The words ran away from me...
Anka
I waited for Jared's arrival just like someone waited for the rain in the desert. My doctor also suggested that I should go and visit a psychiatrist just to make sure I was overcoming the dark times that I've passed through properly.
Given my recent addiction I wasn't given any pills regarding depression, so the best medicine was to talk freely in a non judgmental environment. Strangely, I had no craving to any type of drug, but that wasn't something to sleep on. I had to do what I had to do to overcome this, if I ever wanted the chance of a normal life.
So here I was, waiting for my turn on the leather couch. I shuffled my legs under the plastic chair I was sitting in, until a nurse called me in. I was showed in a bright office, that smelled of vanilla and cinnamon, strangely a smell that made me want to puke.
"How are you feeling today Anka?", asked the doctor smiling.
He was a man in his late fifties, with a set of grey hair and very thick eyebrows. He looked strangely funny as he was writing stuff down in a chart.
"The same as yesterday I guess.", I replied.
"Well, what do you want to talk about today? Do you think we can lift that weight from your chest? Or at least ease up the pain?", he asked calmly.
"I don't know if I can trust you.", I replied.
My answers were very short and didn't betray any emotions whatsoever.
"I can assure you that everything we talk about stays in this office. No matter how wrong you think it may sound. This is a safe place, where you can be free to talk about everything. What bothers you?"
There were a lot of things that bothered me. A whole lot of them...I didn't know which one to pick first, so I decided to start with a question.
"Have you ever felt so helpless that you would want to end it all in a second?", I asked, wrapping my robe tighter on my body.
"I think all of us have gone through that phase. It's the way we manage things in the end. There is always a solution to our problems, even though we can't see it in the beginning. Why did you have these thoughts in the first place? Was it something work related? Or relationship related?"
"Because I thought I would never be good enough for someone."
In reality the whole thing fueled from a visit that I paid to a gynecologist. I wanted to know if after so many years of working as a prostitute I could still have kids. It was a common problem among working girls. The constant change of partners and the constant sex affected many of them in the long term.
The doctor's answer wasn't something that I expected to hear. No even remotely close. He told me that I couldn't conceive naturally. He did however offer me alternatives. And that's when it all started.
"Are you talking about Jared? Don't look so surprised. Everyone knows that you two are dating. News travel fast. All the nurses like him.", he said with a wink.
I gulped and then I started looking at my fingers. I didn't trust him. He looked like someone that could blurt out anything to a news channel for a good amount of money. I didn't want to risk dragging Jared into that.
"Anka you have to talk to me. If you don't do that, I won't be able to help you. So are you ready to do that?"
"Yes, I am. I come from a very simple family and I never thought that I would end up where I am. In my head I have a clear idea of how things worked out for me. And it didn't involve Jared. Or dating a celebrity.", I admitted.
"Do you feel suffocated in this relationship? Or pressured in any way? A lot of women and men in your situation often see the partner's success as a step back for them."
"I never felt suffocated. And most definitely I didn't feel threatened. I think that's the word you're looking for. I felt like I didn't fit it. I just felt pressured, yes, because hey, look at Jared and then look at me."
"I don't see anything wrong with you Anka. It's all in your head. We all have different concepts of beauty. And if you got Jared's attention well, it was for a reason. I think that you overthink things. And that you should be more willing to accept challenges. Always keep an open mind Anka."
"I'm afraid that if he ever decides to have a family, I won't be able to give him that...", I replied softly.
"Is there a medical reason for that?"
"There is..."
"My opinion is to keep an open mind. You have to take each step at a time. Don't plan ahead. Just live in the moment."
The session kept on going like this for another hour. I left with a bittersweet taste in my mouth, which was shortly replaced with happiness when Ella delivered the news that Jared will come tonight.
"You will get through this Anka.", she said softly.
"I'm so stupid you know. I acted childish and stupid. I put myself over Jared and look where that got me to. I nearly killed myself..."
"Hey, we all did our massive fuck ups."
"So what's your biggest fuck up Ella? You don't look like you have made that many fuck ups in life.", I asked.
Ella took a seat onto the bed and she started her story. How she became an actress, how she got married to the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. Everything.
"And where did you fuck up?", I asked.
"Me? For the last three years I used to combine pills and alcohol. What do you think of that? I had the choice to divorce and I didn't take it. And I paid the biggest price that I had to pay. What do you say to that? You were right in Tokyo. I was high as a kite.", she giggled.
"I say, damn you're a woman who managed to keep her shit together. How did you do that?"
"I didn't. What was the point in keeping my shit together if well, I couldn't..."
"Did you ever consider going back to acting?"
"I have given it a few thoughts, but I couldn't. I got used to my job and I like working with Jared. Plus I have the perk of spending time with Shannon too."
"So, you two are like a couple?"
"We have been for the last three months."
"And how do you cope with everything? The fame?"
"I just ignore it. But being from a young age in front of the spotlight, well it just gets you though at one point. You don't really care about photographers anymore. You don't really care at all about anything."
"Ella, I wanted to ask you something."
"Ask me anything."
"It's Jay's birthday in a couple of days and I want to surprise him. What do you think I could do? To surprise the man that has it all. I want to redeem myself after what I put him through...",I asked looking straight into Ella's eyes.
"Hmmm...I think the best gift was to see you wake up. And to see you well. That's it."
"Apart from that..."
"Hmmm...I have an idea."
Surprisingly, her idea and my idea were one and the same. Although her idea was on a much bigger scale. It was worth it though. I knew Shannon and her would be all in for it. And if necessary everyone would just step in.
Evening came and I was surprised by Jared's visit. He came inside, holding a huge bouquet of roses. I stood up from the bed and went straight into his arms, holding him tightly.
"I'm so sorry...", I blurted out, trying to hold back my tears.
"It's okay. I'm just glad and relieved you're okay.", he said pressing my body against his.
"I shouldn't have done what I did..."
"It's okay. It's all gone now. I'm so sorry I dragged you into something you clearly didn't want to come in. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you when you needed to be heard."
We sat down on the bed, not letting go of each other's hands, as if it would all end.
"I have to talk to you about Ireland. It's clarified so many things for me. What I want to do from now on. About our future...", he said calmly.
"Do we still have a future?", I asked.
"Why wouldn't we have one? I mean...why not?"
"Well...isn't that obvious?", I asked with a sad smile on my face.
"Anka, what you did doesn't change my feelings for you. It only made them stronger. They caught a shape. I love you. And I've never loved someone the way I love you. I want you to be mine for life. Just because the thought of ever spending a day without you in my life, leaves me empty inside. That's why. Look. I don't want you to say 'yes' or anything like that now, but I would be honored if one day you will want to be my wife. And that we will have children. And that we will have our whole lives ahead of us.", he said pulling out a small box from his jacket.
I smiled bitterly as he opened the box. Inside of it was the most beautiful ring I have ever set eyes on. It was a simple silver circle, engraved with the infinity sign on it. He took my hand and slid it onto my finger.
I just stood there nodding and crying. When I looked into his eyes I saw he had tears as well. He pulled me slowly into a kiss, running his fingers through my hair. I held his wrist tightly, not ever wanting to let go of him.
He started telling me about what happened in Ireland. He showed me the paperworks that he did and he also told me about Clara. Clearly he was a little bit shook by that.
"Did you love her?", I asked him simply.
"I thought I did. It was a fling, more or less. She was engaged to be married and well, I was a complete flirt. I'm not going to tell you I was innocent. Because I wasn't. I wanted to fuck her brains out really bad. And then I realized she didn't deserve to fuck up her life. And I didn't want to be blamed for all the bad things that happened in her life. So I ended it."
"And is she okay now?"
"Well, she is pregnant from what I saw. She moved on from what we had. I think it was normal for her to do that. That's what a normal person would do anyways."
"They are gonna let me go tomorrow. Under the condition that for the next six months I will go and do blood tests every week. And go to counseling.", I said, swiftly changing the subject.
I realized that Clara was a subject that Jared didn't want to discuss too much about. He smiled and took me into his arms again.
"We will go together and do that. Whatever it takes baby, I'm all in."
"Which brings me to the next subject matter. Your birthday is just around the corner. What would you like for your birthday?"
"Anything that involves me and you and a large bed. I will keep you in bed for the whole day. And not necessarily to make love. I wanna cuddle you and kiss you and spoil you. And cook you breakfast."
I burst into laughter when I heard the last part. Let's get one thing clear, Jared was a great musician, a great actor, producer and businessman. But cooking with him involved having a fire brigade on speed dial. It was an accident waiting to happen. He tried making me his famous recipe of vegan pancakes. Which ended up being some scorched, shapeless things that had a ton of maple syrup on them. But he loved trying.
"Why don't you let me do all the cooking. You can wash the dishes."
"I'm not that lousy in the kitchen.", he said giving me a nudge.
"But you're not a chef either. I was having other plans regarding your birthday though.", I said giving him a kiss.
"Please do tell."
"Where would be the surprise if I told you?", I said with a wink.
"You know I will find out. If it involves Shannon, well, he is crap at keeping secrets. If you think I'm a bad cook, we'll wait and see how bad is Shan at keeping secrets."
"Shannon is not involved.", I replied, also making a mental note to be careful what I tell Shannon about the surprise.
"Suit yourself. But I'm just warning you. He is lousy at keeping secrets."
The next day we walked hand in hand out of the hospital. Unfortunately, we started being stalked by paparazzis later on when we decided to go out for a walk. It was something I had to deal with.
I remembered what Ella told me. To keep myself at a distance from everything and just ignore them. Whether I liked it or not they were going to be a constant part of my life from now on and the sooner I got used to it the better.