Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling? Trying to find the truth, sometimes the heart is deceiving. Can't get out of my head, and I need you to save me. If I am delusional then maybe I'm crazy in love with you. Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling?
The feeling - Justin Bieber ft. Halsey
''We should skip.''
It was hot outside today and Luke didn't feel like being stuck in a classroom with thirty other students. He barely survived the morning, how will he get trough his last two classes? Most schools don't have air conditioned - only private schools have - so they open the windows but let's be real, it's never enough.
''Good idea. When I skip, I go home but today's my dad's day off so...better not.''
''No one's home but Ray get off work at two, we'd get caught and he'd call my mum.''
Calum scrunched his nose and Luke sighed, both slouching back in their seats.
They need to find a place to go because the bell for the end of lunch will go off really soon and once that bell rang, they can get caught.
Most students who skips goes to the small park in front of the school or the mall but it's too hot to stay outside and the mall is a little far if you don't have a civil bus pass. They could pay to take the bus but Luke doesn't have money.
And borrowing three dollars from Calum is kinda embarrassing.
He probably wouldn't mind but, still.
Calum smirked, elbowing his blonde friend, almost making him choke on his juice. Luke cough and glared at the boy. ''I know a place.''
Luke raised an eyebrow, finishing his juice quickly and standing up. ''What are we waiting for, let's go.''
The two teenagers left the lunch room and went to their lockers, grabbing their bags and stuff, not planning on coming back. They only have two period left, what's the point coming back to school just for the busses?
They pushed the doors and the burning sun hit them as soon as they stepped outside. The heat was almost suffocating. And to say fall's starting in two weeks...doesn't look like it.
''Ugh, I'm starting to melt already,'' Calum joked as they walked on the sidewalk, squinting his eyes as the sun flashed in his eyes, blinding him.
''Where are we going?'' Luke asked, trying to keep up with Calum's fast pace. How can he walk fast when it's so hot outside?
''Somewhere,'' he replied. ''We should go to the beach - or, do you know anyone who has a pool?''
Luke shook his head. ''Our neighbor have one but, she's crazy.''
A chuckle escaped his friend's lips. ''The old kind?''
''No, she's really crazy. Last week she jumped off her roof and to her pool. It's a two story house.''
''Erm, how is she not dead?''
Luke shrugged. ''I asked myself the same...'' he trailed and laughed.
After some more walking, Calum climbed up a small rocky hill, making Luke groan because it's fucking hot and he's not good at climbing. He almost fell two times but Calum was there and helped him up like the good friend he is.
''Finally!'' Calum exclaimed, wiping the sweat off his face for the third time since they left school. ''I knew we were close. You better be there,'' he grumbled, crossing the street and walking an alley.
The place was familiar to Luke. Very familiar. He's been here before, he knows it. The black car in the driveway was familiar. He saw it before. Even the door was familiar. The door.
Calum ran up the stairs and knocked a few times. ''Come on,'' he said, knocking his fist against the door again.
And then, it hit him.
How did he not recognized the neighborhood? He's spent half of his summer here.
This is Kellin's house.
Just as he made the connection, the door opened.
The butterflies were back in Luke's stomach as soon as his blue irises caught the sight of Kellin.
Guess he's not that over him...
They can't happen though. Not only because his parents wouldn't allow it but because Kellin doesn't have feelings for him. He just want to use him for his body. Luke doesn't want to be just a quick fuck.
***
Being inside Kellin's house after all that happened this summer was weird. They haven't spoken since Liz caught her son on the phone with the older guy and Luke doesn't quite know what to say or how to act around him.
If Calum would've told him they were going to Kellin's house, he wouldn't have skipped.
They went to the living room and Calum picked up Kellin's guitar, trying really hard to get some chords right but still failing. Luke would've laughed at his friend if he wasn't so preoccupied already.
His mind is going crazy, thinking and over-thinking about everything Kellin. A whirlwind of what if's and why's It's unhealthy but he still do it.
''Any beers in your fridge?''
''It's not like that, you know. You're placing your fingers wrong,'' Kellin chuckled and went to get Calum's beer despite being underage.
The younger boy groaned, cursing at the 'broken' guitar. It wasn't broken, Calum's just bad at playing the instrument.
Kellin came back holding two beers. He handed one to Calum and motioned for Luke to take the second one but the blonde shook his head. Kellin rolled his eyes and took the beer for himself despite already having a half full one on the table.
''Skipping school to steal my beers, Hood?''
Calum took a large gulp and nodded. ''Yeah, school was boring so we came here to get drunk,'' he joked. ''Well, I did.''
''Drunk?'' the older boy snickered. ''I don't know you'll get drunk off one beer, man. If so, you're fucking weak,'' Kellin laughed.
The teenager glared at him. ''Fuck off, I'm not weak. I drank half a bottle of vodka at Mike's party last weekend.''
''I bet it was mixed with tons of orange juice...and that doesn't count!''
Kellin has been to Michael's parties enough time to know the colorful haired boy mixes his alcohol with other liquids so more people can have drinks. It's cool for the ones who didn't bring anything but sucks for the ones who wanted to get smashed becuase they needs to drink a lot more.
''Why the hell not?''
''If you drank half the bottle, than means you drank half of the half which equals a quarter. It's not a lot.''
While the two bickered on the couch, Luke found himself staring at Kellin. Just like the good ol' days.
He couldn't see his full face, only his profile, but that was enough to send him daydreaming. How embarrassing... Kellin's black hair were in their usual mess yet, perfectly placed. They seemed to have grown a little since the summer - obviously.
By fixing at the older guy, Luke's old feelings all came back and it was both a a blessing and a curse. He had a good time with Kellin. For a moment, he was the only one who could make him smile and truly enjoy life but he's also the one who shattered his heart.
They stayed for a moment but when three o'clock arrived, Calum had to leave, needing to get home before his dad. Luke stood to go with him but Kellin stopped him and asked the blonde to stay.
Luke had to debate for a minute before voicing his decision.
His head was telling him to leave with Calum and go home because he's gonna end up hurting himself if he let Kellin back in his life.
So he stayed.
It started with listening to some new jams Kellin's friend Vic's band made and ended in a make out session.
Just, how?
Luke swears they were sitting on the couch and being super platonic but he still found himself straddling Kellin on the couch, the older boy kissing the life out of him.
A hand went to his butt and the blonde had to bite his lip and hold his tongue to not moan. He wasn't embarrassed. He simply didn't want Kellin to know how smitten he was. How weak he makes him.
Kellin broke the kiss and took off his tee shirt, showing his flat chest and torso. He was thin and to most people it's not really attractive but Luke didn't care. It's better than having a tummy!
Luke took a moment to look at the raven haired boy. His hair were even more messy than earlier from Luke running his hands trough them.''You know if we get caught you'll go in jail.''
Age of consent might be sixteen but Kellin is almost twice Luke's age which changes everything. If they were to have sex and the word came to the police, Kellin would go behind the bars. Whether Luke wanted it or not won't matter. It's still statutory rape to the law.
''Yeah, if,'' Kellin repeated, capturing the younger boy's lips between his for a quick kiss. ''But you won't tell. We're friends, uh?''
Luke gulped. Are they? Friends. He's not sure of his answer.
A smirk crossed Kellin's lips as he leaned forward. ''And, I know you want me too,'' he whispered, pressing a light kiss right under Luke's ear. Luke closed his eyes at the touch, eager to get touched by the older boy.
Luke's body was like a magnet, searching for Kellin's touch all the time. It would be cute if they were dating, but they aren't which makes it scary instead.
Moans and gasping breaths were the only sounds in the house apart from the ticking of the clock. Kellin's hands rubbed up and down Luke's pale skin, getting under the fabric on his tee shirt before going down to his pants and gripping his ass trough his skin tight jeans. Something about the gesture made Luke pull away from the kiss.
''You're not taking advantage of me, right, Kellin? I mean, I know you don't love me but, you're not...using me?''
Kellin looked at him in the eyes and shook his head. ''No, we're just having a good time,'' he replied, grinding up so the younger boy would feel his hard on. ''Aren't you having a good time, Luke?''
The younger boy blushed and nodded, going back to where they stopped.
Clothes were quickly thrown on the floor - more hesitantly from Luke's part. He was very uncomfortable to show off his body to someone else for the first time. His boxers were still on but he was almost naked.
At least Kellin had the decency of taking his clothes off too, making it a little bit less awkward for the teenage boy.
Luke's brain was racing when the older guy looked him over. Is he staring at my stomach? Does he think I'm fat? Do I look weird? Does he thinks I have bone-y legs?
All these thoughts are perfectly normal. Most teenagers are insecure about their body but if your partner is voicing those bad thoughts to you, or making a rude comment about your body, it might not be the right person to give yourself to.
The look on Kellin's face was making Luke very nervous. He wasn't saying anything but the look on his face put Luke in the doubt.
Was Kellin saying the truth when he said he wasn't taking advantage of him? That he wasn't tricking him into having sex?
And then, Kellin's phone rang, interrupting them and Luke didn't know if he was bummed or relieved.
***
His mum wasn't home when he arrived at the appartement but Ray was. Luke didn't see him but guessed he was sleeping because he saw his car in the parking. Luke took advantage of Ray not being around to pick up the landline and delete the message the school left saying he didn't attend his afternoon classes.
What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
He then went to his room and lay down on the bed.
He should be happy. But he's not.
He made out with Kellin and did a little bit of grinding - he even gave the older guy a boner. As weird as it sounds, Luke's dreamed of doing that several times but when it happened, he didn't feel like he thought he would. To him, making out with his crush was the best thing on earth.
Except it wasn't.
Okay, kissing was good. Kellin is a good kisser, he can't lie about that. When they took off their clothes, that's where it started to not feel good. The butterflies that once filled Luke's stomach weren't there anymore. They were gone, just like his clothes.
Luke felt very uncomfortable taking off his clothes in front of Kellin. The guy is older and has a more experience than him - he's also seen a lot of naked bodies. Like most teenagers, showing off his body was a big deal to Luke. He felt vulnerable.
What he felt back then, when he was at Kellin's, wasn't how you should feel when having sex for the first time. You should feel comfortable around the other person, not constantly judged.
Kellin should've felt his uncomfortableness and reassured the blonde, but he didn't. He ignored Luke's feelings and that's what made the teenager think Kellin was using him. He knew Luke had feelings for him, it perfectly makes sense.
Now, he feels stupid for not seeing it sooner. He was blinded by his feelings for Kellin and didn't see the guy had been using him. Ben was right after all. Older guys only wants sex out of younger ones...
The thought of Kellin using his for that matter and tricking him made the teenager feel sick. Luke trusted him.
Luke grabbed his pillow and pressed his face in it in hope it'll swallow him or take away all his bad memories. Either was fine.
Except, it's impossible. Life isn't a science fiction movie. Bad things don't go away by snapping your fingers together.
He clutched the cushioned pillow harder with his fists, closing his eyes shut tightly.
Realizing this sad truth about Kellin Quinn shattered what was left of his little heart. He put his heart and soul into a relationship that would have never worked. Luke feels so stupid and disgusting.
He needs to stop thinking about Kellin and what happened. He can't let him take control of him, again. He was just starting to get better and then, Calum took him to Kellin's place and he fell into Kellin's arms, just like that.
It was almost too easy. Luke feels dumb for letting that happen but he needs to stop beating himself over it. He needs to learn from his mistakes and move on. It's in the past and now that he realized what Kellin was doing, he's not planning on seeing him ever again.
Still curled up on his bed, Luke felt something soft grazing the tip of his finger. His eyebrows knitted together as he pulled on the soft fabric. A faint smile tugged on his lips when he saw what it was: Ashton's hoodie.
Suddenly, everything that was hurting didn't hurt as much . He still felt dumb and disgusted but he wasn't as sad. He couldn't put his finger on the reason of his sudden wave of happiness and joy. He pulled the grey hoodie to his chest and cuddled with it, inhaling the familiar scent of its owner.
Maybe Luke doesn't like Kellin that way anymore? Maybe he's moved on?
A/N Sorry to be so late, I kinda had a writer block, but not really. It took so long to write that chapter, I wasn't inspired at all. Hate when that happen... Next chapter should be up sooner as I've a couple sentences already written and - for the most part - already planned the scenes. Leave comments below and don't forget to vote!
Thoughts about Luke making out with Kellin - again? Do you think Kellin was taking advantage of him? Ashton's hoodie making him feel better?
p.s. If you've ready my message on my board from earlier, I'd like you to let me know which ship you'd like me to write about in the future! Just leave a comment on the ship's name down below!
Kellic (Kellin+Vic)
Philkas (Eyewitness)
Evak (Skam)
Malec (Shadowhunters)
Gallavich (Shameless)