"I don't even know myself
I wish I could be someone else"
Sam
40 weeks before Mesi woke up...
I walked through the halls, high-fiving random people and fake laughing, like that scene from a D-rated high school romance movie where they introduce the male lead that's oh-so hot and fabulous. Only problem being my life was so not a D-rated high school romance movie, as much as I wished it was. Life wasn't bad—I made varsity two years in a row, people liked me all right, and I had an amazingly gorgeous, smart girlfriend who stuck with me for some reason. But lately, everything felt like it was slipping. Like I was falling over the edge of a cliff, clawing for some purchase to grab on to so I wouldn't fall into the dark abyss that beckoned me below. I knew if I entered it, I'd never be able to leave.
I took a deep breath, pushing away all the depressing thoughts that constantly permeated my mind and letting a real grin fall onto my lips. I had a good life, I reminded myself. I was lucky to be where I was, have the friends and family and girlfriend I had. I might have needed to get back on track with school a bit, but that was nothing I couldn't handle. I was seeing Grace, my therapist, once a week and we were making progress...sort of. I wasn't really sure what most of the talking did to help, but it felt good to let some stuff out. Other stuff I still wasn't ready to talk about—and then there were the things I didn't even know about myself. Those were the worst, they tormented me in their own, unique way. They hurt worse than the rest of it all, always there and nagging, and I never knew what they were from. It was like a dark cloud popped into my head at some point, out of nowhere.
I took a right turn, walking up to my locker and putting in the code so familiar I barely had to look down to get it right. The metal door creaked as I opened it, a couple worksheets fluttering out from being aimlessly shoved on the top shelf when I needed to leave in a hurry. I pulled out my Chemistry 101 textbook, my backpack falling farther down my back as I plopped it inside.
"Sam!" someone said, clapping a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Jake smirking at me. He leaned against the lockers next to mine, arms folded and scanning the halls for some girl's ass to latch on to.
I snapped my fingers in his face after I closed and locked my locker once again, attempting to get his attention. And I did. He jumped up, quickly trying to mask his surprise. "What the hell?" he raised his voice a little, but I could tell he wasn't actually mad.
I shrugged. "If you stop looking at girls' rear ends, maybe you'd actually get to touch one. I mean, without getting slapped." He scowled at me, but I laughed. Jake needed to learn to respect girls more. He wasn't a bad guy by any means, but he had his faults when it came to the female species.
We headed towards the locker rooms, Xander joining us at some point. "Ready for a good game?" he asked.
"We're ready to pummel them, General. Or should I say Captain?" I dropped my backpack in my sports locker, taking out the duffel that held my uniform, ball, and cleats. We all started stripping, pulling shirts over heads and then slipping jerseys on in their place.
Xander shook his head and rolled his eyes. He pulled on the red and white striped band that let everyone know who the captain was, as he did every game. I knew it meant a lot to him—being captain. I was happy for him, being captain as a sophomore and all. That was amazing, ground-breaking. But at times, I was more jealous than I was a good friend to him. And what with my current state, I could feel that ugly feeling creep in, envious of his togetherness. Xander was exactly who I'd always wanted to be, but never managed to become.
The three of us stepped out onto the field to warm up as other trickled into the locker room. Pump-up music filled my ears, getting me in the mood to kick some butts out there. After a small jog and a couple drills and stretching, our coach pulled us all to the side for a pep talk, telling us the same old thing about just going out and playing the best game we could regardless of the outcome. Of course we listened, but we were all pretty set on winning. One of the guys on the opposing team had hooked up with Will, a left-wing defender named Harry's boyfriend, and we were all behind him about making him eat his actions on the field. He was going to regret messing with one of us.
As I was running on to the field to start, I looked into the crowd. It didn't take me long to spot that beautiful head of blonde hair. There she was, looking right at me and cheering me on. She sat with a couple girls from our school that I'd introduced her to before. I was glad she had someone to talk to from our school, and hoped it meant she'd want to hang out with us more. But that was just me being selfish and wanting to spend more time with her.
The game went by quickly, and as promised, we pummeled them. We won by some insane margin, going all-out to crush the striker who'd slept with Harry's guy.
I exited the locker room after the game, redressed in what I'd worn to school which consisted of jeans, a blue t-shirt and a flannel, and found Mesi waiting for me.
"Hey, gorgeous." I greeted her with a peck on the lips. I wanted so badly to deepen the kiss, but I knew it wasn't advised in school. Especially a school she didn't go to. That, and I knew the guys would be coming out soon and if they found me eating her face off, they'd never let either of hear the end of it, probably saying something about wanting to get a piece of her themselves. Geez, they were pigs sometimes. We seriously needed to have a talk about respect.
Mesi's hand grabbed mine. "What's the plan?" she asked, looking up at me with those big eyes that distracted me for a second.
"Um," I tried to think about the conversation I'd just had with the rest of the team,"I think we're going to iHop. Wanna come? I know you might feel a bit uncomfortable, but there'll be other girls there, and I'll introdu—"
"Of course I want to go, Sam. You wouldn't be able to keep me away. I want to celebrate with you guys. I want to see what you're like with you friends."
My cheeks heated up a bit. "You see me with Xander all the time."
"Yeah," she conceded,"but he's different. I want to see what you're like when you're out with 'the guys', you know?"
I really didn't. "Nope. And how's Xander different?"
She didn't get the chance to answer, because the devil himself strolled out of the locker room along with the rest of them, laughing about some joke that probably wasn't all that funny. "Ready to go?" he asked when he reached us.
I looked down at Mesi, who nodded, and said,"Yup. Let's go."
...
The place was pretty deserted, considering it was a school night. Which, of course, also meant that we weren't permitted to stay out very late. I had a history test in the morning that I still hadn't studied for, so I knew going out with the team and Mesi was a bad move on my part, but I couldn't resist. I thought, If it'll make me even a little bit happier, isn't it worth it?
And I had a lot of fun. The guys loved Mesi. She was just as sharp and witty as the day I met her, shooting down anyone who dared say something about her that was anything but a glowing complement. That was Mesi, my girlfriend.
"I'll be right back," she said, standing up from her place on the end of the booth bench. "I'm just going to the bathroom."
I nodded in acknowledgement, looking for Xander. I wanted to ask him about the history test, since I knew he'd probably been studying like crazy. History was his worst subject, so he paid a lot more attention in that class than anything else. It also meant he worked hard to memorize those fine details that popped up on a test with the purpose of pissing off everyone taking it.
But he wasn't there. At some point, he must've disappeared, and I hadn't noticed. I figured he'd either gone to the bathroom or retired for the night to make sure he got a good sleep. Xander was really responsible, just another good reason to make him captain.
I turned to my right, leaning in to Gabe to see if he knew anything about the test. He definitely wasn't studious like Xander was, but he was good at other things. For example, getting his hands on a copy of the test before it went public, if you know what I mean.
For just a couple bucks and serving of fries, he slipped a copy into my coat pocket discreetly. I felt my stomach churn at the thought of it in there, like I'd stamped cheater on my forehead. I'd never done something like that before, but I dreaded the thought of studying more than I did the thought of cheating. Which was how I ultimately made my decision to take the risk.
Xander came back fairly soon after that, scooting back into his seat. He looked a little rattled about something, staring at the ground and refusing to meet my eyes.
"Xander, you okay?" I asked. Had something happened after he left the table? I couldn't think of much that could happen in that little interval of time.
He nodded, still not meeting my gaze. I brushed it off, telling myself that he was just in a weird mood, which happened sometimes. He would never tell me why when he just suddenly shut down like that. He would drop out of social activities even more than usual for a little while, so I guess it didn't really surprise me when he pulled on his jacket and left, just like that.
Mesi scared me by sneaking up on me just as Xander walked out the door, making me jump. She giggled, giving me a bright smile before turning more serious. "Hey, do you think we could leave soon? I need to get home before my parents call the cops on you."
The guys at the table all ooh-ed, laughing and telling me that her dad was going to "beat my ass". I knew Mesi's parents weren't nearly as strict as all of that, and they probably wouldn't care about her staying out as long as she got home safely.
"Sure," I said, ignoring the team,"we can go right now."
I slipped the hand that wasn't holding Mesi's into my pocket as we left—a force of habit. But it was stopped my a folded piece of paper, slowly coming undone. It made the smile on my face fall, my hand tighten on her's, and my breath hitch. I knew it was wrong, but it meant I wouldn't have to study. And if I didn't have to study, I could do things that I like instead. And if I did things I liked instead, I would be happier...right?
A/N: Whoo! Another random update! I'm sorry, you guys deserve better. I'm so appreciative to those of you who remind me to keep it up with the writing. (I'm looking at you limitlessatkia.)
I hope you liked this chapter, though I know it wasn't great. But don't worry, things about to heat up in both Sam's and Xander's chapters. Well, I guess Xander's life is already getting pretty messy but Sam's going to have his own real problems soon enough.
All I can say is thank you guys for supporting me so much. It means a lot. Sometimes, sadly, people I talk to in real life don't care, but you guys always do. You're great. THANK YOU. Keep it up, please. Please, please, please, stay your amazing selves! I wouldn't want it any other way.
(And that song up there is "Something's Gotta Give" by All Time Low. They rock and if you don't know who they are, go listen to basically everything they've ever done. You'll thank me for it.)