Oddly, I found myself walking in the crowded coffee shop for the morning rush hour. After dropping Mike off at school, I decided to occupy my mind with some caffeine, a good book and the entertainment of business workers rushing in and out the door.
I couldn't help but frown... Not at them, but at myself. How come I had to be a writer?... How come I couldn't be a business woman that busy herself with work to not even care about others, nor herself. Of course, business woman has feelings; but they can easily tuck it away in a tiny box full of their imagination and dreams of adventure.
It was obvious I was still pondering about the accidental kiss. It was only twenty hours ago when Kiran kissed me and I have not yet confess to Regina about this action. There's no need.... It was just a misunderstanding, no need to make Regina mad about it....But if I do say something, I may feel better... Nah, it's like telling your mom that you accidental went outside, even though you're on punishment.... She'll still get mad...
Why is this eating me up?... Guilt, definitely guilt.. It always get to me, no matter how small or big the situation is; guilt is always having a fiesta in my stomach.
"Funny, something in my stomach told me I shouldn't have come here; but of course, I had to go against it." There she is, the woman that's making me think so hard about my relationship choices. Kiran stood on the other side of the table with her large coffee cup in her hands and a small nerves smile on her face.
I wasn't surprised that she would show up, the Café is extremely popular and has the best damn coffee in Times Square... No, I'm not talking about Starbucks...
"May I sit?" She gestured to the empty chair she stood in front of. Seeing that the café was packed, I nod my head in agreement.
"It's a free country," I shrugged my shoulders, to mainly take my mind off of how good she looks.
Ever since the kiss, I could not take my mind off how good Kiran looks. Regina... Regina looks are amazing, I can't lie about that. But Kiran gives off a innocent look that makes her stand out in the crowd... I need to stop.. I'm being stupid, like a hormonal teenage boy...
Kiran took a seat before setting her large coffee on the table. "I-I wanted to talk to you-"
"Kiran," I stopped her before she can even finish. "Let's not talk about that, let's just drink our coffee and enjoy the morning rush hour."
"I just want to say, I'm sorry." Kiran spoke out after a few seconds of silence between us.
"Kiran-"
"No, Skyler hear me out... I didn't mean too, well I did mean too; but I did not want to come off strong."
My eyebrows arched in question, "Strong?"
She nod her head yes, making her long flowing hair fall over her shoulders. "Yeah," she took a sip of her coffee.
"You do realize I'm in a relationship and even if I came off the wrong way, that doesn't mean you could kiss me. Kiran-"
"Are you happy the relationship?" Kiran suddenly asked, which made me choke on my own spit.
"Happy? Of course I'm happy." I chuckled lightly before sipping my now slightly cold tea.
"You don't seem so sure."
Happy?.. Of course I'm happy... Yeah, Regina and I have out ups&downs... Most of the time... Like any other couple, we fight... A lot...
"I'm happy," I said, once again. However, even though I say it; I don't really feel it. The happiness, I mean.. When Regina and I started dating, I just gotten out of a long marriage. The excitement of having a person that told me I can be more and gave off a bad girl persona, got into my head; I was so hung up on lust. "I'm...happy?" I said for the third time, but this time it was more like a question than statement.
Instead of helping me out like a friend should, Kiran just put her attention to her large coffee. I slowly rolled my eyes before collecting my belongings; which consist of three things.
"Leaving so soon?" Kiran questioned.
"Yes, I'll see you when I see you Kiran." With that being said, I walked out the café and the direction towards the train station.
➰
With shaky hands, I knocked three times on the heavy and thick door; hopping she'll answer. Luckily, she did- only wearing a pink tank top and booty shorts. It made me want to devour her in this empty hall. "Skyler, do you know how early it is?"
"Regina, it's noon." I stated with a small smile.
She as well gave off a small smile, "It's morning somewhere." She quickly moved aside so I can walk into her apartment. "Do you need anything? A shoulder to cry on? A ear to talk in? Pussy to eat?" Regina teased before sending me a wink.
As soon as I was in the apartment, I turn to her with one of my puppy dog faces. "Actually, I need your mercy, sympathy, and niceness."
"Niceness? What liquor did you drink this morning?"
"The liquor that's not yet kicking in," I mumbled under my breath. "Do you remember Kiran? The woman I, of course befriended."
Regina slowly nod her head and arched her eyebrows, "Yeah," she crossed her arms in front of my head cushions.
"Well, it's a funny story; we're going to be laughing at the end of this-"
Regina rolled her eyes before cutting me off, "Spit it out, Sky."
"Kiran-kissed-me-and-I-pulled-away-as-fast-as-I-could." I said extremely fast, hopping she wouldn't hear it; but nothing goes over her head.
Immediately, her face twisted as different emotions showed; confusion, anger, sadness, anger... Yeah, I said anger twice.. "What?"
"Don't get mad, I pushed her away-"
"Why would she even kiss you in the first place?"
"I-" I sighed before opening up my mouth, "I kinda lead her on, but I didn't know she would kiss me; Kiran knew I was in a relationship with you."
Regina out her index to her temples to sooth her mind, "You flirted with another woman and she kissed you; that's what I'm hearing right now."
My eyebrows arched in realization, I've never really thought of it that way. "If you out it that way..."
"I am putting it that way. Did you enjoy that, kiss?"
"Um, no. Why would I?"
Regina removed one arm from covering her breast to only slap her thigh, "Because," It seems like she was trying to get something out, but couldn't. "It doesn't seem like you're satisfied with our relationship. I feel like our relationship is one sided."
"I'm satisfied, it's just a lot of stuff is going on; you know?" I stated before taking a seat in her leather couch.
Regina took a seat as well, but took her time. "I don't think you are. We did kinda jumped into things, it was supposed to be a hook up; not a full blown relationship."
Which was true... Regina and I was not supposed to be in a relationship, more like a hook up and maybe friends if Lila made all of us hang out. Like I said, the excitement got to me- us, it got to us.
"... I don't even think this is a relationship," Regina sudden said, which made me look at her crazy. "Sex is not a relationship, Skyler. All we do is have sex on our free time instead of going out on a date."
We do have sex, a lot... "I kinda like our relationship." By easing up the mood, I chuckled and nudged her side. I've gotten a small smile out of it, but there was a still awkward feeling in the air. "This is so awkward. I've never had this type of conversation. I don't know if we're going to stay together and fix things," I intertwined my fingers as a gesture. "Or break apart."
"How about we start over." Regina suggested. "We have an actual first date and get to know each other once again. But when we're both ready."
"So-"
"So, no sex," she clarified. "That's how we gotten here in the first place."
No sex! It's like I'm getting a divorce all over again... All I could do was nod in agreement, "Okay, I can do that."
For a few minutes, we sat in silence; thinking of what to say or do. I wanted to have a conversation, but I couldn't think of anything that would lighten up the mood and when I looked at the time; I've noticed that I stayed longer than I should have. "I have to go, Mike school is going to let out in fifteen minutes."
"Oh okay, I'll talk to you sometime." Both, Regina and I stood to our feet and walked towards her front door.
I didn't know if I should give her a kiss on the cheek, hug or even a hand shake. So I just left out, not before saying a verbal goodbye.
➰
I practically jogged my way to the school grounds to see a few kids waiting for their parents and a few teachers tapping their foot from the parents lateness, as if they had a splendid life they needed to get home to. As soon as I walked through the entrance gate, I felt a pair of tiny arms hug my leg.
"You're late," Mike stated as he gave me a disapproving look.
"Sorry bud, I got caught up with time. It won't happen again." I said with all honesty. Before we left, I spoke to one of the teachers that watched over the few kids; to mainly tell them Mike is leaving. I didn't want them to think I kidnapped my own kid.
As we walked along the croaked sidewalk leading to my loft, Mike held a huge smile on his face as he sent me glances from time to time. It was cute, it was like he was going to tell me something; but won't until I acknowledge him about it. "Okay, what's on your mind?" I decided to give in.
"Since you asked, I will tell you."
I shook my head at his cuteness before saying, "Spit it out Mike, I'm not getting any younger."
"Okay okay, I have a girlfriend!" He jumped up in excitement.
All I could do was smile from his excitement. "A girlfriend?"
He nods his head yes, making his natural curls tuck out from its place. "Mhm. She's really cute."
"Is this girl, funny?"
"The funniest in the class!"
"Is she smart?"
"Smarter than me," Mike lightly chuckled as we walked into my apartment building lobby.
"Does she have special talents?"
"She can make her tongue touch her nose," Mike stuck out his tongue to demonstrate the action, but did not exactly make up to his nose, more like upper lip. "And she can name all the capitals in the east and mid-west coast."
"Really?! That's amazing. Since she can do all of that, then I have no other choice but to approve. What's her name?"
"Ann.. Ann Greyson."
"Well hopefully I will meet Ann Greyson someday." I lightly chuckled before climbing up the last step that lead us straight to my loft. However, did not go any further when I saw a not so familiar nor easily forgotten face.
A person that I thought I knew sat in front of my loft door; sitting and waiting. Her platinum blonde hair was now dull and in need of a miracle hair cut. Her body was not longer thick and skin, no longer glowing and radiant. She looked weak, and frail; as if she would break from a gentle touch. Her eyes matched her body... Tired..
I had the urge to run with Mike in my arms. I don't want him to see her in this state, in a weak position. But, I was not fast enough since he figured who she was from the start. "Momma!" He screamed before running off into her frail arms.
"Mike, oh my gosh you gotten so big." Lila stood to her feet while lifting Mike up. "I've missed you."
Mike slowly pulled away to see her face, to see the faint bruises and dark bags under her eyes. "Momma, where have you been? I've been worried sick."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to do this to you." Lila said with a pout on her face. After pulling him into another hug, her full eyes landed on me as if she was trying to say thank you with them.
I didn't utter a word... I couldn't utter a word.. I was too shocked, sad, worried and also angry. Not at them, but me. I thought I would be happy, to see Mike in his mother's arms again; but I felt the opposite.
For the past long months, I never thought Lila would come back. Also, during those months I've gotten so attached to Mike; I thought of him as my own son. So, seeing that he would be taken away from me made me feel hurt, like someone stabbed me in my heart ten times before deciding to rip it out and eat it in front of my face.
Battering my eyes to keep the tears away, I unlocked the door and lift it up so they can walk in first. Suddenly, my large loft instantly became small once I realized I didn't exactly have a hiding place.
"Thank you, Skyler." Her voice was no longer smooth and calm like a stream. More like rocks going down more pointy rocks and falling on glass; rough, and raspy.
I turned to them to see Mike was no longer in her arms. He was on his couch, sitting and emptying out his book bag; like the usual. I tried to give off a smile, but it only turned into a little frown. "You're welcome, Lila."
She too, did not wear a smile; only a grown say upon her face. "I-I'm sorry for-"
"Lila, there's no need to explain. You're back and now Mike is happy, so I'm happy that he's happy." I stated before completely changing the subject. "Are you going to stay for dinner? I was supposed to be cooking chicken, but the pack only has two quarter thighs, I can order pizza. I'm sure you missed the New York style pizza."
Lila shook her head no and said the words I've been trying to avoid. "I'm going to take Mike home."
My chest immediately started to cave in. Take him home?.. I always figured this was his home for so long. "Oh," that was all I could say in this situation.
Lila sighed before turning her head to her adorable son I grew to love as my own. "Come on Mike, pack your things."
"Where am I going, momma?" He asked in curiosity.
"Home," Lila slowly walked towards him to gather his belongings. Most of it was clothes I brought for him, considering when he first arrived, Mike only had a little amount of clothes to survive off of for a month.
It didn't take long to get him situated, since all of his stuff was already in bags and suitcases. Mike suggested that we keep them there, just in case his mother's shows up like just now. During the whole time, I could not move from the spot nor saying anything; not even a grunt in disapproval. I was shocked, and like I said; my heart was being stabbed and ripped out of me.
I wanted to cry, but kept from doing so. Even though I treated Mike as my own son, those not mean he is. Lila is his mother.. Lila raised him for over six years, I just had him for six months.. Lila sacrificed herself to give him a good life, I just spent the money I had saved up on him.. Lila gave birth to him, breast feed him, stayed up all night for him; while I- I did none of those things instead of staying up all night when he had nightmares.
I was just the caretaker... I kept repeating those words over and over again in my head as they walked out of my loft with out sharing a word. I felt Mike eyes on me when he walked past, but I didn't meet them; I was afraid I would break down and beg Lila if I could keep him. Mike is not a puppy I could just keep. Mike is a sweet, adorable, lovable kid that needs all the love in the world.
I slowly made my way to my unmade bed and flopped down on it, but instantly stood up when I felt a lump under my thin covers. As I lifted up the covers, I saw the brown bunny I gave Mike before I left for Delaware. It's mostly used for snuggling when he needs a friend to hold at night.
Even though it's not nighttime nor am I sleeping; I still held the bunny. I needed a friend to hold. This moment was definitely worse than getting a divorce... I lost a child I always dreamed of, even when Mike wasn't mine; I still felt the heartbreak a regular mother would have.
I felt so empty...