We sat with Elliot and his skater mates at dinner in the atrium, Elliot instantly knew I had been crying, and when asked I just sighed and refused to answer him. He got the hint after the first few times, and Dylan definitely wasn't in a rush to tell him. I was picking at my donut, my stomach churned to the sight of the food but I couldn't help but remember that Dylan had brought it me, and eating it was kind of like accepting him. I don't know, I was thinking too much, Dylan had noticed it when we was practising our dance, I was getting the easy moves wrong and he was laughing me but I could tell he was annoyed about it.
I pushed my donut away, I didn't want it. I felt like it was mocking me.
"Aren't you eating?" Dylan asked me.
"Not hungry." I told him, but like my own personal punishment my stomach growled.
He raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing me or my stomach "You need to eat something, Red." He said.
I shrugged at him "I will."
"When?"
"Later."
"If this is about earlier?" he said slowly.
"-What happened earlier?" Elliot was quick to interject into our conversation. He looked between me and Dylan for a moment "What happened?"
"Nothing." Me and Dylan said at the same time.
Elliot scoffed "Yeah, right."
"It doesn't matter what you think," I muttered to Elliot, then to Dylan "And it doesn't matter what you think either. I'm not hungry, I don't want the donut."
"You're not hungry or don't want to the donut, because they're different things, Red." Dylan stated.
I looked up to him "I don't want to donut, right now. I might get... hungry later but right now I don't want the donut..."
Elliot blinked "I get the sense this isn't just about the donut..."
But me and Dylan ignored him.
Dylan smirked across at me "I'm not keeping the donut forever, you know."
I frowned at him, confused over our metaphors and what they meant "Then take you shouldn't have given me the donut in the first place!"
Elliot gave a dramatic sigh and shoved a packet of crisps in my hands "Forget the donut, Myra." He said, seeming even more confused than we were "Just take my crisps, I'll get something else."
Before I could object Elliot stalked over to the college shop and if it wasn't for my stomach growling the way it was, I would have left them. I didn't want to be here anymore, I just felt like shit. In a heartbeat Dylan has made me hate coming to college, well, not college altogether I guess. Maybe I was over exaggerating but I couldn't help it, Dylan was in my course I spend every minute with him...
God, why did he have to kiss me?
I ate Elliot's crisps in silence, listening to the sound of Dylan's voice as he spoke with the other lads at our table. I wanted to go home, I wanted to stay, I didn't know what I wanted.
I stood and stalked over to the toilets, my phone already to my ear, and after a few rings, he answered "Myra?"
"I don't know what to do, I... I don't know if I can keep doing this."
As always, Doctor Logan was clam and easy "What happened?"
"He fucking kissed me!" I hissed "Twice!"
"Did you want him to kiss you?"
"No. Yes." I groaned, "I don't know..."
"Did you kiss him back?"
Hesitantly, I gave him the answer he wanted "The second time..."
"Well, you got yourself into this mess, Myra. On some level you must have wanted to kiss him."
I groaned, blushing bright red and I stared myself in the mirror "I don't know... Amy came to check on me in class cause I spent the night with him and Elliot in their flat and before I know he's kissing me, we start arguing and then I let slip about my therapy and were kissing again..."
I could imagine him nodding at me, "Myra, you know I can't tell you what to do so what do you want me to say?"
"Tell me if I'm doing the right thing..."
"I can't tell you that, Myra. What's right for the lion is hell for the gazelle."
I groaned again "How many more days?" I asked him
"For what?"
"You know what! How many days until I can go back?"
There was a short pause, then "Three more days."
I took a deep breath "Okay, that's not so bad... I can do that, I think."
"Myra, they might not take you back." He said, "They might think you sane."
"Then they're stupid. I- I don't know if I can keep doing this, it's all too much. What- What do I do?"
"You can't just keep hiding from your problems, Myra. At some point you need to face them and take back your life."
"What life?" I hissed "I didn't have a life before this, what exactly am I taking back?"
He sighed "Myra, you need to talk to your brother about this. You need to talk it out with someone you can relax around, not me."
I groaned and hung up on him, he wasn't helping, he's supposed to help but he wasn't. And then I was ringing Blake, I don't know why I rang but he knew everything, I needed to see a familiar face.
"Myra?" he answered "I was beginning to think you wasn't going to call..."
I was breathing heavily down the phone at this point, my panic rising in my chest "I need to see you..." I said, I squeezed my eyes shut "I... I just need to see you. Can- can you meet me?"
"Myra what's wrong?"
"Can you?" I asked.
"Yeah, definitely, where?"
"Ten minutes, outside the shopping college?"
"I'll be there, My. See you in ten."
I don't know if arranging to meet Blake made me feel better or worse but some part of me needed to see him, some part of me needed to know what I had given up to get this far. Splashing water on my face, I took another deep breath, Dylan would be mad at me for ditching but I just couldn't do this anymore.
I straightened my shirt; re adjusted my hair and left the toilets. I had been in here a while but I knew as soon as they sa my face they'd know why I had been a while. And they did, straight away I was bombarded with questions from both Dylan and Elliot asking if I was okay, and through the mist of it all I managed to send a text message to Elliot explaining I needed to see Blake, after that he made Dylan let me go and I quickly left college waiting for Blake outside the gates.
A car pulled up alongside me and the door popped open, I saw Blake inside and slid in wordlessly.
"Myra is you okay?" he asked, his angular face morphed into something of concern "You sounded panicked, I came as fast as I could."
I wasn't going to lie to him, I couldn't. Even on one of my good days I don't know if I had it in me to lie to Blake, he was Blake... "You know Dylan, right? Elliot's flatmate."
He nodded, pulling off into the road and started driving down the street "Yeah, he's alright, why?"
"He's in my dace course, he kissed me today."
He tensed up instantly and for a moment I saw anger cross his face but it was gone as fast as it had appeared "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah..." I fiddled with my bag for a moment "It freaked me out."
He nodded slowly and for a moment he didn't say anything "good freaked or bad freaked?" He asked "I know how wary you are with new people."
"I don't know," I said honestly "I guess because I've never had to deal with these type of emotions before it's kind of hard to process."
"You kissed me."
"That was different, back then I didn't have the guts to tell you to stop. Guess I didn't realise that until eight months into therapy."
"Oh."
I was hurting his feelings but I didn't know how to stop, I turned to face him in my seat "My Doctor told me to talk to my brother because he thinks I need to talk to someone who I can trust. I called you instead."
He smiled at that, I saw it flash across his face but it only lasted a second
"I don't know why but I needed to see you, I Just need figure out what I'm feeling."
"Do you like him?" He asked "Dylan I mean?"
I shrugged "I've only known him for two days, but I don't know, he's chill. I've never been able to chill, it's relaxing I guess. Even when I was with you I was constantly trying to hide things."
"But you're still hiding things with Dylan."
"Yeah but he's not trying to pry it out of me, Blake... you always had to know, you always found out." I looked out the window "I don't know why I'm telling you this..."
He took a deep breath "I've pictured you coming back a million times while you've been gone, but not once did I think another guy would beat me to you... Don't get me wrong, I knew you were a catch, a headstrong individual who don't give a shit about anyone else. That's the dream..."
"Blake..."
He shook his head "No, it's... It's okay... If you want to see where Dylan takes you I'm okay with that, really. But I want you to know, I love you; what I feel it can't be explained any other way. I've waited for you, and you will be mine, Myra. You've always been mine; ever since I walked into your dressing room I knew I had to have you. And one day I will."
I swallowed hard, I had thought that maybe seeing Blake would make this decision easy but it just made it harder. How can he still love me, how can he love me at all?
"Stop the car."
"What?" He looked surprised "Why? What did I-"
"Stop the car!"
He hit the brakes pulling up on the side of the road, I tried to unclip my seatbelt but Blake grabbed my arm "I've waited two years for you; I'm not going to let another guy steal you from me."
I ripped myself from his grasp, practically falling from his car and ran down the street, I didn't know where I was going but that didn't stop me running, for the second time this week, away from Blake.