I've been by myself for the past twenty years, they don't phase me
You would think the weekend would leave me feeling refreshed, and ready for school/work week, but when Monday morning came along, I was honestly wishing I could just fall back to sleep.
I hated all my Monday classes, and I honestly wasn't in the mood to go to any of them. But, if was only the second week of school, and I needed to at least act like I cared about bar graphs, and data, and whatever the hell Statistics was even about. To be quite honest, I was probably going to sit near the back and catch some sleep that I missed out. Sunday wasn't really exciting--I hung out with Colby mostly because I didn't want to see, or talk to anyone about what happened at the game. I know they heard about it--my phone was filled with unread messages from Nia, Alisha, Adele, and even Martina, questioning how I was doing.
Truth is, I had no idea how I was doing.
Yes, the conversation I shared with my parents definitely opened my eyes a lot more, but that didn't make what they did any less terrible. This wasn't something that you could just push under the rug and handle another day--I had a brother that probably didn't know a thing about me. But hopefully, all of that would change in a matter of days. I had my whole plan set up for today. I was going to go through practice and be on my best behavior. That meant if Carmen was to come for me, I was going to hurt that little girls feeling.
After practice, I'd make my way to Coach Liz's office, and in the most respectable tone I could muster up, I was going to ask her about her son, and his relationship with my father. Coach Liz was nothing like my parents, and I feel like she'd give me a much more raw and truthful explanation because unlike my parents, she had nothing to lose. Hopefully, from there, I'd get in contact with my brother, and maybe start a relationship.
But, that will all fall in place, once I talk to Coach Liz.
It was clear my parents didn't want anything to do with this reconciliation of sorts with my brother, so they wouldn't have to be there when and if it happened.
That only made it easier for me--less problems.
Swinging my book bag over my shoulder, I pocketed my phone and headed out the door. Now that I knew where all my classes were, and just about how long it takes for me to walk there, I no longer needed to wake up earlier than planned. That, however, didn't mean that I wasn't tired, because as mentioned before, I was hella tired.
Deciding I had enough to time to stop at the cafe, I made my way inside and much to my delight, they were serving something good. Sometimes the cafe would be slacking with their menu options (and I think that was just so we could spend more money on food at the Chic Fil A on campus), but today, their sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit was actually looking decent. I was hoping I could just swipe my card and move on with my journey to class, but per usual, things don't normally work my way.
It's been a week since I've heard from Sonny, and I was actually starting to believe that maybe this little infatutation he had for me had disappeared. But lo and behold, Sonny made his way up to me after I purchased my breakfast. Sighing, I continued walking, unwrapping my biscuit and taking a bite as I did so.
"So weird how we meet here, right?" Sonny questioned me.
He walked alongside me, and it was very unconvient that we shared the same class together, because that meant that he had no other option (you know, other than leaving) but to walk with me.
"It's kind of like you're stalking me," I revealed. "And it's not a good look." It wasn't that I was a mean person, but there was something about the persistence of his character that just made him more annoying than attractive. Sonny sighed, and didn't say anything for awhile. The silence was more comforting than it was awkward, and when we finally did arrive at the classroom, he went in his own corner, and I went in mine. Tossing my empty biscuit wrapper in the trash, I got myself situated for today's class.
Per usual, it was boring and I hardly understood anything that was being spoken from the professor's mouth. I didn't really struggle with Statistics in high school, but it wasn't something I was fluent in. So putting me in a college level class was definitely a dumb move for Howard University. Sighing, I turned off my voice recording app before giving it a quick name and tossing my phone into my book bag again.
"Let's not forget we have our first online test this Thursday! Testing ends at midnight and will be the first grade in your class, so make sure you guys study, and do good!"
I wasn't too excited about the test, but it was only Monday and I would surely have time to think about it later on. I decided against panicking immediately, and instead checked around my area to make sure I had not left anything, but before beginning to exit the classroom.
"Okay, hear me out?"
"I knew it was all too good to be true." I responded with amusement in my tone as Sonny made his way up to me. Knowing better than to fight his company, I found myself actually attempting to listen to what he had to say for once.
"I know you don't understand Statistics, but I do. I could definitely tutor you--no funny business involved. Just two people studying." Sonny offered. I made a face, and inwardly rolled my eyes as we exited the building. The hot almost-fall air hit my face, and I squinted my eyes at the severity of the Sun. "What makes you think I don't understand Statistics?" I questioned him. Was it that obvious that whenever our professor opened her mouth, it was like she was talking a foreign language to me? Sonny scoffed. "I can see your face whenever we're introduced to something new. You don't get it--you don't have to embarrassed by it."
"I'm not embarrassed about it--but this is probably just another scheme for you to try to take me out, and I'm not falling for it." I revealed.
"Sage you're not underst--"
"There's nothing to understand. I honestly want nothing to do with you at the moment, and for some reason, you can't take the pretty obvious hints. And the fact that you keep making attempts to talk to me is getting kind of weird. Don't you have friends or something?" I finished with an exaggerated roll of my eyes before pouting and crossing my arms. Sonny didn't look too happy with my little rant and proceeded to shake his head. "All I was trying to do was help you. You don't have to be such a bitch about it." Sonny turned on his heels and left me with my mouth open at his comment.
I've honestly never been called a bitch before, and for Sonny, the same dude who was pestering me just so he could get my number, to call me that only proved my decision to not associate myself with him.
I passed Statistics by myself in high school, and I'm sure I could do it again in college.
Huffing, I rolled my eyes and continued my journey.
I wasn't going to let him, ruin my day.
History and Philosophy of Dance sounded boring, and during certain moments of class, it was just that. However, the short little documentaries we would watch in between readings definitely made of for that.
I was more of a visual/hands-on learner, so the videos definitely gave me a chance to further understand the roots of dance. Plus, they were pretty entertaining. That class went by quickly, and I think it had a lot to do with the videos we watched. Mrs. Anna Maria was an extremely chill teacher, so she let us out around five (maybe eight) minutes earlier than usual. I was glad--I needed to eat something light before practice. Despite the fact that I had been ignoring the girls text messages, I did see one that was essentially letting me know that we were all going to sit down in the cafe after practice. Alisha sent the message, and she let us know that she had something to tell us, and I found myself a little curious to know what it was.
Claire seemed a lot happier than usual, and I could only assume that this had something to do with the talk that her and Alisha had done Saturday after the game. I'm not sure if that situation had anything to do with what Alisha was planning on telling us today, but if it did, I definitely had my words of encouragement already ready to be used.
"You're on your way to practice?"
"I will be in about five minutes." I spoke into my phone as I attempted to tie my hair up in a ponytail. I was still rocking my natural hair, but this time without the clip ins. This made reaching the high top knot I usually rocked a lot difficult, but I was determined to do it anyway.
"What, you struggling with your hair or something?" Colby questioned, and I couldn't help but giggle.
"You know me so well," I laughed as I wrapped what felt like the tenth hair tie around my hair before looking satisfied at my reflection in the mirror. "Nia called today, and she was curious to know how you're doing. You know--with the whole sibling thing." Colby revealed. I was actually kind of surprised that Nia went as far as to ask Colby. Definitely proved that her friendship was genuine, and maybe I owed her--along with the rest of them some information.
"What did you tell her?" I questioned.
Colby didn't know much about the situation either--he only knew what I allowed him to know. Sure, it was more than what Nia, Alisha, and Adele knew, but I doubt it could actually help them in whatever way they were hoping for.
"I just told her you were managing with the situation. I didn't know how much you wanted me to tell so I kinda just left it at that." Colby responded, and I sighed. It was a good response, and even though the statement was trivial, it definitely made me realize just how much Colby had my back. We haven't been dating for a while--a couple weeks actually, but it felt as if we had known each other for such a long time. It was a feeling I wasn't use to, but definitely a comforting one.
"This is so weird," I spoke out of nowhere as I shoved one shoe onto my foot. Colby laughed on the other end before questioning my statement.
"I mean, it's just weird how we went from knowing nothing about each other, to dating in less than a month. That's the fastest a guy has ever made a move on me." I revealed.
My second shoe was on, and I swung my dance bag over my shoulders before exiting the dorm room. I had time to get to the studio, so my pace wasn't necessarily quickened, but fast enough that I wasn't dragging my feet.
"Well, I guess we just decided there wasn't any time for games." He spoke, and I couldn't help but reminisce back to the first time I let him know I liked him. Despite it being semi-recently, I couldn't help but cower away from the thought as if it was a childish mistake I made a couple years ago. I couldn't necessarily lie, I was happy I had said what I needed to say. Maybe if I hadn't, Colby and I would be dancing on that thin line of friends, or partners.
"You're right. No games over here. I like it though--this whole relationship that is." I responded. I did like the relationship. It was rather chill, and so far there hasn't been any situation that made me regret my decision, or feel as if we made moves too quickly. Of course, there was going to be plenty of arguments and disagreements in the long run, but as of right now, I was happy with the lowkey-ness of our relationship. If everything worked out as planned, we would grow our relationship privately, before promoting it to the world.
"I like it too. Not even going to lie, I wasn't the most serious when it came to relationships before but there's something about you that makes me want to be on my best behavior." Colby's voice was laced with amusement, and I smiled at his truthfulness. "I remember the first time we met and you had some chick laid out on your lap. I knew you were trouble." I recalled, thinking back to my first college party on campus.
"And I remember you came through looking bad as hell in that skin tight outfit. I hope you know you're beautiful Sage."
If I wasn't smiling before, I was definitely smiling now.
I knew I was cute--my friends told me that, my mother told, people on Instagram told me that, but hearing the word 'beautiful' from a male, a male that I actually adored, made me feel as if I was Beyonce or someone of the liking.
"And you're quite the handsome man yourself, Colby." I complimented.
I stopped my walking and looked up at the dance studio. Colby and I's conversation was going so well that I totally forgot about my plan today. For some reason, I was a little hesitant about the whole thing despite the fact that I had went over it a hundred and one times. Even though there was nothing for me to worry about, I was definitely worrying.
"I'm at the studio." I spoke into the phone, sighing.
"Don't even trip about it, babe. I know you're nervous, but you want and need answers. You need the closure to move on. If anything, you know I, along with your friends, are here for you a hundred percent. You don't have to worry about anything." Colby mentioned. As if he was the cure to all my issues, I found myself relaxing a little bit.
"You're right. I'll talk to you later on tonight, okay?" I responded.
"I'll be waiting on your call. Good luck, Sage."
Click.
With a more positive attitude than I had before, I found myself walking into the studio.
"This week, I will not be tolerating any games from any one of you guys. This is our first away game, and we will be going against one of our rivals in both basketball, and dancing. Hampton University has had their eye out for us since the season started, and though we aren't necessarily going against their dance team--we are.
For that reason, I will be moving placement around in a specific order. Stronger dancers will be in the front, and weaker dancers won't be dancing."
The studio fell to a hush. The chatter that had been going on before, had stopped now and everyone had their eyes on Coach Liz. We had all been expecting this day--the day where some of us would be denied the privelege to dance at a game, but none of us had expected it to be this soon. It was only the what, fourth game? I knew I was a strong dancer, so I didn't necessarily feel worried about that. I was moreso worried about whether or not Coach Liz was going to take her anger out on me today.
"Despite what happened the last time we tried this stand, I still really want to do this one, primarily because it is my favorite. And I can't think of a better person to lead this stand, along with the other ones I have in mind this week than Sage Whitehead." Coach Liz's eyes fell onto mine, and I couldn't help but sigh a sigh of relief. Now, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I was dancing this week--I was leading.
"We are going to do something a little different today. Sage--I want you and Martina to lead practice today. Keep an eye out on all the strong dancers you have in mind for this week, because your suggestions will matter for once." Coach Liz finished. With one final look at Martina and I, she went back into her office.
I eyed Carmen who had been standing beside Martina, and she looked a little annoyed that I was taking her position today. I sent her a look. Not a friendly or pitiful look, but a look that told her that I was watching her. I know Carmen, and I know she wasn't the type of person to just let things go. She definitely had something up her sleeve, and whatever it was, it needed to end right now.
I was in charge this week, and if I had it my way, she wouldn't be dancing at all.
"That's it for practice today. Make sure you go over the routine for tomorrow when Martina and I begin our evaluations!" I called to the dancers. Adele, Alisha, and Nia didn't go in the same direction as the rest of them, and instead made their way towards me. I sent them a small smile, not quite sure what I should say since the four of us haven't really talked in a minute. I mean, it's only been two days, but I'm so used to talking to these girls every single minute of the day.
"Hey, you." Adele spoke, taking her hand and pushing a fallen strand of hair out of my face. "Sorry I've been such a terrible friend lately." I began, ready to begin my 'sorry' statement. Nia cut me off, however, with a raise of her hand. "It's totally okay. We know you needed sometime, and we're more so worried about you." Adele spoke. I waved it off as if I was okay, when in reality I just needed to get to Coach Liz's office before she left for the night.
"I'm fine, honestly. I just need to talk to Coach Liz about something before I make any drastic decisions. I'll meet you guys at the cafe?"
"What does Coach Liz have to do with any of this?"
It was clear they had no idea the whole story, just the fact that I wasn't an only child anymore. I waved off the conversation. "I'll explain everything at a later time. I really can't miss Coach Liz today though," I warned. Thankfully, they let me go and I promised them I'd be at the cafe as soon as possible. Taking a deep breath, I stopped in front of Coach Liz's door. I had been in her office at least twice before, but this time it felt different. Sending one quick prayer, I knocked on the door and awaited for Coach Liz to answer.
She looked a little confused to see me, but welcomed me in nonetheless.
"Sage, how are you?"
I shrugged lightly before sitting down on the chair adjacent to hers. I had had this whole conversation planned out before, but sitting here now, my mouth felt dry and I felt totally unprepared. Maybe it was a bad idea for me to come out here in the first place.
"Look, I found out about your son--my half brother?" I began.
At the mention of her son, Coach Liz somewhat froze in the middle of tidying up her desk and looked at me. She bit her lip and shook her head. "I'm so sorry." She whispered. I didn't know what she was apologizing for. It wasn't like she had lied to me for eighteen years. It was weird how the first thing she did was apologize, when my parents had to let me know their reasons first, and in the end, I didn't get an apology from them. "My dad told me part of the story--he told me how you guys were essentially friends with benefits?"
"He said that?"
"That's what I implied from his story."
Coach Liz shook her head. "It's more than that, Sage. I hope you don't think I'm some kind of home wrecking whore because I'm definitely not that. I cared for your father, I really did. And the whole time we were together, I had no idea he was with Savannah. I wish I could apologize to her, I really do. But it's like every time we're together, she's bombarding me with insults." Coach Liz revealed sitting herself down on her desk. "You cared for my dad? Were the feelings mutual?" I questioned. My dad definitely made it seem like they were strictly having sex, and then this big mistake happened along the way. Coach Liz revealing she had feelings for my dad didn't really change much, but it definitely made my half brother seem less of a burden in a way.
"I thought they were. When we weren't, you know, sleeping together, we'd hang out and watch movies. Very similar to what you children are doing nowadays. I thought there was going to be something more to us. I thought that we'd be married even, despite how strange that sounds. But when I got pregnant, and I told him, the first thing he did was let me know how our child would not be wanted, and I wasn't even wanted by him. That was the first time I ever heard about Savannah.
For the longest I thought about abortion. I kept making up excuses for why I couldn't do it when in all honesty, the only reason why was the fact that I wanted to have this baby. I had the money and the time to get the abortion and I didn't. Not because I wanted to trap Charles, but because I thought maybe this baby would give me a piece of him." Coach Liz paused and shook her head. "It's funny--nowadays I want Samir to look nothing like Charles."
"That's his name? Samir?" I questioned. It was the first time I had heard of that name, and it felt comforting to finally have a name the face.
Coach Liz nodded and turned around, grabbing a picture frame from behind her before presenting it to me. In the picture you could see a young Coach Liz--not too young, but young enough. She was standing besides a tall guy who's skin tone was a golden brown color, somewhat resembling the color of the Earth. He was smiling, and holding what looked like a basketball trophy. Coach Liz looked proud and he--Samir, looked just as happy. In this picture, you could definitely see the resemblance between the two of us. We both shared my dad's almond shaped eyes that definitely gave off the hooded illusion. He had my dad's nose, and his tall physique, but it seemed like everything else was definitely Coach Liz's.
"When he was born, I remember calling Charles. I'm sure he'd deny it, but he sounded truly happy about the birth of his son. I remember him asking when would be the best time to fly out, and I got happy thinking my son was going to grow up with his father in his life. But, things changed and Savannah got her wish and I was out of Charles life for good. The only time I hear from him is every month when I get a child support check in the mail." Coach Liz concluded, and I looked up at her.
"Does he know about my dad?" I questioned.
"Bits and pieces. He's gotten to an age where he doesn't care to know him, and I'm honestly kind of glad. I thought that before Samir turned eighteen he'd at least had met his father once, but it's clear no one in the Whitehead family wants anything to do with him."
"I do." I mentioned. This was the perfect gateway for me to mentioning possibly having a relationship with Samir. Coach Liz didn't looked surprised by my sudden outburst. I'm sure she was somewhat expecting me to act on it, I mean, why else would I have came to her office? "Do your parents know?" She questioned. I nodded. "They know, and they want nothing to do with it. But I'm eighteen now, so I technically don't need their permission." I responded.
"I wasn't going to ask for you to get their permission. At this point, I could care less about your parents--no offense. I've been by myself for the past twenty years, they don't phase me." Coach Liz mentioned, and her sentimental attitude was out the door, and it was replaced with her sassy, nonchalant look again. I was more comfortable having it this way, and I think it was because I wasn't that good at comforting people anyway.
"If you want to meet my son--your brother, you can. He'll be on campus a lot lately. For some reason his admission process at Baltimore College didn't go through correctly, so we're trying to work that out before his classes start." Coach Liz revealed.
"Why didn't he just apply to Howard? I'm sure he would've have some kind of benefits considering your role here." I questioned.
"Oh wouldn't you like that? I don't know--I guess he doesn't want me to be basically in his college life. I'm sure you would've made the same decision, right?"
I nodded.
She was right. I doubt I would even consider going to a college that my mother worked at. That was practically asking for a babysitter and college was suppose to be full of mistakes, and you definitely couldn't make mistakes with your mother on campus.
"Well, next time you see him, please get in contact with me?" I practically begged. This probably wasn't a big deal to her--Coach Liz wasn't related to me in any way. And I hate to even consider it, but it probably wasn't even a big deal to Samir. He was grown and doing well on his own. I could only hope that he was as optimistic about the whole situation as I was.
"How about I give you his number? And when you're ready to talk to him you can just call him up." Coach Liz pulled out a small Post-It note before scribbling down the ten digit onto it. Underneath it was 'Samir Torres.'
I nodded, taking the paper and folding it neatly before placing it into one of the pockets in my dance bag.
"Thanks for your time." I spoke, before turning around and making my way towards the cafeteria. I could only hope that the girls were still there. I had no idea that so much time had passed while I was talking to Coach Liz--at least a good thirty minutes.
But, thankfully, they were all at the table when I arrived, their plates empty from their eating.
"Hey girl, hey." Adele called as she sent a wave in my direction. I sent a smile in their direction. My conversation had went well Coach Liz so there was nothing for me to stress about. I would call Samir whenever I was ready, meet him, create a relationship with him and everything would be back to normal. For the first time since I found out about my brother, things were looking up. I took a seat next to Nia and rested my tired head against her shoulder.
"I'm glad you made it because Alisha refused to tell us anything until you were here."
"I didn't want to have to tell the story more than once, so it's just better to wait until Sage got here."
"Well, she's here now and I still have some homework to do so let's get this party started." Adele called, refocusing us in the right direction. Alisha took a deep breath before a bright smile appeared on her face. She bit her lip and then sighed again. "I really don't know how to say this..."
"Just go ahead and say it," I encouraged her.
Alisha was one of the more dramatic people I've ever met, and I'm sure she was getting a kick out of watching us squirm in excitement at the news.
"Well, you guys probably haven't noticed, but I've been around someone a lot lately. And after talking to them recently, we decided that it's best if we see how far our relationship will go. It's nothing big, we're not dating exclusively yet, but I just thought I'd let you guys know."
"You got you a dude? Alisha I knew this day would come, but I'm so hype right now!" Nia exclaimed before wiggling her shoulders.
"Well, not exactly."
Nia and Adele looked confused, but not me. I knew exactly who she was talking about, but I didn't want to be the one to jump out and say it for her. So, I left her to do the talking.
"Her name is Claire, and she's Sage's roommate." Alisha revealed.
For a while, Adele and Nia looked at each other somewhat confused before it all clicked. "Oh my gosh, you're a lesbian? Is that why you're always telling me my ass looks fat?" Adele questioned before she literally turned her head and kind of arched her back, glancing at her assets. Alisha giggled like a school girl before shaking her head. "One, I tell you that because your ass is fatter than snicker. Two, she's the only girl I've ever been remotely interested in, so I can't say I'm a lesbian. I hope you guys aren't like, weirded out by it."
"Of course not. You know we only want you to be happy, and if this Claire girl makes you happy than we are definitely down for her. Of course, I want to meet her, though." Nia spoke.
I gave Alisha a 'told you so' look.
She smiled, and pushed a strand of hair out of her face.
"I'm so glad I have you guys around."