Taehyung stared blankly at the open notebook on his lap, pen in his hands. He had absolutely no idea where to start.
He'd woken up that morning with a brilliant idea of writing down the things he couldn't possibly speak of instead of wasting time being useless in that room. Much like they've been doing for him; writing messages in cards sent with soft toys, he thought they should try doing that too, although he couldn't exactly give them anything other than that notebook.
He thought it'd make everything easier and it did but not quite. All it did was save him from seeing their reactions and some dignity. Dignity for what exactly, he didn't know. Nonetheless, he still had to go through the process of reliving his nightmares and bringing his inner most dark thoughts and feelings out into the light. That fact was still something heavy and difficult to deal with.
He had a lot of things to say, a lot of things to explain, and he didn't know where he could start hence he stared at that blank white page in utmost concentration and ironically, cluelessness.
He had been doing that for like what? Twenty minutes yet no progress, not even a single word written on the paper that's been beckoning to him.
A knock sounded from the door and jolted Taehyung out of his honest struggle.
"C-come in!" he called out.
He watched the door open a crack as the lady nurse from before popped her head in with her usual smile.
"Am I disturbing you?" she asked.
"No. Come in," Taehyung forced himself to sit up straighter although his wound, stiff muscles and neck complained under the movement. "Do I need to take another medicine?"
The nurse entered the room fully, closing the door behind her.
"No. But you have a card," she held it up in her hands with a knowing smile.
Taehyung frowned. A card?
He thought that the morning deliveries would stop after all his members had sent their individual messages for him yet here was another one.
It wasn't morning though. It was half past noon. The other cards he'd received so far were brought to him early in the morning hours. What changed?
"From who?" he asked.
The nurse just gave him a shrug as she yet again, smiled at his curiosity.
Taehyung took the card in his hands and looked at it with stupendous awe. It was like the card in his hands was a gift from heaven and was as precious to him as his life, just like the other cards.
"I don't understand," he all but murmured under his breath.
"Well, I see you haven't written anything," the nurse remarked, seeing the empty notebook on his lap. She had been the one who helped him acquire it. "I shall give you some privacy then."
Taehyung didn't give her a glance, too deep in his own thoughts. However, before she exited the room, he asked, "are they still here?"
"Right outside," she said with a cheery smile and that was when he brought his eyes towards the door, watching her leave.
They were right outside. Right there like his personal bodyguards- no, his guardian angels.
The thought brought a sheer smile to his lips and an underlying sadness in his eyes.
Taehyung brought his gaze back to the card. He took a deep breath in and flipped it.
We love you.
You're not a burden.
You're anything but.
Stop thinking that you are.
You're our family, and this family is broken without you, Tae.
So let us be there for you.
Let us worry about you.
Let us take care of you.
Apologies are more sincere when said face to face so hurry up and get well so that we can make it up to you.
For all that is worth, we're lost too, without you.
Suddenly, Taehyung was having a hard time breathing through his already clogged nose. He'd been crying a lot for weeks now and this week wasn't an exception.
Taehyung looked back at the door and the window beside it as he was overcome by grief. The blinds were always closed, covering anyone that stood or walked pass his room.
Right then he could imagine his hyungs, Jiminie and Kookie sitting on the other side of that stupid wall he grew to hate for the past few days that he'd been hold up alone in that room. He hated that wall for it separated him from everyone.
Taehyung wiped at his nose and eyes, willing himself to stop crying.
Were they always there? Even though they couldn't exactly see him, do they come by his room every day? Do they stay there, behind that wall for a while even though they knew it was pointless? Will they really still love him and care for him when he finally tells them? When they finally know how broken he was?
How can he be sure that they'd accept his broken self? How can Taehyung be sure that they'd never leave him no matter how much he changed, no matter how f***ed up he got in the head?
Then he looked back to the card that was still in his hands and remembered the pile of cards he'd gotten for the past six days. Those seven cards were his answers. They were answers to all his insecurities and doubts.
Taehyung gulped down a lump on his throat.
When I call out... When I reach out... Would you take my hand and walk with me all the way? Will you listen to me, stay with me even when I can't be put back together again?
"I'm doing well," he croaked, wishing he was loud enough so that they could hear him speaking to them. "I'm okay."
I'm really not okay. I'm not doing well at all. I'm lost without you guys. I'm dying.
He just wanted to hear their voice again. Their soothing soft voice that have calmed him countless of times before. He needed to be sure that they were there even when his inner demons convinced him that they weren't.
For a moment there was silence, leading Taehyung to believe that they didn't hear him. That they would never hear him.
But then, there were consecutive thumps on the window and the doors that made him jump slightly in surprise. And then...
"You're not okay, Taehyung!" it was Yoongi's stern voice that broke the sickening silence. "I could hear you sniffling!"
This made Taehyung's lips twitch to a small smile. Then he chuckled ever so softly as more tears came his way.
They're here... They haven't left me yet...
"Not funny!" J-Hope barked as if he could hear him loud and clear.
"Did he laugh? You heard him laugh? Yah! Jimin, can you move? I can't hear anything!" he heard Namjoon complaining.
"It's not my fault, hyung! I want to hear too!" the other replied.
That was when it clicked to Taehyung that his members were pressing their ears against the door to hear into the room (or at least hear him as clearly as they could).
"You're stepping on my foot, hyung!" he heard Jungkook whine.
"Sorry," that was Jin. Taehyung could just hear the sheepish grin coming off of the eldest's tone.
Hearing his members once again, though muffled by the walls, it just brought more tears to Taehyung's eyes. Tears of joy.
At this point, Taehyung might just be conflicted.
The softest whimper escaped his mouth. The one that he tried to muffle with his trembling hands.
Taehyung was crushing in on himself. Again.
"W-why...?" he let out in a whisper. He felt like his lungs were being constricted. "W-w-why w-would you... W-why are you still h-here?"
You never left... You're still here. For a person such as me... You're still here. Why? I'm...
Taehyung's inner demons had clouded his judgement before and he had been trying to hear his members calling out to him, comforting him and telling him that they were always there, against the loud whispers of the devil lurking in the very shadows of his being. But now, because his members never gave up on him, because they were constantly trying to break down his walls and prove to him that his fears are all but fears, he could see and hear them more clearly. He could see the lies that his mind had been feeding him.
"I'm s-sorry," Taehyung stuttered.
He's starting to think that maybe he can be fixed after all. Maybe he wasn't entirely broken. Maybe he wasn't as dead as he thought he was. Maybe, he just needed more time, that it'd be painful to bear but that he'd eventually be fine. That maybe if he stopped pushing his members away lest he'd lose them instead, he wouldn't be as miserable as he was. That all of them wouldn't suffer as much as they were now.
"I'm sorry."