Media: Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor ft. John Legend
Four mornings later, Carlen finally woke. His eyes drooped tiredly despite being asleep for a long time, or at least it felt like he did. His body felt stiff as he tried to move his limbs in an attempt to get up. How long had he been asleep? Every muscle protested painfully as he tried to sit up, even moving his toes felt foreign. Taking a deep breath as he gathered his strength, Carlen begin to dry heave painfully as his throat felt like it was closing up from being so dry.
A flash of pain to his belly made his breath hitched and he stopped dry heaving instantly, his heart skipping a beat. His palms went to his belly shakily, feeling the bump of the thick layer of bandages around his body. He stopped breathing. Where was- No. He let out a shocked shriek as his inner wolf howled sorrowfully, throwing its weight against his control and fading into his unconscious. His wolf was not having it. Their pup- was gone. How could this be?
His heart raced intensely and Carlen let out a silent sob as the ache in his belly grew. Shaking his head and blinking furiously as the tears fell from his eyes, Carlen let out a silent scream into his hand as the other clutched unsteadily onto the bandages on his stomach. He needed to see. His baby, it couldn't be gone. With shaky hands, he hurriedly ripped into the bandages, not caring that the movements were jarring his wounds.
The blood-soiled bandages lay unceremoniously on the ground in bits and Carlen flinched as he nicked a particularly sensitive part of his wound. He swayed as he stared at the raw and angry flesh, as though evidence of his punishment for not taking good care of his child, for failing as a father. He sobbed, running his hand on his belly. His baby was gone. His baby was really lost to him. He couldn't sense the baby in his body anymore.
"You're awake!"
Carlen spun around angrily at the intruder, biting his lips to refrain from throwing up at the sound of Alaric's voice.
Silence. Silence was all Carlen returned that cold hearted monster. Hate seeped through every single cell in his being. He hated Alaric's presence. He hated his scent, his voice, his existence. Alaric killed his baby. Murderer. He couldn't even look at him. Carlen's fingers dug into his palms as he balled them into fists in an attempt to control his emotions. The urge to hurl hit him again and he swallowed hard to keep it down. He needed to get out of here.
Swinging his legs over the sides of the bed, Carlen winced at a sharp pain that stabbed at his belly, faltering slightly. Alaric was instantly by his side and Carlen pushed him away harshly. Do not touch me. He glared at Alaric with every single ounce of hate he could muster. Monster. The hair on his arm rose where Alaric had touched him, and Carlen couldn't help but try to wipe away any possible trace of Alaric off of him. If he could, he would rather burn off the skin that Alaric had just touched.
Alaric backed away slightly, hurt etched onto his features. But Carlen felt no sympathy for a man like that. He deserved no sympathy. Pushing himself off the bed again, Carlen snarled when he saw Alaric's hands reaching out to him again. If Alaric touched him again, he would lose his mind, he was sure.
Alaric licked his lips nervously as he raised his hands in mock surrender, "You should not leave your bed. You've reopened your wounds. Let me get Healer Naomi. Please Carlen, please get back into bed."
When Carlen made no move to listen to Alaric, the older man reached out in an attempt to try to get Carlen back onto his bed, but Carlen wrenched his arms away from Alaric violently. He was vaguely aware that his wound had torn open at the corner even more than it did before. He could feel the warmth of his own blood soaking his clothes; the pain was starting to get unbearable, and he could feel his perspiration drip down the side of his head from clenching his teeth so hard. He needed to get away from this monster. Carlen growled as his hackles rose, his survival instincts starting to kick in and he could sense his inner wolf starting to gain more control over his consciousness. He held himself in a hug as his body shook involuntarily from the pain.
Alaric's thick brows furrowed with worry, "I know you are angry at me, I know I don't deserve to be forgiven for the things that I've done, but don't punish yourself this way, Carlen, please."
Punish himself? Carlen almost scoffed at that. The Goddess and his unborn baby will do enough of it. He swayed slightly on his feet as a surge of pain hit him and he whimpered pitifully. Who was he to decide what punishment he deserved? His incompetence killed his baby. There was no way he could be forgiven for his sin.
"Carlen, please." Alaric plead.
Shaking his head as silent tears fell, Carlen shuffled backwards away from Alaric. He stumbled slightly on his own feet and Alaric's hands shot out in an attempt to support him, but Carlen avoided his touch completely, throwing himself against the nearby window with a loud bang. Grunting at the pain that was jarring his sense, Carlen held his body weight up by clinging on the window pane. His breaths were short and rapid as he tried to focus on the situation. His consciousness seemed to waver for a bit and the growled.
He eyed Alaric's outstretched hands warily before glancing out the window. There was no escape from this monster. No escape except out the window. No escape from this life. He needed to run away, but he knew he would not be successful. Alaric would catch him even before he could take two steps over the threshold, he was sure.
He sighed weakly as he glanced at the sky, wondering if his unborn child was somewhere up in the clouds watching them, blaming him for not protecting it. He wondered if his child knew how much he had missed it, even if he never had the chance to see it, to hold it. He didn't even know if his child was a boy or a girl. He wondered briefly if the Goddess would allow him to reunite with his baby if he managed to kill himself now. He really wanted to know if he had a son or a daughter living in his body all these short while. Could he find out if he just tipped himself over the ledge?
Carlen let out a sob at the thought. His poor baby had been stabbed to death. The pain his tiny body must have felt. He was such a failure. He couldn't protect his child, his poor child that stood no chance. His child that needed him to keep it alive. He failed his baby. He was a failure. He had one duty, one simple duty, and he failed.
"Carlen..."
Alaric took two steps and engulfed the smaller man in his arms, but Carlen wanted none of it. He trashed in his arms, kicking, screeching and pushing Alaric away. Alaric fought to hold Carlen still, afraid that he was going to get hurt, open his wounds further. With all his strength, Alaric overcame Carlen's flailing arms and legs, dragging him to the bed and pinning him to the bed in an attempt to minimize his movement. He could sense that Carlen's strength was depleting fast. He must be in agonising pain by now. He could see that Carlen's eyes were becoming unfocused and his breathing was getting very shallow.
"Carlen. Carlen please. I don't want to hurt you love." Alaric begged, his eyes welling up with tears as his heart tore for his mate.
Carlen let out an incredulous breath, his body lay limp beneath Alaric's as he closed his eyes. Hurt? If only he could count the hurt that Alaric has inflicted on him. He wanted to hurl just thinking of the places that he would have to clean now that Alaric has touched him. Perhaps a good mixture of acidic potions will help him become clean again. Maybe after burning the dirt off his skin and atoning for his sins by taking his own life, his baby could forgive him for being incompetent. Carlen's vision shook as he took heavy breaths, his body feeling very weak and tingly. He was going to lose consciousness soon. Perhaps he would never wake after this.
"Carlen, I will let go of you. Promise me you will not try to move. Let me get Nana to take a look at your wounds. Please Carlen, I promise you. I can make things better. Please just don't move anymore, your wounds have torn open. You need to heal." A lone tear fell from Alaric's face onto Carlen's neck and Carlen cringed involuntarily. The churning in his stomach surged and the urge to vomit and cry uncontrollably hit him.
He barely managed to control himself as he swallowed a wave of nausea. Alaric made no move to release him and Carlen refused to let him have the pleasure of getting a response out of him, so Carlen lay where he was, unmoving. If Alaric thought he could fix this, he would have to keep trying until they turned grey and died. He was never going to give Alaric his time of day. He was going to keep his silence, pray to the Goddess, miss his baby, and repent for his sins until he drew his last breath.
Alaric, finally realising that he was not going anywhere with Carlen, moved off of his tired mate, watching briefly as Carlen curled up into himself, before backing away slowly.
Dropping his head sadly, Alaric whispered under his breath, knowing Carlen could still hear him, "I will be quick. Don't move. Please."
∞
The next time Carlen woke, he found himself unable to move at all. His arms and legs were tied down as Healer Naomi slept by his side on a chair. She looked incredibly exhausted, as though she had not rested in days. Carlen's hand twitched as he tried to reach out to touch her face. Carlen sighed as he brood over how Nana seemed to look much older than he had remembered. He shuddered slightly, suddenly realising that by now, she would have known the truth. She would have known that he had lied to her at these while. He was never raped. He was really just pregnant with his mate's child, became unwanted, and now he has lost his child. He didn't know which part of it all seemed the worst.
Knowing his mentor well, Carlen knew that she must have fussed over him ceaselessly as he slept, making sure he was well cared for and not in pain. He also knew that Nana must have forgiven him by now, and would be mourning the loss of his child as much as he has. All the stress and the worry must have worn her out.
Glancing down at his belly, Carlen felt nothing. It was strangely numb. Nana must have given him a potion or a salve for his pain. He felt no pain at all. In fact, he couldn't feel anything throughout his entire body. He didn't know how to feel about it. Was it acceptable for him to be at peace when his baby was just lost to him?
Closing his eyes, Carlen took deep breaths as he attempted to gather his thoughts. What was he going to do now? He couldn't stay here. He didn't want to be close to Alaric, to anyone who might know about him. He needed to forget this place, mourn for his baby somewhere quiet and deserted. Perhaps he could leave like he had planned with Nana? Perhaps. Perhaps Lance and- Where was Lance?
A wave of panic struck at his chest and Carlen's heart dropped. He had not heard or seen Lance at all since he had been stabbed. Gathering his senses, he hurriedly tried to pinpoint Lance's location with his senses, but to no avail. Even though he had been suppressing his inner wolf expertly for so long, he could still use some basic senses, but he couldn't even sense Lance nearby, or smell his scent. He could sense that Alaric had been by, even the Queen's scent vaguely lingered in the air, but the warrior had not been near him at all for the past few days.
Impossible. Lance would have stayed by his side. He would not have abandoned him. Would he? Carlen clenched his teeth anxiously as a wave of sorrow hit him. Perhaps Lance has now decided that he had carried enough of his burdens, and wanted nothing to do with him now that Alaric knew everything. Maybe he was finally done with him.
But Lance is not a man of this sort. He would never. He would never abandon him. He was his friend. If anything, Lance would have felt terrible that he was hurt, he would want to at least see him, even if he was planning to stay away. He would have come by at least once.
Something was wrong. Lance was in trouble.
Carlen pulled from the bounds that held him in place, grunting as he exerted as much strength as his weakened body would allow. He must find Lance, he must help him.
Alaric. This was all his doing. He knew. It had to be. Alaric was the only one who had the power to keep Lance from coming around. Carlen struggled harder against his binds, not caring that it was starting to chafe at his wrists.
The jostling and noise woke Nana up, who shrieked and engulfed Carlen into a loving embrace, "Carlen! My child!"
Carlen relaxed from his struggle for a moment to bask in the maternal embrace that comforted him. A tear fell from his eye as he thought about how he would never be able to hold his baby in his arms like that. He would never watch it grow up, never watch it cry, laugh, speak, crawl, run- Never watch it shift into its wolf self. Never watch it find its mate; never watch it have its own pups. He would never have the luxury ever again.
His pregnancy had been a miracle, forcefully accomplished by old magical spells. What were the chances that the Goddess would allow him the good fate to have another child? Worst of all, he knew he could never be with Alaric again, where, who will take Alaric's place in his life? Who would-
His inner wolf howled intensely and Carlen snapped out of his thoughts with a sharp gasp. His wolf had suddenly begin to feel fiercely anxious about Lance. "Nana-" Carlen's voice cracked from being unused for a while, "Wh- Where is Lance?"
The healer froze and looked away briefly before flashing a smile at Carlen, "He is fine, very busy since the attack. There are a lot of problems to fix you know? He is afterall, the Head Warrior serving by the King's side-"
Carlen shook his head, sensing the lies in her voice and her demeanour. It only served to make him even more concerned that he was before, "Don't lie to me Nana, please. I cannot take-"
"He is fine!" Nana insisted, pushing Carlen down so he could lay and rest.
"Nana. He is-" Carlen swallowed his saliva and frowned. What was Lance to him? A friend? A mere friend? Carlen's heart clenched tightly as Lance's face flashed in his memory, "He has not been by. This is not like- like him."
Nana scoffed, tucking her charge into his bed with more force, "What do you know about the warrior? Don't you worry your silly self with the warrior's problems. He can take care of himself; he is a big boy, a strong fighter. He will come to no harm. You just concentrate-"
"Harm? Fight? What are you saying Nana?" Carlen pushed against the hands that held his shoulders, "Is Lance in trouble?"
Ignoring her charge's question, Healer Naomi turned towards the bedside table and reached for a vial of potion that she had prepared earlier.
"Nana!" Carlen shouted, frustrated that she would not simply answer his question. He tugged at his binds harshly, wincing slightly at the dull pain on his wrist.
"Take this, it will help to calm you down." Nana said, uncorking the vial and placing it close to Carlen. But Carlen dodged the vial angrily as he glared at his mentor. "Don't make this hard Carlen, just take the potion and get some rest. Come on now."
"No!" Carlen shrieked in frustration, "I don't need to calm down! Just tell me what happened to Lance! Did Alaric do something to him? Is he hurt? What is going on?!" A burning sensation seared in his head and Carlen shook his head to try to shake it off.
Nana stood silently, staring at him with a sad look on her face and all Carlen could do was replay a scene where Lance gets stabbed to death in his mind. Had he been hurt during the attack too? Did the rebels get to him? Or did Alaric do something? The Queen? Who would have the power and ability to hurt his Lance?
"You- You have to tell me Nana. I can't- You can't let me think-" Carlen choked back a sob.
"He is alive, Carlen." Nana offered weakly, "Don't ask for him, please."
Carlen's voice shook, "Wha-What do you mean?"
Nana sighed pathetically, "Carlen, my child. Why do you always want to hurt yourself like that? The warrior is fine. He has been confined, but he is fine. The King-"
"Confined?" Carlen gulped nervously, "Why is he confined?"
Nana held Carlen's hands gingerly, "Love, this thing with you, your pregnancy. He knew, but he kept it to himself. It is the same as intentionally lying to his King Carlen, this is treason."
"Trea-Treason? I- I made him do it Nana!" Carlen shrieked, "I-I threatened him. I told him- I told him I would leave if he told Alaric. I told- I did this. Where is he? How long has he been confined? How- How long have I been out?"
Nana shook her head, "Please, just take the potion child. I'll tell you everything, I promise you."
"Untie me?" Carlen asked hopefully. He felt well enough, and he wasn't hurting. Perhaps he could go and look for Lance. Explain everything to Alaric, beg Alaric to let Lance go. Anything. Something.
Healer Naomi closed her eyes tiredly, "Promise me that you will not try to leave this room Carlen. Promise me this." She brush a strand of hair out of Carlen's face, "The King has many well trained guards outside this room. The doors, the windows, everywhere possible for you to try and leave. They will disarm you and put you to sleep with the tools they were approved to use on you. You will get hurt Carlen, you won't get far. Do you understand love?"
Carlen closed his eyes tightly. He was trapped here. Cornered. He was a prisoner in this lavish castle. "I understand."
∞
Thanks for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it!