You'd texted your boyfriend and told him not to bother coming over. What was the point, you were sure he was going to end up leaving you anyway. Everyone always did. Always.
Snuggling back down in your bed, you pulled the duvet over your head and cocooned yourself in the warmth, closing your eyes and praying for sleep to come quickly. Your eyes were red and sore from crying and your body just felt exhausted.
You didn't know exactly what had triggered this episode, only that you'd woken up two days ago feeling like nothing was right anymore. Which was annoying because you'd been doing so well recently, seven months without an attack, seven months without the crippling fear of despair and feeling of loneliness which threatened to consume you whole.
Spencer had texted you back asking if everything was okay and you replied telling him you felt a little under the weather. Which was true in a sense. It DID feel like it was raining in your heart. The funny thing was, part of the reason for you feeling so sad was because you felt alone. Yet you could solve that so easily by allowing your boyfriend to come round and to be with you. But you didn't want to let him see you this way, have him see how pathetic and emotional you got sometimes. That would definitely make him leave, although THAT was inevitable anyway.
Ugh.
You hated your brain sometimes.
...
"Y/N?"
You heard your front door open and close followed by the sound of Spencers voice calling your name.
Crap. You'd given him a key a few months ago, sometimes he worked so late that he'd just come back to yours and crawl into bed with you and you never even realised he was there until the morning.
You swiped at your face quickly, knowing that it was pointless. The tears you'd been silently crying all morning wouldn't be hidden, your puffy eyes would immediately give it away. You sighed, waiting for him to enter to bedroom which he did a few moments later.
Seeing your red eyes he rushed over to the bed crawling onto it.
"Are you okay? What's wrong. Where does it hurt, what can I do?"
You burst into fresh tears and he took you into his arms, holding you against his chest. You clutched at his shirt like it was your lifeline.
"Are you in pain, Y/N? I'll call an ambulance."
"NO!" You yelled, remembering that he still thought you were ill.
"Then what's wrong? I've never seen you like this before." He rubbed your back in small soothing circles.
"It's silly." Your voice was small and timid.
"If it's making you this upset then of course it's not silly. Tell me, please. So that I can help."
"I'm scared."
"Y/N. Of what?" He pulled away so he could look you in the eyes, and you looked down so that you weren't meeting his.
"Of being alone."
"I..... I don't understand?"
People never did.
"I'm sorry... It's really.... I don't... I can't explain. I just... Everyone leaves. They always have. I just.... I feel so sad sometimes, like there's nothing out there for me and that anyone I find that will make me happy, will leave me."
"Why do you think that?" Spencers voice was soft and quiet, almost like he was coaxing down a kitten from a tree.
"Because I'm weird...I mean I hardly have any close friends, my last three relationships didn't work out and... Ugh. I can't put my feelings into words. There's just something wrong with me, it makes people leave."
Spencer cupped your chin and tilted your face up to him.
"Alright, you say that anyone that makes you happy, leaves you. Do I make you happy?"
"More than anything. I'm the happiest I've been when I'm with you." You sniffed.
"But I'm not going to leave you Y/N. I'm the happiest I've been too now that I have you in my life. You complete it, you really do."
"You're just saying that to be nice." You tried to look away, but he kept his soft grasp on your chin.
"Look at me Y/N. I'm not going anywhere. And as for you saying you don't have many close friends, you do. I've seen you with them remember. And at our age, it's fine not to have a wide circle of friends. It's the ones that you do have, that are important."
"I just.... Spencer... I can't explain it all. It's not just that, but.... I don't know anymore."
He pulled you closer again, kissing your forehead gently.
"I'm so sorry that you're feeling sad. But I need you to know that I love you and I WON'T leave you. Trust me on this. You're perfect to me, and you mean everything to me. It's okay that you don't know what's upsetting you, but you're not alone. I do need you to talk to me though. Don't shut me out when you start to feel sad. Come and tell me and we'll try to work through it however muddled it might seem to you, okay?"
You looked up at him and saw the concern in his beautiful brown eyes. Maybe... maybe he was telling the truth. He looked and sounded like he was.
Maybe, just maybe he did love you.
As if reading your thoughts he reiterated his words one more time.
"I love you, Y/N. I hate seeing you sad. Can I get a smile, just a teeny tiny one?"
You managed a small watery smile at him and he smiled back. "Thats my beautiful girl. Now... I'm here. Do you feel like getting out of bed, or shall I change into my pj's and we can watch movies all afternoon and snuggle."
"Snuggle." You whispered out, so pleased that you somehow hadn't scared him away.
"Excellent. Snuggles with you are my favourite thing."
And afternoon of snuggles might be just what you needed