Chapter thirty nine.
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EMMA’S POV:
This past week doesn’t even really feel like I’ve lived it, I don’t feel anything. It’s not just the good stuff I don’t feel it’s the bad stuff too.
I’m not sure if that’s good or not, I can’t decide whether I’d rather be numb or feel the pain, neither are my first choice. My first choice would be to be happy, to be with Harry.
I’ve spent the whole week with Ricky, we’ve been out to dinner a couple of times, watched movies and been shopping. Nothing special, nothing fun.
We haven’t slept together he keeps going on about how special it needs to be and how we need to find the right moment, all I want is to fuck someone maybe then I’ll feel something.
I haven’t seen Harry too much, well I have because we live together but we haven’t really spoken. It’s not that I’m mad or upset with him, I just don’t care anymore.
Right now I’m sat on the sofa alone, scrolling through tumblr on my laptop. Ricky is at work and Harry is out with his friends.
My phone starts ringing I check the caller ID it’s my Dad, he probably wants me to go for dinner or something I haven’t seen him in a while.
‘’Hey Dad’’ I say in my best fake happy voice, he doesn’t need to know how I am.
‘’Hi sweetheart’’ he mumbles his voice sounds weak and full of pain.
‘’Are you ok Dad?’’ I ask slightly concerned now.
‘’Ummm…I’m so sorry sweetheart… it’s your grandma she’s in hospital, it’s not good. They’re saying there isn’t much time left’’ he says I can hear his voice cracking, he’s crying now.
‘’I’ll be there right away’’ I tell him before hanging up.
I’m used to this, used to having something happen that most people would break over and being the only one holding it together.
Of course I’m sad, upset and worried but for some reason I just can’t really feel it, I can’t cry.
I jump up and run towards the closet desperately hunting for something to wear, I can’t find anything casual I end up grabbing some leggings and one of Harry’s many plaid shirts, I’ve worn this as an outfit before, back when we were happy.
I pull on some Vans and grab my handbag.
My phone buzzes again I look to see Dad has texted me,
You should probably bring Harry for support, I know your good friends. Plus it will make your grandma happy.
Dad xxxx
He’s right, this is just another act I have to do. I don’t mind, I don’t care at all.
I dial his number,
‘’Hey Em what’s up?’’ Harry answers simply.
‘’Can you meet me at the hospital?’’
‘’Why? What’s happened? Are you ok?’’ he asks his voice full of concern, why should he care?
‘’I’m fine, it’s my grandma she doesn’t have long left’’
‘’Oh god Em! Are you ok?’’ he asks
‘’I’m fine, just meet me yeah she’ll want you hear’’ I sigh before hanging up and climbing into the taxi.
When I arrive Harry is already waiting outside the hospital for me.
‘’Come here’’ he says holding his arms open for me.
I sink into them I don’t feel safe or warm, I don’t feel anything.
‘’ let’s just go inside’’ I mumble pulling away from him.
Harry follows me silently as I ask where to go.
Once we’re in the lift he grabs my hand turning me to face him,
‘’It’s ok to be upset you know?’’ he whispers a giving me a reassuring smile.
‘’I’m not upset’’
‘’How? This isn’t exactly a happy time’’
‘’YOU THINK I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THAT! YOU THINK I WANT TO NOT GIVE A SHIT! I DO HARRY I REALLY DO! BUT I CAN’T, I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING. I JUST CAN’T NOT SINCE YOU FUCKED ME UP!’’ I scream at him he looks at me with a straight face, he doesn’t flitch or even blink.
He doesn’t say anything he just takes me hand squeezing it gently.
I’m glad he doesn’t say anything there’s nothing that would change anything right now.
HARRY’S POV:
The second Emma told me what was happening I walked straight out of Zayn’s house I didn’t explain what was going on, I just walked out got in my car and drove to the hospital.
I needed to be there before Emma, I needed to comfort her.
When she arrived it seemed she didn’t need comforting, she didn’t cry she didn’t even look sad.
She looked blank and emotionless, almost lifeless. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
I told her it was ok to cry, it was ok to be hurt but she just screamed at me about how she doesn’t feel anything anymore, how she wishes she did but she doesn’t. She said its because of me.
I’ve heard people say you go numb when everything falls completely apart, I guess that’s Emma right now, she’s numb.
EMMA’S POV:
We entered the room my grandma is in Dad was sat at her side, holding her hand. His face was stained with tears and his eyes were bloodshot.
‘’You should go get a coffee or something’’ I told him.
‘’Ok… do you want one?’’ He asked me.
‘’Yeah please, get Harry one too’’
‘’ of course sweetie’’
‘’Harry?’’ My grandma asked her voice weaker than usual.
‘’Yeah, Hi Valerie how are you feeling?’’ Harry asked sweetly taking a seat beside her.
He was good at stuff like this, being there for people. He was there for me once.
I on the other hand don’t handle things like this well, I didn’t handle it well when we first found out she was sick. I didn’t cry, well not in front of anyone.
I don’t know why but I always felt like I was the one that needed to be strong, I was only 14 years old. I shouldn’t have felt like it was my job to keep everyone else together, it wasn’t my job at all.
‘’I’m ok ‘’ Grandma smiled weakly.
‘’No you’re not’’ I muttered taking a seat at the other side of the bed beside her.
‘’Emma sweetie, I’m fine honestly’’ she smiled.
I smiled back, my smile was a little forced though.
‘’So how are you two?’’ Grandma asked glancing between us.
‘’We’re great’’ Harry smiled and I nodded along in confirmation.
‘’Brilliant, if there are a couple of things I’m most proud of and that’s your Dad how well he raised you, what an amazing woman you’ve become and how happy you and Harry are together. At first I was worried you wouldn’t get on but it’s like you’re meant to be together, I think if you’d of met without me you’d still have gotten together’’ Grandma told us a smile spreading widely across her face.
Harry looked at me a tear running out of his eye, he was crying. This is probably a time when I’d cry but I couldn’t.
Nobody said anything after that we all sat silently, it was a good silence though.
‘’Coffees’’ Dad announced when he returned passing us our drinks and sitting down next to me.
A couple of hours later we’d all been sat talking about memories, I smiled and laughed along but I didn’t feel anything really.
‘’Harry, I’m going for a walk, you coming?’’ I asked standing from my seat.
‘’Sure’’ he nodded following me.
‘’Bye Grandma, I’ll be back real soon. I love you’’
‘’Bye sweetheart’’
We walked around the hospital grounds and through the park, the wind was blowing coldly I shivered a little.
‘’Hear take my jacket’’ Harry said handing me his leather jacket.
I took it from him and put it on.
‘’You’re already wearing my stuff anyways’’ he chucked I smiled slightly.
‘’I’m sorry’’ He mumbled stopping still on the grass.
‘’we’ve already done this’’ I sigh stopping and turning to face him.
‘’Yeah but today made me realise how much I’ve hurt you even more… you can’t even cry’’ he said a tear slipping from his eye.
‘’Bit ironic’’ I laughed.
‘’see this is what I mean, your laughing when usually you’d be a fucking mess right now’’
‘’ I am, I just can’t feel it anymore’’
‘’do you want to feel it?’’
‘’I don’t know…’’
Harry lead to a beach and sat me beside him, he pulled me up close wrapping his arm around me.
We sat like that for over an hour, silently cuddled up to each other. I didn’t feel anything though, I don’t know if Harry did. He probably didn’t, he doesn’t even like me and he never did.
‘’We should get back now’’ I said pulling away from Harry.
He nodded silently and walked back into the hospital with me.
When we got inside I saw my Dad just stood in the corridor, he looked awful, I’ve never seen him like this before. Not even when Mum left.
‘’Dad?’’ I asked my voice concerned.
He didn’t say anything he just stared at me blankly, he walked up to us ‘’ sorry’’ he muttered before walking past us and straight out of the hospital.
‘’What was that?’’ I asked Harry.
‘’I’m not sure’’ he said his voice was shaking, he’s probably thinking what I am right now.
I hope we’re wrong.
Just then a nurse came up to us,
‘’I’m really sorry’’ she said resting her hand on my shoulder.
‘’No’’ I mumbled shaking me had vigorously.
‘’ I’m so sorry’’ She said again confirming my fears. She squeezed my arm slightly before turning and walking away.
‘’No’’ I whispered again.
‘’ Em’’ Harry said his eyes full of tears.
‘’No no no no no ‘’ I said getting louder and louder with each word.
Right then it all hit me, every single emotion came flooding back.
The most prominent emotion was pain, second to that was my love for Harry.
It hurt.
I began shaking tears suddenly steaming down my face.
‘’No Harry no’’ I cried louder.
‘’I can’t do this, I can’t’’
‘’Em come here baby’’ he whispered pulling me into his arms.
His touch burned me with electricity. I could feel him again.
‘’why Harry why? This isn’t fair, she can’t be gone. She was like a mum to me. She wasn’t even old’’ I cried into his chest my tears soaking his shirt.
‘’Sssh baby’’ he whispered rubbing circles on my back.
‘’ I know nothing fair, I know baby’’ he continued.
Suddenly I didn’t feel sad anymore, I felt angry.
I pushed him off me.
‘’Stop just fucking stop acting like you care about me, you don’t understand not at all! I hate you, I fucking hate you! I hate myself, I hate Ricky, I hate cancer, I hate everything!’ I screamed.
Harry didn’t look angry he just took my arm leading me outside.
He stopped me against the wall,
‘’Breath, just breath’’ he whispered his hands resting on my shoulders as he stared into my eyes.
‘’ I can’t Harry, I fucking can’t’’ I cried again sinking to the floor.
Everything was too much, there was an overload of pain, anger and every other emotion running though my body right now and I just couldn’t handle it.
Harry lowered himself down to my level,
‘’ I know just breath’’ he whispered bringing his hand to my face.
‘’ Make it stop please, just make it stop’’ I cried even harder.
He leaned in and pressed a tiny kiss on my forehead.
‘’Let’s get you home’’ he said pulling me up from the floor and guiding me to the car.
He opened the door for me and drove us home.
When we arrived he got out and opened my door leading me to the apartment.
I took his hand and lead him into the bedroom,
‘’Sleep in here with me tonight’’ I asked
He looked unsure and didn’t say anything.
‘’Please’’ I begged as another tear trickled down my face.
He nodded and undressed, I pulled off the jacked and leggings so all I was wearing was Harry’s plaid shirt.
I climbed in and Harry did the same. I moved up to him so that there wasn’t even a millimetre of space between us, his arm wrapped around me holding me.
We lay there in silence for a while.
‘’Emma’’ he whispered.
‘’what?’’
‘’Do you want me to call Ricky? He should be here right now not me’’
‘’No. I don’t want him, I never did. I want you’’ I replied my voice shaky from all the tears.
‘’Ok baby’’ he replied kissing my shoulder before resting his head there.
Authors note ------ thank you all so much for reading, I love you all!
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I understand things like this can be upsetting to readers for personal reasons etc. and for that I’m sorry. I loosely based it off of personal experience so it was a little hard for me to write, but it was a very important chapter.
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