Emma
After the longest walk of my life I am finally back home. There really is no other feeling quite like it. The warmth of the house taking over my entire system as I walk up the stairs to my room, it's amazing.
I walk through my door, longing for the peace and quiet of my room but I don't get any. Don't know why I'm even the least bit surprised seeing Harry pacing around the room.
"Emma thank god! I've been worried all fucking day, where the hell have you been?" He quickly fires questions in my direction but I have no energy to listen as I drop all my things and fall front first onto mt bed.
Feels so bloody good.
I don't look up at him as I get comfortable, I can sense him hovering over me though. I can almost feel his breath on my cheek, that's how dangerously close his, clearly desperate for me to listen.
"Did you get any of my messages?" he asks softly but I shake my head, I turned my phone off when I left and only turned it on to call Lina, nice to know that he tried though.
"Emma please just listen to me for just a few minutes, that's all I ask."
"What is it Harry?" I groan as I pull a pillow under my head. Deep down I know he didn't mean to hurt me and lucky for him I'm too emotionally drained after my little chat with kasich to really get at him.
Really, if I had anything left I'd argue with him but I just have nothing left.
"So you'll hear me out" his tone the epitome of surprised.
Harry's lengthy apology is the least of my problems. I've been surprised enough for the both of us today, his heartfelt words are needed but nothing new.
Still cannot believe that Jessica knows everything.
"Mhhhh hmmmm" nodding.
"Okay, I know I've had to say it way too often recently but I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry Em. I never meant to hurt you." He sounds so sincere, so sad, he's really pulling at my heartstrings, I can't help but bite my lip to control myself for forgiving him right here, right now..
"When I reached out to..."
Well that perks my interest, my heart starting to race.
Say it, I dare you to say her fucking name, I think to myself as my whole body getting more tense by the moment.
"Well th–that doesn't matter" he stutters quietly. "I was in a really bad place when I texted her. I would never contact her if I was in my right mind baby, you have to know that. My nan she...she meant the world to me and I know that's no excuse but losing her... Well let's just say I've never felt such pain in my entire life. Her death is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through Em...lashing out at you was just a reaction, not a fair or rational reaction but I swear, that's all it was. None of what I said to you was from the heart, they were just from the anger and loss I was feeling, that's all. I never planned to do that please believe me. I hate myself for it."
The whole time he's alternating between rubbing the back of his neck and pulling at the ends of his hair. He seems so worried, longing to find the right words. I feel for him, I really do but I didn't put us in this situation, he did.
"Texting her...honestly don't know why I did that. All I could think about was how angry I was at the whole situation, it wasn't a conscious decision by any means. I guess in the back of my mind I knew it would hurt you and since at the time I was blaming you for everything that had gone wrong in my life I just kept hurting you. Thought it would make me feel the tiniest bit better, bring some relief. It didn't."
For a long moment I hear him sigh. "God that sounds ruddy awful."
It's only now that I turn my head to the side and look at him. He's pacing around the room, hands brushing through his hair furiously. If he continues at this rate he won't have any hair left and we can't have that can we?
"Harry calm down." I whisper not moving an inch, only following his movements with my eyes. He must have been like this for hours, a small pang of guilt nudging my heart.
My eyes meet his and for a split second he stops and instantly he's sat on the bed next to me.
"I can't Emma. Not until I get this all out."
What more does he need to say?
"I've been beating myself up all day and I'm not trying to make an excuse I'm–"
"I know you're not Harry but if you don't shut up and take a breath I swear I'll slap you and it wouldn't be the first time today so I'm reading to go.."
The slightest smirk crosses his face but it quickly turns to confusion. "Wait... who did you slap?"
"Doesn't matter" I huff as he sits down on the edge of the bed.
"Oh come on babe, this is awesome."
"I slapped Jessica" I blurt out not able to take his pride in me any longer, he needs to be pulled down a peg.
"What!?" I don't want to hear the shock and concern in his voice but I cut him off before he can make his situation a whole lot worse.
"You better be very careful with how you respond, Harry I swear to god!" He immediately clams up.
Oh boy.
I sigh through the silence. Jessica's admission running through my mind.
Should I tell him everything even though I can barely look at him without my heart tightening.
No I need to ask mum about everything first. I know I never wanted to know about what happened which might seem a naive move but I was so young back then. Those reasons don't matter now. I'm older and I need to know. I can't stand that someone knows more about my life than I do.
The fact that it's Jessica makes it a whole lot worse.
He leans forward and runs his fingers through my hair and I flinch. "Fuck I'm sorry."
The shock and pain in his voice is almost too much for me to handle, I have to look away.
"What are you thinking love, you were miles away."
I want to hold him, for him to hold me, seek comfort in his strong warm arms but I can't push my feelings to the side to make him feel better anymore. Especially not when I'm crumbling at all corners because of what Jessica knows.
I feel so vulnerable.
"I never meant to hurt you." He whispers. "I wish I could say I would have told you everything. I'd like to hope that if this morning hadn't gone the way it did I would have told you everything but given my track record it you probably don't believe that. You'd be right. I know that's horrible but my biggest fear is losing you so please just let me make this better."
"Harry please stop–" I roll away from him and stare at the ceiling.
"Can't do that Em, what we have is too important to me." Moving over so he's hovering over me. "I know things have been rocky between us the past few days and it's entirely my fault, I know that but we love each other and–" I gasp and sit up.
Of course he's using this situation to stir this all up again.
"I won't lose you over some stupid mistake." He pleads with me. "Love, we're–"
"Harry please don't push me" really trying to remain calm as I sit on the edge of the bed, furiously rubbing my palms along my thighs to release some of the tension that's building up.
I really don't want to blow up at him again.
"I'm not, I'm just saying that I love you–"
I can't help but stand up from the bed and snap at him.
"Don't you dare think that you are going to push me into telling you 'I love you' Harry. I won't do it for the wrong reasons."
And yelling it at him in the middle of a fight just doesn't seem right, we deserve more than that.
"Love I'm not pushing you," sounding desperate but determined, fucking deadly combination.
"I just want you to know how I feel. I get that you're not ready."
"Do you?" I ask as I pace around like he just was just.
Harry might not be pushing but it sure as hell feels like it. Now if it's my emotions keeping me from seeing that or not who knows.
For most of our relationship I've felt the pull from him. He needs so much emotionally and I doubt I'll ever be enough for him even if I tell him what happened all those years ago as well as telling him I love him...don't think it will ever be enough for us to last.
"I don't think you do because we always seem to end up right here Harry. I know I'm stubborn and I'm taking forever but you don't understand." I rub my forehead as I lean my back against the wall, suddenly not feeling strong enough to stand up without some support, my breathing nearly too rapid and shallow to control.
Please don't let this be happening right now.
Slowly he stands before me but I don't look up at him, I don't need to I can already feel his eyes on me. He doesn't touch me but after a few moments I watch him pull out my inhaler from his pocket and it feels like the sweetest thing he could have ever done in this moment.
"Here Em" he says taking my hand and placing the device in my hand. "It's gonna be alright."
I bring it up to my lips and nod at him. I might have my reservations but at least in the short run we can make this work.
"Please help me understand Emma" he begs me taking my cold hands into his warm ones and I look up at him. Can't help but relax at the contact and his close proximity.
I let him move me over to the bed and sit me down. For a moment I look deep into his green eyes. He's perched himself on the edge of my desk and with his tall frame he can lean down to my eye level.
Tentatively he takes my trembling hands into his, his fingers tangle with mine reassuringly. It's impossible to resist the deep emotional pull that such a sweet sign of affection provides.
Looking at our situation on the outside I really feel for him. If I was a normal girl and trailing him along like I have been I'd be so sad for him. But I'm not normal and I'm not ready. I do however know he needs something or I'll just keep pushing him right in Jessica's direction.
"I can't, not now."
He pulls at my hands slightly "Em please, I don't deserve it but I think I can help if..."
"I know you think that Harry and I'm trying to believe you, I really am but it's hard. Once you know" tears beging to well up and I swallow hard to hold them back.
"I just... I hope you understand why when I do tell you everything."
"So it's a 'when' and not an 'if' then?" He smiles back at me gripping onto my hands a little tighter.
I nod but I swear that damn smile of his almost has me revealing everything to him.
But I don't. I need to have all the facts, plan out how I tell him so that even if my whole body is shaking my brain is clear enough and prepared enough to get it all out in a way that he will really understand.
Plus I'm still pissed at him right now, doesn't deserve it...
Then again he's been so patient, so gentle, and although this whole Jessica thing still looms over us I know she doesn't mean anything to him. By the way she's pushing he has had endless opportunities to end up in her bed and he hasn't.
God my mind is a mess.
He needs a little something extra from me and I think I have just the thing. I've been thinking about it for a little while now and if you asked me this morning I probably wouldn't be asking but now?
Harry's right, what we have is too special to just throw away. We need something at least a little something anyway.
It's time to man up and take the leap.
"Look Harry. I know you want to move forward and while you're miles ahead of me with all the relationship stuff I was thinking a..." I falter incredibly nervous. "Well maybe a good step for us to take would be to spend New Year's together," treading lightly with my words as I feel I'm about to keel over.
I can't look at him, I feel too humiliated even with his smile radiating through the room. I just stare at our hands. "...in Ireland, with ... my ... family..."
This is humiliating, how unsure I'm acting. I'm pretty certain of his answer, this is Harry after all. He's made a few mistakes but he's still the same person, he's gonna love this.
He leans in for a kiss but I stop him. "But just know that this doesn't mean I completely forgive you alright." I blurt out rapidly, a stark contrast to my slow pace just a moment ago. "We're okay, you and I, but it's gonna take a little more than a heartfelt speech to get us past this."
"Okay" he says brushing my hair out of my face.
With the biggest smile ever, those dimples piercing his cheeks, he leans forward. "Can I kiss you now?"
I pull back trying to suppress my own smile. "Hmmmmm, not sure about that."
"Sure babe" and without another word he brushes his lips against mine. They're so soft and welcoming, I can't help but lean into him.
Shit his power over me.
As I sigh into the kiss he takes the opportunity to slip his tongue between my lips. He holds my cheeks and tilts my head to gain deeper access. He's such a damn good kisser a few moments connected like this and my mind's a blur.
Slowly he pushes me back onto the mattress and rests his weight on me, getting comfortable between my legs.
I wrap my arms around his neck. I know I shouldn't be giving in so easily, I'm pretty sure I've made it clear that things aren't completely bright and peachy between us but he's still my safe haven and I can't deny that he's the only person who can make me feel this good after such a shitty few hours.
Far too soon he pulls back and trails his fingertips against my lips.
"But Em, this isn't all on me. I don't want to forever be the prick who pushed his best friend. You know all I want is to be there for you baby. You're my girl, so precious to me. I'd do just about anything for you. You know that right?"
I know where is going to take this but I wish he wouldn't.
I loosen my hold as he continues. "Holding back from me is getting harder and harder for you, I can see in your eyes. I just want you to know that without a shadow of a doubt I'm here for you. Whatever you have to tell me it won't push me away or scare me into running. I love you, end of."
Slowly his words seep right through to my heart and their sweetness,l have a crazy deep effect on me.
"I meant what I said. I'll wait, gladly. I'll keep waiting until–"
I can't let him continue so I pull him down to me and kiss him. The feel of him on top of me is impeccable. He slinks his arm around my waist and lifts me up to him before pushing me back down with his hips. Fuck he's so hard that I moan at the small assault.
I don't know how I'm going to last a few weeks without him over the holidays but a little space is what I need. It's not that I don't want to be with him, actually I want the exact opposite but I need time to take a breath, time to wrap my head around everything that's happened. Still gonna be hard being away from him though.
Addressing my unspoken concern he separates our lips. "Spend christmas with me." His forehead firmly pressed against mine with his eyes closed.
He looks so desperate, so determined to make this all okay. "Please Emma, stay with me."
"Harry I just said I'm going home for the holidays, you know that."
"Then let me come with you, spend the whole month together" Pulling back and looking down at me. I'm shocked by his words but the boyish hope all over his face has me considering his offer.
Could I really bring him home to 'meet the family'? It sounds so normal and I'm anything but that.
No doubt my mother would love it. Ever since I let it slip that he and I were in a relationship every few days she's texting me, hounding me about how we are.
I don't know how I want to answer but I'm cut short by his phone going off, the subtle vibration hitting high on my thigh as his phone is in his front pocket.
"Is that a surprise for me or" I tease as he pulls out his phone. Harry's face immediately falls, rejecting the call.
I know exactly who it is.
Seriously?
"Em I never–" I push him away gently and sit up against my headboard knowing that if I let him get going with what he feels like he needs to say I'll never get him to stop.
"Look Harry if you want her in your life I...I don't know where that leaves us. I'm only human and she–" my heart's racing like no other I as I try to get this out.
It's too much, he says he loves me but how can I be so sure when she keeps calling him.
"Em come on..."
"Just wait Harry," I plead placing my hand on his chest, "I don't want to give you an ultimatum but if you want Jessica in your life, in whatever way, you can't have me, I'm sorry."
"Em you don't have to" he begs coming to kneel in front of me and cupping my face. "She means nothing, I swear on my mum's life."
His stare is so fierce, like if he held is like this long enough it would be strong enough to make this all okay again. Frantically he pulls out his phone once and blocks her number. It's a kind gesture but it won't stop her. It's only been a little while since I threatened Jessica and here she is calling him?
This is ridiculous.
"There" focusing back on me.
Harry ends up so close his nose nudges mine, can't help but release a giggle. "I'm just sorry I didn't do this before."
I smile at him and before I realize he's pulling me to straddle his lap grasping at my behind, giving it a slight squeeze. I gasp at his action and playfully slap his cheek.
"You're insatiable Styles" pushing him.
"You wouldn't want me any other way though right?"
I sigh and nod "but don't think that my desire for you right now means you're off the hook Styles. It'll take a lot more than a passionate quickie to make me completely forgive you.
"Duly noted" giving me an overly enthusiastic nod before he crashes his lips to mine but all too soon he's pulling back with a very cheeky smirk on his lips. "So? Christmas?"
___
A/N: Hope you like the chapter. Sorry if there are a bunch of errors, I had to edit it on my phone but can't complain, I'm on the beach : )
Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving if you celebrated and have a great weekend.
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All the love, C.