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"He wrote you a letter.." Yusuf pulls away from me. It had been several hours later from my breakdown. A few minutes ago I was locking myself in my room but everyone wanted to speak to me. I didn't want to see my mother or Abdul, since they'll remind me of what Omar had said. I didn't want to see Abeera for the solid fact that she wouldn't understand since Omar isn't her real dad. And clearly Mariam has nothing to do with any of this so why involve her.
The only one I had felt the closest to was Yusuf. So when he knocked my door for the second time I did open it, and here we are. Me crying on his shoulder and him comforting me.
My eyes flickered to his. "A letter?" my heart beat quicken.
Yusuf gives a small smile, turning away from me to reach into his back pocket. "I was gonna give it to you once you were feeling better." He explains.
He unfolds the wrinkled piece of paper, and hands it to me. I stare at the paper dumbly. With steady hands I turned the paper over to see red ink all over it. What shocked me the most was the fact that our hand writing were so similar, we both shared the same curved R's and the computer typed 'a' that not much people use when handwriting. But besides the similar writing there was something I realized as soon as I saw the paper.
I couldn't read it.
Tears started forming in my eyes as I hand the paper back to Yusuf. He looks at me in confusion.
"What?" He looks at the paper than back at me. "I didn't read it yet, none of us did-"
"I can't read it. I just can't.. read it." my throat began to close up again.
Yusuf frowns sadly at this answer and stares at the words. "Want me to read it to you?"
I nod. He sighs and straightens the paper. Clearing his throat I quickly got ready for him to read it to me.
"Dear Sofia, I hope you are reading this and I hope you aren't crying because I would feel even worse for what I have done to you. One of the many things I wanted to accomplish was for you to feel nothing but peace and calmness and also a happy life. I've realized that I have .. failed as a father since I hadn't been there for you. I apologize for telling you that I had weeks to live, I just didn't want you to worry over a person like me. I wanted you to enjoy your blessed life with your amazing family. I wanted you to show everyone how smart and wonderful you are, even if I may not know since we are closer to strangers than anything. But I can just tell that you are smart, and that you are guided and you are loved. This fact makes me feel pleased. It makes my old heart feel relaxed. I know that I'll be leaving this world with you happy and having everything you need in life. That's all I ever wanted, I wanted nothing more than your happiness Sabrina. And I say Sabrina because that would've been your name if your mother hadn't told me it's overused. Haha. Any who I'm getting off topic, I just want you to know that my death or the reason why I left shouldn't be blamed on anyone other than me. If you feel the need to shout at someone, shout at me. If you want to accuse someone, accuse me. Because it's no ones fault but mine for my absence and death. I love you Sofia, since the day you were born and till the day you die. I hope to meet you again. Sincerely, Omar."
"I love you too." I whisper.
***
Adam's POV
Since I got back home I noticed how tired my mom is and decided to do the chores for once. Even though it's thanksgiving break shes still working because we hadn't payed the last rent and the new one is already here. I don't understand what it is, maybe its the videos I had watched about respecting your mother or something, because ever since than I have been treated my mom so kindly. Even she's shocked. So clearly she was even more shocked when I had said that I'll clean the house and do the chores while she can rest.
With her out of my way, I started cleaning the living room, then the kitchen, then the bathroom. When I was done with my room and my mom's I had collapsed onto my bed. Is that how she feels when cleaning? My back hurts from all the bending and my legs are tired. Four hours of just cleaning, wow. I should be more thankful whenever she cleans from now on.
I shut my eyes, crossing my arms over my head. Thinking of nothing but earlier today and how I told Sofia I was gonna convert. What was up with her expression, why had she seem so uncaring. Almost like she expected this from me, had she known all along that I was gonna convert? Or am I over analyzing it all.
I'm probably over analyzing it. The only explanation for the way she had reacted would be that her mind was elsewhere and she couldn't focus on two things at once so she choose to not pay attention to what I had said. But who was she thinking about than. Could it have been Zafir.. Is that why her phone kept going off is it because he was calling her? Did she lie to me.
Ugh, what is wrong with me. I shouldn't care. I warned her about Zafir and told her the truth about him if she chooses to still communicate with him than it's on her. I did my part. So than why, why do I hate saying Zafir and Sofia in the same sentence. Why do I care if she hadn't seemed interested when I told her I was gonna convert. Why do I care about Sofia at all? I knew the answer of course but I wasn't gonna let it out, I refuse to. I will continue to build these walls that protect me from getting hurt if that's what it takes. I'll never admit it, because it isn't true. I don't have feelings for Sofia, why would I? She's just a friend..
'What I don't understand is why you need my approval'. She had said in the cafe and I just hate how shes right all the time! Why do I need her approval. If she doesn't believe me than who cares, I have Yusuf on my side who freaking saw the whole thing going down. My name is cleared. Someone believes me, it may not be her but its still someone.
I still don't feel satisfied. I still don't feel like I accomplished anything or that I've cleared my name. Who cares about these walls, I have to say it once before I lose my mind. I have to admit it before I go insane. It's the answer that I force to ignore, it's the truth.
I love Sofia.
I snapped my eyes open in shock. "Oh my god.. I love Sofia." It makes sense, all my questions are answered.
The reason why I hate hearing Zafir and Sofia in the same sentence is because I love her. The reason why I need her approval is because I love her, the reason why I care about her is because I love her. I love her. I-
Ugh. What do I do now. Should I call her up? Or should I just wait till break is over and see her at school. But that's too long of a wait, I can't wait a whole week to see her. How about I call her.
I turn on the lap near to me, and search for my phone. It lay on the floor, the blue case facing up. I pick up my phone and click on her name. Just before I hit call I realized something. What would I tell her?
It doesn't matter. I click call, and place the phone to my ear. I wait on after the third beep to hear the phone picked up.
"Hello." I say waiting for the other side of the line.
"..yeah I'll deal with ... okay.." That's all I heard from the other line, she was clearly with someone. And judging by the other voice it must be Yusuf. I hear a door closing in the background and then silence.
"Hello." I repeat again.
"Listen," her voice is static and muffled due to her phone. "I don't want to ever speak to you again, I don't want to see you again. Whatever we are it's done. I can't be friends with you, we-" My chest tightens, and I frown in utter confusion.
"Wait, what?"
"-will never speak to each other ever again. So stop calling me because I'll be blocking your number from now on." Her voice cracks and it hits me.
"Sofia.. are you crying?" I ask, the other line is silent for awhile.
"...shut up." her voice cracks.
"What happened?"
"You! You happened!" She shouts through the phone.
"I don't understand what did I do?" I wait for her to reply but she continues to cry. "Sofia.."
"When you kept going on about converting and told me to turn off my phone and I did, but ..it was an important call from Yusuf! And I would've answered the damn thing if you hadn't kept telling me to turn my phone off! But then I did and now... Omar is dead."
My mouth drops open and my grip on the phone tightens. "Sofia, I am so sorry. If I-"
"I would have answered it if you hadn't told me to turn it off I would've.." her voice breaks and I feel a wave of guilt rush over me.
"Sofia you can't blame me on this one, okay? I feel tremendously sorry for you and Omar, but I had no clue the call would be anything like that. It was totally unexpected, but if you need someone to blame right now then you can blame me." I say calmly, anticipating on her next words.
"He told me he had weeks.." she cries through the other line. "He lied to me because h-he wanted to protect me?" she hiccups. "But how was what he did protecting me? I don't understand anything anymore, and now he's dead. I just.. I can't.." she starts hyperventilating.
"Sofia! Calm down, okay. Just breath."
"I can't." She struggles to say.
"Take slow breaths okay. Everything is gonna be better, its gonna get much better. All you have to do is be patient and you'll see how everything will change." I say this and it sounds all too familiar, maybe the wording is different but the message is still the same. This was what she would say to me when we had met in September, and now this is what I'm saying to her a month later.
Her breathing slowed down a bit and she was know much audible than she had been.
"He gave me a letter." she laughs. "It was like he knew I wasn't going to be there." she continues to laugh and it just hurts me to know how broken she is. "Want me to read it."
"I rather you not. It's a personal message, I shouldn't hear about it." I say politely. The other line is silent and I'm use to the slow replies so instead of saying 'hello', I actually wait for here to catch up with the rest of the world. Cause I too know the feeling of being left behind.
She sniffs. "In the letter he told me to not blame anyone but himself. But.. I can't blame him for dying. It wasn't his fault for any of this. I just.. it'd be easier to blame you. Much easier. And I want to do that but than that would mean I have to lose contact with you like I had said and I don't want to do that. I don't want to forget you. You're the only one I know I can trust in this messed up world, you're the only one I feel like I share the most similarities with even if I don't know what those similarities might be.."
My mind is spinning with everything she is saying. Cause I feel the exact same thing with her. To try and ignore Sofia, is like doing the impossible because I just can't do it. And to know that she trusts me makes me feel all kinds of emotions. No one has ever had trust in me before, so to know that someone that is way ahead of league puts their trust into me is just shocking. I two don't know what those similarities between us might be, but I agree that there there. I can't contain my excitement.
"I can't lose two people on the same day."
"I understand."
"Bye."
***