Playlist:
Somewhere love remains- Lady Antebellum
Don't let me go- Harry Styles
Not going to lie I cried while writing this so brace yourselves!xoxo
Ryder's POV
My heart hammered nervously in my chest as I sat on the bed waiting for Harry, in the bedroom that used to be ours. It feels so strange to be here because everything looks the same, it feels like I didn't leave at all. Turning my head, my eyes randomly focus over to the desk and spots my journal.
Shit, did Harry read it?
Standing up I make my way over to it but when I do I now notice a few pictures laying out by the closed MacBook where the two journals rested. Curiosity takes over me and I carefully reach down to pick up one of the pictures.
Holding the thin and shiny material between my fingers, the first person I notice was Harry. He looked slightly younger dressed in a black coat with a dark blue scarf around his neck. His hair was a bit curlier than it is now but a bit long. Then I notice his beautiful smile before my eyes divert to a blonde haired girl, who he had both of his arms around. The girl had gorgeous green eyes and a few freckles dotting the apples of her cheeks, she was dressed in a maroon colored coat with a grey beanie over her head, smiling broadly at the camera.
Who is this?
"Her name was Emily." Harry's soft deep voice states making me jump a little. I turn my head to look at him, blushing that I had been caught snooping, and I fight the urge to widen my eyes as I do.
Holy crap, he cut his hair!
Harry was standing a few feet away, looming close to the door dressed in all black, the sleeves of his black sweatshirt clung around his upper body, perfectly outlining his broad shoulders and muscular arms, which looked more defined than before. The silver necklace that he usually wears beneath his clothes rested over the warm material revealing a silver cross.
Harry's hair was way shorter than it was before, resembling a buzz cut style but the sides were not completely shaven off, just the space close to his ears. The rest of his hair was longer, but since the roots were straight the ends swooped around to make it look a bit wavy, not long enough to show off his curls. The front pieces of his hair was long enough to swoop over his forehead but one easy move of his hand and he could easily push it back like he always has a habit of doing.
Damn he looks good, if only I could look good like that no matter how I dress or do to my hair. Wait...did he say was? That her name was Emily?
"What happened to her?" I quietly ask as I keep my eyes on him. His hands were down at his sides, and I take notice of his fingers rubbing together.
"She died about four years ago. She...was murdered." He mutters while focusing on a random spot on the floor. My lips part at his reply stunned but before I could say anything else he speaks.
"Emily was my girlfriend at the time. I used to spend most of my time out working." Harry begins, still not looking at me.
"A day before she died, I decided to come home a bit early from working down at a local bar under a different name." He continues and I watch him, giving him my full attention because he is actually telling me things rather than saying it is none of my business or that it isn't important like he usually does.
"I know I should have done more hours but I spent the whole weekend working overtime and I was exhausted. Plus, I could spend some time with her since we haven't for a while. However when I got home..." He trails and stops.
Harry's shoulders rise up as he takes in a breath through his nose before letting out a sigh, his brows furrow as he looks back down at the floor. His expression made me feel more uneasy than I already was and he hasn't moved from the spot that he walked to since he began talking. The distance between us made my stomach sink, I could feel the tension around us but the tension wasn't an awkward one, it felt more like nervous anticipation.
"I walked inside and.." He pauses, briefly closing his eyes. "I caught Zayn fucking her on the couch."
I blanch at his words, bile rising in my throat as my mind uncomfortably paints a brief image of the situation. I stay quiet not sure how to respond the right way; if there was a right thing to say after a confession like this.
Harry shrugs. "I guess I couldn't give her what she needed. Though Lord knows I tried."
I blink, diverting my eyes to the floor as my mind begins to twirl it's gears and takes me back to what my dad had said, that he couldn't give my mom what she needed even though he desperately tried to. My heart sinks to the floor as I set the picture back down on the desk as I feel pieces starting to fall into place.
This, this is the reason why Harry was acting so volatile towards Zayn and being overly protective when he was around me. This is why Harry was desperately promising me that he will never leave me alone, telling me that he will always be there for me and will try his very best to give me what I need when he snuck into the bathroom while I was taking a shower.
He was simply scared, he was worried that history would repeat itself and I was a stubborn jerk.
"So long story short, I beat the living shit out of Zayn and I didn't kick Emily out cause I knew she had nowhere else to go. Instead, I left and stayed at a motel for the night and went to work the next day." He says diverting his eyes back onto me. His face looked sad and bleak.
"That night I decided to stay overtime because I knew if I went home I would see Emily and I wasn't prepared to see her just yet. I was mad, I was disgusted, I felt..." Harry purses his lips pondering for the right word but he didn't seem to find one.
"Anyways, I figure I should man up and go see her. After all it was my absence and lack of affection that drove her to do what she did with Zayn. Once I got home, after taking a bus and walked about six blocks, I saw the police cars and ambulance parked outside the house along the sidewalk and the front yard."
I momentarily close my eyes as I feel my heart sink further knowing what the next words of his story will be.
"They... were looking for me." He continues, looking down at his hands as if to distract him from the vivid and awful memory. "I wasn't home...they had their way with her and she was the one to suffer the consequences of my mistakes, and with the knowing guilt eating me alive I decided there was no point in hiding anymore." He shakes his head.
"So I turned myself into the police right then and there. Coincidently enough it was your father who I turned myself into that night." He adds and my mind recalls the printed words in the file I took from my dad's study.
"So...that's why my dad gave you a deal." I mutter." Because he saw how much you lost."
"Yes but not entirely." He says shaking his head before taking a step.
My heat lurches in my throat as he does, scared that he might come over to me, but I'm not scared that he will; I'm scared what I will do if he does. My anxiousness seizes when Harry stops right at the end of the desk.
"I didn't know it at the time but this is yours." He says, reaching into the open wooden box in the corner and pulls something out. I follow his hands as he unravels a necklace between his fingers before holding it up to show me and my eyes divert to the beautiful starfish pendant attached to it.
(A/N: Remember this guys?!)
My brows furrow. "I'm sorry but I don't understand." I say, my eyes flickering up to his. The side of Harry's lips pull into a faint smile as he lowers his hand.
"No, I doubt you remember anything at all." He says looking down at the necklace in his hand.
"Your dad did tell you what he did before he became a cop right?"
I nod. "Yeah, he said he made some bad decisions just to make a bit of money."
"Well your dad and my dad used to work together. I used to live in the same neighborhood as you in Brighton. We used to play together all the time."
My brain filters his words as my mind tries to comb back, trying to remember but I struggle, that is until I remember the home video that I saw with Katie in our old apartment.
Holy cow...but...how?
"Your dad used to take us to the beach all the time, which is the same beach you and I went to a while back." He softly continues, his eyes locking with mine and suddenly I remember him saying he has been to the Brighton Pier before.
"I gave this necklace to you when you were moving away as a promise that no matter where your dad was taking you I would find you again."
"All this time I have been going crazy looking for you, the only time I realized it was you was the other night when your dad showed me a picture of the two of us at a local ice ring at a much younger age."
Honestly, right now my brain is confused as it tries to gather this huge amount of information that has been willingly given to me, but as much as I want to just forgive Harry, I am still upset.
"Okay, so...do you think by telling me all of this it'll somehow justify what you did?" I ask tilting my head to the side.
"No." He shakes his head setting the necklace down on the desk, keeping his eyes on me. "But I wasn't lying when I said you were my best friend."
"Harry, I-"
"Did you know that you were the first girl that I ever had a conversation with that wasn't at some crowded night bar?" He says, gazing intently down at me, as I continue to stare at him.
"I mean I could have easily just left you there at the train station but for some reason I felt the need to ask if you were alright. When I walked away after you were being such a bitch," he says with a very brief smile and laugh escape his lips. "I could have been on my way but for some reason I looked at you and I saw that you were the same as me...broken, and I felt like I could somehow save you from whatever was making you look so distraught."
"And... I did." He smiles before biting on his lip.
Yes he did. He has saved me from a very toxic relationship, he has helped me through too many dangerous situations but most of all he has helped me mend the relationship I have with my father.
"For some reason I just found myself doing things I've never done before. Yes,I had Emily but nothing compares to what I feel or do when I'm with you."
"You made me drink coffee, I started writing in my journal again but positive thoughts this time. Hell, I let you take pictures of me despite of my fear of them turning into haunting ones just like these," he says gesturing with his hands towards the sprawled out pictures on the polished wood.
"Why?" I breath, my voice a very quiet whisper, my throat suddenly becoming dry.
"Because I love you." He responds with no hesitation, looking back and forth between my eyes.
Tears sting in the back of my eyes before they begin to pool and I shake my head at him while taking a few steps back feeling confused by my wave of emotions. Harry's words were all I dreamed of hearing ever since he shattered my heart. They were the ones I have missed this past week and a half, but as he says them the numbing pain of fear begins to crash over me.
"I...love... you." Harry repeats, adding more emphasis to each word. "Hell, I loved you all along. I have loved you since we were little and I had no fucking clue what the hell that word meant."
"No Harry." I shake my head. "I- you-"
"Look, I know I said awful things but please just-" he says reaching out to touch me.
"No don't!" I scowl, pushing him away just as he barely managed to brush his hands over my arms.
I honestly have no idea why I'm pushing him away. I know Harry loves me based on the poem that Niall gave me, but right now I am being driven by my own fear. My fear of distrust and abandonment. My fear that has been born by people not wanting me. Right now, Harry seems like a record player changing from one thing to another; changing from 'I love you' to, 'I don't love you' and back over to 'I love you' again.
If he changed his mind before what's saying that he won't do it again?
"Baby, please just-"
"Don't touch me." I say as a few tears spill down my cheeks, pushing him away once more. "You don't get to do that! You don't get to say you don't love me then say you do!"
"I'm not a fucking rag doll!" I continue as Harry reaches out to touch me once more but this time I weakly push him away. His hands brush over my elbows before grabbing my upper arms, as I slightly give up on pushing while my emotions start to come over like a tidal wave.
"I'm not a toy! I'm not!" I continue to cry.
"No baby, you are none of those things." Harry says frantically shaking his head as he tries to tug me towards him. I cry, loudly, my hands clenched together as I place them against his chest to try to keep him away.
"I know I hurt you." Harry continues, ignoring my weak attempts to make him let me go. "But I did it because I had to."
"No." I sob. "You didn't want me. You are a liar! You said-"
"Shh, I'm sorry." Harry says quickly releasing my arms, reaching up to place his hands on my cheeks.
"Of course I want you." He counters, his voice desperate, trying to get me to understand but my fear is eating me alive. All of the emotions I have kept in all of these last days are now coming through like a current through a broken dame; strong, fast and all at once.
"I want you more than anything in this world. I love you. I knew I loved you when I began highlighting my novels. I knew I loved you when I started talking poetic lines while everyone around watched me as if I was going mad."
"I know I hurt you." Harry continued as I try to turn my head from his grasp, but he just holds me tighter and tilts his head to look at me in the eyes. "I said unspeakable things to you but I did it to keep you safe. I didn't want him to hurt you. I didn't want you to end up like Emily. That was my fear."
"So the last few days I have spent my time trying to desperately forget about you. I drank, I smoked, and I..." He pauses, letting go of my face and moving his hands to my arms, while letting out a sigh and shaking his head.
Oh no...
"I slept with someone else and it was a stupid fucking mistake." He quickly admits, placing his hand on my cheek again.
"No, Harry, I-"
"I promise I won't do it again. I love-"
"You...you broke me." I shake my head, tears still running when my face. "You said you didn't love me. You slept with someone else... You can't-"
"I know!" He says, his voice sounding more desperate and pleading, as his whole features were taken over by pain and guilt.
"I am a terrible man, but I need you. I tried to move on so you could have better but I can't." He frowns, whipping my still running tears off my cheeks. "I'm a bloody selfish bastard. I need you, I have no fucking clue who I am without you."
"Baby, I wanted to tell you the truth so many times but I kept putting it off." He says and still through my slightly blurry vision I could see he was on the verge of tears. "I was scared to lose you but the irony of it is that I did anyways."
I shake my head. "I don't know what to believe..." I mutter, tears running down my cheeks. "I don't even know who you are."
"You know me better than anyone." He says, gazing at me intently.
I shake my head again, lowering his hands from my face. "No, I-"
"Yes you do!" Harry exclaims, worry lines etched between his brows as he frowns down at me. "You know me. You know the real me. The man that did really, really shitty things, that wasn't me...well it was but I was forced to do it. That wasn't me."
"You say you don't know what to believe well believe when I say that I love you." He presses. "Believe when I say that my mornings can't even start without seeing you. I am never at ease until I know that you are okay. This past week has been fucking hell, I can't even seem to function without you. I tried to, I tired to live without you just like I was before but the truth is..." He pauses while shaking his head and raising his shoulders in a brief noncommittal shrug.
Harry's sad eyes flicker back to mine. "I wasn't living at all." He admits, and my lips part.
"Please," Harry begs through clenched teeth, reaching over grasping my face firmly in his hands before pressing his forehead against mine while closing his eyes and slightly tilting my head back. "Please understand. I know I don't deserve you but please just don't let me go."
Author's Note:
Hey loves! Double update just cause I couldn't wait. Are you guys starting to see a few connections? Like for example that the promise that Harry was talking about in the beginning was finding Ryder. Ahhh, I'm just so excited cause here is where things are going to take off. I love you all so much!!! Xxx