Your boyfriend had been acting strange. When he was away on cases he barely called anymore. When he was at home, he hardly touched you. His moods switched so quickly from happy, to angry and sad and you didn't know where you stood anymore.
You knew he'd had a particularly hard case seven weeks ago. One of his team mates had been shot and he blamed himself as he was with them at the time. She'd pulled through but it was touch and go for a while. Three children had also died, and again he blamed himself for not picking up on what he deemed a vital clue.
You'd tried to speak to him about how he was acting towards you, but he'd shut you down, leading to you having screaming arguments in the middle of his apartment, you generally storming out in anger. This is what had happened ten minutes ago and now you were walking the short distance back to your apartment, tears streaming down your face.
He'd text you earlier telling you he was back from the latest case and you'd gone round to see him. He'd been away for eight days yet when you'd unlocked his front door he'd not even moved from his seat on the couch.
You'd moved to hug him, his arms remaining limply at his side. "What's wrong Spencer? I've missed you." You'd whispered knowing you weren't going to get a straight answer.
"Nothing. I've missed you too Y/N." he'd replied, his voice monotone.
"Then act like it."
His mood had flipped then him moving suddenly to you, lips crashing against yours. The kiss took your breath away as they always did but you weren't prepared for him pushing you down against his couch starting to tear at your top.
"Spencer... SPENCER. Stop it." You pushed him back forcefully. It's not that you didn't want to, but you needed to talk first.
"WHAT? I'm showing you how much I missed you." He wiped the back of his mouth with his hand angrily.
"We need to talk. You've hardly spoke to me recently. And you're different." You scared to say the next sentence but you did it anyway, speaking the words softly. "Do you not love me anymore?"
His eyes snapped up to yours. "Is that what you think?"
"It's the only conclusion I can come to. You ask me over but you barely speak to me, you rarely call or text me when your away and..... And up until now, you've showed no interest in wanting to have sex with me. Is there someone else?" You could feel the tears welling.
"There's no one else. And I do love you. I'm sorry."
"I don't want sorry Spencer. I want you to tell me what's wrong."
"There's nothing wrong. Why can't you just accept that?"
His voice was starting to rise already.
"Because I know you Spencer. We've been together for fifteen months now. I know when somethings wrong."
You went round and round like this for twenty minutes, him denying there was anything wrong and you calling him a liar.
In the end something snapped inside you and you stood up grabbing your bag.
"You know what Reid? Fuck this. I love you with all my heart but I'm done."
"Done? You're done? What does that even mean?"
You were stood facing each other now, you wiping away the tears that had begin to fall.
"I'm done with this. You call yourself my boyfriend but you can't bring yourself to trust in me when somethings wrong. You've treated me like crap for the past seven weeks. I get that your job is stressful and painful at times, but as your partner it's my job to help you with that. And you... You won't let me."
"I don't want to be with someone like that. I'm out."
You didn't even stay to hear his response, you just walked out slamming his door shut behind you.
You were halfway home before you realised you'd left your phone on the table next to his couch.
Fuck.
You deliberated with yourself for a good few minutes before deciding that yes you did need to go back and get it, because no you could not justify forking out for a new one just because you didn't really want to see him right now.
Turning around you trecked back to his apartment glad you'd actually not left his key behind. Hopefully he'd be crying in his bed room or something and you could just slip in and back out again. But given how he'd been acting towards you lately, he'd probably have another girl around already.
You opened his door as quietly as you could. Good. He wasn't in the living room. Tip toeing across the the room you grabbed your phone, seeing that his bedroom door was open.
You could see him sat on the floor beside his bed leaning against it. His eyes were closed, and his shirt sleeves rolled up which they hadn't been when you'd left.
Spotting some objects on the floor next to him, you felt your heart sink.
He wouldn't be?
He couldn't be?
He knew all about your older sister. How she'd overdosed when you were 14 and how it had torn your family apart.
But you also knew about his own past, him promising you that he was clean.
He just....He couldn't. Right?
And yet, it made sense. It explained the way he'd been acting. It explained his coldness towards you, his indifference. It explained why you'd not seen him in short sleeves for the past few weeks.
You walked closer quietly, wanting to confirm your suspicion but also terrified that you were right.
An old wash bag.
Needles.
Small glass vials.
"YOU FUCKING BASTARD"
He jolted, his eyes opening looking at you then down at the objects at his side.
"YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD."
"No. No no no. I haven't Y/N. I swear. Look at my eyes. I haven't." He scrambled up off the floor coming towards you, his arms reaching out to touch you.
You stepped back. "Do not fucking touch me Spencer Reid. You're a lying piece of shit. I can see the needle pricks on your arm."
Others will have missed them but you'd seen them every day for two years when your sister had been living at home, breaking promise after promise that she'd get clean.
"They're old. I swear it."
You lunged forward, grabbing his arm and inspecting it.
"LIAR!"
You started pointing out the tiny red, almost invisible dots.
"That one's not, nor is that one. I know every inch of your body Spencer. Don't fucking lie to me. How long? When did you last do it."
You were seething. Every ounce of love you had for him was boiling into hatred right then.
He hesitated yanking his arm free."Yesterday. I wanted to tonight, after you stormed out but I couldn't."
"Yesterday? When you were on the job?" You couldn't believe he'd be stupid enough to risk his career.
He had the decency to look sheepish "We er.... We got home last night. Not today like I told you."
THWACK
You heard your palm connect with his face before you felt it.
"I'm sorry Y/N. You were never meant to find out." He was rubbing his jaw.
"When did it start?" You spat out at him.
"After the case. I just.... I just needed to feel numb. Everything that went wrong on that case went wrong because of me. I couldn't sleep, there was too much pain in my mind. It was all my fault."
"So instead of turning to your girlfriend, the person who loves you more than anything in the world, you turn to THIS?"
"I just didn't... I didn't think you'd understand. You don't know how it felt watching my partner get shot in front of me. How it felt feeling her blood rushing through my fingers as I fought to keep her alive. It was my fault. My fault she almost died. My fault those kids died."
"You're right Spencer. I don't understand. But it's my job to learn how to. It's my job to be there for you. I would've made myself understand. I would have helped you. I would have done anything for you."
"Would have?" His eyes were sad.
"Would have. Not now. Not after this. I'm going. I'll leave you to your little fix." You hissed out the word fix your eyes narrowing.
"I wasn't going to Y/N. I wanted to, I needed to. But it finally hit me, that I was pushing you away. I'm sorry. I need you so much. Please don't leave me Y/N. Please don't do this to me." He was begging now, the most emotion he'd shown you in weeks.
"I begged my sister not to leave me Spencer. I begged her to quit. I begged her not to poison herself."
"You're not pushing me away Spencer. You've pushed me away. There's a difference."
You turned, walking out and slamming his door for the second time that night.