And you say we're too young,
But maybe you're too old to remember
And I try to pretend but I just feel it when we're together
And if you don't believe me, you never really knew us
You never really knew
Who's to say we won't stay together?
Who's to say we aren't getting stronger?
Who's to say I can't live without you?
Vanessa Carlton – Who's To Say?
The restroom of the plane was tiny; there was a toilet, a sink and barely any leg room for one person let alone two. The door was locked and Tim was standing right in front of me, hands on my hips, smoothing over my ass as his lips descended on mine almost feverishly. We were both hot, and God I'd wanted him the moment I'd stepped onto this plane. Five long weeks had driven me almost insane.
We were pressed up against each other, my lower back slamming against the sink as my tongue slipped into his mouth, teasing and tasting him, my hand massaging his cock through his jeans until it was fully erect.
"Did you wear a skirt for me?" he breathed in my ear, his hand gliding up my thigh and towards my panties.
I arched against him as his fingers found my clit through the moist material of my panties and began to massage it in slow, deliberate circles.
"Hm your wet already." He murmured, pushing my panties aside so he could slip his fingers inside me, his lips were on my throat, sucking the skin there.
My body bucked against him for a second, my breathing ragged as his hand slipped under my shirt, pushing the cup of my bra down so he could toy with my nipple. His fingers were hitting that sweet spot now, and I trying to keep quiet, moaning into his shoulder as he fucked me with his fingers.
The sensation was intense; it tore through me sending shivers up my spine as I panted against him. My hands were on his belt now undoing it and unzipping his jeans. My hand slipped inside of his boxers so I was holding his impressive length in my palm before guiding him towards me.
"Do me, right here, right now." I demanded, pumping him lightly.
He bit his lip, stifling his moan before withdrawing from me entirely, his back against the locked door. His hands were suddenly on my hips, twirling me around so I was facing the sink, my palms resting on the surface as he hitched my skirt up above my waist, his hands sliding up along my ass, cupping it before his fingers caught on the thin waist band of my panties. His fingertips glided them down and along my legs until he reached my heels and I stepped out of them.
His hands were back under my skirt, massaging my cheeks as he whispered in my ear.
"I want you so fucking much." He groaned, rubbing his cock against my moist opening.
My head tipped back, resting against his shoulder as my hands gripped the sink, trying not to moan under his teasing. The tip of him was slipped inside me, I tried to guide him deeper but Tim's hands were on my hips now refusing to let me move. He withdrew before sliding it in again, and then again, giving me a tiny bit of what I craved.
"Stop teasing me." I commanded, through ground teeth.
Tim's grip on my hips was bruising as he thrust into me suddenly. I gasped; biting down so hard on my bottom lip I drew blood. He was plunging into me now, hard and fast, just the way I wanted it. My lower back was tingling already. My knuckles white as I grasped the counter so hard I was afraid I was going to leave marks. I could hear my own breathing ragged and shallow as I pursed my lips together trying to stifle my noise.
Tim's face was buried in my neck, teeth grazing my skin as he fucked me. The tingling had spread even lower, and I could feel my body writing in pleasure as I tried to suppress the noise that I knew was going to erupt out of my mouth.
A rush of pleasure exploded deep inside me, flooding my senses completely until I lost all control, my body arching as Tim's hand enclosed on my mouth lightly, stifling the outburst. I could feel his body quivering as he gave one final thrust into me, before his orgasm completely took over. He bit down hard on my shoulder as he shuddered, his body jerking against me as his hand slipped off my mouth. His forehead was resting on my back as we stood there, locked together panting.
"Your incredible." He whispered, I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, his arm wrapped around my waist, his hand stroking my stomach gently.
"You were pretty damn incredible yourself." I murmured, leaning back against him feeling worn out.
Tim rubbed his cheek against my hair affectionately, before he withdrew himself from me.
I glanced around looking for my panties, but seeing no sign of them.
"Uh oh." I muttered, checking the floor by the toilet and under our feet.
"What's wrong?" Tim asked, glancing up at me sharply as he did up the zipper on his jeans.
"I think you lost my underwear again. I can't seem to find it." I said checking the immediate area again.
"No way, this is a confined space. They can't just disappear." He told me, bending down to see for himself.
My eyes strayed to the gap underneath the door. Tim straightened before following my gaze himself.
"You don't think..." he closed his eyes exhaling.
"That gap is pretty big, and there was a lot movement going on in here." I responded.
"You wanna unlock the door and peek to check?" he murmured.
I narrowed my eyes at him, cheeks flushing red.
"You took them off!" I protested.
"They're your panties." He smirked.
"I hate you." I growled, shifting around him so my hand could settle on the door handle and lock.
My ass was against Tim's pelvis, his hands rested on my hips as he leaned in to my ear.
"You know, it's kind of a turn on knowing you're not wearing any panties." He whispered.
I rolled my eyes.
"You want more air plane sex; you go and get the panties." I told him.
Tim pulled away, leaning back against the sink.
"Yea, I thought so." I mumbled before unlocking the door and opening it a crack.
There were no panties in my line of sight so I opened the door a little wider to find myself face to face with a cranky looking air hostess holding up a pair of lilac sheer panties on the end of a pen.
"Missing something Ma'am?" she asked, poking the pen towards me.
I cringed inwardly, blushing furiously as I reached out and removed the panties from the end of her pen.
"Would you like to inform you boyfriend that it may be time to return to his seat while you put those back on?" she said sternly.
"I'd rather stay here and watch her if you don't mind." Tim called over my shoulder.
I couldn't hide the snigger that erupted from me. The air hostess stood there still, looking utterly unimpressed.
"We'll be right out." I informed her before shutting the door in her shocked face and bursting out laughing.
"You are such a bad person." I told him, grabbing his arm for balance as I tried to put my panties back on.
"You don't date me because I'm nice." He pointed out.
"Hm...I just use you for sex." I purred, rubbing up against him again.
There was a sudden pounding on the door behind us, forcing me to startle and Tim to roll his eyes.
"We'd better get back in our seats before she knocks the door down." He said, taking hold of my hand and undoing the lock again.
The door swung open revealing the harassed looking air hostess, fist in air, ready to pound on the door again. Her face dropped as she saw Tim standing there, his hand clearly clasping mine.
"Excuse me." And with that he darted past her pulling me with him.
"Thanks for finding my panties." I said waving as he tugged me towards our seats.
Kate was snoring. Loud, aggressive, snores that pierced his ears and left him sleep deprived and groggy. The drink had disorientated him, leaving him dizzy and with a severe case of cotton mouth.
He'd lost track of how much booze they'd managed to put away since their arrival in Vegas. He'd hired a suite at The Hilton, a fabulous one complete with hot tub, and a mini bar. The room itself was gorgeous, and the bed, well let's just say he was very impressed with the bed.
Upon their arrival the two of them had stowed their luggage away in their room and decided to do a little exploring, they'd ended up at one of the local casinos. Speedle had won a portion of money at the Craps table, and started a tab at the bar. That's when things got a little fuzzy. He didn't realize how drunk he was until he tried to swipe the key card in the slot and missed the device completely. Kate hadn't been fairing much better. As soon as they stepped of the elevator she'd taken off in completely the wrong direction to their room. He'd practically had to grab her by the collar and guide her back towards it.
As soon s they'd got into the room, they were on each other, their caresses clumsy and buttons fumbled with, but the sex had been worth it. He'd let Kate have complete control this time, and hell, she had rocked his world.
His eye lids were heavy as he tried to open them, his vision blurred as he rolled from his back and onto his side, dropping his head up on his arm so he could look down at the woman sleeping next to him.
Kate was laying flat on her back, head tilted towards him as her hair fanned across her face. One of her arms was strewn above her head while her other rest lightly on her stomach. She was completely naked, a sight that never failed to faze him. The noise she was making at the moment though that had to stop.
He put his finger on the tip of her nose and bopped it several times until she stirred, groaning under his assault. She scrunched her eyes up and waved her hand in front of her face trying to stop him from doing it. He chuckled at her attempts to thwart him before she grabbed his wrist tightly in her small hand. Kate turned on her side, pulling his hand to a rest on her chest so she had her back to him, his arm wrapped around her body.
"More sleep, no more nose touching." She told him off sleepily, as she shuffled backwards so her back was pressed against his bare chest.
Speedle removed his hand from her grip. His finger tips trailed from her shoulder along her arm and then back up again, as he bent his head, lips brushing her slender throat.
"If you stop snoring I'll stop touching your nose." He whispered into her ear, as his hand came to rest on her stomach, tracing patterns on her soft skin.
"That's coming from the guy who spent the whole night muttering." Kate mumbled in her half lucid state.
Tim frowned, his lips still pressed against her skin.
"What was I talking about?" he asked quietly.
"Everyone and everything by the sound of it..." she paused before rolling on to her back, her emerald green eyes flickering open.
"It was Marty again wasn't it?" he murmured, burying his face in her shoulder.
Her fingers raked through his hair, as her lips brushed his temple, soothing.
"It's always Marty this time of year." She murmured as his cheek rubbed against hers.
Tim sighed as he let his arms wrapped around Kate's body and pulled her closer, so she was underneath him. Her scent invaded his nostrils and he remembered what it felt like to be back at home. She was home for him, wherever she was he would be. His head was on her chest, listening to her steady heartbeat as her fingers toyed with his thick, dark curls.
"Go back to sleep Tim." She said quietly, kissing his forehead.
For the first time since she'd come back Tim Speedle let Kate Callahan chase away the ghost that plagued his dreams.
The breakfast buffet was wonderful, the hotel catered for everyone by laying out a huge spread full of every breakfast food you could imagine. Cereals, croissants, toast, eggs, bacon, pancakes, the works. I was completely in my element. Tim was sitting across from me, sipping a glass of fresh O.J as I wolfed down the bacon and scrambled eggs, before taking a bite of toast. Tim raised an eyebrow as he lowered the paper.
"All that exercise gave you an appetite." He smirked, before spreading it out on the table.
"It's what happens when I found myself being woken up by your merciless teasing. Not that I'm complaining, your tongue is one of your finer assets." I teased, before taking a bite out of my toasted bagel.
"I'm glad you approve." He returned, as I took a gulp of coffee.
I was feeling particularly sluggish this morning. The alcohol from the night before was still weighing heavily on me, making me feel tired and worn down.
"Actually I wanna talk to you about something." Tim stated, as I ate more of the bagel.
"Fire away." I said, taking another gulp of coffee.
"We have four days off." Tim reminded me.
I nodded listening patiently. That's all the time we'd managed to get off together, which was completely understandable since it left Horatio two CSI's down for almost a week.
"Would you mind if we go visit Marty?"
Tim turned his head away as I raised my eyes to read his expression. He hadn't mentioned Marty since I'd come back to Miami, not that that was expected of course. Marty was a tough topic. When Tim and I had previously been together, we'd made the trip to Syracuse twice, each time returning back home the same day. Visiting Marty always created the opportunity of Tim finally making up with his parents, but over the last eight years, he'd never taken that step. He simply refused too. I guess I understood that on some level, his parents had done a terrible thing. Disowning their son at his time of need was cruel of them, and in Tim's eyes utterly unforgivable. I couldn't blame him.
"I don't mind visiting Marty, when do you want to leave? I mean I can probably pack within an hour." I informed him, finishing off the bagel, and moving on to his unfinished toast.
"I was thinking tomorrow morning, get the plane to New York State, drop in on Marty and then catch an evening flight back to Miami." He told me, stealing back his plate.
I pouted; Tim took a bite of his piece before pushing the plate back towards me. I smiled brightly before pulling it completely over to my side of the table.
"So what do we have planned for the rest of the day? Yea I know, Star Trek Museum." I reminded myself as he opened his mouth.
"I am thinking the water park; remember the one we drove past in the cab?" he offered in return for the Star Trek museum.
"Do you even own a pair of shorts?" I queried, raising an eyebrow.
"I didn't bring a pair of Speedos of that's what your asking." He smirked. "But I do have swimming shorts, so if you wanna go the water park, we can hit it."
I found myself smiling, as I pushed the plate away from me, finally full.
"Good thing I packed my bikini then." I told him, resting my chin on my hand as I began to people watch.
"Have you visited Marty since I went away?" I asked suddenly.
Tim shook his head, busying his hands by tearing strips off his napkin and sorting them into piles.
"It always felt wrong. I should go more often, but its hard being back here even for a few hours. I miss him a lot but... There's nothing I can do about it, Syracuse just isn't my home anymore, and it hasn't been for long time." He admitted quietly.
There was silence between the two of us, a comfortable one. I new he was dwelling, and dwelling was dangerous, I knew that. It led to all sorts of problems. So I reached across the table and tapped my finger on the back of his hand gently.
"Come on." I said jerking my head in the direction of the restaurant doorway. "I think I need an education in The Enterprise."
Wet 'n' Wild was boasted to be one of the best water parks in the United States, and from spending the majority of the day here I could see why. There was something for everyone here, or thrill seekers and people otherwise entertained. There were life guards on watch at every area, supervising many of the tourists and natives who chose to come here.
We were standing at the very top of the main attraction the Bomb Bay Speed Slide. A seventy six foot drop in a small one person capsule, the prospect was terrifying. The only reason we were up here was because of Speedle's stupid bet.
Tim knew I had a slight phobia of heights. It wasn't so much a phobia but just a general nervousness when I looked down from anywhere that could be deemed as too high.
So he decided to use it.
After visiting the Star Trek Museum, Tim had been struck with a wave of nostalgia. Star Trek had been his favourite programme when he was younger and I remembered he'd told me he'd spent his childhood watching episode after episode with his father. It was sweet to think of him like that, as a teenager growing up and getting along with his old man. As it turned out Tim had always had a thing for one of the characters off Star Trek, which in due course after taking one look at the Bomb Bay Speed Slide had encouraged him to make a bet.
I'd always been a bit of a thrill seeker; even before we met I'd had a thing for fast cars and anything that got the adrenaline pumping. So I was trying to see this as a challenge as opposed to an obstacle, besides if I lost the bet I'd be dressing up as Star Trek character in a spot of early evening role play.
The deal worked both ways, if I won then Tim had to fulfil one of my dirty little fantasies. He had to endure a spot of bondage.
It had always been one of my greatest fantasies to have Tim at my full mercy; it was rare in our relationship that I was in complete and utter control. The truth was I liked being submissive in bed, I was so dominant in real life sometimes it was nice to be reminded that I was a woman and that I didn't have to be in control all of the time. I trusted Tim a hell of a lot more than I did other people, so I enjoyed it that he frequently held the power in our relationship, especially in the bedroom. Sometimes though... sometimes I wanted to be in control.
And tying him to the bed, naked, maybe blind folding him, well that was a big turn on for me.
The problem was me and Tim were very similar to me because he also had to have a certain level of control. So bondage wasn't really something he was interested in unless he was the instigator, I'd been dying to try something like this for awhile now, Tim's bet had just provided me with the opportunity.
"That sure is a long drop Kate, you sure you wanna risk it. I mean what if the tube's loose, think about all that water rushing through there, bound to rust up some of the bolts. It sure is a long way to fall." Tim told me, as we both peered over the railing towards the concrete ground.
"Gotta take a risk every once in a while Speedle." I retorted, as his hand lingered on my lower back, his fingers lightly playing over the jagged scar.
I shivered under the attention as his thumb traced it downwards; stopping once he reached the outline of my cyan bikini briefs.
"You know it's been a long time since I've seen you in a bikini, it looks good on you." He said, his eyes taking in every asset I had on display.
We were both dripping wet from The Black Hole ride, that we'd both endured. Rushing through a tunnel in a raft in pitch black darkness, was much more fun than I had originally anticipated.
"First time seeing you in shorts though," I gazed down at his knee length, navy blue shorts before letting my gaze sweep upwards to meet his eyes again.
"It's not working you know." I stated, resting my back against the railing as we waited in the queue.
"We'll see what you say when your sitting in the capsule." He returned with confident smirk.
I rolled my eyes.
"I've never wussed out of anything in my whole life Speedle." I declared as the person in front of us stepped up into the capsule.
"You know it's not too late to back out, I won't think any less of you." Speedle needled me.
"No you'll just make me dress up in Star Trek memorabilia instead." I teased. "I'm telling you Tim I am doing this..."
The drop from here was huge, bigger than I had thought. My heart was pounding madly in my chest as I stepped forward and took the next place waiting for the capsule. Tim was alongside me; his face going awfully pale as he also peered at the sheer steepness of the drop.
"You know we could just..."
I cut him off, whilst repeating to myself over an over again, that these guys took a lot of safety precautions.
"No. I am doing this."
The bet had just gone out of the window. This was about facing fear, with that rooted deeply in the forefront of my mind, I climbed into the capsule and crossed my arms over my chest, prepared to plunge seventy six foot down.
It was our last night in Vegas and I was going to do everything in my power to make it as memorable as possible.
Dinner had been fantastic, Tim had bumped into a Las Vegas CSI he'd worked with previous on a cross jurisdictions case in Miami and we'd invited her to sit with us. Catherine Willows was witty, fierce and a woman after my own heart. She was humorous and had spent the night regaling us with stories of divers in trees, and other cases that she'd worked over the years. Her company was refreshing and I was more than interested to earn of how she became a CSI in the first place. When the clock struck ten pm, Catherine had bide us goodbye before leaving to start her shift back at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Tim and I had retreated to our room not long after so he could pay up his side of the bet.
The lights in our room were dim, creating an intimate glow to the bedroom and in particular the bed. The dress I was wearing was a satin, aqua-marine coloured halter neck. It hugged my curves and showed off a generous expanse of chest, it also felt great against my skin, and I knew for a fact that satin felt great against Tim's too.
Room Service had already delivered the chocolate strawberries and whipped cream. They were sitting on a silver trolley parked next to the bed.
We were already on the bed, my legs straddling Tim's hips as his hands slid up my back massaging the muscles as he gazed up at me lovingly. His white shirt was already off of his shoulders. My hands were running down his chest, caressing his firm muscles as my lips sought out his again; his kisses were breath taking and each one of them pulled me closer and closer to giving in. His hands were slipping underneath the skirt of my dress, trailing up my thighs and kneading my ass as he rubbed his erection against my moist panties.
I arched against him, as he held my hips in place before thrusting upwards against me. I gasped escaped my lips as my fingernails raked across his chest, head tipped back. My skin was flushed with the feel of him underneath me. I craved him, his body, his taste, his touch.
I took his hands gently, before stretching my body along his and pinning them above his head. My lips were inches away from his, and I could see my entire universe sitting there in his eyes.
"We don't have to do this if you feel uncomfortable." I murmured, letting the satin brush against his body lightly.
His breath was ragged as my tongue traced circles along his throat and up to his ear, my teeth nipping at his lobe.
"Just do it." He growled, and I knew with that, that it was taking all of his self control not to just flip me over and fuck me.
I swept the silk scarves off up the floor, pulling them taunt between my fingers before dipping down to kiss him. He moaned into my mouth as wriggled my lower body against his, his hand was in my hair as his tongue slipped into my mouth, tasting and teasing me with unspoken promises. I pulled his hand away before raising it towards the head board and securing it to the right hand bed post; I followed the same routine with the left one before admiring my own handy work.
"Promise me, nothing to do with my ass." He said suddenly, testing his restraints.
I had shimmied further down now, unclipping his black trousers and peeling them and his underwear over his hips and off his legs. My eyes fell on his impressive length and I couldn't help but bite my lip in anticipation before picking up another two scarves I had stowed away.
"Trust me I have no interest in your ass, for other than viewing purposes only." I assured him as I tied his ankles to the bed posts either side of the bed.
"Good because I was just remembering that case with the guy tied to his bed..."
I crawled across the bed towards him on all fours; he trailed off, losing his train of thought as I kneeled above him holding another scarf between my hands.
"I promise nothing is going near there, and if you feel unsure at any moment, let me know." I said, letting my fingers wrap around his cock and squeezed a little.
Tim closed his eyes and thrust into my hand before I took it away. He whined, opening his eyes to see me leaning forward the scarf taunt above him.
"Tell me that's not for erotic asphyxiation because that's a little too...near death for me." He informed me, eyes wide, and on the scarf between my hands.
"I'm going to blind fold you." I told him calmly.
Tim stared back at me a little unsure, before I bent my head, lips next to his ear as I whispered in it.
"Trust me."
I drew back, kissing the tip of his nose and giving him a reassuring smile as I touched his face with my fingertips.
"I do."
Those words were powerful and coming from him they touched me in ways I could never have dreamed. He was laying his trust entirely in my hands and I loved him for it.
"I love you Tim." I whispered against his lips, as he raised his head slightly so I could tie the blind fold over his eyes.
"I know." He returned, letting out a deep breath.
I could tell he was anxious so I decided to start with something small, something that he was used to. A kiss.
I let my lips linger over his, my legs resting against his thighs as my satin dress brushed across his skin. He shivered as my lips brushed his lightly, my tongue flicking along his bottom lip before my mouth claimed his. My tongue slid into the confines of his mouth, seeking out his as he raised his body off the bed and against mine trying to keep the contact between us. I broke away from the kiss suddenly, leaving him unsatisfied and certainly wanting, as I reached over to the room service tray, picked up a chocolate strawberry and dipping it in the whipped cream.
I took the strawberry and let it trail from just above his belly button, up the centre of his chest, coming to a halt at his collar bone, leaving a line of whipped cream in its wake. I lowered my mouth to his firm stomach, kissing his abdomen before letting my tongue flick across the tip of his erect cock. Tim's hips bucked as I licked the whipped cream off his body and brought the chocolate covered strawberry to his lips.
I traced the outline of his mouth gently before he licked along its supple skin, tasting it. I felt my body begin to tingle as I watched his lips kiss the strawberry, his tongue caressing up and down its tiny shape, before he began to suck it.
My fingers played along his muscles, following the lines and ridges of his body until I began to stroke his cock lightly with the palm of my hand. My fingers curled around him, pumping up and down gently as he nibbled at the strawberry, knowing how much it was turning me on.
His hips were moving in rhythm with my ministrations. The strawberry was gone, giving way to his low moans as he leaked pre-cum onto my hand picking up the pace.
"I want to taste you." he muttered, between ground teeth.
I could tell he was holding back, trying to starve off his orgasm for as long as he could, in order to give me what I wanted. His hips were rocking faster now and harder, as he drove himself closer to his climax, I pulled my hand way suddenly leaving him gasping and whimpering.
I was standing up now, next to the bed, kicking off my heels before speaking.
"I'm running my hands over the front of my panties right now, teasing myself a little with my fingers. God Tim you've made me so wet." I told him, rubbing my clit through my panties.
I heard Tim's breath catch as he shivered visibly; I was already getting rid of my underwear.
"I'm taking off my panties slowly; so that you taste me...Maybe I'll return the favour. You want me to wrap my lips around your cock and suck you until your coming in my mouth..." I paused, letting my hand trail up his thigh before briefly stroking his cock. "Or I could take off the blind fold and fuck you; until I let you come for me."
I was climbing back onto the bed now, kneeling beside him as my hand claimed him again, sliding up and down. I bent my head, my tongue licking up and down his shaft in long tantalising movements. His head as tilted back as I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock before taking him completely in my mouth.
Tim let out a guttural groan at the sudden motion, his body straining against the restraints as his hips jerked. My hand was the bottom of him, massaging his cock as my tongue teased him mercilessly, swirling around the head before flicking across it while I pumped him.
Tim was practically euphoric. He was struggling to keep up with me as I drove him harder, and further to the edge, until at last Tim cried out my name.
"Kate." He called out. "Kate, you're going to make me come."
I stopped abruptly, Tim let out a cry of frustration before I straddled his hips and reached forward, removing the blind fold as gently as I could. Our eyes met, in them I saw everything, his love for me shining as he lay there writhing in desperation.
"Please..." he begged. "Please Kate, fuck me."
The tip of him was rubbing against my moist wetness. My skin was flushed with desire, and I watched his face as he arched against me trying to slip inside my tight opening. I bit down hard on my bottom slip as I sank down suddenly, filling myself with his impressive length.
I was in heaven, I cried out as my body tingled excitedly, demanding more. The two of us were moving together now, Tim's hips were rocking to the same rhythm as mine, the pace picking up, moving faster and harder until my entire body was swallowed up in the intense sensations he was creating in me. Waves of ecstasy wracked me as he thrust a final time deeper inside. I screamed his name, nails raking down his chest as the wave of pleasure hit me so hard I lost complete control.
Tim was shuddering underneath me, my muscles tightened around his aching member before he reached his climax, my name on his lips as his whole body convulsed, straining against his binds.
The two of us were breathless, my hands reached up and undoing the scarves that held his arms and legs before I collapsed against him, worn out and immobile.
"Jesus..." he mumbled into my hair, his body slick with sweat from the marathon. "I'm pretty sure that almost killed me."
"Good way to go though." I muttered into his neck, pressing a kiss to his stubble.
Tim gathered me up in his arms and pulled me closer. His lips brushed my forehead as he lay on his back, his breathing becoming even again as we held each other tightly. My eye lids were getting heavy now, I was tired, I had been all day. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that wasn't healthy, but that was unimportant right now. Being here with Tim, that was important.
It was the most important thing in the world to me.
And as I drifted off, I felt him brush the hair way from my face as he whispered.
"I love you Kate."
Syracuse was surprisingly mild for this time of year. It was late autumn, and unlike Miami it showed. Autumn was my favourite time of year; back in NYC I used to walk through Central Park, trying to stand on all the crisp leaves that were lying upon the ground, because I liked the sound they made. Being here in Syracuse gave me the opportunity to do it all over again.
At first I'd been trying to do it discreetly, only stepping on leaves that were in our path, it wasn't until I'd been helping Tim pick Marty's flowers that he actually realized what I was doing. At that point he pretty much gave me free reign and chuckled wryly as I went out of my way to step on the dry red leaves.
That was until we reached the cemetery and then all humour drained out of the two us. Tim became quiet, virtually silent as he approached the grave, the red and yellow carnations clasped tightly in his hands, but that didn't stop the shaking. I could see the carnations trembling between his fingers as he knelt down beside the grave.
I hung back, standing on the concrete path that wove between the graves. My eyes took in the words etched into the stone.
Martin Reichs
RIP
Beloved son, brother and friend.
Still the same, nothing changed, Tim couldn't change the past, but I knew he'd tried. Before Columbia he'd wanted to go into medical research, he wanted to help his best friend in every way he could and that meant finding some sort of procedure to help fix a broken spine. That had all changed when Marty had died on the operating table, a risky operation that was meant to make his quality of life better. Instead it had ended it completely.
Tim couldn't help but feel responsible, which was why he'd taken off for a year after college, spending the majority of the time drinking and making his way across the country doing odd jobs like bar tending for a drink and some gas money.
Tim's parents could never understand why he left and the truth be told Tim had never told them, he'd told one person the truth about that snow mobile accident. In our first year together Tim had eventually told me all about Marty, and his role in the accident. I doubt the guilt ever left him. Every autumn he'd be plagued by nightmares, dreams as it were. I'd hear him mumbling in his sleep for a few nights a month before Marty's anniversary came and went, and then he was quiet again.
I had no idea how long I was standing there, but I knew I was getting wearier as the time went on. I didn't want to rush Tim, Marty had meant the world to him a life time ago, he deserved as much time as he could grab, so I decided to stray a few feet and sit myself down on the bench nearby.
It didn't help shift the nauseous feeling that seemed to be temporary residing in the pit of my stomach. I hadn't told Tim about it yet, he'd been trying so hard to make the vacation perfect that I didn't want to ruin it by getting sick.
A stomach bug had been going around the lab before we'd left for Vegas, I guess that and the combination of food I'd been eating recently was knocking me for six. I'd been knocking back Gravol throughout the past few weeks like it was candy.
At first I'd suspected pregnancy, an unlikely possibility since I took my pill so religiously it was almost compulsive. My periods were erratic and had been ever since the time of the fire. It was stress the doctor had said but I knew you could ever be too careful. I'd taken a pregnancy test the night before the prison break but it had turned out negative, much to my relief, and also my slight disappointment. I hadn't told Tim, I didn't want him too worry. If I didn't feel better by the time we got back to Miami I'd schedule an appointment with the doctor.
It was a while before Tim dropped down beside me on the bench, I'd been so absorbed in the book I'd packed that I hadn't noticed he's left the graveside until I felt his presence next to me. I folded the corner of the page before setting it back on my lap and letting my eyes stray to Marty's burial site. There was silence between us, Tim was staring down at his hands, the expression on his face showed he was deep in thought. I sighed before reaching out and taking his hand.
"So did he have much to say? He meet anyone nice up there?" I nudged his body with mine trying to cheer him up.
Tim chuckled before grabbing my left hand in his, his thumb tracing over my ring finger.
"Kate..." he took a deep breath before raising his eyes to meet mine. "Let's get married."
The air rushed out of my body, and I found myself staring at him dumb founded and unsure that I'd even heard him correctly.
"You mean right now? As in within the next twenty four hours..." I trailed off as he nodded, feeling utterly speechless and even more sick than I had before.
"We can apply for a marriage licence today, stay the night and get married here tomorrow before we go back to Miami." Tim had turned his whole body to face now, his arm resting on the back of the bench as he brushed a stray strand of hair from my face.
I stared at him in a mixture of panic and concern. How long had he been thinking about this? Was this the real reason we'd gone to Vegas? My mouth was moving and it took a while for the words to break through the shock of the whole suggestion.
"I can't..." the words slipped out and I had to keep going I had to make him understand why I was reacting like this. At the same time I was struggling to comprehend the idea that he was actually serious.
"I'm sorry but I just can't. I mean we just found each other, it's far too soon and we need to learn more about each other before we can even consider getting into that bigger commitment." I tried to explain, pulling my hand away from his.
"What more do we need to know? We're as close intimately as a couple can get. We share everything. Hell we practically live together." He hesitated before looking me straight in the eye. "I just want to share my life with you. Legally."
"Legally?!" I exclaimed.
I was on my feet, my body full of nervous energy at the way he was talking.
"Why can't we just stay this way? We've both changed Tim we're not the same people we were six years ago. It's not the same as it was back then." I reminded him as he stood up, his hands rested on my shoulders his head tilted down towards me.
"Then why can't we get married and then re-discover each other?" he asked me, eyes searching mine.
I wrenched myself away, taking two steps back, my hand going to my head feeling the familiar pain beginning to knot in my temples.
"I get what you're going through; I know how you're feeling but this isn't right." I told him. "Four days ago you had discovered you were HIV Negative. It's a shock to the system. I get the whole live life to the fullest, because I would want to do exactly the same, but this..." I gestured between the two of us. "Me and you getting married would be a mistake."
"Not to me it wouldn't. It would be the best thing that could ever happen to me." He proclaimed.
I crossed my arms over my chest shaking my head, trying to ignore the ache that was building in the back of my head, and spreading downwards towards my neck.
"That's just what you think right now. Trust me in a few months time you'd wake up thinking 'what the hell have I got myself into?' I know you Tim and I know you don't rush into things, especially something like this. This is an affect of everything that's happened over the last few days." I attempted to reason with him.
I understood what he was going through, oh Lord I did but this was wrong. Us getting married right now would be the biggest mistake of our lives and I couldn't let him do that, not to me, not to himself. He was swept away by the whole live for the moment mentality, the same way I had been after the fire, the same way I had been with Ray.
"No. This is me being madly and passionately and crazily in love with you." He stated, his eyes studying my face intently.
I had no idea what he was searching for but I knew he wasn't going to find it. Not right now, not this soon. It was time to tell him the one thing I'd been hiding from him, the one thing I knew would really hurt. The truth.
"Tim... I'm not ready for this. Last time I wasn't ready for it and I'm still not." I hesitated but I forced myself to get the words out. "Last time, I felt scared and trapped in this situation. I was twenty two going on twenty three and I was engaged to you and the prospect of being married...it terrified me." I dropped down onto the bench.
Tim said nothing; his mouth was set in a grim line as he stared down at me urging me on with his disillusioned frown. I bowed my head pursing my lips together before continuing.
"That's part of the reason I left you to go UC. I couldn't stand being that domestic that young. I'm not ready for that level of commitment; even now...It makes me feel suffocated and trapped..."
I could feel the heat of frustration on the back of my head before I glanced up at him, afraid to even look at him.
"So it will never happen then? Because hearing you say that..." he paused, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked back at Marty's grave. "It makes me feel as if I'm the one that's trapped in something that's not going anywhere."
My eyes were burning and my heart was aching in my chest, but I was prepared to fight my corner.
"I have been back in Miami for eight months, with you for six... We said we were going to go slow, do you think I don't love you?" I scolded him. "I've been there every time you've needed someone, I have given you everything I have but I can't give you this, it's too soon."
The pain in my head was increasing now, the build up of pressure between my eyes was immense, but I would not show weakness while we were in the middle of this.
"When? Can you at least tell me when?! Is it ever going to happen? I'm not getting any younger. I want you to be my wife and I want kids with you, Kate." His tone was demanding and I recognised the defensiveness in his voice.
Part of me argued that he was right; he deserved that at least, a normal life to settle down into. But my rebellious streak was winning over; I wouldn't be bullied into this, especially four days after the HIV scare, not when I knew he was going to regret it.
"I don't have a predetermined date! I don't know Tim, all I now is that its not now. Marriage and children...I mean I'm just establishing myself here. I'm starting a career I'm trying to get on the promotion grid, and that's hard enough right now because of my back ground. I mean can you seriously see yourself with kids?! You're always going on about how you hate them!" I spat, infuriated when he rolled his eyes at me.
"I want kids with you. I want everything with you. And all you can do is talk about wanting a career? Is that the only thing that matters to you?"
The way he looked at me made me feel even more enraged by his pushing on the subject. I was back on my feet, fists clenched by my sides, trying to keep myself calm as the blood rushed through my veins.
"This is not you talking; this is you reminiscing over Marty and the HIV talking. I like having a life, I like feeling independent and I thought you got that, I thought you were the same." I told him, struggling to keep my temper in check.
"If you're so independent that why are we even together? What do you need me for? Someone to have sex with? Keep you warm on the lonely nights?" he snarled.
My right hand was throbbing as the noise resounded over the quiet cemetery; Tim put a hand to his cheek. He didn't even look shocked at the fact I'd slapped him. I jabbed my finger at his chest.
"Don't you dare say that to me! You know this is hard for me, You know what it's like letting someone in after what I went through, even though it's you I feel like every time I open my mouth I have to make a conscious decision because that's what's embedded in my system." I took a shaky breath trying to stem my anger. "I love you Tim, but this isn't right and you know it."
Tim clenched his jaw, taking his hand away from his face, revealing an ugly red mark.
"I can't wait forever Kate. I won't wait forever." He clarified.
I felt something in my heart just break. Torn between what he wanted and what I couldn't give him. Torn between him and the alternative.
"I'm not asking you to wait for ever, I'm just asking you to wait a while. Just give me time." I said quietly, offering him a compromise.
"I'll give you some time. But I am not waiting forever. There are other women out there Kate and I don't even know if I can wait a year. So maybe you need space to figure out what you want and who you are and get a grip on all your fears and paranoia, before I decide you're not worth the trouble." He warned me before turning back down the path and walking away, leaving me staring at his retreating back as he stepped through the gate.
My hands were trembling as I reached inside my bag and took out the pain meds. I tipped one into my hand and swallowed it dry as my knees gave out and I ended up seated on that bench all over again. I had my plane ticket and he had his, we didn't have to see each other until the airport in over two hour's time. I rubbed my hands over my face, still in a state of utter disbelief.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them, so I did the only thing at the time, I gave in and cried, knowing that this was it. I couldn't give him what he wanted, and he was going to leave. My chest ached and my heart broke as I sat there alone, sobbing into my hands on a bench in the middle of Syracuse.
On the plane home, the two of us barely spoke. All our cards were laid upon the table but there was no compromise to be made. When we got to Miami International, the two of us separated without a word before climbing into our respective cabs returning back to our individual homes.