Your fingertips brushed against
mine as you helped me off of the ground.
A shake went through your eyes, I can see it.
Something has changed. Everything has changed.
I scrambled to say something, but I couldn't.
My fingers fumbled with one another as I
tried to sign you all of the words brewing
inside of my soul.
With your confusion growing deeper,
I gave up and pulled out a paper
from my wrinkled up pockets.
Pulling out a small, broken pencil,
I began to write all of my feelings
packed into three words:
Are you okay?
You stared at the paper for a long
time, silent.
You began to shake your head as
your knees gave out and you fell against
the blanket of snow.
You whispered, "No, no, I'm not okay. I'm far
from being okay."
I wrapped my arms around you,
your tiny frame being pressed
against my large canvas.
"Why am I so hard to understand? When
my parents, my own parents, cannot even
understand themselves? When they are lost in
their own thoughts, in their own mind. Why
can't I understand myself?" You sobbed
as you yanked off the scarf hugging your
throat.
"I'm so worthless that they
proved it to me. Look."
All of the darker, uglier, horrible
shades of blue coated your neck.
Suffocating purple, dark painful blue,
hatred, disgust.
Bruises lined up on your collarbones, your
dead collarbones with all of the dead innocence
and purity you once had.
"They choked me, saying that I should
be dead. That I was a mistake. That I
can't do anything right, absolutely anything."
My hands wrapped around
your waist, pulling you
closer to me. I rubbed my thumb
against your cheek, wiping
away your tears of shame.
"Goddammit, Charlie, why
am I such a waste of space?
Why can't I just disappear into
six feet under so no one
will have to deal with the burden
of taking care of me? Loving me?"
My fingers quickly brushed
against your collarbones, silently
tapping them gently as an idea
hit my mind.
Getting off of the ground, I quickly
collected all of the dead leaves
and tiny flowers off of trees and
bushes. And on the snow, in
a circle around you, the words
formed and a sentence was born
out of an untamed, barbaric
scream of hopeless dreams.
you are my sun, my moon,
my sky, and all of the stars
scattered in the universe.
She smiled softly, but this
time it was different. Her face
smiled and so did her eyes.
"Merry Christmas, Charlie."