Take Me Home - Jess Glynne
Emma
To say it has been the worst week of my life would be a wildly gross understatement.
Thinking back on the last few days I now realize that my entire being has been utterly consumed by one emotion. This terrible ache in the pit of my gut has been eating away at me and I know that there is only one thing that can fix this.
I'm terrified.
Heading over to Harry's to hopefully sort this out is the most nerve wracking thing I have had to deal with since I was a young girl. I know it might seem silly, it's just Harry, then again it's not 'only Harry' is it?
He's everything.
So for these past few days this jumble of nerves and emotion is all I have been able to think about. The nerves of going to his door. The high probability of his rejection after my horrible behavior over the past couple weeks. What if I am simply too late? What if the other night out in the rain was my last chance? Our last chance?
Of course none of this means anything until I get my butt off my bed and out my room. I can't seem to get enough courage to actually get up and tell the one person I care about more than anything else in the entire world how I feel.
Fuck.
Tangling my fingers through my hair I flop back on my mattress frustrated in my lack of courage. But still I haven't even been able to muster up the courage to even leave my room at this point in time.
I'm scared.
But I'm not sure what I'm more nervous about, showing up at his door and being turned away or actually being happy with the one person who could break my heart for a second time (albeit the first time he was completely unaware of his power over me, we were only eight afterall).
I know what I have to do, I can sit here going through every terrifying outcome in my head but I cannot deny this other feeling that has made it's way into my head and my heart. I have something now that that I never had before.
A little twinkle of hope.
It's kind of ridiculous actually. I don't even know Louis all that well and still it's taken him showing up and telling me to be with Harry to show me that there was nothing reasonable holding me back. I finally have something that could actually push the fear aside and just...
I've never been one for courage. People say I'm a strong person and other bullshit like that but honestly, strength and courage aren't things that I ever thought I possessed. Not in terms of true emotion and feeling anyway. It's one thing to push through and allow your body to heal but it's another thing to try and deal with the mental and emotional repercussions of the things that happened.
In the past I would let my lack of courage just keep me away, allow me to take the easy way out of anything. But now, with the thought of Harry slipping through my fingers because of this shitty situation and the spark that Louis ignited in me just a few hours ago, I'm getting closer and closer to actually leaving the comfort of my bed and finding Harry.
It's hard you know, Harry and I have fought in the past but the way he looked the split second before I walked away broke my heart into a million pieces. The only thing I wasn't counting on was that I could do all the damage I was capable of before I let him in. It's all my fault and I need to fix it, my mind is ready for this...
My body on the other hand, well let's just say it has a mind of it's own.
Now that I find myself out and about in the fresh air I am ashamed to say that instead of going straight to Harry's like I should after Louis' little pep talk I am rather walking down the high street in the pouring rain down to Fletchers.
Liquid courage, that's what I need.
I don't even care that I am getting drenched walking towards the pub. I just have no will left inside to care about what I look like or even grab an umbrella before I ventured outside.
Yes, I sound like a crazy person but to be truthful, I love the rain. I feel protected by it, even if I look like death is about to come over. If I was a normal girl seeking out a guy I would have gotten all made up and looking my best but I need him now and I am selfish enough to show up at his apartment soaking wet ready to give myself to him not matter how terrified I am.
All I want is his arms around me, telling me he's here and saying we'll be ok. His words of encouragement mixed in with his deep husky voice are just the things I need to make this whole situation better. I know it.
As I make my way to the pub I am flooded by the fact, yes the fact, that Harry knows nothing real about me, well nothing about my past at least. The stuff that has shaped me as a person anyway. How can I have a relationship with someone when they don't even know such fundamental things? I can't think about this now, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
One emotional admission at a time Emma. Find a drink, that's what you need.
You're at the door, all you have to do is grab the knob and pull the door open.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Using alcohol, no matter how reckless it is, has always been my way of dealing with things. Even while growing up I found a way to gain access to the heavenly bottle and drown my troubles until I didn't remember what happened. It never lasted too long but for those few moments when I was free of all those troubles were the best the moment's of the day.
But that was then and this... well I don't know what the fuck this is yet as I stand here just staring into the lively pub that I have loved going in so often.
A rowdy group of coed's trying to get past me and into the bar pull me from my thoughts and cause me to stumble to the side and watch the movement inside. Staring into the busy bar, just looking at all the fun people are having, a flash of chestnut curls catch my attention. No, I'm mistaken obviously. It's still raining outside and my eyes are still puffy so I'm definitely seeing things. Harry has been the main thing running through my mind this whole time so of course I think it's him but it's not obviously.
He's waiting, Louis said.
I'm struck by how rational I am being at this moment. The old Emma, even the Emma from a few days ago, would burst into the pub and find out what's going on but I'm not.
What on earth has changed? Well a lot has but I would have never thought enough to actually make me grow as a person.
Before I can overanalyze any further the mess of familiar looking chestnut curls is gone and I am left in the cold damp street in the middle of the night.
I feel my heart suddenly spring up in my throat, my body obviously reacting more emotionally than my mind. It feels like I'm choking as my heart pounds on. My rational self knows it's not him but my heart, it's heavy with the thought that he's out having a good time with that blonde from the other night. The image of Harry with his tongue down her throat flash through my mind making me feel sick to my stomach. If my eyes weren't already swollen from crying earlier I don't think I would even feel that I had started up again but I do.
I'm still not ready to go to his apartment yet and without some liquid courage there is really only one thing left to do, just walk.
And that's what I do. I do this sometimes, I just go out and start walking. No real destination or purpose to it, I just walk. Clear my head and breath in the cool fresh air.
I have no idea how long I've been walking around when I suddenly find myself at his building. The street is dark and quiet, the rain only a faint drizzle now. I'm soaking and my face is clammy from the constant flow of tears running down my face. I've been silently crying the whole time, the nerves of coming so close to the moment.
Seeing him after how horrible I was is tearing through me. There is no easing into this, I haven't seen him on campus or in class. This is the first moment I'm actually seeing him since after Lina's dinner when everything fell apart.
I skulk up his stairs the four flights and here I am once again. Waiting, willing myself to knock on his door but I can't.
God damn it Emma just knock his damn door! Please, just do it.
I start crying even harder as I ball my hand into a small fist and let it hover over the wood. My heart is beating so fast I can barely breathe, my legs are weak and I feel lightheaded. I can hear a ringing in my ears as my whole body shakes, shivers running through my completely soaked body.
What if he slams the door in my face? Says it's over– No this is Harry, he wouldn't do that no matter how pissed off he is with me... right?
Placing my other hand on the door for balance I begin knocking, quiet nerve induced sobs still racking through my body.
Harry. Please open the door.
It feels like forever before I hear the door being unlocked. I take a step back and bow my head finally realizing how selfish I'm being, showing up at his door, tears running down my face, skin soaked through. I did this on purpose didn't I? I know he can't resist helping people, especially me in the condition I am in at the moment.
He finally opens the door standing in his boxers and a tee, his hair messy from his pillows. He is still half asleep as he holds the door open for me but I can't move, I'm paralyzed. HE takes a deep breath, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand before looking at me. He's half asleep but I need to get this out.
But there are no words, fuck. If I wasn't nervous enough before seeing him in this breifs, running his fingers through his hair trying to wake himself up is not making this situation any easier.
"Em what are you-" he tries to say but I interrupt him, his words igniting this surge of energy as the words start falling out of my mouth with no restraint.
"I'm sorry. I...I don't know why I walked away the other night. Believe me I didn't want to hurt you, that's the absolute last thing I ever want to do no matter what we've gone through in the past. I was just so scared, I am so scared. You're...you are my best friend. A day without you is like a day without air and believe me I know how fucking sappy that is but it's true." My whole body is tumbling as the words keep tumbling out. "I heard what you said the other day, things have changed...between us I mean. And I don't know why I denied it. I...I was just scared but the truth is..." here it is, the moment of truth and suddenly my words are stuck in my throat. "The...truth...is you're my home Harry. You always have been and I know I'm probably too late. And I know that me coming here like this is the most selfish thing I could do. Standing here soaking wet begging you to give me another chance but I am because this week has been awful, worse than when you left before and..."
I am stopped by Harry's long arms wrapping around my body pulling me into him. For some reason I know I don't need to say anything more so I just cry into his chest. He is so warm and comforting, stroking my hair. I'm safe.
"Em come in, you're shaking."
Before I know it he's pulling me into his apartment as I clutch onto his shirt staining it with my tears. I hear the door click shut and the next thing I know we're on the couch, his arms wrapped around me pulling onto his lap and against his firm chest. If he is saying anything to me I can't register any of it. I am so blinded by the fact that I am here, in his arms and everything seems ok in this one perfect moment.
I don't know how long we sit there holding each other before Harry pulls a blanket around the both of us warming my chilled body instantly. He gently rubs my back with his hand relaxing my muscles with every stroke. Suddenly he's sliding his fingers under my chin pulling my head up to face him. His expression is unreadable.
His he still angry with me? Does he want me here? Is he just taking pity on me?
"I'm sorry I–" I whisper before he places his fingers on my lips.
"Shh" he stops me with a smile crossing his face.
"I don't mean to hurt you more by coming here an–"
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you" his fingers strumming my lips ever so gently as he continues. "Although I hadn't imagined you soaking wet with makeup running down your face." He finishes off with a gentle chuckle making me smile in response.
"You're unbelieveable Haz, we both know I don't wear makeup" I say a matter a factly with a lite chuckle, sliding my hands over his upper chest. Of course he's taking a piss while I'm trying to have a tender moment.
"Ya I know, but you love it" and for the first time since my birthday he's his old self, shamelessly charming and carefree. The only difference is I'm wrapped up in his arms with his green eyes staring down at me.
Then slowly the air around us shifts, his eyes moving down to look at my lips.
He leans in closer, pressing his forehead onto mine. My heart begins beating faster, pounding against my chest so hard I am sure he can feel it.
"Em?" his voice is low and husky.
He is so damn sexy.
"Haz?" staring up into his sparkling green eyes.
"Really wanna kiss you now" he breathe, the smirk coming back across his face. My breath gets stuck in my throat at his admission. I'm so scared at what this means, what letting him kiss me starts between us but the feelings I have for him are the only things that matter. His long arms wrapped around me, holding me close against him, his warm breath against my skin.
He leans in closer, nudging his nose against mine as I wrap my arms around his neck, reciprocating his motions.
"God I've missed you" and before I can say anything in response he's pressing his perfect lips against mine sending shock waves through my body. Goosebumps spring up as he pulls his hand to the base of my neck, threading his fingers through my hair pulling me in closer.
The electricity between us is so unbelievable I can barely function. I pull him in closer, clutching onto him like if I let go he'll just slip away. I know I wouldn't be able to go through this again, it's taken everything in me to just show up and the smile he gave me when he finally realized what this all means is incredible, making every fear leading up to this perfect moment worth it.
He lowers his arms so they are now wrapped around the base of my back pulling me up without breaking our connection. I gently pull away from his face so I can look down at him. His eyes are still closed but the smile across his face warms my heart unlike any other thing in the world. I cup his face when I'm settled on his lap and press my lips against his once again. I put everything I have into this kiss, trying to show him with everything I have that I want him...us...this more than anything in the world. I'm done being scared.
The feel of his lips against mine is the most intoxicating thing in the world as he slips his tongue nudging against mine to deepen the kiss. God this is amazing.
Moments later he's moving his delectable lips against my jaw and down my neck before he settles to nipping and licking the skin beneath my ear. How can he already now the right buttons to push to ignite this kind of pleasure through my entire body. I clutch onto his shoulders, pulling him to me closing my eyes to the rest of the world only feeling his lips against my skin.
He is everything I have ever needed and I hate myself for taking so long to come to terms with it, the inevitability that is us. And even though he has never said it I know he knows this as a fact as well.
I feel his arms tighten around me pulling his head back to look up at me. Slowly I lean down about to reattach my lips to his when I hear movement in his room. He tenses beneath me diverting his eyes from mine still holding me close to him. Ever so slowly lift my head to face the door to his room as my heart plummets through the floor.
This can't be happening...
We stay still, unmoving as I listen to the soft footsteps walking around his room. I sense his eyes back on me but I can't bring myself look at him, this just can't be happening.
"Harry?"
Her voice rips through the silence that had engulfed the room. My heart that had been pounding so hard during our kiss seems to have stopped altogether.
There's no air. There is nothing as I watch the door open, confirming my fear that I never knew I had. The blonde from the other night standing in his bedroom doorway, in one of Harry's button downs... and nothing else.
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A/N: I really have no words apart from I hope you enjoyed the chapter and would love to hear what you think!
Thanks for all the support thus far, it's been so great! Thank you.
KEEP the VOTES and COMMENTS coming!
All the love, C.