(A/N- So...I just hit 800 followers today and I am so thankful!! I really had no expectation to ever reach that many but I am still very grateful! I'm also very appreciative for all of the readers of my stories, vocal and silent. "Near To You" has just over 17k reads, "Anything For You" over 51k, "It Happened One Night" over 42k, "My Mentor" just over 157k, "Back Then" has just shy of 20k and this story has already reached almost 17k. I never expected any of these stories to do as well as they are doing and I owe it all to my lovely readers! Love you all so much!! Anyway...enough with the sentimental..... I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) xx )
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I am currently lying awake, staring at my ceiling. I woke about an hour ago but have yet to move. Everything that happened last night is running on a constant loop in my head. Everything was ok, at first. I thought we were going to make it through the night without incident but Harry had to sing that God damned song. I’m still feeling sadness, sympathy, hurt, anger and frustration. But now confusion has set in.
I move my eyes on Ryan. Soft, barely audible snores escaping him. His chest is rising and falling with each breath, while his hand is resting gently on my hip. I know that I need to tell him what went on. I need to tell him about the song that Harry sang and I need to tell him what took place in the stairwell.
I’m feeling plagued by the thoughts that maybe Harry and I never really ended things properly. I just completely cut him out without a second chance. But at the time I was too hurt to want to stay with him and make it work and now I am too happy with Ryan to want to go back and try again with Harry. I guess that is where the confusion sets in.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I open my eyes to find Ryan’s trained on me. I softly smile and place a kiss on his lips.
“Good morning, handsome.” I then run one of my hands through his hair. “Did you have a good time last night?” We kiss once more before he stretches his recently awaken body with a slight groan.
“Yeah” he says with a nod. “You?”
“Yeah…it was fun.” I knew that wouldn’t really be convincing and his fingers holding my chin to tilt my face down to his confirmed that he didn’t believe me.
“What’s wrong, babe? Was last night too much?” I sigh at his questions. I know that this is the moment where I am supposed to tell my boyfriend everything that went on but I am so hesitant. I don’t want to hurt Ryan by telling him that Harry kissed along my neck and it took a few moments for me to stop him but at the same time, lying will hurt more. I half smile and begin with the account of what went on.
“You know that song that Harry sang last night?”
“Yeah. He was brilliant. A great performance, that.” He begins to sit up in the bed. He leans against the head board and I follow suit. We are now both properly sat up and looking at one another.
“Yeah” I slightly nod. “It’s just that that song he sang….it was….” I twiddle my fingers while looking at my lap. “….it was mine and Harry’s song.” I drop my head even further.
“Oh” He replies and sits up a bit straighter but says nothing else.
“Yeah. I sang that song to Harry once, after a couple months of dating and from then on out it had special meaning. Do you remember that I sang that song during the X-Factor? Bloom by The Paper Kites.” I watch his face for recognition and after a few moments he nods.
“I sang that song on the show because I sang that song for him in private and it was like an ‘I love you’ to him and a secret moment that we shared on live television. So needless to say, as soon as he started to sing that song, I was hurt and angry and sad and….” I couldn’t finish. Not that I was getting overly emotional and was unable to continue but because there was nothing else I could say with regard to the matter.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was just waiting for any kind of response. He took my hands in his and kissed my forehead.
“I’m sorry, babe. That must have been very difficult for you. I guess I could sense there was something up. So was Gemma a distraction last night to get me out of there so the two of you could talk? You know Gemma and I aren’t really all that close. She could have had Lou take her out to her car. I was thinking that is what was going on so I just went along with it and wanted to be able to give you the time to work out what you needed.”
“It wasn’t requested by me; the distraction that is. But obviously Gemma knew what Harry sang and Louis too for that matter and as soon as you and Gemma left, I just kind of went to a secluded stairwell to get away, but I knew he would follow.”
“What happened, Ni?” He sounded really sad and I didn’t want that. But I knew I would not lie. I took a few breaths and held his hands tighter.
“I got to the stairwell and just started crying and he came in seconds behind me and hugged me and continued to say that he was sorry but that he loves me and has never stopped and wants to be with me and can’t live without me.” I look at Ryan and his head tilted back and he began focusing on the ceiling. I continue.
“I told him that he shouldn’t have sang that song and that I am happy with you but he kept apologizing and saying he loves me and misses me and then he started to…..” I sigh and drop my head.
“Niall” I hear him softly say and I look up at him; his eyes glossing over.
“He started to kiss my neck and I held onto the front of his shirt but I didn’t push him away and I allowed it to continue and it did. And eventually once he was at my cheek, kissing and moving towards my lips, I finally stopped him. I pushed him away and told him that we can’t be friends and he was crying and I was crying and then I gave him a kiss on his head and I left him in the stairwell and went back to the party just before you came back. Louis went out to Harry immediately, that’s why they weren’t around last night to say goodbye.” I finished with everything that I had to tell him and I waited.
The time seemed to pass so slowly. I was looking at him and he was looking at the ceiling. I could see him trying to think about everything and what he wanted to say. I was worried but the one good thing that kept my hopes up was the fact that he still had a hold of my hands; one of his thumbs was running gentle circles over the skin on the top of my right hand. I held onto to that hope and waited some more.
“You let him kiss your neck” He softly breathed.
“Yes” I whispered, ashamed of my actions.
“Did you like it?” He timidly asked and looked at me. He then blinked and a single tear ran down his cheek. I dropped my head in response and I heard him sigh. He knew by that, I did like it.
“Do you think you want to be with him again?”
“No.” I answered quickly and without doubt. “I want to be with you.” I took his face into my hands and kissed the tear away from his cheek. “Ryan, I am so happy with you. You are such a wonderful person and boyfriend and I want nothing more than to be with you. I’m sorry I allowed Harry to kiss my neck like that and it felt familiar and comforting and yes, I lost myself in it but I knew that I didn’t want to hurt you, so I stopped before it went any further. I am so sorry, Ryan. Just tell me what I can do to make it right. I’m so sorry, baby.” I had a few tears leave my eyes as I kissed his lips. Thankfully I felt pressure from his lips so I knew he wanted my kiss.
“I think I just need to clear my head for a few hours. Just be by myself to think. I’ll just go back to my place for the afternoon. Can I do that?” he asks, more nicely to me than I probably deserve. He then intertwines our hands.
“Of course, babe. Take all the time you need. I’ll just be here.”
He nods and then gets up from the bed and begins to pull on his clothing from last night. I am watching him move about my room, readying himself to leave for who knows how long and my chest is becoming heavier by the second.
I stand from the bed and he takes my hand in his and leads me to the front door.
“Will you be back here tonight?” I asked in a hushed but hopeful tone.
“I’m not sure. I’ll call you, ok?” He places a kiss on my forehead and I nod. He stares at me for a few moments and then places his hand on the side of my neck; his fingers gently grazing over the sensitive skin. I lean into his touch and look up into his eyes. He leans forward and joins our lips together. They linger on each other for a while, not moving. He then separates us and places another kiss on my cheek.
“I’ll see you in a bit, baby.” He opens the door and before leaving, places another kiss on my lips.
“Bye” I whisper as he pulls away. I lean my head on the side of the door and watch him as he gets into his car and drives away. I remain in the doorway until I can no longer see his vehicle. I shut the door and lean my back against it. I allow tears to fall more frequently and eventually when I can no longer stand, I slide my back down the door and wrap my arms around my knees and cry.
The rest of the morning was spent moping around my house. I did absolutely nothing but sit on the sofa and stare at the television, which wasn’t even on. I listened to the rain hit the roof and patter against the windows. Perfect weather for how I am feeling. The gloomy day fits the gloom I’m feeling in my chest.
Lou, as he said he would, called me and rather than asking to meet me, demanded it. I, too drained to put up with any form of arguments, agreed.
When he arrived just after one, I dragged my feet the whole way to the door; opening it to Louis, who immediately huffed at my appearance. I was in dodgy old jogging pants and an old sweatshirt. My hair all a mess and my eyes red and puffy from the tears shed this morning.
“You look horrible” He said and walked into the house and immediately into my kitchen. I didn’t say anything in response and just followed him.
I sat at the table while he worked around my kitchen getting everything together to make some tea. I watched silently as he prepared everything for us and then once it was finished, he set the hot cup in front of me and I became entranced by the steam rising from the hot liquid.
“How is he?” I mumbled. Anyone who didn’t know me probably wouldn’t have been able to decipher what I said, my depressed state making my accent thinker than normal.
“How are you?” He sighs in response and I shrug and take the first slow sip of my tea.
“I told Ryan what happened and he isn’t here anymore, so how do you think I’m doing?”
“He broke up with you?” He asked with a surprised tone to his voice.
“No. Thank God. But he said that he needed to think for a little while. I can’t blame him either. I did allow Harry to kiss me continually on the neck last night in that stairwell.” I dropped my head onto the table. I heard Louis’ chair scooting across the floor and then felt his hand begin to rub my back, soothingly.
“I’m sorry Ni. I know this is really hard for you and I know I give you a lot of shit about getting back with Harry and I’m really sorry for that. Of course I want Harry happy but I want you happy too. I know that what you have with Ryan is special, anyone can see that. Hell, even Harry saw that last night.” It was at that time that I looked up at Louis.
“What did he say?” Knowing Harry must have mentioned something to him in regard to Ryan and my relationship. “What happened with him last night?” I ask a secondary question. Louis sighed but I could see his expression changing; resolving to tell me.
“I just held him for a while and then brought him home. Gemma joined us about a little later. He didn’t say anything for an hour or so, but we got him into bed, Gemma was on one side of him and I was on the other and we just cuddled him until finally he began speaking.” Louis took a sip of his tea and then continued.
“He said that he messed up big time and lost you for good. He saw you in Ryan’s arms and how the two of you were with one another and it hurt him something awful because he finally saw how happy Ryan makes you. At the same time he is angry because he really does just want you back and I think that is why he sang that song. Not that he was trying to be mean and start something because I’m sure if he knew what the outcome of singing that song would have been, he certainly wouldn’t have done it. I know he still wants to be with you, though. That won’t ever change, Ni. You’re his one. You’ve always been his one and you always will be.”
Once he is finished, we sit in silence for a few minutes. I am thinking about everything again. I’ve been thinking about everything. I keep thinking about it all. There is no way around it. Maybe I have been fooling myself in thinking that Harry and I could be friends. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself in thinking that I am completely over him. I know that I am absolutely happy with Ryan and want to remain with him but it’s appearing that the feelings for Harry might still be there and may likely always be there. But I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with Ryan.
Louis and I finish our visit about an hour later and I am once again left alone with nothing but my thoughts; my very loud, screaming at me, thoughts.
I made a call to Liam and told him the story of what happened. He didn’t offer up any advice. I think he knew that at this point there wasn’t much else to say. He wished me the best with Ryan and said he would be here if I needed to vent. He did say that I needed to follow my heart and I guess, yes, that’s always sound advice but not really helpful in my situation. Both Ryan and Harry are in my heart. I have love for Ryan and I used to be and admittedly maybe still in love with Harry. But I know that I could fall in love with Ryan and he is the person that I see myself with.
I had spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv and eventually made myself a small dinner and ate lonely at my table in the kitchen. I had played around on the guitar for a while and wrote down a few things on some scrap pieces of paper; likely to get tossed in the bin because to me, what I wrote was nothing special and was just the chicken scratch of a confused man. Deciding I had enough of that, I hopped into the shower with the water set to a hot as I could handle and stood in there for a while with my thoughts.
It was around eight thirty when a knock came on my door. I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressed in sweats and t-shirt; hair still very much damp, having only been towel dried about two minutes prior. Everything in me, as I was walking to the front door, was hoping that it was Ryan. I missed him. I was bothered by the fact that he could potentially break up with me. I wanted him here so that we could make it right.
To my relief it was Ryan standing on the other side of the door when I opened it.
“Hi. Come in.” I said and held out my hand for him to take. I smiled when he accepted my hand and I led us to the living room.
“Hi” I spoke softly and we both sat down on the sofa.
I stared at him for a few moments before beginning to lean in, wanting nothing more than to kiss him and I was filled with more hope as he matched my movements and placed his lips on mine. We wrapped our arms around one another and stayed in the comfort of each other’s arms, silently.
“So, we should probably talk.” He spoke, pulling away from our embrace but kept our hands interlocked and in his lap.
“I just want you to tell me what you are feeling and what you want.” I sighed. I could see him thinking about what he wanted to say.
“I’m trying to be understanding of everything and I want you to be happy and I don’t want anyone to be hurting but it really hurt me when you told me what happened. I know you are sorry and I accept your apology and you are forgiven, I just don’t know if I would be ok if it happened again.”
“I know and it won’t. I’ve already told him that we can’t be friends. There won’t be a situation like that anymore. Ryan, babe…” I hold onto his chin and bring it forward to place my lips on his for a moment before pulling away and returning to what I was saying. “I want to be with you. You make me happy and I just…..”
“Are you sure, Ni? What are you honestly feeling?”
“I am confused. I think obviously hearing that song brought back memories and feelings and I can’t deny that I thought about what we used to be and what we used to have but even thinking about all of that, I still want to be with you.” I lean into his chest and rest my head just below his collar bone. He wraps his arm around me and begins stroking my back.
“I want to be with you too, Ni…but again, if you at any point start having doubts about us or the feelings for Harry return, you have to tell me. I’m not gonna stand in the way of what you really want.”
“You’re what I really want.” I reply quickly and look up at him. He smiles softly and cranes his head down so that our lips can meet.
Twenty minutes later we were curled up under the covers of my bed; our bodies wrapped tightly around one another, soaking up the heat from our bodies, falling asleep happily in each other’s arms.