S a m
"But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless." - Secret Love Song, Pt. II, Little Mix
If only life was filled
With hope and second chances
Then maybe we'd all have a chance
To move on.
*
Sam,
Before you read on, I want you to know that writing this letter wasn't easy for me at all. And I want you to know that the only reason I'm doing this is because we both know that this is what's best for us.
I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry for leading you on, if I did. I'm sorry for wearing a mask and pretending that everything is okay with you and with me. I know you have your own problems that you aren't ready to show the world but neither am I. I think we should both take a step back and heal ourselves.
Neither of us need another person to tell us that we're broken and not where we're meant to be.
I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't feel it, that I didn't feel what we had. Because I did. I felt it and it felt read and it terrified me.
I'm writing this down because I'm a coward and I don't dare to admit it to you person. I don't even dare to admit it to myself up until now. But through these words, all meant for you, it feels okay. I feel safe. Because maybe you've felt this way as well.
And maybe I'm wrong and if I am, I'm sorry for assuming. But this is how I feel.
And this is me telling you that I have to walk away before it's too late, no matter how hard it may be to me and maybe, to you as well. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't think we were meant to last anyway.
You don't know me and I don't know you and we are just two passing people who happen to meet, just for a fleeting moment.
I'm sorry, Sam, for all the confusion and pain I may have caused, I truly am. I'm so sorry.
But you're better off without me.
I wish you a speedy recovery and all the best in your future endeavours.
Louisa
*
I hope it wasn't a mistake sending the text I did. I had to do it. I couldn't just let someone else I care about, no matter how small or little it may be, slip away again. I've to admit, all I've been doing since Lily's accident is push people away.
I thought it would help. I thought that, by closing myself up, I could stop the pain and hurt I felt inside but now I know that it isn't the case.
I hadn't meant to open up to anyone, and certainly not to the girl I met over the summer, but I did. And it felt good. It felt good to finally let go and tell someone my side of the story instead of everyone finding out from the papers or some other source.
But it's too late now, isn't it.
I did it again.
I pushed her away without meaning to.
Did you really not mean to?
Or are you just saying that to ease your conscience and heal your bruised ego?
At any rate, it's been hours since I pressed 'send' and she hasn't replied. Maybe she didn't read it. Maybe something happened to her.
Maybe she just doesn't want to see you.
I stayed up all night, tossing and turning, unable to get any shut eye, no matter how hard I tried. By five in the morning, I had completely given up on the idea of sleep and decided to get some fresh air and, somehow, found myself watching the sunrise by the beach.
And I've got to admit. Early mornings are certainly much more peaceful than late nights. I'm not sure what is it about them that gives it that refreshing feel. Or maybe it's all just in my mind.
With no agenda for the day except for the sunset meeting with Lou - I hope - I decided to spend the day just sitting by the beach, thinking, with the occasional toilet and meal breaks. I'm not even sure what I'm thinking about or where my mind is wandering off to.
I don't know. There's just something about this summer that made me question everything I thought I knew. Or didn't know.
I don't even know what I know or what I'm doing at this point. I don't know where to go or what to do. How can one person change my life so drastically? One person I barely even know. I wish I could say otherwise, but that's the truth.
All Lou and I did was spend a little bit of time together, talking and having fun, but that's far from a foundation for a relationship, if there was even a chance in the first place.
I guess this is what people would term 'the ripple effect', where one small act leads to big changes. And it certainly did. In my life anyway. I'm not sure how Lou feels about all this. Yes, I've read her letter but I'll never know if that's how she feels or if it's just a strong front she's put up.
"Sam!"
My ears perk up at the sound of my name and I turn towards my newfound companion.
"Jasmine. What a coincidence," I say as she takes a seat on the sand beside me.
She shrugs. "I just decided to take a walk and saw you here," she replies. "And it's been a while since we've properly talked so I thought we could catch up a bit."
Great. What perfect timing.
I mean, I don't have anything against Jas or against catching up with her. It's just that she had to choose such a time to do that, when I am far from wanting to make small talk with anyone.
You're doing it again.
Pushing people away.
You said you wanted to stop.
What happened, Sam?
"Yeah, yeah, sure," I answer nonchalantly, continue gazing at the horizon, hoping Jas will get the message that I'm not in the mood.
But, of course, this is Jas we're talking about. She's horrible at reading people and the situation.
"Great. So what have you been up to?" she asks cheerily.
I shrug. "Nothing much. The usual."
"Come on, Sam. There's no 'usual' here. You've just finished high school. Aren't you excited for college?"
I shake my head. "I decided to take a gap year. I don't feel ready to go to college and I definitely could use the break."
Not that many would understand.
"Why? You're just going to waste time? Why not finish with all this studying thing faster?"
My point proven.
"I won't be wasting time if I plan it properly. Besides, what's the point of forcing myself through another four years of school if my heart is not in it?"
She sighs. "This is about Lily, isn't it Sam?"
I shrug once again, not feeling like replying.
Is this still about Lily?
I don't even know anymore.
Oh, you definitely know the answer to that.
You just need to have the courage to admit it.
"Come on, Sam. It's been how many years? You don't have to mourn over her anymore. You should move on. She would've wanted that."
"What does it matter? She's not here anymore, is she?" I reply coldly, clenching my fists to stop myself from bursting.
Why does everyone always assume that everything is about her? I mean, yes, her death did ruin me quite a lot but I am a completely different person from when she knew me. But, like I said, what does it matter? She's not here with us, and she never will be anymore.
"Sam," she says, exasperated. "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just worried about you."
"You're worried about me?" I ask, scoffing. "Please, Jas. Save yourself the lies. You haven't spoken to me since her funeral and you dare to tell me that you're worried about me."
"But the other day-"
"Doesn't count," I reply forcefully, cutting her off. "I was sick and I just so happen to find myself in your yard. You were just being polite."
"Please don't push me away, Sam. Don't push me away again."
"Again? When was I even close to you?"
I'm not sure what's gotten into me, why I'm so worked up. I barely even know Jas. I just know her as Lily's little sister.
I sigh. "No, Jas, don't answer that. I'm sorry for lashing out on you. I didn't mean to. It's just that a lot has been going on in my life recently and I don't know what to do."
She gives me a sad smile. "It's fine, Sam. I understand. Just know that I meant what I said the other day. That I'll always be here for you," she replies softly, placing a hand on my arm.
"Thanks, Jas. That means a lot."
"It's my pleasure."
"So what have you been up to?" I ask, desperate to change the topic.
"Nothing much. Mostly just lazing around and hanging out with a couple of people but other than that, nothing."
"Cool."
"It's been really quiet without you around. Do you know that?"
"Jas," I start, "I haven't been around for years. I don't think my absence this summer made that much of a difference."
"Well, your absence over the years has made a lot of difference." She pauses, staring blankly into the horizon. "To me, at least," she whispers, averting her attention to me.
She leans in and presses her lips to mine. Caught up in the heat of the moment, I close my eyes and kiss her back, not thinking clearly at all.
She pulls away to catch a breath, our foreheads against each other's, our noses brushing.
"Lily-"
I freeze, barely catching myself say her sister's name instead.
But that did the trick. It brought me back to reality and what I was just about to throw myself into.
I pull away from her, horrified and slightly repelled by her actions. "Jasmine, what were you thinking?" I say through gritted teeth. "This is hardly appropriate."
"I'm so sorry, Sam. I just thought that you might have felt the same way," she replies hastily. "Please, Sam. I'm sorry."
I shake my head. "No, Jasmine. You know how I felt about your sister. What do you think she would say if she say you like this?"
"I'm sorry, Sam. Forget about it. Let's pretend it never happened."
"No. I'm sorry, Jasmine, but I've got to go," I say, getting to my feet.
But to where?
I'm supposed to be here, waiting for Lou to arrive.
Or not arrive.
And now, Jasmine has come along and ruined the plan. If I don't leave, she's going to read into it and make matters even worse but if I do, and Lou comes, what is she going to think of me?
I force myself to take a step forward, towards the stairs that lead out of the beach, just as my phone vibrates in my pocket.
"Sam. Please. Come back," she calls out, desperation and panic laced in her voice.
Go back.
No.
It's not right.
After what Lou told me and what - hopefully - I'm about to tell her, it just isn't right. We may not be an item but I owe it to Louisa to be honest and not to play around with other girls. She deserves at least that.
I unlock my phone, only to see that I have one unread message. I bring up the app and open the message and it feels like a million knives stabbing me in the back. It's a multimedia message and open the attachment before reading the actual message.
Attached is a blurred picture of the beach, with Jasmine and I sitting on the golden sand, lips locked.
My hands shake as I close the window and read the message.
No, Lou. I promise it's not what it seems.
But even if I told her that, it'd be too late. I had already severed whatever ounce of possibility we had to make it work.
It's too late.
It really is too late this time.
There's no going back.
[1 attachment]
Goodbye, Sam - Lou
___
A/N: Don't you just absolutely hate being at the wrong place at the wrong time? Misunderstandings always stem from these kinds of situations. Do you think Sam will ever be able to convince Lou that what she saw wasn't quite what happened?
Have you yourself ever been in that kind of situation? I haven't :3
Thank you for reading! Please vote and comment if you enjoyed it. And I know I've said it before but please check out 29 Words if you haven't already.
Okay! Love you!