Two days had passed by. Two days of you calling in sick to work. Two days of sobbing into your pillow. Two days of crappy take out food and vodka.
Two days without Spencer Reid, the love of your life.
You needed to get a grip. He didn't deserve you after what he'd done. Everytime you thought about it, you wanted to walk back round to his apartment and beat the living shit out of him. But you figured, he was clearly intent on ruining his own life so you'd just leave him to it.
You'd move on. First step was getting out of the clothes you were wearing. When you'd returned home from his apartment you'd just grabbed supplies from your kitchen and fallen into bed, only moving to go to the bathroom and to answer the door to the delivery guys. You smelt rank, your hair greasy as fuck and your make up ingrained into your face.
Fed up of Netflix asking if you were still watching you clicked it off hauling yourself out of bed, empty tissue boxes falling to the floor. You needed air, you needed to get out of your apartment. It was 8pm and there was a late opening supermarket near by. Needing more food anyway you dragged yourself into your shower washing the grime away.
You blasted your hair with your blow dryer, pulling on some clean clothes and retrieving your phone from the corner of your bedroom where you'd thrown it two days ago.
Clicking it on, a slew of texts messages came through. You didn't even read the ones from Spencer, just hitting delete.
It was only when you saw one from Penelope Garcia, his friend and work colleague that you started to worry.
"Is Spencer okay? Hotch says he's out ill but he's not answering his phone to me or Morgan."
You text her back. "When did Hotch last speak to him. I'm sure he's fine, I've been ill too." Lying through your teeth.
"Two days ago."
You didn't want to care but it was very un Spencer like to ignore his friends. Still, a lot of things he'd done recently were very un Spencer like.
You called him, intending on hanging up once he answered. You just needed to make sure he hadn't..........Hadn't done anything stupid.
Voicemail. Trying his landline you started pulling on your shoes. No answer.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Grabbing your bag you headed out, sprinting to his apartment fearing the worst. You still had his key, forgetting to leave it when you'd stormed out effectively ending your relationship.
Reaching his door, you started knocking loudly not wanting to just let yourself in. You could hear his TV on but no sounds of movement.
Fearing the absolute worst you unlocked his door, pushing it open.
The stench hit you first. Stale sweat and vomit. The room was dark, his shades drawn and you could see towels and water bottles strewn over his living room floor.
A shape huddled on his couch, wrapped in a blanket. You couldn't tell if it was moving or not.
Stepping into the room you started to walk towards it. Please please please, you begged silently.
"Y/N?" Barely a whisper.
Oh thank fuck. As much as you hated him, you didn't think you could have coped if......
"What are doing here?" His words were shaky, his mouth thick. As you inched closer you could see he was pale and clammy, dressed in the same clothes he'd been wearing when you'd left him. His hair was matted to his face and he was clutching an old hoody of yours you'd left there previously. There was a bucket at his side, obviously the source of the vomit smell.
"Garcia text me. She was worried about you. When you didn't answer your phone to me I thought, well I thought you'd took too much Spencer."
He shook his head "I haven't taken any... I've thrown it out. You leaving me was the wake up I needed. I'm so sorry Y/N. So so sorry."
Tears started to fall from his eyes, a small sob leaving his chest. Part of you wanted to move to comfort him but you couldn't.
You realised now that the paleness, the sweat and the vomit were all signs of withdrawal. Someone going cold turkey. Remembering from your sister, the first few days were the worst and he'd been doing this alone.
"I love you so much Y/N. I know I was a coward. I should have talked to you instead of hiding inside my own head. I've lost you and I... I don't know what to do."
He looked so pitiful, his shoulders shaking as he cried.
"Getting clean is the first step Spencer."
"I know. I'm sorry. I won't ever touch it again I swear it. Just please... Don't leave me. I can't do this alone."
You thought about what he was asking of you, before making a decision. "I'll stay. But only until tomorrow. The worst should be over by then."
He nodded at you gratefully, hope in his eyes.
"Nothings changed though Reid. I'm still out."
Another sob racked through his chest, tearing at your emotions. You couldn't listen to him, so you moved to his kitchen looking for some food. He needed to eat and so did you.
Finding some soup and crackers, you heated up two bowls, searching his drawers for bin bags and antibacterial spray as you did.
Assembling the food on a tray you walked over handing them to him. "Eat Spencer. You need sustenance."
You perched on a chair on the other side of the room eating yours watching him carefully. His hand was shaking slightly as he lifted the spoon to his mouth soup spilling. You should help him.
But you couldn't bring yourself to go near him yet.
It took him thirty minutes to finish, him retching every so often but managing to keep the soup down. Taking the tray away, you left them in the kitchen counter. You'd load the dishwasher tomorrow.
Okay, so you'd fed him. Now to get him clean. He stank of dried sweat, the toxins seeping through his pores and settling on his skin. A bath would help him feel a bit more human or at the very least, make him smell better.
You started running a bath, gathering up clean towels and calling him to come through. He shuffled in, still wrapped in his blanket, still clutching your hoody.
"Strip Spencer and get in. You stink and your clothes and that blanket need washing. I'll come back in a minute to get your clothes."
You'd seen him naked a million times but you still left the room, returning a few minutes later to grab his clothes.
He was sat hunched in the tub, arms wrapped around his knees. "Please don't wash the hoody. It smells like you."
You nodded, hanging it up on the back of the door but taking everything else, bundling it into his washing machine and grabbing some bottles of water out of his fridge.
It was starting to get late now and although you'd spent the last few days in bed, the emotions were taking their toll on you. You'd had every intention of cleaning up, but that could wait until tomorrow. You checked his bedroom. His sheets still looked and smelt relatively clean, him obviously having slept on his couch since you'd left and you still had some clothing and toiletries in a drawer.
You changed into a pair of pajamas, pulling out a clean pair for Spencer as well and taking them back into his bathroom. He still hadn't made any move to clean himself, sat in the same huddled position as before. You sighed, going back into his kitchen and fetching a jug and the settling on the side of the bath tub.
You quickly but gently, washed his hair using the jug to tip water down him washing the suds off. His eyes were focused on you watching your every move, fresh tears falling every so often.
"Stop crying Spencer please." You weren't trying to be mean, it was just breaking your own heart even more.
"I'm sorry.... I just can't believe I've fucked this up so badly. I love you so much."
You ignored his words, lathering his back and front with shower gel and a flannel instead. When you were satisfied he was clean you handed him a towel telling him to dry and get dressed, leaving him and getting into his bed.
You didn't particularly want to share his bed, but you needed to clear his couch and you just couldn't be bothered. You sent Penelope a quick message just saying that Spencer was fine and that he had the flu. She'd find out soon enough about your break up, not that you'd be able to tell her the real reason why.
Spencer joined you in bed a few minutes later, you rolling onto your side making sure there was a good few inches of space between you. You didn't want to give him any ideas.
You both slept on and off, waking at around 4am. You'd rolled back to the middle of the bed in your sleep and Spencer had thrown his arm around you. He woke up as you were trying to lift it off you.
"Y/N?"
"Hmmmm"
"Can I explain?"
Did you want to give him the chance to?
You nodded and you spent the next few hours listening, a lot of crying from both of you and a lot of talking from him as he tried to explain what had made him do it.
In a way, you understood him. You'd experienced pain and the feelings of blame before. You'd had times where you wished you could feel nothing, and times when you felt like you were nothing. But the most you'd done was drink into oblivion and then pick yourself back up the next day. When your sister had overdosed you'd spent a good while in therapy and the one thing you'd taken away was that you had to learn to breathe through the pain. To just slow down and count your breaths and to remember that today was just one day. If there was no hope for today, there was always tomorrow. She'd told you to talk to your loved ones and that was all you'd wanted Spencer to do. Talk to you and tell you what was wrong, and you'd have been there for him helping him in anyway you could.
He asked you for a hug and you'd finally gave in, permitting him to touch you again. His skin was less clammy today, although you could tell he'd been sweating over night, the sheets slightly damp on his side. That was good though. Hopefully the toxins were finally out. His voice was gaining more strength seeming less shaky and he whilst he was still pale, he had a bit more colour to him.
You were growing hungry so after a while you nudged him away going in search of food. You found a loaf of bread in his freezer using it to make toast and taking it back to him in bed.
You were going to have to get some supplies in for him before you left to go home. Because you were going home. You'd told him that yesterday.
When you'd finished eating you kicked him out of his bed, telling him to go and have another bath whilst you changed his bed sheets. When you done that, you set about cleaning his living room and kitchen, opening the windows and emptying the rank bucket that was still by his couch, washing it out with bleach. You filled his dishwasher and went about spraying the surfaces with antibacterial spray, wiping them down.
You heard the bath water drain and gave him a few minutes to change before going into his room.
"I'm gonna have a quick bath here and then head out Spencer. I'll get some groceries in for you before I go home okay."
His face dropped "Home?"
You nodded. He looked sullen as he nodded back before rolling over back into his bed. You could see his shoulders shaking again trying to hold in tears.
Pulling another towel from his closet you headed to his bathroom, a photo on his dresser catching your eye. The two of you, taken at Penelopes birthday party earlier in the year. You loved that photo of you, everyone who'd seen it had always commented how much you suited each other and how in love you looked.
Drawing yourself a hot bath, you sank beneath the bubbles, your own tears now mingling with the water.
Although you understood him more, you still hated him for what he'd done to himself and to you.
But you loved him more than you hated him. You loved him so much it hurt you thinking that you were going to leave him today and not see him again.
Did he deserve another chance? Could you give him one more chance?
Finishing up in the bath and wrapping a towel around your torso you went back into his bedroom. Rather than getting dressed you pulled out a pair of panties and another vest top that you still had there, climbing back into bed.
"You're still here?" His voice hopefully.
You were. You knew you wouldn't leave now. Spencer Reid was the drug you were addicted to.
"One chance Spencer. If you fuck this up, you will never see me again."
He turned back around so he could face you. "I promise. I won't. I realise now I have too much to lose."
Feeling sleepy again even though it was still only midday you settled back down on the bed, this time not moving his arm when it wrapped around your middle.
"I love you so much Y/N."
You hesitated before responding with "I do love you too Spencer, and that's why I'm still here. But I don't particularly like you very much at this moment."
"I know." He whispered burying his head into your hair.
You both dozed off again. You'd got too warm at some point during your sleep and had pulled your vest off, it not meaning anything other than you were too warm.
When you woke up, you could feel Spencers breath against your bare back, his arm still locked tightly around your waist.
You could tell he was awake by the rhyme of his breathing so you asked quietly "How are you feeling?"
"A lot better now, almost like myself again."
"Good."
"I've really missed you Y/N."
When his hand started stroking across your tummy you caught what he meant. This is what he normally did when he wanted morning sex. It kinda felt inappropriate given the last few days but you'd missed him too.
You wiggled your butt against him slightly letting him know you understood and his hand moved up to your chest, grazing against your nipples. His mouth connected with your neck, nipping and sucking in the places he knew would elicit a response from you. And he did, you'd missed the feeling of his mouth and hands on you so much and the moan that left your mouth was much louder than you'd anticipated.
He gripped your hips pulling your ass close to him, you feeling him hard already. His hand brushing the sides of your panties, he whispered into your neck "Can I?"
You nodded using your own hands to help push them down and off. Still lying with your back to his front, he gripped your leg pulling it back so it was hooked over his own giving him better access you.
Normally, he'd tease you now. Touching everywhere except where you wanted him to until you begged. Today though, his hand went straight to your center, you whimpering as his fingers pressed against your clit, circling and rolling it, alternating between light and then more forceful pressure.
His mouth was still attacking your neck, teeth digging in so hard you knew you'd be marked, him pressing himself against your ass and thrusting softly, moaning at the friction.
"Do you wanna.....?" You managed to choke out between gasps.
"No. It's been too long. If I'm inside you Y/N, I'll come straight away. I just wanna make you feel good for a while."
Well he was definitely doing that. You shifted your position so you were flat against the bed now, his mouth leaving your neck and his eyes roaming up and down your naked body.
He was still propped up on his side so you reached your hand out pushing his boxers down. He lifted his hips off the bed helping you.
He groaned as you wrapped your hand around his length, moving it up and down, swiping your palm across his tip using the silvery droplets that were escaping as lubricant. You moved your other hand to his head, pushing back his hair that was falling forward so you could see his eyes.
They locked on yours, burning intensely as his adjusted his own hand, pushing one then two fingers inside, you crying out as he began fucking you with his fingers still massaging your now throbbing nerve bundle with his thumb.
Biting your lip, you rubbed your own thumb across his mouth, stroking his cheek and jaw with your fingers as your other hand increased its momentum on him. His tongue flicked out, lightly licking your thumb, another loud moan catching in his throat as your palm swiped over his head again. His panting increased and you could feel him beginning to tremble.
He finished first, your name on his lips as hot silky fluid spilled as you pumped up and down on him, wiping your hands on the sheets when he'd shuddered to his finish.
His own thrusts inside you had slowed as he'd ridden out his orgasm, but now they increased again, his fingers curling inside you causing your hips to lift of the bed as he hit your sweet spot.
Lowering his mouth to your chest he sucked a nipple between his lips, earning another loud whimper from you. He sucked hard, his teeth grazing and his tongue flicking over your hardened nub.
Hearing your breathing quicken and feeling your leg start to twitch he pumped faster, curling his fingers again, his thumb now rubbing frantically.
"Spencer...... Oh fuck. Fuck yes.... "
You let yourself come undone in his hands, squeezing around his fingers and shuddering through your orgasm, feeling light headed and dizzy by the end.
Removing his hand, he copied you wiping it on the sheets, before pulling you close to him.
You wrapped your own arms around him as he held you so tightly it felt like he'd never let go.
"I love you Y/N."
"I love you too Spencer."
"Are we going to be okay?"
You hesitated for a moment, before answering.
"We'll be okay as long as you talk to me and remember why we're together. We love each other Spence, and that means that if either one of us is hurting, we don't shut the other out.
We will get through this Spencer. If you start to feel down and like you have been, then tell me. Tomorrow is always a new day, a new start.
If you have a bad day then we'll just breathe through it together, until tomorrow."