Another four weeks went by of life without Spencer Reid.
You kept looking at the note he'd left you, the night after you'd drunkenly called him.
"I'm working on that." He'd said.
What did he mean?
Working on what exactly?
You deeply regretted calling him, it had stirred up all the old emotions that you'd felt when you'd initially left him, the constant feeling of you missing a part of you.
But deep down, you knew you'd made the right decision.
As much as you'd loved him, and you still did love him, you both wanted different things. You couldn't make it fit.
"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye"
Life had gone on again, and you'd finished work on a Friday night, looking forward to a bottle of wine and some take out food.
You were surprised when you checked your phone and found you had a text from him, asking if he could come over. He wanted to talk to you about something.
You messaged him back saying that you didn't think it was a good idea, what really was there left to talk about?
He persisted, begging and pleading until you told him it was okay. You knew that if you didn't, there was a chance he'd just turn up at your door anyway. Spencer could be a stubborn fucker when he wanted something.
You quickly scanned around the apartment you'd made your home. It was clean enough. Looking in the mirror you double checked your make up. Your eye liner had smudged a little bit so you neatened it up and spritzed yourself with some perfume.
Fifteen minutes later, your doorbell rang. You pulled it open to see Spencer standing there, shuffling his feet nervously.
"Hey." You greeted him with a quick smile. "Come in. Do you want a drink?"
"Erm.... No. Can we sit down? I need to say this to you now before I lose my nerve and run off."
"Alright." You led him over to your couch, unsure where this conversation was going.
"Y/N, I've been thinking a lot, about us. And why you ended it. It's all I think about actually."
He was playing with his hands, wringing them together.
"I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had and how much fun we used to have. Do you remember?"
"I do."
"I think you made a mistake. I think we should give it another go."
Oh no.
Not this.
You couldn't go through this again. This was your own fault though, you should have never have called him that night. You must have given him a false sense of hope.
"Spencer.... "
"No, hear me out. Please." He held his hands up to interrupt you and you sighed, letting him carry on.
"I saw you in the park a few weeks ago with Jessica and her little girl."
He had? That was the night.... the night you'd called him.
You waited.
"Seeing you with her... I dunno. I've seen you with kids before and it's never bothered me. This time it did." He closed his eyes momentarily as if trying to gather his thoughts.
Opening them again, he looked you dead in the eyes.
"I want to raise a family with you. I want to do everything with you. Get married, buy a house with a white picket fence and have kids running around in the backyard."
This... This was what you'd wanted.
So why did it feel wrong?
"Are you being serious. Spence, you can't joke about this."
"I'm not. Y/N, this time apart has been the worst time for me ever. I can't stand being away from you any longer. All this time without you has made me realise that maybe I am willing to compromise."
"Even with our fists held high,
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die."
Ah.
There it was.
Maybe.
Compromise.
He was still doing this to get you to stay, to make you change your mind.
He was trying to convince himself that this is what he wanted but his words had betrayed him.
It dawned on you then why hearing him say those words hadn't immediately sparked happiness inside you.
These few months had been hard. And yes, you'd slipped and called him. And you DID miss him. You missed the relationship, the having someone there.
But ultimately, you knew you'd made the right decision.
Oh fuck.
His eyes looked so hopeful. You'd already done this to him once. How could you do it again?
"Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry"
You moved closer to him and took his hand into yours.
Bad move. His face lit up and he moved in and pressed his lips to yours.
The action took you by surprise and for a moment, you reciprocated, the feel and taste of him reawakening so many memories. It would be so easy to slip back into this, to open your arms to him and to never let him go. So easy. Your lips still fit perfectly together.
But it wasn't right.
Resting your hands on his shoulders, it took everything you had to gently push him away.
"Spencer. No." You said as softly as you could, tears already started to fill your eyes.
"No?" Came the small reply.
"No. We can't do this. Not again."
"But.... But... I want the things you do. I've changed my mind!"
You shook your head sadly. "Spencer you haven't. You called it a compromise. If it was truly, one hundred percent what you wanted, you wouldn't have said that."
"It is... Y/N.... It is."
"It isn't."
"I swear it. It is. I want to get married, I want us to start a family. We'll start trying tomorrow. I promise, just please..." His voice cracked. "Please come back to me."
"It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive"
"I can't. I don't love you anymore. Not the way you want me to." The words hung in the air, and you looked away not being able to stand the pain on his face.
"I'm sorry. I need you to go."
He grabbed your hand as you tried to stand up.
"No ... Please..... Can't we at least be friend then... I need you in my life. I don't think I can do this without you."
He was killing you now, completely killing you.
"Spencer. You CAN do this without me. You don't want me back, you want the relationship. We're not right together, not anymore. Maybe once we were, but we want different things."
"I want the same as you! I do! We were perfect together."
Was he delusional? You hadn't been perfect together for a long time.
You pulled your hand away from him and rose to your feet.
"You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go"
"We're not. I can't.... I can't talk to you anymore. We can't be friends."
You couldn't. If you gave him any sort of hope he'd never get over this.
"Please, don't contact me again Spencer. You'll get through this, and you'll get over me. You'll find someone else who is right for you. But not if you don't let me go."
"Y/N...... " His eyes were pleading, his voice pitiful.
This was worse that the first time. Then you'd felt something for him, sadness, heartbreak. You'd joined him in his PAIN because you'd felt it too.
Now you just felt pity.
" I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go."
"I need you to leave Spencer, and never come back. I'm gone. I can't be part of your life anymore. I left it when I walked out of the door all those months ago. I'm not coming back into your life. I'm already gone."
He sat in silence for what seemed like an age before standing and walking to your door.
He looked at you once more and you shook your head.
Opening your door, he walked through it, the sound of it closing and the silence that followed was deafening.
"And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone"