Emma
"Louis are you sure I look alright?" I ask, as we sit in the back of a cab, stuck in traffic.
I had no idea what to wear to a funeral service. I mean I know you wear black, I'm not that daft, but today is also the first time I'm possibly seeing Harry's family, well that's if he still want's that sort of thing. I'm still holding onto that small possibility that I'm his girlfriend, god I hope I am, and although they knew me growing up, I still need to make a half decent impression.
Of course I don't know if I even have a fair chance with them anymore if Harry told them about what happened. Either way, I still care what they think of me.
It's so unlike me but I'm so worried I look completely wrong and the way my luck has been going recently I need every fair chance I can get.
Oh god, do I sound selfish.
I didn't have a suitable black dress to the occasion so I just tossed on my skinny black pants, some black heels, that I stole from Lina, a dark grey blouse, and a black coat.
It's not formal enough, is it? Oh god. I shouldn't be doing this at all.
"Why do girls ask that?" Louis pipes up, not looking up at me, as he furiously types on his phone. "We're in a cabbie, nearly at the church, we can't do anything about it now."
I guess he's had to deal with this sort of thing a lot with all his sisters and I feel for him. If they're anything like Lina I get his frustration wholeheartedly. But that doesn't mean his little comment isn't really pissing me off right now.
"Really Louis?" I snap.
"What?" He looks at me all innocent, completely unaware as to why I'm annoyed. I just huff in response.
If you didn't notice, I'm unbearably nervous.
All I need to do is keep telling myself that I can do this.
I'm here for Harry. I'll just deal with my nerves later. All I want is to see him, be there for him if he wants and if he rejects me–no not the time to think about that, you're here for him, however he reacts.
"Emma we're here..." Louis says already standing on the street.
"Late" I mutter under my breathe as I step out of the car.
Look, I know I'm acting like a right bitch at the moment and Louis doesn't deserve it but my shot nerves are getting the best of me today.
After all I can only hold so much of myself together, some things are bound to slip.
As we enter the first room of the church my heart rate skyrockets and I need to try extra hard to actually breath normally.
Louis asks if I wanna sit with him and his family but I decline, letting him step in before me, glued to my spot on the other side of the door as it closes with a deep thud.
Can I really do this? You can still leave it you want to.
I try to stop them but can't help the thoughts that hurl through my head...
He doesn't want you here.
You're over.
Harry doesn't want to try anymore.
My breath is heavy in my chest and my whole body is shaking nervously as I lean against the wall for some much needed support.
This was a stupid idea.
Thankfully there is a small, very small, part of myself that isn't ready to completely shut down and melt through the floor. It pushes me off the wall and takes hold of the old door knob and opens the door to the main chapel.
The minister is already speaking as I peek through. Oh shit. There are a lot more people here than I had imagined.
Taking a step forward I immediately stop, the sound of my heel's echo filling the room. Oh god, I shouldn't have worn these freakin' shoes.
No one seems to have noticed.
Slowly I move further down the center aisle and scan the large cold room for any glimpse of him but I'm shivering too much to see straight. With every single one of my nerve endings on edge I can't seem to concentrate enough to survey and walk at the same time.
Somehow I make it to an empty row near the back and take a seat, thankful that I've sat down before I keeled over.
The last thing I need is to make a spectacle of myself being the one who fainted in the middle of a service.
Once I'm settled and focused, I start looking.
Like a magnet I can already feel his presence in the room. He's the energy source that I'm constantly drawn to, all my senses attuned to his, filling me to the brim until I can't take anymore and even then I crave more.
I've never wanted him and dreaded seeing him all in the same moment. It makes me sick to my stomach, the uncertainty.
I see him.
He's in the front row next to his mum. His hair's cut short now but it's definitely him, I'd know the back of his head anywhere.
It feels like my heart is in my throat as I lean back against the hard wood behind me, my mind battling with itself...do I want him to turn around or should I remain unseen?
I'm not even paying attention to what's being said in all honesty, I can only stare at the little curls that rest on the base of his neck. It looks great, it really does. Who know's why he cut it, probably an emotional reaction knowing him.
As the moment's pass I continue to stare at his dark brown curls and broad shoulders, slowly losing the conviction to push the negative thoughts out of my mind.
I miss him, he's right there and I miss him but after the other night? This sucks. Mentally I'm fighting so hard to keep myself together, to push his words out of my mind and be strong and here for him but what's the point?
And then I let go and it all flows in.
One by one, unable to keep any of it–his words, his face, his emotions, his anger and blame–out and then it hits me. The one fact that I hadn't allowed myself to even think of since the moment he stormed out of my bedroom settles in and refuses to dissipate...he doesn't need me here.
What was I thinking?
Just because I barely have a family to lean on in moments of crisis doesn't mean he doesn't.
Who was I kidding thinking I was the one he needed to get him through this?
He has an entire family here. Countless friends...
They'll get through this together.
The last person he needs right now is little old emotionally detached me.
I need to get out of here.
I'm just about ready to bolt out of the church when, like a sudden jolt of electricity to my system, I hear the minister call Harry up to say a few words and I'm rendered immovable.
Slowly he stands, straightening himself as his mum squeezes his hand, and takes the short path to the front podium.
He's visibly hesitant but he's holding himself together very well, pushing through the pain and feeling of loss so gracefully, as only my Harry can.
He's so reserved and graceful, in at the hardest of times.
It might be a funeral but he looks so attractive in his form fitting black suit, shirt done up most of the way, hair smooth and pushed back...so tragically stunning.
He fumbles the few small papers in his hands before he looks down at the casket and then out to the crowd.
Oh god I think I'm about to throw up right on the stone floor.
Somehow I pull myself together, watching his green eyes scan the room.
Right now I don't know if I want him to see me or not. The last thing I want to do is upset him even more and stick myself in the middle where he doesn't want me.
Instinctively I suck my bottom lip between my teeth and bite hard, making myself wince as I close my eyes, hoping beyond hope that this small action will put an invisible cloak around me.
Yeah it's irrational but I feel like I'm having a heart attack right now, I'm not in my right mind at all.
Slowly I open them back up and, with an amount of bravery I didn't know I possessed, I sit up straight, knees uncontrollably bobbing up and down, and look right at him.
He's going through something way more painful than you right now.
Man the fuck up Parker!
Suddenly his eyes lock on mine and I swear all the air leaves my body. Hell it leaves the entire bloody room.
Harry looks shocked to see me but he doesn't give me any other emotion.
Is he happy? Relieved? Angry? Fearful? But he gives me nothing...absolutely nothing.
His jaw goes slack for a moment, as if unsure as to what to do next before he looks down, squeezing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, his rings reflecting the light.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know if his reaction is a good or a bad thing but I'm staying put, a sudden cloud of conviction taking over all my senses.
If he asks me to leave, I will but until he utters the words I'm staying.
Whatever he needs. To yell some more, to cry, to blame me, whatever...I'll be here.
After a moment he calms himself and starts to speak.
Harry's words are beautiful and carefully thought out. It's perfect. Entirely him.
Perfectly Harry.
And through his whole speech he's looking straight at me.
For whatever reason I'm his support, at least I hope that's what his behavior means. I know it's small but I'm proud that I could do that for him.
It's silly but it makes me way too happy that for once I feel like I've been there in a way he's always been there for me.
That's a step in the right direction? I mean that's growth...
When he's said his bit, Harry steps down from the podium, looking completely exhausted and spent.
Should I go up there? Hug him? Hold his hand? I don't know but it feels like I need to do something.
That's why I came here after all.
If the roles were reversed he would know exactly what to do. Harry would know the right things to say and the right way to hold me and...I feel fucking useless.
I should have sat with Louis. He could tell me what to do...Oh who am I kidding? Louis wouldn't know either.
The minister starts to talk again about Harry's nan's life but I don't pay any notice as I watch Harry quietly make his way past his family and into a side room.
I'm sure I should be more present with what's being said but Harry's my everything and he obviously needs someone.
Slowly I stand and tiptoe my way over to where I saw Harry disappear. I feel so silly walking on my toes, you know in that way you do so your heels don't make that annoying and obnoxious clicking noise, but it's necessary.
It's not even that far but it feels like the longest walk of my life.
He's right there, only feet away on the other side of this door and I'm totally scared shitless to face him. It hasn't even been that long since I last saw him but the pain from our last altercation is still very much at the surface and I have no idea what the hell I am walking into here.
At least he won't yell at me again when we're in the middle of a church right? Harry can be angry all he wants, say whatever he needs to say, but at least he can't scream.
Oh shit what if he does? Great another thing that would be my fault in his eyes. Then he'd have two things to blame me for.
Perfect.
It's too late to think of all that now. I'm here and I'm at the door. Now I just need to step inside.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I knock and give him some warning or do I just walk on through?
Not giving myself time to think any longer I decide on the latter.
Slowly I open the door and what I see on the other side is truly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen.
My big, strong, confident Harry is hunched over, eyes cast down as both his hands rub through his short hair and down his face, covering his cheeks for a moment before pushing his fingers through his hair again.
I can't do this, I can't fucking do this. No! Stop! Don't go down that path, this is about him not you.
He still hasn't noticed me, giving me the opportunity to gaze at his figure some more. Harry's once tanned skin is so pale, so ghostly pale, like he hasn't slept or eaten for days. He probably hasn't.
His chest is heaving up and down with very deep breath he tries to take, obviously trying to hold himself together, keep himself from breaking down.
The image rips right through me.
Softly I close the door behind me and gently clear my throat.
Instantly his head snaps up and looks right at me. His eyes are all puffy and swollen, the epitome of grief.
What to do now? God I should have planned out something to say before I just walked in here.
Harry lets his arms fall flat against his sides, the slap on his thighs overpowering the silence, his expression unreadable.
Please give me something, Harry.
I swallow hard, pulling on the sleeve of my coat.
This was wrong.
I've done the wrong thing.
What the hell was I thinking?
I'm not the 'think on your feet' kinda person. I should have prepared a little speech or phrase or a fucking noise at the very least...
Tentatively I take a step toward him, not meaning to be slow and dramatic but that's about all I can manage right now. None of it doesn't matter anyway compared to how he reacts.
Before I can register his movements he's right in front of me, burying his head into the space where my shoulder meets my neck, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist, holding me firmly against him.
Suddenly I can breath again.
I cradle his head against me, one hand gently stroking his short curls as my other hand rubs up and down his back, as Harry completely lets go. God know's he's let me break down to him in the past, it's the least I can do.
It's the only thing I can do.
"I'm here Harry, I'm here." I coo into his ear.
He just holds onto me tighter in response, as his whole frame shudders against mine.
"It's okay baby. You'll be okay." I whisper.
What else can you say? Hell if I know.
"It hurts Em." He quietly sobs into my skin, nuzzling into my collarbone deeper. "S...so fucking hard" he stutters.
His whole body vibrates against mine as he continues to sob into my shoulder. Tears brim my eyelids but I hold them back.
I rest my cheek on his head, trying to show him in anyway possible that I'm right here, not going anywhere. Don't know if he gets it, I can only hope he does.
Gently I let my fingers tangle in his hair, massaging his scalp, cradling his head in my small hands. He's pure emotion.
Earth-shattering, all consuming emotion.
"I'm right here Harry." I press my lips to the top of his head, the contact sending ripples down my spin.
He's in my arms again, that's all that matters.
Suddenly the singing in the main chapel pulls me back to reality.
"Harry? Do you wanna go back out there?" I ask, knowing that he'll regret it if he missed the rest of the service.
He doesn't move though as another sob quietly takes over his entire being.
I grab one of his hands from where it's pressed against my back and hold it in mine, pulling it away only to bring it up to my lips.
"Come on babe" I whisper as he pulls back wiping his eyes with his free hand.
Harry doesn't look at me. But instead of letting my brain run off to the obvious conclusion, which is so difficult for me not to, I have no bloody idea where we stand after all, I cup his cheek and tilt his head up until his eyes meet mine.
Soon enough they do while I brush my thumb over his cheeks, catching the tears as they continue to fall along his chiseled cheekbone.
The state he's in would make anyone cry but I hold myself together. I know if I start Harry would try to comfort me and although he would probably benefit from the distraction, it's not the time.
No matter what the state of our relationship is after everything that's happened, I'm here for him in this exact moment. Not the other way around.
"Your top's all damp." He utters quietly, breaking our direct eye contact and looking down where his head once was.
I have to stop the shiver from wracking my body as his fingers touch the damp fabric against my collarbone but the goosebumps...I can't control them and I swear I see a flash of an almost half smile cross his lips.
"I'm not bothered."
And without another word he nod his head, squeezes my hand, and leads us out.
Suddenly it occurs to me that I'm going to be sitting with his family, people I haven't seen in years.
Thankfully we're sitting down before I have time to let my nerves get the better of me.
No one really takes notice of our sudden arrival. Well apart from his mum, who gives him a soft smile. She looks exactly as I remember her and it warms my heart.
At least some things don't change.
It may have been years but they where my family once upon a time and by the way Harry's clutching my hand, I can't help but think that they might be again...
One day I guess, just need to open myself up to it.
___
A/N: Sorry, I really tried to get it done yesterday but I really wanted to get it right. Plus I got so emotional writing it. Gosh my heart was beating so fast as I wrote yesterday you'd think I was going through all these emotions.
Yeah, I get waaaaaay too into the writing and their lives.
Anyway I hope you enjoy the chapter. I absolutely LOVED all the comments on the last chapter, thanks you all so much. They made my day!
(And can we just appreciate how gooooood he looked at the AnOther Man party a few weeks ago? He's too attractive not that I'm complaining but still.)
There is a lot more coming for these two. Things seem to be alright now but what happens when they are in private?
I'm working on the next chapter now but I don't think it will be ready tonight or tomorrow. Definitely by the end of the week but I'll keep you updated.
VOTE + COMMENT.
You guys are the best and I appreciate you all dearly!
All the love, C.