One day I'll heal but I'll be covered in scars, and I'll never forget watching it all fall apart when you finally came clean about the lies & the games that you played from the start. It's like every second we spent together is always on repeat in the back of my mind. What was I thinking when I gave you my life?
Red tooth and claws - Memphis may fire
Everyone has a different way to deal with heartbreaks. Some cry buckets of tears and a whole eat ice cream tub by themselves. Some drinks their sorrow away, letting alcohol lull them into oblivion. Some are in denial and refuse to believe what's happening.
Teenagers tends to lean toward two options: crying or denial. Sometimes, alcohol is thrown in there but, let's not think about that.
Being in denial often happen one isn't over the other. Love isn't always a mutual feeling. Sometimes, one grow apart and 'stops' having feeling for their lover - or find a new love interest. Most of the time, the person who didn't make the decision is still in love with their partner which is why they refuse to accept the situation.
Accepting means this is officially over.
Unless you're the one who made the decision - even then -, breakups always comes with tears. It doesn't matter how much; whether it's a bucket or a stray tear.
Heartbreaks hurts and the only way to cure it is to go trough all the painful steps.
Accepting the situation. This is probably the hardest - next to moving on, of course. You've been hurt, and you feel sad. These are normal emotions, and you need to accept that they are happening.
It can take days, weeks or months to accept the situation and it's okay.
Some takes years to accept the end of a relationship. It's a little extreme but not impossible, no one heals the same way or at the same pace. Everyone is different.
Luke was a mess. He was mad. He was sad. He was-
His feelings were all messed up; he didn't know how to feel.
Luke said nothing on the ride home, he only stared out the window in silence. Sometimes silence is good but in this case, Luke's silence was violent. His mum was hoping to talk with him when they got home but the teenage boy was quick and jumped out of the car as soon as they were parked and went straight to his bedroom without a word, closing the door behind him.
Liz shrugged it off and went in the kitchen to start dinner, thinking he was mad about being pulled out of the play.
If only she knew what was going on in her son's head...or life.
Behind the closed door, Luke closed his eyes, pushing back his tears. He refused to cry. Crying means weakness and he's not weak. He doesn't want to be weak.
He sat on the floor, letting his back slide against the door as he rubbed his face furiously with his hands, almost scratching his skin with his blunt-cut nails. He was frustrated and thought this might help putting order in his thoughts and emotions.
But it didn't help. If anything, it only made him more frustrated. During his crazy rubbing, Luke felt something tugging at his skin under his sleeve.
His cuts.
He completely forgot about that! He didn't cut deep enough if he was able to forget the pain in his arm... Blood must've dried and stuck to the fabric of his hoodie. Shit, this means his mum will see it when she does laundry. He told her he wouldn't do it again. He's fucked.
Luke winced as he tried to pull up his sleeve. He was right, it's stuck and if he pulls too hard, the cuts will bleed again and he'll make a mess on his floor and bedroom. What if his mum sees something like a drop of blood somewhere on his floor or comforter? She'll freak out.
He pushed himself up from the floor, opened his door and headed to the bathroom. Maybe he can wash the sleeve? The blood stain might come off if he scrubs hard enough. He needs to try, he loves this hoodie, he doesn't want to throw it away because of some stupid blood stains.
Taking off the hoodie was tricky and difficult. Luke carefully tried to not tear at his fresh scars but it was inevitable. The fuzzy fabric of his hoodie was well stuck with his dried blood. He should've been more careful and waited longer before pulling his sleeve down.
Once it was off, Luke took a bit of soap and started scrubbing the stain. He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed but it wasn't working. On the contrary, the stain expanded, making it worse. That didn't stop him, he continue scrubbing till his hands hurts because, fuck, he loves that hoodie. It's the one Kellin accidentally took home one day and- Kellin.
The name made Luke drop the soap and hoodie into the sink as thoughts started flooding his brain. Thoughts he was desperately trying to push away. Flashbacks. Things he wanted to forget they ever happen, that they were real.
It's crazy how quickly things can go downhill. This afternoon has been madness. He's felt major emotional up and downs in the span of twenty minutes and he doesn't really know where he stands now.
He's emotionally lost and really confused.
Luke doesn't know what upsets him the most. Being rejected by Kellin, the one he loved or being pulled from the play, the only think he really enjoyed doing.
The play was everything to Luke. He loved performing every - or so - nights. He loved being a part of this adventure with his friends. The costumes were ugly and Marie was always watching him and reporting his every moves but he loved it anyway.
He was great at acting and had lots of fun. He felt wanted.
Although Luke was sad of not being a part of this adventure anymore, the sadness was nowhere as painful as how he felt when Kellin told him he didn't feel the same. That he didn't have feelings for the young blonde.
Kellin's rejection hit him like train barreling down a railroad track. He didn't see it coming. The night before, they kissed and made out in the lodge. It was really, really nice and maybe Luke's mind made up things because now that he think about it, it was nothing more than that: a kiss.
What he thought were loving touches were only lust. Kellin didn't like him - not like Luke does. He just wanted his body for a good fling, something Luke wasn't quite ready for. He's sixteen for fuck's sake, he doesn't want to have meaningless sex with his crush, he wants him to love him.
Luke thought Kellin could love him; that the raven haired boy had developed feelings for him after all this time they've spent together. He took away his first kiss and Luke was so happy that Kellin was the one to have it.He thought this kiss meant something to Kellin, too.
He clearly got caught in the moment because if Luke would've paid attention, he would've noticed the kiss wasn't filled with feelings and love but only lust.
Realizing how stupid he was, tears started coming from his clear, blue eyes. He tried to hard to fight them back but he couldn't hold them in anymore. It hurts too much. His love for the older boy was so strong that it completely blinded him and let Kellin use him and his body. He knew of Luke's feelings. Kellin took advantage of this and used him to have a good time and that angers Luke.
He took deep breaths, blinking a lot as more hot tears roll down his cheeks. He stared at the angry scars on his arm, varying in color and texture. Some were pink and slowly healing while some were bright red and bleeding a little.
Luke closed his eyes for a few seconds, biting his lip and releasing a series of wet, held-back sobs. Moving from the sink, he turned on the shower, the sound of water swallowing the sound of his sobs so his mother wouldn't hear him.
He wasn't planning on taking a shower but figured out that his mum would get suspicious if she hears water running and he's not wet when he gets out of the bathroom. Slowly, he undid his pants and let them fall on the floor along his boxers and hopped in.
He sat in the shower, hugging his knee to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself as he sobbed into his knees while the water poured on him.
It's a typical thing to do: crying in the shower. But it works. No one can hear him cry his heart out.
Kellin. His name pounds in Luke's head, as if it's tattooing itself onto his brain. Kellin. Kellin. Kellin.
Why did he break his perfectly good heart? Why did he have to be the one to make the very first scar?
Luke cried for what felt like hours under the shower stream. He cried till his eyes hurt from crying so much. He cried till he couldn't cry anymore. Only then, he got up and washed his hair and body - finally showering. His arm stings in the shower but Luke doesn't care. Pain is good. Physical pain make him forget all the pain that's inside.
***
According to parents, they never make mistakes. They think they always make the right decision and think about your well being first.
That's bullshit.
Following everything that happened over the past days/weeks, Luke's parents decided to establish some rules.
First of all, a curfew.
Secondly, he's not allowed to see Kellin anymore - ever. It's been reported that Kellin is partly responsible for Luke's change of behavior and Luke confirmed that he was with the older boy when he got his lip pierced. He's lucky his parents didn't make him take it off.
His mum demanded to meet his friends before he can see them again. Luke wasn't surprised by this rule, it was only fair. His parents got 'tricked' once, they don't want a repeat.
Despite having his heart broken by Kellin, Luke still wishes his parents would give him a second chance. Kellin's a good guy. Age shouldn't matter.
That's why Luke kinda forgave him...
It's not his fault, Kellin is his weakness. Luke tried to be strong and ignore his messages but alas, it only worked for two days because Saturday night, around two o'clock, Luke couldn't just ignore Kellin's text.
It was a picture of him, shirtless in front of his mirror. His side-shave wasn't visible because of the way his hair were parted which made Luke a little sad. He love Kellin's new haircut, it's cool and unique.
Kellin isn't particularly muscular, he's quite flat chested honestly but there's still a faint definition of muscles here and there.
Luke chewed on his lip as he stared at Kellin's bare chest. He's seen it before but now, he can fully look at it without being judged or looked at weirdly.
[From: Kellin]
Missing something, don't you think?
He read the text over and over, trying to figure what to reply because the text was a little confusing. Luke wasn't sure if it was meant to be suggestive or not.
What if he replies the wrong thing?
Shaking his head, Luke turned off his phone and decided to sleep it off. He knows Kellin with know he read his text but Luke doesn't care. It's not like he'll ever see him again.
***
''Heard you got caught making out in a closet, though you were out already,'' Ben teased when he came back from his Sunday run.
Luke was sitting on the couch, watching the latest Marvel in his pajama because there's no point putting legit clothes on if he's not going out. He's grounded.
Luke groaned, hiding his face in a pillow. ''Ugh, can't you leave it...''
As good as it was, Luke doesn't want to relive the scene. The memory of Kellin's lips on him - and hands all over his body - also comes with bad memories.
Like when he got rejected by his crush. Worst moment ever.
He remembers his exact words - they've been playing over and over in his head - and the pain is worst every time he hears them. It's not healthy to do this but Luke can't help it, he doesn't exactly control what's going on in his mind.
''My little brother made out for the first time, why would I not tease him about it? It's so much fun to annoy you.''
''Because I didn't tease you when you made out with someone-''
''That's different!'' Ben defended. ''Little brothers can't do that, you didn't even know what making out meant when I had my first time.''
Luke gagged, faking throwing up on the carpet. ''Ew, I don't want to talk about sex with you...''
''I was not talking about my first time having sex- wait, did you?''
''No!'' Luke can't imagine having sex with Kellin - he'd love to but it can't happen, it's illegal. ''We just kissed,'' he replied, feeling the blush rising to his cheeks as memories of their make out session flashed in his mind.
Ben studied Luke's facial expression for a moment and hummed, still not confined Luke didn't do more than kissing. He's a teenage boys, teenage boys never stop to kisses; they always want more.
''Sure, and I'm the Queen of England.''
The younger Hemmings knitted his eyebrows together. ''It's the truth!'' he defended. He's tired of people not believing him, it's so frustrating.
''So, when are we meeting that boyfriend of yours?''
Boyfriend? Luke doesn't have a boyfriend - he never did.
''Erm, I-I don't have any,'' Luke replied.
Ben laughed, throwing his head back. ''Were you so bad that the guy broke up after the kiss?''
Glaring at his big brother, Luke crossed his arms over his chest, turning back to his movie. Ben wasn't funny. Luke isn't a bad kisser - he's only kissed two times but Kellin would've told him if he was bad. He said he was not bad for a first kiss but there's room for amelioration. Luke can be a good kisser right away, as wrong and weird as it sounds, he needs practice.
''Don't you have a shower to take, Ben? You stink.''
A smirk appeared on Ben's face. ''Trying to get rid of me, lil bro? I'm not done with you yet.''
Luke rolled his eyes and wished to disappear. Why can't he watch a movie in peace? His mum is off to a friend and Ray is having lunch with Carter or something like that. Luke though he would be able to watch his movie without anyone distracting or annoying him - it was the case...till Ben came back from his run.
''Ugh, go away, I'm trying to finish my movie!''
''Don't get feisty. I was just interested in your life, I want to know what's going on and if there's any crunchy things I should know.'' Ben wiggled his eyebrows and Luke groaned. He's so fucking annoying. ''Mum said the guy was older, is he from around here, I might know him.''
''That's impossible,'' Luke replied. Ben can't know Kellin, he's much older than him. Ben's only eighteen.
Ben raised an eyebrow. ''What do you mean?''
That's where thing can go horribly wrong. If Luke tells him the guy's age, Ben will come to conclusion that Kellin used Luke. Ben is protective of his little brother. He'd fight anyone who dare hurting him - and Kellin did hurt him.''Erm, he's older than you, like, a lot older.''
''How much?''
''T-twenty-eight...'' His voice was barely a whisper and Luke was hoping Ben wouldn't have heard him but he did becuase his face twisted and jaw clenched. He was angry.
''Are you fucking stupid?!'' Ben tried to calm down but he was only getting angrier. Some many situations popping in his head. What if the guy tried to rape Luke? What if the guy drugged him? What if- ''I though you knew better, Luke. That guy is almost twice your age, this is wrong.''
''Don't you think I know that?'' Luke yelled back at his brother.
''Why did you continue seeing him if you knew how wrong it was?''
''Because I don't care how old he is-''
''You should! Real life isn't like in movies or TV shows, older people don't 'fall in love' with younger ones - not with that big of an age gap. Get that out of your thick skull.'' With that, Ben left the living room and headed for a shower, slamming the door behind him in anger, still fuming about what Luke just lashed out.
Does Ben thinks he's stupid? Luke is not, fuck, he knows this. He knows older guys like Kellin don,t fall in love with teenagers. He knows this all too well.
A/N The first part took so long to write but I don't care, I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. Please don't be made at the characters or say it's not realistic that Luke forgave Kellin so quickly; love make you do crazy things.
Thoughts on Luke crying and being a mess? Forgiving Kellin? Ben being angry and not approving his brother's guy choice? What do you think will happen between Luke and Kellin?