Cause we all get lost sometimes, you know? It's how we learn and how we grow. And I wanna lay with you 'til I'm old
You shouldn't be fighting on your own
****
I stare out of the window my eyes stinging slightly from the crying. Crying is a sign of weakness, but why do I feel so strong now that I've let it all out? Finally it's like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders but it's not what I thought it would be like. I've just burdened someone else. Or were they already burdened by their own choice?
Snow falls, getting thicker by the second as it gets hard to see what's outside. I have a decision to make. He has a decision to make. Glancing back at him, I almost feel pity. This wasn't the conversation that he thought would happen. I can't help but treat him the way I do, he's just a stranger to me. A confusing stranger, but a stranger all the same.
Honesty is important, but sometimes holding back the truth is just as important if it means protecting the ones you care about. And that's what I'm doing. I'm protecting everyone I care about.
He sighs as he burrows his head further into his hands. I wish I could read minds so that I could help him with his decision. Communication is also key in any relationship or so I hear. Here we are, side by side, each one too scared to tell the other what their thinking. Right now I need a miracle, we both do.
***TWO HOURS EARLIER***
Come on Lily. You can do this. You're a Fowler for Merlin's sake! You're the one who should cause fear in people not be rendered like a scared little chicken cause you think he knows your biggest secret.
Yeah that's right. It was just a dream. It's going to be fine. I'm just being stupid.
I should go back to bed. Yes. This was all some weird dream I had and the effects of it. Who knows, I could still be half asleep right now. Then why do I have this huge lump in my throat? Why is it that my legs feel like they can no longer support the rest of my body? Why is it that just even considering for a second that I've let everyone down makes me want to curl up in a ball and just cry my eyes out?
No.
My name is Lily Fowler. Daughter of Ben Fowler and proud. I am not afraid.
I hear shuffling inside causing my heart rate to speed up again. He's awake. Of course he's awake. It's not even that late. Who am I kidding, it's like 2am or something. It's probably just a rat or something. It's fine. He's not awake. I can just sneak away and laugh about this whole thing tomorrow morning. But my legs seem to be glued to the floor and no matter how much I want to move, they remain firmly locked in their place.
Just count to ten Lily. That always works. Yeah. One, two, three, four.
But I don't even get to half way before the shuffling gets louder and turns into footsteps that are quickly approaching the door. Before I can even think about an excuse or anything I find myself standing in front of a shirtless man.
He frown at me as I stare at him wide-eyed unable to say a word. His frown gets deeper as he glances at something in his room. This was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea. I mean now I'm just getting hot and flustered as well as feeling like the world's about to end.
But I just purse my lips and try my best to give what I hope looks like a glare. I need to keep up appearance, and that includes not looking weak.
"Can I help you?" He asks finally and my eyes widen as I realise something. It's quickly confirmed when I hear another guy call out from inside the room.
"What's going on?" I hear George call. Fred's grip on the door tightens and I know he's considering to shut it on my face, but then he just sighs.
"She's here," he says simply before shrugging on a t-shirt and pushing past me. He gives me one more questioning look before he leaves. Licking my lips, my eyes shift the the man standing in the doorway in Fred's place.
George stares at me, eyes guarded as per usual and for a split second I consider the true possibility of him slamming the door in my face. Oh the irony that would have. But instead of that, he gestures for me to come into his room. Standing up straighter, I enter his room, my legs moving a bit stiffly as if they still don't really know how to walk or something.
My eyes dart around the room, it's dark, dimly lit by the moon outside and a couple of orbs in the corner. A bunk bed stands against the wall, both beds unmade and a suitcase on one of them with clothes spilling out as if someone was packing.
"Can't sleep?" He asks making me jump slightly.
"Something like that," I mumble as I stare out of the window. I don't even know where to start. I have no plan, no real confirmation aside from the fact that I had a stupid dream. That's all it was. A dream.
"I'm sorry about the game from earlier, it wasn't fair to you," George says after a long pause. Looking up surprised, I see him also staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. I can't tell what's going on in his mind, I don't even know who he really is. How can I trust that it was just a dream and even if it was, how can I know he won't betray me?
But it's like I can't speak to him, or I'm too scared to find out the answer to my dreaded question. Am I going to spend my life like that? Always afraid to say what I'm really thinking because I may not like the reply I get. He's going to have an opinion about it. That's the part I'm scared about the most. I'm scared to know what he's going to think.
Everyone's entitled to an opinion. But just because that's his opinion it doesn't have to become my reality. George meets my eyes for a split second and then looks away hastily with a small smile playing on his lips.
"You're always catching me off guard and it's weird because I'm not too sure how to act with you anymore," he admits when I don't comment on his behaviour. My eyes widen- I'm the one whose making him uncomfortable?
"I don't know how to act with you," I mutter in a low voice, still staring out of the window.
"You're doing alright so far. I mean break-ups are hard enough, but no one really imagines spending the holidays with their ex," he says with a short laugh. Break-ups. Ex. The words hit me like sharp knives but I refuse to acknowledge it. It shouldn't affect me.
"Oh come on, I was joking," he says when I don't say a word. I lean against with my back against the window and try and sort out how I'm going to ask him whether he knows anything about me that he shouldn't. Oh hey George, I know things have been weird between us but I've been going crazy cause I think you know the biggest secret I've kept for literally my whole life, so I just wanted to confirm what do you think my name is? Oh I might have to kill you to protect you.
Yeah the question doesn't really sound right in my head, I'm not about to risk saying it out loud. George's eyes meet mine and for a second I feel like spilling all my guts and just telling someone about everything. About my sacrifice. About the pressure. About my fear.
But he knows.
So would it really be bad if he knew everything? He's still here, humouring me, talking to me, concern clear in his guarded eyes. Once upon a time I trusted this guy enough to become friends with him... After years and years of being alone, I finally opened up to someone and now here I am, unable to string a coherent sentence out loud.
"Lily, it's okay, you can tell me," he says softly as if he can see that I'm having a mental debate. I purse my lips together and study the man in front of me. He seems to know me pretty well, despite me becoming someone that he might consider an enemy. I'm a Death Eater for Merlin's sake! How am I supposed to tell that to anyone let alone him?
I can't tell him that truth. It would destroy whatever good memories he has of me. I can't rob him of that like I robbed myself.
"I tried to forget about you," I say instead. My eyes snapping to his as they instantly soften. "You're just a whole lot more difficult to forget than I anticipated," I mutter trailing off.
George doesn't say a word but leans against the window next to me so that our shoulders are almost touching. The thought bothers me a little but I push it to the back of my mind and focus on trying to have an honest conversation with him.
I need to be honest with him. With myself. I'm not some naive girl whose pretending to be someone she's not. I am Lily Fowler. And I'm also Lily Argent. A huge part of being Lily Argent is missing from me, but that doesn't mean I'm any less of an Argent than I was before. That's the error I made when I decided to do all this.
Never did I consider I'd be in the position where I'd be reliving history.
"I just got so caught up with everything, and I don't even know where I stand with you anymore." I say in a hoarse whisper. I sense his body stiffen next to me, but again he remains quiet. It's like he knows about the internal battle going on and is just waiting to see what I decide.
"It was a lot easier when I didn't think you were a real person if that makes sense. Like of course I know you exist, but if I didn't see you then my mind can trick me into thinking it was just a stupid... daydream," I say with a sigh at the end.
"You day-dream about me?" George asks, speaking for the first time. I look up scowling slightly. Of all the things he's going to comment about, he decides that's the part he wants to share his opinion on?
"Alright I'm sorry," George says with a smile, nudging me slightly with his shoulder. "You're right. It was easier for me too. I just... we don't really talk anymore and my instinct is to slip into old habits," George continues in a more serious tone.
"Habits can be changed," I mutter.
"Not this one," George shakes his head. "I couldn't get rid of it if I tried."
George hesitates for a second, glancing at the door as if he's expecting Fred to burst in any second and stop him from talking to me or something. Snap him out of his 'habit' or something.
"I was angry when you came to the Burrow. I didn't realise how angry I was until I saw you, but yeah I was acting in anger," George says in a low voice and my eyes widen slightly at this revelation.
"But even in that anger, I still cared about you Lily. It didn't take me long to realise that I don't want to be angry with you. Not when you look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders," George says, his ears reddening. George cares about me? Is that so hard for me to believe? That someone would actually care for me even after all the hurt I put them through?
Yes it is.
Because I don't know what I did to deserve this from him. For all I know, I could have been playing his emotions the whole time and enjoying the attention.
No Lily.
Don't be stupid. If I was doing that I wouldn't have erased the evidence from my memory. I must have done something to make him feel this way about me, make him feel like he's still obliged to look out for me even though we're not even friends right now. I've got to trust that he knows what he's doing and knows what he's getting himself into.
But he doesn't know. He doesn't know any of my current situation and that's the problem. He should be able to decide for himself whether or not he wants to get to know me as Lily Fowler. I shouldn't have made that choice for him. It was selfish.
"There are things about me that you don't know. Things I've done.." I start but I trail off my eyes hardening. I can't tell him that. That's too dangerous. I've already told him way too much. He's not saying anything because he's shocked or disgusted or... I don't even want to think about what other opinions George Weasley could have of me. I'm scared. That's what this is all about. I was too scared to let him know the truth before because I was scared he'd abandon me and now I'm too scared he's going to do the same.
Hah. If only Snape could see me now. He would tell me that I should be more guarded and be able to support myself without needing anyone's approval. He would say the mission is worth more than my petty insecurities and I should be selfless.
"Why are you here Lils?" George asks snapping me out of my thoughts. I lick my lips nervously as I shut my eyes for a brief second. Lils you need to trust me, everything will be okay.
Okay. I can do this. I can tell him.
"I- You. Th-" I start but find myself unable to make a sound let alone communicate. George stands so that he faces me.
"It's okay, you can trust me," he says in a low voice. His eyes stare into mine so sincere and I feel myself breaking. This man is breaking my walls and I don't even know him! It's like I'm forgetting why I even decided to forget him and it's going to kill me, literally.
"Just tell me," he says with a small smile and I shake my head at him wordlessly. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could form an explanation that would make sense to you. I wish I could provide you with the closure and answers you need but truth be told I don't even know what's going on in my mind so how am I supposed to let you into it?
His face falls for a second, but then he just goes into deep thought. He's close to me. Too close. It's a good thing he's tall and I'm short. I can just stare at his chest instead of look him in the eyes.
What could he possibly be thinking? Is he questioning why he's even trying to converse with me? Perhaps he's wondering what would be the best way to get rid of me. Or maybe he's just thinking that he was lucky to be rid of me because he's just realising what a mess I am.
No Lily.
But it's too late. I feel my eyes filling up with water as I shut them tightly. I'm a mess. I'm a huge mess right now and I wish someone could just see that I've been falling apart and struggling with everything, but it's like I'm not allowed to open myself up to anyone.
It's like when I decided I would become a Fowler I would strip myself of my emotional side because it weakened me, but not dealing with my emotions is not working either. I feel more unstable than I did before. All this time I've just been putting everyone else's needs before my own and they don't even realise. It's okay. I mean I don't need recognition. It's just that sometimes it gets a bit too much and I should give myself time to deal with my own stuff but I don't know how anymore.
Oh Lily, what have you gotten yourself into? One holiday with this stranger and suddenly you're becoming this gooey emotional wreck. Guess it must be the Weasley effect or something.
"I want to tell you," I whisper, glancing up at George, but he's already staring at me. There's an odd look in his eyes and I can't tell what it means but he just gives me a small smile. His eyes don't leave mine and I bite my lips nervously. I'm actually going to do this. I'm going to tell him.
"But I don't want to burden you," I continue clearing my throat. George's eyebrows burrow as if he's confused and I just shake my head at him. "I never wanted to burden you," I say and I feel a tear fall from my eye.
"Tell me," George says firmly putting his hand on my arm.
"Do you trust me?" I whisper and George pauses for a second, but then nods.
"Why?" I ask in an inaudible voice.
"When the girl you stole pumpkin pastries for asks you to trust her, you say yes." He says with a smirk but I don't get it. Why would he talk about food right now? Pumpkins as well. I don't even like pumpkins. It doesn't matter. I can't think about anything. My minds racing. Just say it Lily. Just say it.
My name is Lily Fowler.
Five words have never been so hard to say out loud.
"Lily," George says as more tears fall. I can't do it. I'm going to be a disappointment to everyone. "Lily listen to me," George says in a soft voice lifting my chin up, forcing me to look into his eyes.
This is just the way things are going to be with me and him. I'm just going to keep on confusing him and hurting him and now I'm just hurting myself.
"I know."
It's just a matter of time before I actually do have a mental breakdown. And then the whole mission will be compromised. Everything will change. The Dark Lord will have the power to create an army of devoted followers.
"Did you hear me Lils?"
Not even followers. They'll be robots. My father wanted to protect me from this future. He wanted to make sure I had a better life free from darkness. I have to honour his wishes. Yet here I am with a dark mark on my arm and refusing to talk to perhaps the only person who wants to understand.
"Lily?"
"What?" I ask sharply my eyes snapping open. But then they widen. What did he say? Did he just say he knows? My heart rate speeds up. My throat dries. My eyes scan his as he smiles.
What was I even mind-rambling about?
"You know?" I whisper, my eyes not leaving his for a second.
"I know." He confirms in a low voice.
"Are you sure?" I ask in a hushed voice and he smiles again.
"Yes Lily I know," he says taking a step closer to me so that there's no space between us. He knows. He knows. Of course he knows. It's George Weasley. The strangers who just knows.
"What do you know?" I say frowning, still not believing him. It's like my mind has forgotten how to work. I can feel the dried tears on my face but right now that's about all I can feel. That and my speeding heart which I'm sure is not healthy at all. Aside from that, I'm not too sure I have a body.
George draws his wand from his back pocket and for a second I consider the possibility that he might stun me or something.
His eyes don't leave mine for a second as he mutters, "accio letter."
A parchment flies out of nowhere and he hands it to me. My hands shake as I open it up. It looks like it's been folded and unfolded so many times. There's only four words written on it in a rough handwriting that looks strangely like my own.
I'm sorry. Not Argent.
"What's this?" I turn the parchment around expecting more but there's nothing. It's definitely my handwriting but I don't remember writing it at all.
"You sent this to me before summer. I didn't understand it at first but then when you just disappeared off the face off the earth I did some research on your family tree," George says in a low voice.
"I sent that to you?" I ask. How could I have sent that to him? How could I have endangered myself like that?
"Yeah, I came looking for you in summer to tell you that I know you lied about your family and it's okay. But... I couldn't find you. It's like you had vanished. So I got angry that you would just tell me this and leave me," George says quickly as I try to process all this.
"And then when you turned up here with Ginny as if everything's normal," George continues not letting me interrupt. "It made me angry. But then I couldn't be angry anymore... Not when I realis- I couldn't d- You didn't even recognise me..." He trails off.
"I didn't" I blurt out. "I don't know who you are George Weasley." I say in a hushed voice. This is it Lily. No turning back after this point. Once he knows he can't un-know.
"I don't know who you are either Lils," George admits and we exchange a smile. "But I want to know," he adds quickly.
"What if you don't like the person you find? I'm not the girl you used to know," I feel like I've repeated this phrase a million times today, but I need to know the answer. I need to know that he won't give up on me. And the saddest part of it all is that I know he can't promise me anything because he doesn't even know what he's promising.
"I'm willing to find out if you are," George says and I find myself smiling. He's not promising me anything. He's just asking for me to be honest, can I actually do that for him?
"You should sit down," I say gesturing to the bed. His eyes widen as if he's surprised that I'm actually humouring him. He grabs my arm gently and leads me towards the bed, surprising me too. I sit next to him, my shoulder brushing his and glance out of the window. How did I get myself in this position?
But now that I'm here, I should just be honest. It will be good for me and him. Have courage Lily.
"There's only two people who know the truth about me right now and you were close to finding out and I couldn't let that happen. You must have meant something to me because I made a choice and you're going to have to make one too. Because once I tell you my story there's no going back," I ramble and George's face is full of concern.
"Lily, I want to know," George's tone is firm but it's also kind. As if he's been sure of this decision for a long time. Or as if this is a harder decision for me than it is for him.
"Well I'll start off by saying that I physically don't remember you like you remember me," I say in a small voice. "I had a memory charm placed on me. I don't remember you George Weasley. I don't remember us." My voice trails off as George's face turns into one of horror. His eyes widen and I can see his brain trying to process what I'm telling him.
"Wh- Why?" George splutters and for the first time I see his cool façade slip. It scares me. Did I make the right choice in letting him in? No, it's not my choice anymore. It's his. Out of everyone he has the most claim to knowing the truth as I left him in the dark. But not even the dark dark. It's like I decided to light a candle or something and then just abandon him. That's not fair to him or me.
"I had to. I had to protect myself. I had to protect... you..." I say as George just frowns at me and I know he doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't, I'm being so cryptic right now.
"Look I want to be honest with you but you need to decide whether you want to know what I decided was too much of a burden for you and protect you from. You know better than me what type of choice I made and I want to honour it, but I don't want you to feel like I'm being unfair either," I say quickly and George nods slowly as if he's still trying to process everything.
I sent him that letter. It's my handwriting. I can spot it from a mile away. If I sent that to him, then surely I expected him to put the clues together at some point. Surely I was pointing him in the right direction. I must have wanted him to know otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to send him that letter.
But this is his choice to make.
***NOW***
"Okay," George says snapping me out of my thoughts. "Stand up," he gets up and pulls me up too.
"We're going to take this slowly. I want to know who you are. I want to know what's going on. I want to help with whatever you're going through," George says and I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders already.
"But?" I ask sensing that there's a condition to this.
"But we're going to start from the beginning and see where things go. As if we're strangers on a train," George says with a ghost of a smile that I can't help but mimic. He's going to just give me a shot as me? Me as Lily Fowler? Will that be enough for him? Will he like Lily Fowler as much as he liked Lily Argent?
"Do you trust me?" George asks echoing me from earlier as I nod silently unable to say a word.
"So, hello." George says, thrusting his hand out to me. "I'm George Weasley."
"Hi," I smile taking his hand, pushing all those thoughts out of my mind. "My name is Lily Fowler."
"Nice to meet you Lily Fowler," George says, shaking my hand. It's time to take a chance and find out what happens when you trust a Weasley with your biggest secret. But this isn't just any Weasley. This is the guy I trusted enough to tell him that I'm not Argent. If there's anyone's judgement I trust, it's my own. Because sometimes you just have to take a chance and trust your instinct. Right now my gut is telling me that I can't do this alone anymore. That I shouldn't have to.
"Pleasure's all mine, George Weasley."