Ashes falling like snow
As the wind blows the last breathes upon the breeze
Spencer looked at his wife sitting there on the small bench and staring at the new pile of soil that had recently been filled in. Jennifer was sat next to her, holding her hand and rubbing it softly.
He needed to get her home but he didn’t know the words to say to her to get her leave. He didn’t want to leave either, but there was no use staying here. It wouldn’t change anything.
His other colleagues were surrounding him, the last to leave. He knew they’d stay with him until the very end if he asked them to. They’d been there for him since that first morning he’d called into work, he couldn’t come in, something had happened. They’d been devastated for him and for themselves.
They’d loved her too, even though they’d barely had a chance to get to know her.
Ashes falling like snow
All the people you’ll never know that you brought to their knees
Spencer blamed himself and she blamed herself despite the fact that all of the medical professionals, all of their friends, and family had told them that was nothing that either of them could have done. In recent years the percentage of SIDS related deaths had decreased but it was still something that happened.
Just no one ever thought it would happen to them.
He replayed the memories of that morning over and over in his head. The baby hadn’t woken since her 2am feed and his wife had gone in to check on her, letting out a panicked call for Spencer which sent him running. The next few hours were a blur, a blur of doctors and tears, and her falling to her knees when they tried to take the lifeless body from her arms to take to the morgue.
Ten weeks. That was all they’d had. Nine months of waiting for their daughter to be born and they’d only gotten ten weeks with her. They’d had a daughter and now… they didn’t.
Ooo-ooo
Won’t you meet me in the morning?
Ooo-ooo
You left without any warning
Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh
I don’t know where to put you now
She sniffed and wiped away another tear looking over to where Spencer was stood with their colleagues, his black coat flapping in the breeze. JJ was the only one that she’d allowed to sit with her. Because JJ knew at least some of the pain she was going through, the others didn’t. Even Spencer only knew part of her pain.
She was angry at everyone and no one all at the same time. It had taken three weeks before they’d been able to lower the tiny casket into the ground. An investigation had to be carried out with SIDS to rule out any foul play. Police officers and family liaison agents asking them question after question. Even their standing as FBI agents didn’t help, they had to go through the same rigmarole as any other family who had lost a child in this horrendous way.
People floating on down
A strange dance from the towers in the sky
People floating on down
Fire so hot at their backs; better to hit the ground
Lost a child.
What an odd way to put it, she now thought. She hadn’t lost anyone. She knew exactly where her perfectly formed ten week old daughter was. She was in the ground, in a tiny white coffin that looked barely big enough to hold a teddy bear let alone a child filled with all the love, hopes and adoration that she and Spencer had filled her with.
She’d been their angel, their perfect plan.
What happened now? What was she meant to do?
Ooo-ooo
Won’t you meet me in the morning?
Ooo-ooo
You left without any warning
Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh
I don’t know where to put you now
JJ stood from her seat next to her swapping with Spencer who had walked over.
“I’ll wait by the cars for you,” their blonde friend, her Godmother, murmured to them before walking away slowly.
“Sweetie… We should go. It’s getting late.”
She shook her head. Go where? Her daughter was here. At least in the hospital morgue she’d been surrounded by people day and night. Here, she was alone.
“Baby, it’s cold.”
“You go. I’m staying,” she told him, seeing a tear roll down his cheek.
“You can’t. You can’t stay here, you need to come home.”
“I can’t leave her Spencer. She’s… She’s so little and she’s out here all alone. Please don’t make me leave her.” Her voice cracked and more tears fell, stinging her skin which was already chapped and raw from the amount of tears she’d already shed but hadn’t wiped away.
Come back, won’t you come back, won’t you come back
To me
Come back, won’t you come back
To me
Spencer wrapped his arms around his wife, rubbing her back to try to warm her. He was hurting terribly, but he knew that inside she was hurting in a different way. She’d carried the child for nine months, she had that extra bond that at first Spencer had been jealous of. Now though…
It pained him to admit it but now he was glad that he wasn’t her. He felt so much heartache already, but it wasn’t the same as the pain she was experiencing.
Ashes that once were bone
Where do we go from here?
Ashes that once were bone
I’m slipping from my faith
I’m falling with my fear
She clung to him with a ferocity he normally only felt from her when they were making love. Clutching at his coat, she buried her head into his neck whispering over and over “I can’t leave her”.
He looked at the fresh soil wondering how long it would take for it to look like the other graves? How long would it take until it didn’t stick out? How long would it take for this gaping wound in his head and heart to heal?
Probably never, he thought.
What happened now? What was he meant to do?
Ooo-ooo
Won’t you meet me in the morning?
Ooo-ooo
You left without any warning
Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh
I don’t know where to put you now
They sat together crying for a while longer, their colleagues getting into their cars but still not leaving. They wouldn’t leave until he told them to. They didn’t budge when it started to snow, the snowflakes falling quickly and settling on the cold winter ground.
His brushed them off his wife’s shoulders, shaking them out of his hair as he realised that the fresh soil was being quickly covered so that it blended in with the rest of the ground.
“Sweetie… ”
She moved away from his chest, only now realising that it was snowing.
“How will we know where she is. We don’t have a stone yet?” she whispered, her voice stricken.
“We’ll always know. Always. You know where she is and I know where she is. She’s not in the ground, that’s just her body. But her soul will surround us, forever. It’s here,” he touched his chest and then hers, and then for the first time in three weeks he saw the tiniest glimpse of a smile on her lips.
“Can we come back tomorrow?”
“We’ll come back everyday.”
She stood and slipped her hand into his. She was tired and it was cold. And Spencer was right, he always was. They couldn’t do anything here. They couldn’t do anything, anywhere. Not really.
They just had to figure out what happened now. What they were meant to do.
Ashes like snow
Where did you go-oh?