I hate this. There is no way im ever getting better. My life sucks. I only have two friends and one of them is a fucking art teacher, and the other im hopelessly in love with. My sister is an abusive asshole that hates me. My aunt lets her walk all over her and hurt me and does t do anything about it because she's scared of her. My mom died when I was five so there's no way that's getting better. We finally got taken away from my dad because he was even more abusive than Alyssa and a raging fucking drug addict. I get beat up in school on a daily basis. I get made fun of on a daily basis. Im anorexic. I cut. And My only dream to get out of this hell and live with the only two people that care about me without even knowing me will never come true. Ever.
Nothing
Is
Ever
Getting
Better
I get out my razor and throw it under a rug. I jump and stomp on it until I finally brakes. I take the one blade lieing on the floor and put it to my stomach where the others are. The blood starts on the blade but soon starts slowly dropping to the floor. The next five minutes were a blur.
When I finally regain consciousness of what im doing I put the blade back on the back on the counter still shaking. I get a towel a wipe up what's on the floor. Then I take the towel a press it as hard as I can against my stomach. I wince at the pain.
When the bleeding finally stops I step over to the scale. 90 pounds. I've eaten today. I was 85 yesterday. 79 the day before. I wanted 75. 75 was perfect. No fat at all. But I ate today and yesterday. I felt disgusting. I walk to the toilet, kneeling in front of it. Not for the first time I shoved my finger in the back of my throat until I threw up. Then I didn't it again. And again. I then brushed me teeth and washed my hands. I walk to the shower and turn it on as hot as I can with out me getting a burn. I wanted it as hot as I could get it to burn calories. I stay in for about 45 minutes until im content with the heat then wash me hair and body and what not. When im done I get out and get dresses in shorts and a tank top. I jump on the treadmill to burn even more of the pounds I've gained the last few days until I start to get dizzy. Before I pass out I walk back to the scale. 81 pounds. Still not enough. I walk back over to my bed and lie down. Immediately falling asleep. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.