~ Jack/Sean's POV ~
I wake up, facing the ceiling, and when I turn to my left, I see her there, facing away from me. I reach out to touch her, but she moves away from me. I sigh and kick my legs out of bed, running my hands through my hair.
Another day, another day I decide to
Waste away and contemplate how
Everything has changed.
I stand up, and stumble out of the room, into the bathroom. In a daze, I step into the shower, letting the water soak me as tears threaten to fall. It's been so long since I've cried, in the shower at least.
And though we tried, not to compromise what burns inside,
Your complex mind that changes everyday.
I leave the shower, and head to my recording room, passing her on the stairs, neither of us saying anything, and my heart aches to pull her into me, just to hold her. It's been months since I've held her. Even though she's beside me, I miss her, us, more than anything.
These deep breaths repeating,
My heart stops its beating.
I fall into my recording chair, and break down again, crying hysterically into my hands, silently.
And I don't know why these deep breaths repeating,
My heart stops its beating,
The sun has yet to set and you've already said good night.
Her and I are so distant now, and it's all my fault. At first, out relationship was like a dream, everything was absolutely perfect, but I took it for granted, I wanted more. She wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, and for some reason, I convinced myself that I didnt want to do the same. I told her to give me space. I shouted at her, one of her largest causes of anxiety is shouting, and I fucking shouted at her. She cried for hours, and would cower away from me, sometimes physically getting up and running away from me. Still, she didnt leave the apartment. I dont know if it would have been better if she had, because we dont talk to each other, we arent a couple at all. I miss her, so fucking much.
Baby, please, there's nothing wrong with the way I light up when you're around.
When she does actually talk to me, it's only her asking me why I bother "acting" happy whenever she enters a room. Even after all we've been through, even though we barely talk anymore, I cant stop myself from smiling whenever she walks into the room Im in, because I get my hopes up that she wants to talk to me, wants to resolve things, but she never does. I hurt her, and now she's in denial, she wont believe that Im genuinely happy to see her.
Do anything you want, but don't leave me out.
She goes out with her friends so often, and she may not believe it, but I know when she's not here. She thinks I dont notice when she leaves, but I do. The house feels empty and cold when she's not here. Even if she doesnt want to talk to me, I need her here. Even if she hates me, I love her more than anything.
Baby, please, just get closer to me.
I cry harder as I think back to how close we used to be, how much I wish we could back go the way we were. I just want her back. I want us to be the couple we were when this relationship started. If she ever gives me another chance, I'll never fuck up again. Im barely surviving the pain of my last fuck-up, let alone going through it again.
A month went by, a month that I can't describe,
A month I've been trying to push aside and forget in time.
My days are getting slower. Time is dragging out. Seconds seem like hours. Hours seem like days. I've completely lost track of time, because the clock hands are moving forward, but Im not. I cant. Im stuck.
I wipe my eyes and pull myself together with some deep breaths. I should probably get something to eat. I remember, before, I'd be recording, and I'd smell her making pancakes. Eating pancakes with her. I miss that.
It hurts so much.
I stand up and leave my recording room, making my way to the kitchen. I see her, leaning against the counter, staring down at her phone, looking as beautiful as ever. Last week, I called her beautiful, and she scoffed, then left the room, not even sparing me a glance. My life is miserable without her. I walk over to her and reach up into the cupboard above her, to grab some some doritos. I look down at her as I stand in front of her.
And now we are inches away, but we're miles apart.
Look up.
Look at me.
Please.
Just glance up at me.
Please.
She doesnt.
I grab the doritos and head back into my recording room, feeling defeated.
So I'll dream of the day and how we felt at the start,
But dreams don't come easy these days,
And the colors, they fade into grays.
I've lost interest in everything. Every smile, every laugh, that people see in my videos, is fake. Every single one. I dont want them to worry about me, Im not worth it, so I act like my old self, to please them. Sometimes, I feel like I convince myself Im ok when Im acting, then reality hits me, and I break down again. The amount of times I'll break down in the middle of recording is ridiculous. I've had to do more editing than ever before, taking out all my crying intervals. I suppose it takes up more of my time editing, since I gave Robin a break so that he doesnt worry about me either, and distracts me a small bit, so I could be slightly grateful for that.
These deep breaths repeating,
My heart stops its beating.
I need her.
Im desperate for her.
I need to hold her.
I need to kiss her.
It's been so long.
Im so alone.
Please.
I'll do anything.
She's determined to start a fight.
When this all started, her and I would fight so often, but now, whenever she tries to start a fight, I just give in, or walk away. I dont fight back. I cant. No matter how much she hurts me with her words. I need her. I love her too much to fight with her anymore.
I surrender.
These deep breaths repeating,
My heart stops its beating.
The sun has yet to set and you're not here to say good night.
Some nights, when she goes out with her friends, she wont even come home. I cry myself to sleep on those nights. I cry myself to sleep every night, but, on those nights, I dont have to do it silently. When she's beside me, sleeping soundly, I dont dare wake her with the sounds of my cries. I dont want to anger her. Im pathetic. She hates me. I dont know why she bothers with me at all. Im a waste of space. She deserves so much better.
Baby, please, there's nothing wrong with the way I light up when you're around.
There have been times when she's come home at around 5am, and found me sobbing hysterically in our bed. Sometimes, when I look in her eyes as she stands in the doorway, I swear I see tears, and I see the look she used to give me whenever I was upset. That concern, the worry, the care that I dont deserve. I see it in her eyes, Im sure of it. But she doesnt say anything. Not ever. And I act like it never happened.
Do anything you want, but don't leave me out.
Baby, c'mon, this was going somewhere,
I won't let go of what we had.
I make plans everyday to talk to her, but I can never gather enough courage to actually go through with those plans.
Im so scared of rejection.
I've let her down.
I've failed her.
Why would she accept my apology?
'Cause I'm a broken record that keeps on skipping back.
Im living with the ghosts of my past, the happy memories of what we had. They haunt me. I can never forget them. They never leave me alone. At first, I hated her for making me feel so shitty, but even then, I could never deny that I missed her. I love her.
And I still miss her.
As I finish editing my videos, I hear a door slam. She's home. Every time she comes home, Im surprised by her arrival, because I never expect her to return. Something takes ahold of me, and suddenly, Im standing up, storming out of my recording room, and then, Im in front of her. She rolls her eyes at me and tries to step past me. But I block her path, she raises an eyebrow at me.
"What do you want?" She asks me, and her tone makes my ears sting.
"I want to talk to you." I hear myself say, and Im in shock. Why am I doing this!?!
She sighs "Im not in the mood right now." She tries to walk past me again, but I move to block her path a second time.
And I never thought that you'd leave me here all on my own.
And I never thought you'd be willing to take away my home.
Im not going to shout, I cant shout, I dont have the strength. Im just going to stick up for myself. "No, Im done with this immature bullshit (Y/N)! Im done ignoring each other, Im done trying desperately to get your attention all the fucking time! I need you, so much more than you understand. And yeah, I fucked up, but is torturing me like this really a necessary punishment!?! Everyday, you go out, and leave me by myself, never knowing whether you'll bother coming home, not that I can call this place home anymore, my home is wherever you are, and I dont even know who the fuck you are anymore! The you I know, the you I love, would never be so relentlessly cruel. You've taken everything from me!" I fall to my knees and burst into tears.
'Cause there's no one to call and I'm so sick of being all alone.
"Im so alone, Im in so much pain, and it hurts even more, because I know that you dont care. I know that you hate me. I know that you deserve better. I dont know what to do!" I cry.
"Why dont you just leave?" She asks me in a small voice.
I cry harder "Because I love you!"
And I'm stuck miserably loving you.
"Stand up Sean." She says.
My eyes widen, she hasnt said my name in months. I pull myself to my feet and stare at her, to see tears in her eyes.
"Im so, so sorry! I cant apologize enough for the way I've been acting. But, you need to understand, what you said really fucking hurt, it made me feel like shit, it knocked my, already low, self esteem, and made me think I was a total failure, that I had let you down, and you hated me! I've been acting this way out of hurt and fear, because Im so scared you're going to leave. But still, everyday, I go out, to give you the opportunity to leave me behind, to walk out, because you're right, you dont deserve this. Im a mess. I've fucked everything up. Im so fucking stupid, and Im so sorry." She says, and, for the first time, I can feel the emotion behind her voice.
I can understand why she acted the way she did, and that she regrets it.
"Every night, I hear you crying, and I have to fight the urge to comfort you, tell you that it's ok, tell you that I still...I still..." She closes her eyes in a pained blink, and tears roll down her cheeks.
Even now, it hurts to see her cry.
"Y-You still...what?" I ask her in a broken voice.
Baby, please, there's nothing wrong with the way I light up when you're around.
Do anything you want, but don't leave me out...
Her eyes meet mine "I still love you Sean."
Baby, please, there's nothing wrong with the way I light up when you're around.
"You havent let me down, you havent fucked things up, you havent done anything wrong. I still love you, more than I can possibly describe. I love that you continuously try to show me affection, I love the way you light up when I walk into a room, I love that you're so determined to make things work between us, I love that you stick up for yourself, and that you've finally opened my eyes."
Do anything you want, but don't leave me out.
"I love your smile, your laugh, your endless supply of jokes, your gorgeous eyes, your arms that are always inviting me in, I love how your hair looks when it's faded, and I love how it looks straight after you've dyed it."
Baby, c'mon, this was going somewhere,
I won't let go of what we had.
"I never want to be with anyone else, I love absolutely everything about you, you are absolutely perfect. I wont let this get between us, I wont let this break us apart, I promise. I've missed you so much Sean."
Now I'm a broken record that keeps on skipping back.
I blink rapidly, shocked by her words. I take it all in, remember every word, think about what it means. A wide smile spreads across my face, as I stare at her. There are still tears rolling down her cheeks, and her body is shaking. She's still scared I'll leave. I cant believe she still loves me, after all that's happened, she still feels the same.
Can I trust her again?
Can I look past the way we treated each other?
Can I move forward?
Can I make this work?
Can I be happy again?
The questions rush around my mind, but, as my arms open out to her, and she instantly runs into them...as they wrap around her and hold her close to me, and I rest my head on top of hers, the answer to all of those questions hits me, and it hits me hard.
Of course I can.
Baby, please, just get closer to me.