I know, I shouldn't have asked him that question but I had to.
Now that I am not only Amanda but also Martha... I guess I just don't know what or who I am to myself.
On one hand I am Amanda Black but then I also have memories from my past life. I accept that part of me but I don't feel like I am Martha. I am Amanda Black. I somehow feel like I can't identify myself with both of them at the same time. After all Martha lived a few hundred years ago.
But the worst part is not that I myself am confused but that I am scared that he just sees me as Martha.
"Why are you asking me something like that?" He asks and frowns at me.
"I-I don't know, never mind." I brush it off.
I guess it really just was a bad-
"You are the person that I love." He replies with a smile. "You are my mate and no matter what name others call you or what body you live in, Amanda, you will be the one person that I love, the one person that was made to be with me and the person I was made to be with."
I smile to myself and stare at my lap. He grabs the hand resting on my lap and puts it into his own hand.
"Why are you even asking questions like that?"
"I-I was just worried that-"
He kisses my hand and smiles at me again. "Don't worry about anything. You are with me and I am with you. Everything is perfectly fine."
"No it's not." I breathe out and shake my head. I look over to him and see his worried expression. "Everything is more than just fine." I reply with a smile.
He chuckles before he agrees. "Yeah, you're right."
I guess after all that has happened... It all was worth it. I would do it a hundred times if I had to just in order to be with him again.
It's not that he said he is my mate, it's the way he cares for me. He understands me and I can talk to him. He is the only friend I have and I am the only friend he has.
That means except for Redshed and Victoria but we both know that those creatures are no friends.
I guess I could've counted Lu as a friend... And Marry. Too bad they both had to die.
The worst part of that is that both deaths are my fault. Marry died because of the man that was after me and Lu died because I wasn't able to go after him and stop John.
I guess after all I wasn't mad at John but at myself.
"Almost there." He informs me and I smile back.
Short time after, we come to an halt and get out of the car.
"Are you alright, my love?" He asks me with a worried expression.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit tired or something... why are you asking?"
"You looked sad- It's because of Ludwig." He states. "I'm so sorry, I know I shouldn't have-"
I rest my head on his chest and sigh. "Don't." I whisper. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. I overreacted and hurt you. Not because I was mad at you but because I was and still am mad at myself." I look at him again. "I wasn't able to do anything, I couldn't move. I wasn't able to protect my friend even if I am a powerful who knows what.
I never was the person who would just stand there if something happens. I was always able to react but not this time. This time I had no control over my own damn body and just drifted away. I found myself lying on the floor when he died and I knew it was my fault.
I guess he even wanted to die. He even told me that he is going crazy without being with his mate and the fact that he didn't tell you about Sarah proves it.
He did want to die but as his friend I should have stopped him and yet I couldn't and yet I didn't. So don't tell me you are sorry because there isn't much to apologize for."
I watch as his expression changes from worry to anger and look down again. "Amanda, look at me." I look up again. "Stop blaming yourself for everything that happens. Guess what? I was the one with the stake, I killed my own damn brother. It was me, so this is my fault and not yours.
And like you said it yourself, he wanted to die. When you told me about Sarah I didn't know what to do. I know what it feels like to loose a mate and that I was the reason for my brother to loose his mate makes me crazy. If he would've told me, I wouldn't have killed him, no matter how mad I was and still am that he didn't just tried to kill me but also that he got you killed instead.
My point is that you should stop putting yourself down and shit like that. I love you and I care for you and I won't let you blame yourself for something you had no control over. I was the one with the stake and not you so I am the one to blame."
"Fine." I say. "I will try not to blame myself for Ludwig's death but only under one condition."
"That is?"
"You will stop blaming yourself too." He looks at me in surprise and I smile back. "I know you have a point when you say it is not my fault but I always tend to search the blame in me. I don't want you to do the same so I want you to agree with the fact that it wasn't your fault either. He didn't tell you so I guess he wanted to die."
"Fine." He sighs. "But if I catch you blaming yourself when there is no reason to do that, I will have to punish you." He says with a wink.
I laugh before replying. "Well the same goes for you then."
He wraps his arm around my waist and we continue to walk until we find a group of people. Redshed and his wolves, I guess.
"Johnathan." He greets John with a wide smile and one of those man hug thing things. "Oh and you must be that beautiful lady who was searching for some help."
"Yes." I reply and offer him a hand to shake but instead he grabs it and places a kiss on top.
"Pleased to meet you, Amanda."
"Nice to meet you too, Christopher."
"Now, wolf, lead us to them." He demands and one of them steps to the front.
My eyes widen when I see him.
I fall to the ground and before I open my eyes, another punch hits my stomach and I let out a scream.
They keep kicking me and laughing at me for a while before they leave for class.
But before Lucas and Victoria leave, Lucas comes closer. "Fucking slut." He says before spitting in my face.
He bows down and looks up again. His eyes widen too before he greets me. "Nice to meet you, my name is Lucas."
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Hey:)
So this chapter is a bit longer again.
I hope you like it:)
Love, kisses and hugs,
Yours Mel<3