know how I'm not used to it by now."
I laugh. "Don't ruin her happiness."
"I'll try not to." He smirks, causing me to smile back. We continue to follow her into the kitchen.
"Where's the rest of your family?"
"Oh, they're somewhere around here," Hunter shrugs. "I think Troy is playing his new video game and my father is probably asleep."
"Oh, okay." I nod.
I watch as Patricia cuts a slice of cake and carefully places it on a plate for me. She asks if I want whipped cream which I happily agree to and watch as she adds a lot. She hands me the plate and a fork and watches me as I dig in. The cake is really light and fluffy and taste delicious. My eyes widen in satisfaction.
"This is great!" I exclaim after swallowing the cake.
"Really? Do you think so?" She looks at me anxiously.
"Yeah! I love it." I nod and take another bite.
"Well you are more than welcome to take some home with you."
"Thank you!"
"We're gonna head up to my room so I can open her gift now." Hunter says.
"Okay. Asia, I'll have the cake ready for you by the time you're ready to leave."
"Okay, thank you so much."
"No problem." She winks at me and I smile.
Hunter exits the kitchen and I quietly follow behind. We head upstairs and I can feel my anxiety trying to return, despite my efforts to keep it at bay. The thought of being alone with him was making me anxious and I was almost beginning to regret coming here.
How could I remain friends with Hunter yet all I could think about was kissing and hugging him? How could I be so close and not be able to say what's on my mind? This was harder than I thought. It's so hard being just friends with someone that you share such a rich history with—and still do. I'm trying my best, but it's just so damn hard. And I just want him to be ultimately happy.
We get to his familiar room and he sits right down on his bed after closing the door. He sits the gift bag on his lap and he looks up at me. He gives me an expectant look to sit beside him and so I hesitate to make my way over there. I keep a small amount of space between us because it's getting really hard to control my anxiety around him. I avoid his eye contact and quietly wait for him to open his gift. He takes out the tissue paper and he takes out the scarf and gloves.
"I know it's cheesy, but I know that I always complain about you never wearing a hat, scarf, or gloves when it's freezing out. So I figured maybe if I bought you some...you would actually wear it." I explain with a smile before he thinks about how lame my gift is compared to his.
But Hunter looks happy and even begins to chuckle. "Well I guess I'm going to have to wear them now so that I don't waste your money."
"That would be nice." I laugh.
"Thank you, Asia." He looks over at me.
"There's something else in there, Hunter." I point inside the bag.
Confusion flashes on his face and he looks down at the bag. He reaches in and takes out the envelope. "I must've missed it because it blends in with the tissue paper." He explains.
"It's okay." I smile sweetly. I quietly watch as he opens the envelope and when pulls out the tickets, his grey eyes grow wide and he gapes at the two tickets in his hand.
"What! Asia, you did not buy me tickets to see Travis Scott!" He exclaims loudly.
"I did! I know he's one of your favorite artists."
I can see how excited and happy he is and it makes me laugh. He looks so youthful and elated that it makes me feel indescribable inside. Staying up all night to get those tickets was so worth it.
"These must've been so expensive!" He can't seem to stop gaping at both me and the tickets. "I can't believe you did this! Thank you so much."
He catches me off guard and engulfs me in a tight hug. I gladly return the gesture and I can't seem to wipe the silly grin off my face. I just love seeing him so happy.
"I'm glad you like your gifts."
"Wait a minute," He pauses. "There are two tickets."
"I know. I figured maybe you wanted to bring Nick or whomever with you." I shrug.
"So you basically bought Nick and I tickets?" He looks suspicious of my words.
"No, I bought tickets for you and whoever you would like to accompany you." I correct him.
"But not for yourself?"
"Well...I didn't know if you wanted me to go with you since we're not together and figured you wanted to go with your best friend or your brother."
"You're my best friend, too," He looks me in the eyes. "And you're the one who bought the tickets. I would like for you to come, but if you would feel more comfortable with Nick going that's fine, I guess. So ultimately the decision is yours."
My heart swells at his words. Hunter is so sweet and caring, and I bet half the time he doesn't even realize it. He can be so selfless that it makes me feel bad inside for not treating him like the gem that he is.
"I'll think about." I smile, even though deep down I want to say yes that I'll go.
"Wow, I'm still in shock. This is hands down the best gift I've received this Christmas." He tells me.
"I'm glad that you like it. I loved your gift as well. I actually brought the camera with me." I reach into my bag and take out camera. Before Hunter can even react, I take an off guard photo of him and wait for it to process.
"Hey!" He shrieks, causing me to laugh.
"What?" I laugh as I shake the picture.
"I wasn't ready!"
"Sometimes the best photos are the ones that aren't staged," I smirk, causing him to smile and roll his eyes. "And besides, you look great."
"I do, don't I?" He says in a jokingly way that makes us both laugh. "Let's take one together."
"Really?" I can't help but feel surprised.
"Yes, really," He laughs at my surprised face. "Come on." He takes the camera from me and holds it up. I move closer to him and he drapes his arm around me.
"Say cheese!" I say, and the two of us smile and say the word.
The bright flash goes off and we wait for the film to come out. I watch as Hunter shakes it and we wait for it to begin developing. Once we are able to see the picture, I can't help but adore it. We both look so cute and happy it makes my heart swell. Wow, this may be my new favorite photo.
"Perfect," Hunter grins as he stares at the photo. "I'm keeping it."
"Hey!" I shriek. "What if I wanted to keep it?"
"Nah, I'm keeping it."
"But it's my camera!"
"That I bought you!"
I scoff. "No fair!"
He holds the photo in his right hand away from me at arm's length. I reach over, trying to get the film from him but he holds it too high and far away that I struggle. And the whole time I'm too busy trying to get the photo that I barely realize how close our faces are until I feel his breath on my cheek. We both stop moving as if we both became aware of our proximity and turn to look at each other. I stare into Hunter's gray eyes until my eyes slowly trail down to his lips that were a mere few inches away from mine. Our breaths are shallow and my heart is now racing a me a minute.
"Sorry." I shyly look away.
"Don't be." He whispers.
I look into his eyes and it seems that we are stuck in a trance. Both our bodies are moving closer and if neither of us stop I will let myself completely go and I will surrender my body to him. Our lips are slightly touching and my mind is screaming at me to stop. I can't let this happen.
I fake clearing my throat and move away. "We probably shouldn't..."
Hunter turns his face away from me and fake coughs. "Yeah, you're probably right."
I bite my lip and look away. I can't believe I was about to kiss him. That was not a part of the agenda at all, but I mentally pat myself on the back for not letting it happen.
"Asia..." Hunter begins.
I look up and over and meet his gaze. His face is serious and I know the mood is about to shift.
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad that we are on good terms. It feels good that you and I can be friends." His hand reaches for my thigh and gives it a slight squeeze.
Friends.
I begin to feel uneasy and it feels as if someone is sitting on my chest. Suddenly it's as if I can't breathe and I stare blankly at his hand resting on my thigh. All of my feelings seem to be crashing down and it's beginning to hit me hard. I've been telling myself that being just friends with Hunter was going to work, that this was the best thing I could offer him at the moment. I thought I wanted this instead of having him out of my life completely. But after what just happened I'm not so sure.
How can I sit here and pretend to be only friends with him when I'm madly in love? How can I smile and laugh with him when all I can think about is how I want to be his again?
It's so hard, and every time I try to tell myself that I can do it. But here right now, I'm living a lie. And I can't lie anymore. I don't want to lie to anyone or myself again because I want to work on being an honest person. How can I be honest with myself if I'm lying every day with the thought of just being platonic with Hunter?
It hurts so much and I feel like I'm going back on my words if I tell him that I don't want to be friends. But what else am I supposed to do? Lie to him like I did before? And what will I get out of that? At least by telling the truth there won't be anything between us. I just know that it is incredibly hard sitting next to him and not being able to pour my heart out, or kiss him, or hug him in a way that comforts the both of us. I know that I'm doing this to give him a fair chance to be young and free and to also work on myself. I know that I can't expect things to go my way because I want them to—not that they ever really have.
All I'm saying is that as a girl who has been through so much with one boy and is still in love with that boy, how can I just be friends him? And why does it have to hurt so much?
"Asia, what's wrong?" Hunter breaks the long silence and his voice grows concerned.
"I don't think I can do this anymore." I shake my head. I can't seem to take my eyes off of his hand resting on my leg.
"You don't think you can do what anymore?"
"This," I look up and point at the two of us before standing up. "Every day I try to tell myself that I will warm up to the idea of being just friends with you but every day and it gets harder and harder. I thought it would be a good idea but it's hurting me more than I anticipated."
Hunter is completely silent as he listens to my rant.
"Just friends? Hunter there will never be a time where I can be just friends with you," I tell him honestly. "I can't sit here and pretend like I never hurt you or that I haven't acted in ways that I'm not proud of. I can't sit here and pretend like we've never had a past when we both know that's far from the truth."
"I'm not asking you to." His voice is soft.
"I know you're not, but this is just too much for me. I'm really sorry and I know I should have said it sooner, but I was being selfish. I wanted you and it was a selfish act. But I promise you I've been trying to improve and work on my flaws, and I'm starting with being honest," I exhale. "I really don't mean to put a damper on things but I just can't do the friendship thing. I really hope you can understand."
Hunter is completely silent as he stares down at the floor. I stare at him, waiting for a reply that never comes. He knows that I am right. We can't keep playing pretend. We would eventually hit a crossroad, and I'd rather face it now than get hurt even more in the long run.
Secretly I know that I am waiting for him to say the words. I am waiting for the day where he comes to the conclusion on whether or not he wants to be with me. I'm not saying that day has to be today, tomorrow, or the next day. I'm just saying that until he comes to a decision, I'll be waiting.
Hell, I know that I want to give him a chance at being on his own, but if he truly wanted me back right here and now...I would accept him. The only reason I don't say this aloud is because I don't want him to feel like he has to rush and give me an answer. I want him to take his time. I ultimately just want him to be happy, but I've got to be somewhat okay as well.
"I don't mean to be this way, Hunter." I break the long silence.
"I know you don't because it's the truth," He nods, though he still doesn't look at me. "I thought having you close but not too close would be good for us, but you're right. It's just going to hurt us both in the end. So I understand where you're coming from."
"You're not mad at me?"
"How could I be angry when you're telling me the truth?" He finally looks up at me. "I want you to continue working on yourself and be happy. And if this isn't making you happy, then it doesn't have to be this way."
"It's not that it's not making me happy, Hunter, because I'm always happy with you and you know that," I tell him. "It's just that...I can't sit here and keep up a platonic relationship with you. Maybe I just need a few days to sort my mind out, but right now it's just a bit overwhelming."
"I get it. I want you to do what's best for you," He says and stands up. "So I guess we'll go back to the way it was before."
I don't say anything because it makes me sad. Ugh, this is so hard.
I follow him out of his room and downstairs. I make sure to grab the cake that Patricia had set out for me to take home and I say good bye. She thanks me for stopping by and we head to the door. The both of us manage to get out two awkward good bye's, and I feel almost empty inside when we don't lean in to hug each other.
I close the door behind me and hurry to my car. As much as I hated saying all of those things, I knew I needed to. And Hunter being the selfless person that he is, of course he put my feelings before his. But I can't continue being this close to him and not knowing what's going to happen next.
I'm hoping a real break from each other will help him realize things and come to a conclusion.
Like I said before, I'm not rushing him to make a decision...but it sure would be nice to know if I can work to build things back with him or learn how to heal the large wound that will grow if he decides to cut us off completely.