57. When The Truth Is Scarier
“Okay, so what about you and LaCienega?”
Chase did a small facepalm as he released an inaudible groan. How could Jace be so thick? It was obviously a serious matter, and the way the conversation had led up to it was more than evident that Chase had committed a sin towards him. Yet, Jace’s voice was as chirpy as a kindergarten teacher, as if somewhere in his mind he thought that Chase and LaCienega were planning a party of some kind and that was what it was all ‘about.’
He didn’t know how to explain it, and when Jace’s smiling, attentive expression got to be too much, Chase lowered his gaze to the grass on the creek-side. “Do you remember that one night?” He started, without thinking how to articulate his words or polishing it to make it sound more refined. “Like a month ago? It was LaCienega’s birthday, ya?”
Jace gave him a nod when Chase looked up, but despite his intelligence, remained oblivious to where the conversation was headed like some kind of bobble-head on a dashboard just nodding for the sake of nodding. “You’re talking about the night I couldn’t spend her birthday with her correct? Ah… that wasn’t a pleasant night for her I gather, but…” He turned to Chase and gave him an affectionate pat on the shoulder, followed by a soft squeeze. “I’m glad you were there for her, Chase. I really appreciate what you did that night.”
“You shouldn’t. No, don’t look at me like that. I mean you really shouldn’t. Me going over there that night… that was a bad choice Jace and a big mistake. I… We… I screwed up. I didn’t go over there that night and do any of the things you meant for me to do, to celebrate with her, to take her out for dinner, none of that. She was drunk, and I was… I don’t know, out of my mind and I had no idea what I was doing, but I took her into your room, and I fucked her there. And I… even after, fuck I don’t know.” Chase buried his face into his hands but the sinking feeling like he was slowly drowning himself didn’t leave him. “Even after… Even after Jace, a part of me badly wished that I could, somehow, persuade her to leave you. I’m sorry Jace. Fuck. I’m such a bastard.”
Having used all of his courage admitting to his crime, Chase didn’t have any left to summon the strength to look into Jace’s eyes. He couldn’t even raise his head and kept his own face buried into his palms, listening to the surrounding as if it would give away Jace’s feelings.
There was nothing. Jace was silent, and all Chase could hear was the soft rush of the creek’s current and the cornfields in the distance swaying and rubbing against each other due to the wind’s breeze. Unlike the feeling he thought he would receive, Chase felt ten times heavier than he did before he told the truth. It was as if he was playing a game on his PlayStation, but because of his arrogance, didn’t bother to save during the last saving point and now he was screwed. He had no way of knowing if it was the correct choice to tell Jace and if it wasn’t, if telling him this would destroy their lifelong friendship, Chase had no way of starting over from a previous point.
When at long last the realization had sunk in and Jace gave a reaction, it wasn’t a punch that sailed through the air, or a long chain of angry cusses like Chase had expected. The response came in the form of a long exasperated sigh before Jace made a comment. “Well at least you told me.”
“You’re not mad?” Chase blurted, finally looking up to see if Jace’s expression matched the calm composure presented in his voice. “Holding it in isn’t good for you man. I know I messed up and I– ”
“If you’re going to say you want to make it up to me somehow, no thank you.” There was a smile tugging at his lips now, and when he couldn’t restrain it, Jace shook his head and let out a small chuckle. “Has it been eating you up inside for the past month?”
“How could it not? I’m not that… I’m not that evil of a human being.”
“Well then that’s punishment enough for not confiding in me earlier.” He smiled sadly before lowering his eyes and making some pokes and jerks at the grass. “As for what happened with LaCienega, don’t worry yourself over it. It’s my fault.”
“What are you– ”
“I mean it in every manner Chase. It’s my fault. I know your personality more than you give me credit for. If you had seen me with LaCienega and seen how in love I am with her, and if I had given her as much affection as she had given me, and you had seen how much happiness being with her gave me, I know that even if it killed you, you wouldn’t have touched her. Isn’t that right?”
“Well…”
“But the problem is that I didn’t. I hardly spent any time with her and you felt like it was unfair, that I wronged you, that you could replace me and make her happier than she was ever with me, and that was why you went ahead and did the things you did. Isn’t that right?”
Weakly, Chase shrugged and scratched the side of his head in uncertainty. “I think you think more highly of me than you really should.”
“I think I know you better than you do yourself,” he mused. “Anyhow, don’t worry yourself too much over it. LaCienega… she… I don’t love her. I never have. And I… I don’t think I ever can.”
The way the conversation had drifted gave Chase a complete start. “What?” He shouted, grabbing Jace’s arm as if worried he might run off and avoid telling him the whole situation. “What do you mean you don’t love her?”
“Why does that surprise you? You must have figured that out by now, haven’t you?”
“Well I…” He shook his head to clear his thoughts before tightening his grip on Jace. “Wait. Wait. But you’re saying you’ve never loved her! Jace! For God’s sake, you’re going to marry this girl and tell me in the years we’ve been apart that you haven’t changed! You’re not the kind of guy that marries a girl for the hell of it and worry about divorce later. Marriage is… it’s a lifetime deal.”
Jace’s shoulder felt immensely weak under his pressure and half afraid his poor friend was going to crumble into dust beneath his strength, Chase released him.
“I know,” Jace sighed. “You don’t have to worry about it Chase. My resolve has been decided years ago. I’ll marry LaCienega. And I will… I will spend the rest of my life with her.”
“That’s… messed up.”
Smiling faintly, Jace stood up to stretch his arms before doing the same with his body, moving it first left and then right as if he was also blowing through the wind like the cornstalks. “Today is a good day Chase. I think our friendship might have advanced somewhat.”
Chase rolled his eyes, feeling somewhat distressed by their entire episode and not enjoying the pleasantry of Jace’s laughter as he chuckled about himself. “It’s nothing to laugh about.”
“You should have seen how serious and guilty you looked when you told me what happened, though, just for the record Chase, if I had really loved her… I wouldn’t have reacted in that manner.”
“I know.”
“So you were lucky.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“But as long as we’re in the middle of this truthful confession endeavour, there’s something else I feel I must disclose to you; it’s not like I’ve been exactly wholesome either.” Turning to him, the smile on Jace’s face faded and his gaze stared with grim intensity into Chase’s eyes. “It’s about Krislynn. I think... I might be falling for her.”
The shocked “what” that came out of Chase’s mouth was so forceful that its loudness was a pitch too high for human ears and all that intercepted into the surrounding noises was penetrating silence. Before he had a chance to gather himself from the stir in his heart, Jace shook his head and gesture him to stay still.
“But don’t worry about that either,” he said gently. “I do really like her, but it’s not something you need to worry about. Like I said, my rightful place is beside LaCienega.” And with such a painful expression, his voice trembled out, “and that won’t ever change.”