Fifty-eight
I lie awake and unable to sleep. I keep trying to close my eyes to get at least an hour, but my body doesn't allow it. Even though I have been sleeping alone in this bed for four days now, it still feels odd and foreign.
I miss Jasmine so much but I just don't know what to think of her. I feel so betrayed. From the lies, from sneaking behind my back. I just can't forget the way Ella was so upset that night. She was crying because she was so worried something bad happened to Jasmine. But Jasmine was fine—more than fine actually since she was out partying the night away.
I don't feel anger now that I think back to the situation. Instead I just feel disappointment. I really thought she was done with all of those stuff. I thought that she changed and became that amazing role model for Ella. But I was wrong.
I don't know what to do, to be honest. And I know that I can't keep avoiding this situation, but I need to come to a conclusion about how I am feeling and thinking before I can talk to her.
When it hear the birds chirping and the sun rising, that is when I say fuck it and climb out of bed. I brush my teeth and take a shower before changing into black jeans and a white t-shirt. I quickly dry my hair as best as I could with my towel before going into the kitchen.
I make a cup of coffee for myself, not having an appetite to have anything else. If I get some food in my stomach, I think it would just come right back out. I am so nervous about today. I don't think I am ready to face Nicole after almost six years, but she is coming her whether I want her to or not. I just want to get it out of the way, but at the exact same time I don't want it to happen. I am terrified of Ella's reaction. I am scared she is going to get attached to her because I don't want her to. I feel rude for saying that, but I have every right to—she is my child, not Nicole's.
I wish Jasmine is here with me right now. She would know exactly what to say to help me calm my nerves because right now my mind is buzzing with all the different scenarios that could happen.
I look at the clock and see that it is 8:30 in the morning. Nicole is coming at 11 o'clock with her fiancé.
I sit down on the sofa with my second cup of coffee as I watch the morning news channel. I hear my phone ring so I quickly go to my room to grab it before sitting back down on the sofa.
Gemma: How are you feeling?
Me: I'm so fucking nervous. I didn't get any sleep last night.
Gemma: You told Ella though, right?
Me: Uhhhh, kinda...
Gemma: What do you mean, H...
Me: I said someone is going to visit today but I didn't tell her who exactly. I'm going to do it later before Nicole comes. I was just scared of her reaction. What if I told her last night and she wouldn't be able to sleep?
Gemma: That's true, I suppose. But you have to tell her—and not right the second before they come!
Me: I know.
Gemma: So how are you feeling about Jasmine?
Me: I don't know...
Gemma: Lauren told me how she's doing. Do you want to know?
Me: Yes.
Gemma: She said that Jasmine is extremely guilty. She knows what she did was very wrong. She is getting help for smoking addiction and she's volunteering for Action For Children.
I read the text three times. Instead of typing in a reply, I call her phone.
"Is she actually doing all that?" I ask when my sister answers. I take another gulp of coffee.
"Yes, she is. I even had lunch with her yesterday."
"You did?!" I almost did a spit take then and there.
"Yeah. I went with Lauren for lunch on our break and she forgot that she already had plans to have lunch with Jasmine. So we just had lunch together, the three of us."
"Thanks for telling me," I sarcastically say.
"I'm sorry, I've been so busy lately."
"It's okay," I wave it off. "But how was she. Like how did she look?"
"She looked great actually." She's fine while I'm here sulking. "Well, not great, great, but she seemed more composed with herself like she finally got everything together. She talked about the kids she was volunteering with and the counselling sessions. She hasn't had another smoke but there has been many times when she was craving one," Gemma pauses. I didn't realize I have been holding my breath. "She's apologized again to me. She said how she wanted to text you and call you many times but respected your space. She's really sorry, Harry."
"How do I know that she won't go back into old habits?" I voice my fears. I don't think Ella can handle it if Jasmine does it again— I don't think I can handle it.
"That's just going to be a risk you'd be willing to take. I know you are scared, Harry, but she needs you. She can't do this alone. She needs your support."
It is just then that I realize how cruel I was to her. I can't believe I didn't think about how hard this must have been for her. I should have heard her out. I should have let her know that I will be there for her while she got help. But I didn't do that. I let out a ragged exhale as I fist my hair. I feel extremely guilty.
"Was I wrong to have acted like that?" I ask her, desperate for her advice. I just feel so lost with everything.
"No, not at all. You were doing what you thought was right for Ella. You wanted to protect her from another person hurting her." I nod my head. I see Ella coming out of her room and enter the washroom. I think about her and how she was acting the past few days. She misses Jasmine a lot.
"Thank you so much, Gemma," I say when I finally gathered all of my thoughts.
"You know what you are going to do?" She asks me.
"I do."
"Then no problem."
"How are you doing? What have you been busy with?" I ask her, not wanting this conversation to only be about me.
"I had a lot of articles to write—I still have two more to do by Tuesday. But I'm on track now, which is good."
"And how's Alex and little James doing?"
"They're great. James danced to music last night for the first time. It was so adorable—I got it on video so I will show it to you next time we meet."
"I'd love to see that video," I can't help but smile. "I remember the first time Ella did that. I can't believe that was so long ago, it felt like yesterday."
"I know, they grow up so fast."
"Too fast," I exhale. I hear the tap turn off and Ella walking down the hallway to the living room. "I've got to go now, I'll text you later to let you know how it went."
"Okay, bye. Good luck!"
"Thank you. Bye," I say before hanging up. Right as I put my phone beside me, Ella comes walking in. "Good morning, Ella," I open my arms as she walks in them, giving me a tight hug.
"Morning, dada." I see her look around the room before a frown rests on her face. "When is Jazzy coming back?" My heart shreds from her words. "I miss her."
"I know, baby. It's just that Jazzy and I need to have a little chat first, that's all," I try to reassure her.
"Okay."
"What do you want for breakfast?" I ask as we walk into the kitchen.
"Pancakes, please."
After I make her two pancakes and hot chocolate, I set them on the table in front of her. I take a seat on the opposite end. I try to think of the words I am going to say, but the words don't sound right inside my head. There's no easy way of saying it.
"Ella?" I start saying as she stuffs more pancakes in her mouth. She looks up at me, waiting for me to go on. "You know how I said how two people are coming today?" I ask. She nods her head. "Do you know who's coming?" She shakes her head. "You've always wanted to meet your mum, do you still want to meet her?" I ask slowly before chewing on my lip. Ella swallows her food and stares at me with her eyes wide.
"I'm going to meet my mummy?" She asks so quietly. I carefully nod my head as I try to think of what could be going on in her head. I grow worried when I see her frown.
"What's wrong?"
"But I have Jazzy. She feels more like a mummy to me." I feel a weird feeling bubble up inside my stomach.
"But she wants to see you, is that okay?" Ella nods her head.
After breakfast, Ella changes out of her pyjamas. She now has black leggings, the dress I got her for Christmas, along with the flower neckless Jasmine got for her. As she watches some TV programs to pass the time, I braid her hair into a French braid on the back of her head. But after, when I am sitting on the sofa with nothing to do, I grow more and more nervous as each minute that passes by. So I try to preoccupy myself by cleaning up the flat, but I still can't get rid of these worrying thoughts.
When I see it is half past ten in the morning, I couldn't handle it anymore. I realize that I am too nervous to do this by myself. I need someone here with me. I need Jaz with me.
I pull out my phone and open up our texts. I see our little conversation we had on Wednesday.
Minnie 🐭💜: Hey, Harry. I know you don't want to talk to me right now. And I completely understand why. I shouldn't have hurt you like that. I'm truly sorry. I want to let you know that I'm going to be living with Lauren for now, and I won't bother you and Ella. I'm willing to wait however long until you are ready to talk to me. Good luck for Saturday. I love you. x
Me: I just need some time to think things through.
Minnie 🐭💜: I understand. xx
And that it.
I take a deep breath and start typing on the keyboard.
Me: Hey, Minnie. Are you busy right now?
Thankfully, she doesn't take long to reply.
Minnie 🐭💜: No, is everything alright?
Me: Do you want to come over? I'm ready to talk.
Minnie 🐭💜: Sure. When should I come?
Me: Now, if you can, please.
Minnie 🐭💜: Okay, I'm on my way.
:
I stand outside of the door to my flat waiting for Jasmine to come. I close the door behind me since I want to talk privately without Ella hearing. I wait a few seconds and soon see her walk through the doors from the stairway. I give her a small, nervous smile as she walks to me. She still looks absolutely beautiful.
"Hey," I say as she stands beside me, slightly leaning against the wall.
"Hey," she says in return with a nervous grin also on her face.
"How are you?"
"I'm alright. I've been smoke-free and alcohol-free for four days now."
"I really proud of you," I honestly say.
"Thank you. I'm proud of myself too," she gives me a small smile. "But I'm really sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have lied to you about the party— I shouldn't even have went there in the first place. I also should have been honest with you from the beginning and told you that I've picked up smoking again. But I was just so worried about your reaction that I hid it—which was stupid...I know I'm not the best person for Ella, but I'm going to try to be from now on." She looks at me with so much meaning and sadness in her eyes.
"I was really hurt, to be honest with you," I had to mention. Jasmine nods her head. "But I also should have reacted differently. I should have heard you out and asked why you started smoking again. I should have been there for you. I should have been by your side as you booked a counselling appointment, and I should have been the one to drop you off on the day...Why did you start smoking though?" I couldn't help but ask. I need to know what it was.
"I was stressed," she shakes her head. "I know that's not a good excuse at all. But I just felt so overwhelmed—I felt like I was doing a terrible job with Ella. I made her late and I didn't know what I was doing wrong for her to be acting weird with me. And then I was so stressed studying for my exams—I don't know," she looks down at the ground feeling ashamed of herself. I felt upset at myself for now knowing about this.
"I should have seen the signs, Jaz. I'm sorry. I should have done more than just ask you once if everything was fine." I look down at her hands and grab them with my own. I squeeze them slightly before bringing them up to my lips to kiss her knuckles. "I missed you. Ella missed you too."
"I missed both of you as well." Craving her warmth and her touch, I open my arms and wrap them tightly around her body. Jasmine hugs me back just as tight.
"So does this mean you forgive me?" She whispers as we continue hugging.
"Yes." I pull away from the hug and cup her jaws in my hands. I press our lips together as Jasmine holds the back of my head, instantly deepening the kiss. I can't help but smile, feeling so relieved.
But a few seconds later, my phone starts ringing from my back pocket. We both let out a groan as we pull away. I look at the screen and see it is Nicole.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Hey, Harry. We are just parking right now."
"Okay, I'll head down now," I say before hanging up. I look at Jasmine and see her looking at me with worry.
"Are you okay?" She asks me.
"I'm really nervous," I admit as we enter the flat.
"It'll be okay," she reassures me. "You can go down and I'll wait here with Ella—wait, she does know who's coming, right?" She whispers. I nod my head.
"Jazzy?!" Ella comes running out of her room with a wide grin on her face.
"Hey, Ellabear," Jasmine kneels down as Ella crashes her into a hug. I smile as I see them with smiles on their faces.
"I'll be back, okay, Ella?" I tell her. She nods at me before hugging Jasmine again.
I exit the flat and close the door behind me before taking the stairs down to the foyer. I see two people standing in front of the locked door. I continue walking to them, knowing it's Nicole and Eric, but I couldn't help stop walking for a brief second when I recognize the face I haven't seen in 6 years. She looks exactly the same, but instead her hair is now brown instead of blonde. And she is smiling as she talks to her fiancé.
It's just so weird. It doesn't feel like this is real at all.
When I open the door for them, that is when she finally looks at me. Her eyes widen as she scans all my features. I do the same to her now that I am standing a few feet away.
"Harry," she says and takes a step towards me, opening her arms. She wraps them around me in a tight hug. I am taken aback at first, but I hug her back. "It's been so long."
"It has," I say as I take a deep breath.
"Harry, this is my fiancé Eric. And Eric, this is Harry," Nicole introduces us. I finally look at Eric with a polite smile on my face as I shake his hand. He is tall, probably two inches taller than me. He has tanned skin with short dark brown hair that is gelled up in the front.
"Nice to meet you, Eric," I say.
"Nice to meet you too, Harry," he says in his American accent with a smile on his face.
As we walk to the elevator I can't help but feel slightly awkward. After all, this is my ex who basically ran away from me and Ella so many years ago. And now she's back. I press the elevator button and turn towards them, seeing Nicole's hand resting on her stomach. I suddenly remember she is pregnant.
"How many weeks are you?" I ask as I look at the growing baby bump.
"Twenty weeks," she smiles. She looks back down at her stomach, the smile still on her face as she rubs circles on the roundest part.
"It's a girl," Eric says, joining her by putting his hand overtop Nicole's.
"Oh, wow. Congrats," I say as we step into the elevator.
During the short ride up, all I'm thinking about is how unfair this is. Right now Nicole is showing her baby so much love and affection for her baby. But when she was pregnant with Ella, it was the complete opposite. And it hurts me because her baby is going to grow up with a mother and a father, while my baby girl only had me. Her classmates and friends would always ask where her mother was, and Ella would always reply with "I don't know." It's not fair.
When we step into my flat, Jasmine and Ella stand up and walk to the door to greet our guests. Ella hides behind Jasmine's body since she is not familiar with them. I look at Nicole and see her tear up at the sight of my daughter.
"Nicole, Eric, this is my girlfriend, Jasmine, and my daughter, Ella. Jaz, this is Nicole and Eric." I kneel down in front of Ella. "Els, this is..." I pause briefly. "This is your mum and her boyfriend, Eric."
"Nice to meet you," Jasmine shakes their hands as I stand up. I see Ella still staring at me.
"It's okay," I say, giving her a small reassuring smile.
Nicole takes a step forward and kneels down, looking at my little girl. Ella looks like she doesn't know how to react. But there is a hint of shock and nervousness in her features.
"Ella, baby," Nicole says as tears start to roll down her face. She holds a hand out for Ella to take but she just hides more behind Jasmine's legs. Eric helps her up as Jasmine and Ella sit back on the sofa. I hand Nicole a tissue and offer them tea as they take off their shoes and coats.
"No, thank you," Nicole says.
"Water would be great, thanks," Eric replies. I quickly grab a glass and pour some water from the Brita Filter. I hand it to Eric as he sits down beside Nicole on the second sofa in the living room. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," I say with a small smile before sitting down on Ella's left. "Are you both comfortable? Do you need anything?" I can't help but ask.
"I'm alright, thank you," Nicole says, as she looks at me, observing my features once more. "You look exactly the same. Just your hair is longer," she says with a light smile.
"I could say the same for you, except yours is shorter," I let out an awkward chuckle.
She then looks at Ella again and her face turns into one of remorse. "I really like your dress, Ella. It's very pretty," Nicole smiles, hoping that she can get Ella to talk to her. I look at my little girl and hold her hand to let her know she is okay and safe. She looks up at me and I give her a nod.
"Thank you," she quietly says. "I got it from Father Christmas on Christmas."
"That's nice, I think you look very beautiful in it."
"Thank you," Ella quickly glances at Nicole before looking down at her hands.
I don't know why but I sort of feel bad for Nicole. She looks extremely guilty—she's probably thinking about how she would do anything to go back in time to change her actions.
"Ella is doing great in school. She had a spelling test the other day and she was one away from perfect, right, Els?" I ask her with a smile on my face. Ella nods her head, a tiny smile creeping from her great accomplishment. "She also got an award in her class for being her being so kind and caring to her classmates."
"That's amazing," Nicole tears up again. Eric rubs her back as I hand her more tissues. "I'm sorry—it's the hormones." The four of us chuckle lightly.
"It's okay, don't worry about it," I reassure her.
"Dada, can I go to the washroom?" Ella asks me.
"Of course, sweetie." She gets up from the sofa and walks down the hallway to the washroom at the end.
"She's a really great kid, Harry," Nicole says. "You did a great job raising her."
"Thank you," I honestly say.
"I'm sorry about everything, Harry. It was so unfair to have abandoned you and Ella like that. My parents—they just made me want to do anything for them to love me again. And the two of you were that price," she looks down in shame, another wave of tears coming through. "I regret it every single day. I'm so sorry, Harry. You really didn't deserve that." I take a deep breath from her apology. I always remember being so angry at her for running away from us, but if that didn't happen, my life wouldn't be the way it is right now—and right now I am happy with Ella and Jasmine in it.
"It's okay," I look at her. "We were only 18 and you were in a tough situation."
"I know, but I still feel terrible about it."
"There's no need to be. I forgive you," I say, truly starting to feel myself let go of all the anger I carried with me for many years. "I think you already suffered enough years of guilt, yeah?" I ask with a light-hearted chuckle. Nicole chuckles too, a genuine smile on her face. "Plus, I know you are going to give her a lot of love," I nudge my head to her baby bump.
"I am," Nicole agrees, looking at Eric. He smiles at her and squeezes her hand.
"Also, Nicole. What I recently learned is that you need to forgive yourself. It's just as important as forgiving others. Guilt is one of the most toxic things you can keep inside of yourself," Jasmine tells her with so much meaning in her voice. I realize it is because of what happened earlier this week.
Ella comes back from the washroom as we continue talking. I ask them about their wedding and Eric says they are going to get married in three months. Nicole also gets to know Ella a bit more by asking her more questions and Ella replies back as she warms up more to Nicole. After another hour of talking, we take a picture with just the three of us so Ella can have a picture with her biological mother.
"Bye, Harry. Thank you so much for letting me do this. It made me have that closure I needed," She says as she hugs me.
"You're welcome. But I know it also gave me and Ella that closure as well." She gives me a grateful smile.
"Good luck with the future. I wish you all the best with you and Jasmine. And keep doing what you're doing with Ella."
"Thank you, I wish you all the best as well. Congrats on the baby and the marriage."
Ella gives Nicole a hug goodbye as I give one to Eric. Jasmine also greets them farewell as we watch them climb in their rented car and drive off.
As we walk back into the building, I feel a huge amount of weight slip off of my chest. I feel good—really good. I feel relieved that Nicole didn't suddenly want to get back into Ella's life, and Ella with wanting her mother back into hers. I feel satisfied and happy that everything turned out the way it should've. Ella met her biological mother, Nicole met her daughter, and Nicole and I got the closure we desperately needed.
Most importantly, Jasmine and I are on good terms again.
===================
don't worry guys, nicole is gone and out of their lives :) but just two more chapters + epilogue left!
after this story finishes, I am going to start writing a new story called the script. the story is already posted on my profile so it would mean a lot if you can check it out, give it a vote and add it to your library :) it's about charlie and harry starring together in a romance movie, but they do not get along at all. and i think i'm going to make the movie in the story based on amethyst because why not :p
love you so much, thank you for everything that you do—you're amazing! stay lovely xx.
~ May <3