Ten months had passed. Ten long months.
You'd gone back to work after six months. During one of your 'dreams' Spencer had told you that you needed to. That it would be good for you, that it would take your mind off the misery that you were stuck in. The misery of him not being alive, the misery of you not being with him physically.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
And... It hadn't been too bad. You'd not gone out into the field again yet, but then again you rarely did anyway. Your main job was to help back at HQ, and to focus on the media, but the team had been doing that between them whilst you'd been off. Working helped you take your mind off Spencer, although the first time you'd gone in and seen his old desk, you'd lost it and had burst into tears.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
You were no longer sure that these dreams you were having were actually dreams. You always seemed drained after them and you'd noticed that since you'd started back at work, they either only occurred when you were off work the next day, or else they were only brief 'dreams' and then you'd start dreaming about something else.
You'd opened up to Derek about them, fearing that he'd laugh or find it funny but he'd just solemnly nodded and told you that he'd had them too. Spencer speaking to him and checking up on everyone, making sure they were doing okay and that he was looking out for you.
"How often do you have them?" You'd whispered to him.
"Every few weeks at least. He mainly talks about you. It's so strange because... well it's like I'm asleep but I'm not. He's talking to me in my bedroom and I'm wearing the same clothes that I went to sleep in, which well... Sometimes is nothing at all, so that's weird too. And they're so vivid, I can remember almost everything, like we'd actually had a proper conversation."
"It's like he's actually there... " You'd said and Derek had nodded.
And so you'd researched it. So many people reported be able to have conversations with their loved ones during their sleep. So many people reported having the same feeling of having someone there with them, someone watching them. So one night, when he came, you asked him.
"Spencer are you actually here?" His arms had been wrapped around you, your skin cold where he was touching you.
"Yes and no."
"Yes and no?"
"Well I'm not here physically, but I am still here. It's.... complicated."
You smiled. "You're like a ghost?"
"Erm....well. I guess I am. Why. Does it bother you?"
"No! It means.... It means I still get to be with you. But... How long for? How long will you be around?"
"For as long as you need me." Spencer had told you, nuzzling your hair and sending cool shivers down your spine.
"Always then...."
"Like I said, for as long as you need me."
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
...
Spencer had cut down his visits, well....He'd cut down making her aware of his visits. Mostly he'd stay out of sight, only showing himself when she'd had a particularly rough day at work, or if he knew she didn't have to go in the next day.
He was pleased she'd gone back, it gave her something to do. He'd hated seeing her sitting and wallowing, not even crying sometimes, just staring off into space at the same spot on the wall for hours.
She was making progress. She was slowly, so slowly, starting to live her life again. She wore his wrist watch everywhere she went though, she'd had it adjusted to fit her slim, delicate wrists. And she'd not yet removed her engagement ring, not once. She still looked for that scarf though. He knew where it was. He'd seen it seven weeks ago when Morgan had helped her move their... well her, bedroom around. It had fallen behind a dresser and neither of them had spotted it. He'd tell her, eventually. That was his favourite item of clothing and for some reason, he knew it wasn't the right time for her to find it yet, no matter how hard she looked for it.
He'd watched her get dressed up a few times to go out with the team, looking more beautiful than the sun and moon themselves, although each time she'd returned she'd fallen into bed sobbing, crying out her him. So he'd wait for her to fall into that state, that special state. Then he'd go to her.
She was starting to understand why she could see him. He was... a ghost, a spirit of sorts and she'd asked him one night whether he was actually there. He was and he wasn't, is what he'd told her. Because it was true but it also wasn't true. It was such a contradiction but she accepted it for what it was and she'd continue to accept it, it meant she could see him and that he could talk to her and hold her. She was so warm when he hugged her and he was so cold all the time. Being next to her made him feel alive again, reliving happy memories, before she'd relent and slip off into a deeper sleep where she could no longer feel him.
He'd visited his Mom as well. Just the once, to say goodbye. He didn't go again. One visit she'd accept as a dream, any more and he'd risk upsetting her already fragile emotions and he didn't want to aggravate his Moms condition.
He visited Derek too, a few times actually. To make sure he was keeping good on his word and looking out for Y/N, although he knew he was. Derek had been his best friend on the team and he'd known there was no way he'd let Spencer down.
Spencer had dropped in at work one day, sitting in the corner of Rossis' office as he counselled a distraught Morgan.
"Dave, it's wrong... I need to make these feelings go away."
"Derek, it's not wrong. You can't help how you feel. Has she given any indication....?" The older man had tried to delve deeper, comforting his friend.
"I don't know... Sometimes I think so and then others.... I can't tell. And I can't act on it like I normally would to find out." Spencer watched a tear slip from his best friends eye, wishing he could help him.
"Why not?"
"You know why Dave, you know why."
The older man had sighed and patted Morgans shoulder. "He'd want you to be happy Morgan. He'd want both of you to be happy."
Spencer hadn't been sure how he'd felt about the conversation at first, and then he had a long hard think about it and decided that he didn't mind it. Morgan was a good guy, and he knew that this would be different flings.
... Another three months after....
The anniversary of his death had kicked you back down to rock bottom, resulting in another absence from work, although this one had only lasted a week. He'd come to you that night, not holding you this time, you told him not to. You needed to sob this out by yourself.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Your 'dreams' were less frequent but that didn't mean you didn't feel him there still. You could sense him.
Sometimes you'd be going about your business in the house and you'd stop.
"Spencer?" You'd whisper, feeling your hair waft in a breeze that should be there.
It was comforting and unsettling both at the same time to begin with.... But now...you didn't know, now it seemed almost wrong.
You didn't want him to not be there, but the truth was, he wasn't there. Not really. It didn't make sense anymore.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
...
"Baby girl, that food was to die for, as always. Next time, I'm cooking.. Well, taking you out. Alright?"
You laughed as you escorted Morgan to the door, seeing him out. You'd been spending more and more time with him and you liked it. You'd always got on with him but since Spencer had gone, you'd seen a different side to him. The softer side that he kept hidden at work. Morgan had been your rock and you'd helped each through the past year. You honestly didn't know what you'd do without him.
"Alright, I'll let you take me out. But no Italian, okay. Rossi has fed me so much pasta recently, I'm scared I'll become a piece of penne." You'd had to actually throw away some of the delicious meals your colleague had bought over for you, claiming he'd cooked too much but knowing that he was trying to fatten you back up. You'd lost a lot of weight with everything that had happened.
"Your choice, beautiful girl, your choice."
You smiled and let Derek pull you in for hug goodbye. You enjoyed his hugs. They were different to Spencers but comforting and nice in a different kind of way. Spencer had been all long arms and lean muscle, Derek was bulky and somehow, more cuddly with it. Nothing would replace Spencers warm hugs, but Derek's came a close second.
You pulled back from his arms, reaching up and planting a kiss on Derek's cheeks, hearing an odd hitch in his breathing as he turned to look at you.
"Y/N.... " He whispered softly, his head lowering to yours and surprising you as he placed his mouth onto yours.
You kissed him back, out of shock more than anything before you pulled back and pushed him angrily away.
"Morgan! What the fuck?" You wiped the back of your mouth with your hand, trying to rid any trace of him from you.
"Oh fuck. I'm sorry, kitten... I'm so sorry. I thought... Oh god I don't know what I thought." He looked ashamed of himself, a feeling that was running through you as well.
"What the hell made you think you could do that! He was your best friend Derek!"
"I know, I know. I just... I thought... I feel something for you Y/N. I thought.. I thought maybe you felt it too."
Without thinking, the next words spilled from your mouth. "It doesn't matter what I feel for you! What about Spencer?!"
Derek looked at you sadly. "Spencers gone, Y/N. You know this. He's not coming back. But I'm AM here. I'm sorry. The timings not right, but I don't think it'll ever be right. I have feelings for you. I'm sorry, but I do."
"Just leave Morgan. Please. Go."
"Y/N.. Can we talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about! Nothing! Get that into your head. I belong to Spencer. No one else. It's not right."
"He'd want you to be happy. He'd want US to be happy, we can be that together."
The damn that was building behind your eyes burst free and you used all your mite to shove Derek outside of the door, taking him by surprise, and slamming it shut.
No no no no.
Just no.
It didn't matter what you felt for your friend, Spencers best friend, just... No.
It was wrong.
You would never move on from Spencer. He was your one and only.
You couldn't have feelings for someone else, especially Derek. It wasn't right.
You stalked into the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of vodka from the freezer and taking a long glug, screwing your face up at the taste.
Taking another sip, you felt your hair blow in a breeze that wasn't there.
"Now... You're here now. You saw that. Of course you fucking did. Well you don't have anything to worry about. You may have left me here, all alone. But alone I'll stay, until we can be together again. However far away that may be."
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
You raised the bottle to your lips once more, feeling a sudden chill run up you arm, causing you to lose your grip, the bottle smashing to the ground.
You looked around the room accusingly, knowing it was him.
"So I can't even drown my sorrows now? Is that it? Just leave me alone, for once. Just one night. I feel guilty enough as it is. Please.... "
Leaving the mess on the floor, you took yourself off up to bed, flinging Spencers pillow onto the floor. You just wanted one night of blissful blank sleep, with no dreams. And vodka would have done that.
...
Spencer felt bad. He hated how guilty he knew she felt. Yet she had no reason to.
He knew what he had to do. Which is why he'd made her drop the bottle. Alcohol would make her pass out. And he couldn't have that tonight. Not when he needed to talk to her.
He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to take her pain away, make her tears stop. He knew that they'd always have something special. She was his love. The only one he'd ever have. But she could have another, and she needed to know that.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me