Chapter seventy two.
(AN – PLEASE VOTE AND COMMENT)
** warning this chapter could be classed as triggering**
HARRY’S POV:
The journey home from Emma’s dads was pretty silent the only noise was the quite playing of the radio, honestly I don’t know why I listen to the radio I don’t even like the music they play.
Emma actually seems pretty ok considering what’s just happened, either that or she’s just gotten really good at hiding her emotions.
I really hope that isn’t the case because the fact that I can always tell exactly how she’s feeling is really important because I noticed when she’s down and it helps me to stop her from hurting herself.
Her dad acted like a complete dickhead back there I honestly didn’t think he’d react the way he did, yeah I didn’t expect him to throw us a party and celebrate but I also didn’t think he’d be so harsh.
Emma completely blew up but it’s to be expected really no one can keep that much in for that long, she had to say it eventually and it just happened to be now.
I already knew all the things she told her dad but it still hurt me a lot so I can’t imagine how much it hurt him.
I’d like to say him and Emma will fix things but it’s not like he deserves it.
I read something the other day that really spoke to me ‘you don’t owe your parents anything. They chose to have you, keep you and raise you. You didn’t choose to be their child. Any expectations or ideals they try to enforce on you are bullshit if you don’t agree with them. They should accept their child for who they are not judge them on a minor detail that doesn’t affect their life. Don’t feel bad if you’re not the child your parents think you should be’ And although this doesn’t 100% link to the situation between Emma and her dad its saying she didn’t ask for him to raise her but because he did why couldn’t he raise her properly.
I feel like all her life Emma felt like she had to be more than she was, like she constantly had to improve but never could and the constant battle she had trying to do this eventually drowned her and trapped her inside the mess she’d created within her own head. She was never actually told she wasn’t good enough or that there wasn’t any point in her existence but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t made to feel that way.
Its like her own thoughts consumed her and made her unable to see anything good in herself. I can only hope she’s overcome some if not all of those feelings now because she needs to do so in order to ever live a normal life.
I’m not saying I ever want to be parent but I know for certain if by some turn of events a became one there is no way I would ever allow my child to fall into the same hole inside their own head millions of teenagers get stuck into nowadays.
I’d make my child feel loved at every opportunity, I wouldn’t overlook the warning signs that are clearly flashing off right in front of me. I wouldn’t pass off depression or suicidal behaviour as attention seeking. I wouldn’t ignore the fact that my child didn’t leave their room for days on ends and just blame it as laziness. If they ever came to me and told me how they were feeling I would do something about it even if it’s just talking to them I’d do whatever I could. No way would I just ignore them.
That isn’t me saying I want a child because believe me I don’t but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t put everything I have and more into that child and making sure it’s healthy not just physically but mentally because so many parents over look mental health and that’s just not ok.
‘’Want anything to eat love?’’ I ask Emma once we get home, we were meant to have dinner at her father’s house but well that didn’t go to plan did it?
She doesn’t answer instead she just sinks into the sofa silently.
See this is what I’m talking about, parental neglect causes years of problems for their child.
‘’Em?’’ I say walking in front of her and crouching down so I’m level with her.
‘’I wish you wouldn’t worry so much, I’m fine’’ she smiles poking at my frowned expression and dragging it into a smile.
Maybe I am being over dramatic and worrying too much? Maybe she really is fine? Maybe she just needed to get all this off her chest?
‘’Ok so do you want something to eat?’’ I ask again.
‘’No I’m not hungry’’ she shrugs.
‘’Ok, well I am’’ I say smirking as I lean in to press my lips to hers.
Instantly catching her within my hungry kiss her hands lock into my hair dragging my face closer to hers.
EMMA’S POV:
‘’Just going for a shower’’ I murmur into Harry’s ear as I carefully pull myself out of his hold and climbing out of bed.
I carefully step over the clothing which got strewn all over the floor a couple of hours ago.
‘’Hurry back love’’ he calls after me chuckling a little.
I step into the shower allowing the water to run over my body. The water is boiling hot but I feel like I’m freezing cold. I’ve heard depression can make you feel colder I’m not sure if that’s true or not but right now I’m literally shivering under the running hot water.
The tears start to fall now, these are the tears I’ve been holding in since I walked out of my dad’s house earlier.
The sobs aren’t loud because I don’t want Harry to know, it’s the quite kind of crying where it’s almost like you’re choking on air.
I wash my hair and my body vigorously as if I’m trying to remove the dirt I’m covered in. This isn’t the kind of dirt you can see, no this is the kind of dirt within. I’ve been covered in it for years now, it’s everything that’s wrong with me, my scars, the way I feel about myself, the things that have happened to me, the sick thoughts I have in my head every single day about my constant battle between fighting or giving in and ending it all.
It consumes me and I just want to scrape it all off.
Without even thinking the razor is in my hand and red lines are begin drawn all over my thighs. Some running over the old scars overs others over the blank parts of the canvas made of my own skin.
I’m sat at the bottom of the shower now watching the water run in mixtures of red and pink depending on which cut it hits and how deep it is.
One particular cut seems worse than any other, worse than any other cut I’ve ever made. Blood is literally gushing out of it and I don’t know how to make it stop.
‘’Em’’ Harry says knocking on the door.
‘’Em… you’ve been in there ages is everything ok?’’ he asks I don’t reply because I don’t trust my own voice right now.
‘’Em if you don’t answer me I’m coming it’’ he shouts a little louder, his voice doesn’t sound angry though.
No please don’t come in. No. my head is screaming but my mouth can’t seem to function.
The door opens and all I can do is close my eyes and childishly hope if I can’t see him maybe he can’t see me.
‘’Em oh god’’ he says as he pulls the shower curtain back to reveal me sat shivering under the running water blood trickling all over and a razor held in my shaking hand.
‘’Baby no’’ He whisper so I almost can’t hear him. He climbs into the bath so he’s sat behind me his arms pulling me closer to him.
He takes the razor from my hand flinging it across the room as he hold me in arms his body heat warming me slightly.
The sobs become louder now, I can’t hold it in anymore. I’ve been holding it all in for years and only just today let it all out.
Harry mumbles I love you’s and pet names at me as his lips run over my neck and shoulder.
His hands hold me so tight as if he never wants to let go and I hope he never does.
‘’Why baby? Why? Your supposed to talk to me not do this’’ he say his voice cracking as he tries to hold himself together.
‘’I can’t Harry, I can’t do anything. I’m so tired Harry, I’m so tired of it all. I just want it to stop, let me make it stop’’
‘’I’ll make it stop, I’m going to make it all better I promise you’’
‘’You can’t’’
‘’I will baby I will’’ He says his lips pressed to my back his curls ticking the back of my neck.
‘’I can’t keep doing this, its being too long’’
‘’ I know baby I know… you don’t have to thing will be different I promise’’
I don’t bother replying because he can’t promise things will be different, he can’t make it all go away. These things aren’t in his control, I wish they were but they aren’t.
He washes me down and wraps bandages around my thighs.
He then gets me one of his jumpers and pulls it over my head and brings me back to bed.
Pulling me under to covers he wraps his arms around me making sure there isn’t even a millimetre of space between us.
‘’I don’t know how but I will make things better’’ he says softly his breath fanning over the back of my neck.
‘’I love you’’ he says pressing his lips to my shoulder.
I nod in response I don’t even know how to talk right now so I’m just hoping he take that nod and me saying it back.
Authors note ----- thank you all so much for reading, I love you all.
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Who's heard the album? what do you think of it? I love it so fucking much its so different and so so perfect!
Sorry if this chapter was triggering I needed to write it more in depth to make it seems more clear and more real.
Please can I get 40+votes and 25+ comments on this chapter:) I don’t want to sound naggy but I got like 1 comment on the last chapter I don’t know if that’s because the last chapter was shit or what but comments really make my day and without them it lessen my confidence in my writing.
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Thank you all so much, love molly xxxx