Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part...
Like every morning my alarm went off, Not letting it play for long I tapped on the screen shutting it off. Yeah I should probably change the song but I wasn't ready this song had been with me every night for the first weeks after my break up with Lucy, locked away in my bathroom while I cried my eyes out. My heart aching and my head throbbing while I listened to the song on repeat. I wasn't ready to let go of that pain not until I was completely over Lucy and as of now I still wasn't. Our little date was today after I got off work I still hadn't told Normani, I decided to tell her today on our way to work. I heard her exiting her room and heading downstairs I followed my daily routine and joined her at our kitchen.
"Good morning Laur, Don't you look. Anxious today. Is Camila coming over or what?" She asked taking a sip of her coffee before glancing at the kitchen clock. "Not everything is about her you know, I have other things to be anxious about." I chuckled a little, grabbing a banana from our fruit bowl and hurrying after her when we realized we were running 10 minutes late to work. The first five minutes of our short car drive consisted of Normani singing along to a Beyoncé song, After it was over and finally being able to interrupt her mini car concert I blurted out my plans for today.
"I have a date with Lucy." I said rapidly, gaining Normani to stomp on the brake my whole body being launched at the dashboard and if it wasn't for the seatbelt my face would be smashed into it. "What the fuck Mani." I yelled, annoyed by the pull the seatbelt had implanted on my neck. "What do you mean by a date? With lucy?" She asked as she proceeded to slowly increase the speed on her car, realizing we would be even more late if she didn't keep moving. "Well, she just wants to talk and I agreed. I think it would be just good closure you know? Or do you want to keep listening to "the scientist" every morning? I asked her taking a last bite of my banana. She thought about my question for a second making a last turn to our work site. " I guess if it helps you get back to your old self then I'm on board, just don't let her manipulate you. Let her talk, listen then just express yourself you know let it all out, Say your goodbye and close that chapter of your life Lo, Its time." Her honest words ringing on my ears before we both exited her car.
I just nodded, I didn't want to promise anything because I had no idea what was going to happen this evening. Did I want Lucy? Yes. But was I ready to get back with her after all the heartbreak? Probably not. I decided to take today a step at a time. Work went by surprisingly fast and hour before we got off I received a text from, Camila.
Camila: Hey you, How's work?
Lauren: Great, I'm about to get off. How's your day going? Any dreams about me?
Camila: Lol, Wouldn't you like to know? I woman never shares her deepest more intimate dreams
Lauren: Intimate? Lol. Like.... Sex?
Camila: I guess you'll never know (;
5 minutes later
Camila: Are we still good for tomorrow?
Lauren: Sorry I was getting some stuff from Normani, and of course we are. We still have a lot to talk about especially those dreams of yours
Camila: Right, Well then I guess I shall see you tomorrow :) I'll try to keep my dreams PG tonight ;P
Lauren: Camila Cabello are you flirting with me?
10 minutes later
Lauren: Is that a yes? Don't be shy now.
Another 10 minutes later
Lauren: Are you ignoring me? Well I just got off work and I'm rushing home to get ready for my meeting so see you tomorrow Camila. Don't be shy. I don't bite, Not too hard at least ;P
I didn't get another reply from Camila, Maybe she fell asleep. After work I made Normani rush home so I could be ready on time for Lucy to pick me up. I was wearing some faded out jeans, combat boots, black shirt with my usual denim jacket, slight make up on my face and after Normani telling me not to fall for "Lucy's bullshit" I finally step outside to see Lucy waiting for me from outside her car. Roses on her hand and a big smile on her face, I reciprocated the gesture my face feeling hot. She was wearing casual black dress with her usual converse, she was the right amount of girly mixed with tomboyish taste. She was perfect.
"Hey" she said handing me the flowers and giving me a peck on my lips. Since the night at the club I hadn't felt her plumped pink lips, the taste of her strawberry chap stick stuck on mine. I smiled back as my stomach tried to control itself. "Thank you for the flowers, They're beautiful." I said honestly, she knew I loved roses she had given me a dozen only twice before so I was definitely surprised by her gesture. "Almost as beautiful as you. Now, Lets go get you some food." she said opening the car door for me as I stepped inside. This was definitely a new side of Lucy, I was always the romantic one and she just was Lucy. I kept repeating Mani's words from earlier on my head, "Don't let her manipulate you", she definitely was doing a good job on gaining my attention.
We drove through a taco bell drive in, ordering food for days and then heading to a park close to a beach. "Why here?" I asked when she pulled up to the very familiar place. "Because, it's good memories. We had our first kiss here, remember?" She asked grabbing the bags of food and exiting her car. I followed closing the door behind me as I looked at the swings were we had first sat down before I had pulled her into our first awkward kiss. "Of course I remember, I fell from the swing right after." I laughed, Lucy doing the same. I followed behind her as we sat at a bench a few people on sight but awefully lonely for a Wednesday evening.
I opened the bags of food, taking 2 tacos out, my stomach already rumbling of how empty it was. "So, I wanted to talk about us." I heard Lucy say as I took a bite from my falling apart taco. "About?" I asked quickly before taking more bites. She giggled before grabbing a napkin, reaching to my face and cleaning the sauce that was on the edge of my lips. "You're so cute", she said as she squished my cheek. "Well, I just wanted to say i'm sorry. I know I broke up with you out of nowhere. I know I broke your heart Laur, I was just freaking out. We had such a stable good perfect relationship it felt more like a friendship." She finally admitted. "I just felt like we were going way to slow like, yeah we kissed but in private we weren't like other relationships Laur, it's like you wanted to hide me or us." she continued " I just wanted to be like the others, hold hands in public, kiss. The stuff everyone those but you would freak out every time I tried and I never understood why." she finished, waiting for me to say something.
"Why didn't you ask?" I said, grabbing two more tacos from the bag. "I don't know I guess I just assumed shit so I never asked you. I was to into my head and you know you were just wild. I was scared if I said something you would just go off and go get drunk and hook up with a random chick or I don't know. You have to admit you're a player Lauren. At least until we started dating." She glanced at me, her eyes shining from the light the sun was emitting as it settled down. "You should of asked though, I was not going to run off. A relationship is about communication and trust and love and not being afraid to express our feelings to each other. We didn't have that Lucy and I knew it but I never tried to do anything to fix it" I said setting my taco down, "I guess we're young and we were just growing up you know getting to find ourselves and being in a relationship is complicated. We were growing up at different rates and we changed, I know ive changed the last couple of months. I've grown up I've learned from the pain." I kept going my eyes getting watery as I fought back tears.
"We didn't try to make it work, Honestly. I really liked you and I was so into you Lucy. Like fuck, I wanted to be with you all the time. I wanted to be indulged with your presence every second of every fucking day. I wanted to share my dreams, fears and my goals with you. I wanted for us to work together for everything we wanted, I just wanted to be with you." I said, I tear falling from my eye, Lucy wiping it off with her thumb tears in her eyes as well. "I just want you". I finally said, Letting go of the air I was holding in. "I want you too." I heard Lucy whisper. "Then why did you break up with me? You broke my fucking heart." I admitted to what was obvious. "I was confused, I just thought you didn't want me that it was just a friendship. But we can make it work Lauren, We can start all over." she grabbed both my hands and entwined our fingers.
She was staring at my green eyes and I was holding my breath, I wanted Lucy but I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship not after everything that had happened and how good I was doing getting over her. "I just don't know if I can, You really broke me and it has taken me a lot to put myself back together. I'm not complete and I don't think I can give you everything you want right now, not with all my broken pieces." I let go of her hands, tears falling down her face. I hated seeing her so hurt, she really did mean everything she was saying for the first time we were really opening up to each other. "Just give me another chance I promise we can make this work. I promise you this time will be different, Lauren, I love you." for the first time those three words left her mouth, I had never said them before and I was not going to start now.
"I'm sorry, I need time." I said before getting up and walking away. I couldn't do it, not now. Normani was right I needed to focus on myself and not just let Lucy control me I did want her, but I wanted myself more. I wanted my old self back plus there were secrets I have never told Lucy and If we were going to start over I wasn't ready to lay all my cards on the table. "Where are you going?" I heard her run after me as I turned around and her body slammed into mine. Her lips crashing into mine, I could taste her tears and her desperate sobs her hands begging me not to part ways as she grabbed my neck to keep us together but love couldn't be force and this didn't feel right, not right now.
"Please just give me some days to think." I said pulling away trying to catch my breath, I had texted Normani to pick me up and she said she would be here as soon as possible. "Just go." I whispered my face down not brave enough to see her suffering. "I'll wait for you Lauren, I do love you. Just don't leave me out on the cold. I'll give you time but please don't shut me out." she finally said, Giving me another kiss, her sobs now calmed as I saw her go inside her car and drive away. 10 minutes later I saw Normani pull up, I entered her car right away immediately getting bombarded with questions.
"What the hell happened? Where's Lucy? Why are you're eyes puffy? I swear if she.." Normani started rambling as I cut her off.
"Stop, just stop." I said tears forming in my eyes once again. "I just want to go home, can we talk tomorrow? Please." I begged Normani not to push me, and she didn't. We stayed in comfortable silence for the rest of the ride. As soon as we got home I jumped off the car and ran inside and into my room, locking the door to not be disturbed. I had to think about everything that had happened, Lucy had confessed she loved me and she really wanted me but I wasn't too sure I could give her my all not when I was so broken and incomplete. My thoughts got interrupted once again by a text.
Camila: Laur, how was your meeting? I know I'm annoying but I don't know I felt the need to text you. Is that weird?
Lauren: Not at all, You're actually making me feel better and you're most definitely not annoying.
Camila: I'm guessing the meeting didn't go well? Can I help with anything?
Lauren: It wasn't a meeting, I met with Lucy (my ex) she wanted to talk and well. Lets just say she said all the right things, too late :/
Camila: Oh, Why late?
Lauren: I just don't feel I can be everything she wants me to be, Not right now. She broke my heart I guess she was my first love and also my first heartbreak and that's just hard to just forget and act like nothing happened, You know?
Camila: I understand, I'm sorry. You deserve a better love. Someone who gives you everything you want right from the start not when they're about to lose you or have already lost you. I wish I could be there with you so you wouldn't be alone. You probably shut down normani huh?
Lauren: You know me so well. Weird, cus we haven't even hang out that much but yeah I did. I just want to be alone but you're making me feel better. Thank you Mila
Camila: Look at us, Nickname base already (: I don't know how I'm making you feel better though I'm not doing anything. I just want you to be happy Lauren, Tomorrow will be make Lauren happy day. Watch you won't even remember today
Lauren: Everything you say is so adorable, As long as I'm with you i'll be happy
Camila: Lauren Jauregui are you flirting with me? :O
Lauren: Is this the part where I get to ignore you?
Camila: *blushes* Lol. I just didn't know what to say, But, no Lauren I wasn't flirting with you. I'm just friendly
Lauren: Right, Well your friendliness can be mistaken. So be careful just saying I'm vulnerable right now I might just fall in love with you ;P
Camila: Shut up! Go to sleep you psycho lol I'll see you tomorrow Lauren, Smile (: Just for today i'll allow you to dream about me (; Night!
Lauren: I do that every night already, Night <3
I couldn't wait to see Camila tomorrow if she was making me feel better already by just texting me I can just imagine what it would be like to spend a few hours with her. She was great company, she was funny, adorable in every way and her energy was so positive and addicting. I liked Camila, she was a great friend.