i feel like i am sinking, i feel dead but i can't be dead because it's too painful to be death, i must be still alive because i still have the awful feelings that make our heart ache, feelings of love and lust and missing, an author once said you can never love someone nearly as much as you miss them. I have found the heart ache of missing someone.
Its been 2 days since Jasmine had been ripped apart from me and still noone knows, i am too ashamed to tell the boys i am waiting till they figure out themselves. I hope Jasmine's ok i hope she is happy and feels safe. The 2 days apart from her has been agonizing enough how am i supposed to go on? is there any point in moving on why shouldn't i just lay on the floor for the rest of my life? my life isn't worth living without jasmine..
I honestly think that the only thing that is making me breathe is the tiny shred of hope that Louis may come back to me and we can still be in love maybe? i was still holding onto that. Gemma has moved in with me probably to make sure i dont kill myself or something, she feeds me and tries to keep me active though all i want to do is lay on the ground and think about nothing.
Thinking makes you miss people, i hated missing people. Jasmine's foster home was voted one of the best in the country, you'd think that be some comfort to me? no i want her here with me in my arms with me watching her to keep her safe...once every fucking month i get to talk to her, she would get awkward around me because she will think that she hardly knows me. I still think it is shocking how noone knows about jasmine being torn away from me but know when i forget her play.
'Harry, Zayn just texted you saying that there is rehersal tonight for you,'
'tell him i dont want to go,' i groaned
'Harry,'
'you'd think they might be a bit more considerate considering i just lost someone very special to me!'
'Harry they don't know,'
'still,' i groaned
'i'll make you some tea harry but i think you should go i mean you can't miss work all the time, it will also keep your mind busy so you don't think about jasmine too much,'
'fine i'll go,' i shrugged
'Harry what is that i smell?' Gemma said coming towards me, she looked at me with sad eyes.
'i thought you were going to quit,'
'things change guess i need them more than i thought i would,' i shrugged
'Harry drugs is the worst way to deal with missing someone,'
'it works the best for me,' i shrugged
Gemma didn't even bother giving me the technacalities of how bad drugs were for you she just gave me my tea and said.
'Zayn said Louis has some exciting news that he wants to share and is excited about,'
'Why is Louis always happy and i feel depressed all the time?' i groaned
'must be the drugs,' gemma said
I rolled my eyes and changed and slumped with no effort towards the recording studio, Gemma came along.
I was miserable, i had rolled up so many joints last night i felt like i was flying far far away and i felt dizzy it was great!
'Hey harry,' zayn chirped loudly.
'shh shh,' i said patting his back,
'do you have a hangover?' zayn whispered
i briskily nodded.
'So where is Jasmine?' Niall asked
When he said her name it made my stomach churn.
'She's erm with our dad,' Gemma said
they nodded believing the lie. We recorded some songs and then Louis went open the stage to announce something to the band. I was nervous i sat next to Zayn.
'You alright?' Zayn whispered
'Never better,' i said sarcastically
'Alright everyone as you know i have a big announcemnt that i am very excited about,' he said smirking that beautiful smile of his which made my heart pound with happiness and made my stomach haev butterfiles, even now.
Before he started his announcement someone entered the stage with him, eleanor ran to him and held his hand, my lip was trembeling, were they going to move in together? were they going to take their relationship to thenext step? why were they so happy, i guess my hope that the announcement would be that they had broken up was not true.
Louis began 'As you know me and eleanor are in love,'
That word sent daggers to my heart what i didn't know was that the announcment would almost kill me...
Eleanor cut in
'we are happy to say that..... we are engaged ... our wedding is going to be next week! i know its short notice,'
i didn't hear anything else i was spinning, this couldn't be real life, eleanor had snatched my Louis. I felt so demolished and upset i was sure i was going to faint.
Zayn looked at me sympathy was drawn over his face, my face was completly drowned. Zayn said something to me but i couldn't hear, i heard a blur of people congratulating the few and i felt dizzy and blurry as i saw Zayn infront of me he was becoming two people, i interuppted him by running away to the bathroom. I couldn't process this heart-breaking news, Gemma looked at me also though noone ran after me, when i was in the bathroom i locked myself in the loo and cried my eyes out.
My life was over there was nothing to live for anymore. I was never good enough for anyone, i was a pathetic unlovable person. It was painful i love Louis, i always imagined us getting married not them! i vomited because i was so upset i couldn't handle the pain anymore what was the point in being alive? i would never love someone like i loved Louis, and jasmine was gone i had nothing.
Louis was going to be happy with Eleanor, i wasn't going to be happy i was going to be forever alone, Louis was my everything and now he's completly moved on he proposed which mean he thought larry was complete bullshit, to him i was probably just the flavour of the month, i was nothing special. I cried and cried and screamed and kicked the toilet in anger i was in the toilet for ages i didn't care if people were looking for me.
I was in a fragile state, after the events of the last few days and today i can completly and utterly say that i am broken. i have nothing. nothing's fine im already torn.
nothing would ever be fine anymore, i will neevr be able to move on i will never be happy again.
i must have been in the loo crying for about 2 hours when i heard a knock on the cubicle.
'Harry?' Louis asked with a soft voice, i did not want to talk to him he loved breaking me as long as he was happy it was okay.
'Harry please come out please talk to me,' he begged
'Why do you care about me?' i quivered
'Harry i will always care about you,' Louis said
'No you dont,' i shouted
i came out of the cubicle, Louis was taken back by my red stained eyes from crying.
'You are engaged to her! were me and you never a possibility then? ever?' i asked my voice inches away from cracking.
'Harry i had to marry her-'he began
'NO you didn't you have your choice in everything, i just want to say it hurts it really hurts after everything thats go on this week for me jasmine taken into foster care,' i said
'WHAT?' Louis gasped
'i dont want to talk about that louis! now anyway,' i began
he attempted to hug me, even though i craved his touch i declined.
there was a long pause and then i started shaking my head frantically.
~
'This..This wasn't supposed to happen,' i said sadly
'You know i couldn't help but fall in love with her when i was forced to start with,' Louis said
'NO! you weren't supposed to marry and fall in love with her her....you weren't supposed to what about me?' imy voice cracked
'Harry you haven't got to know her...she-'
'Is it because it is easier to be with a girl?' i spat
'Harry no! it..'
'Was i not good enough for you?'
'How could you say that? ofcourse harry you were good enough better infact,' Louis said
'All that bravery comments about not caring about what people think that was all bullshit wasn't it?'
'Harry I,'
'After all i have been through, i don't think my heart can physically take any more pain,' i said
....
'i thought you loved me!' i protested
'I...'
he was finding the right words to say, but there were no right words to say words could never console my pain.
'DONT JUST LEAVE ! NOW GO!'
louis stood there staring at me, his eyes showed guilt, he finally understood just how broken he has made me how much shit i have gone through for him. i was a broken toy that could never be fixed because it had been treated to badly, it was beyond repair, i was broken.
'LEAVE!' i shouted once again
he took this request seriously and turned to leave the bathroom, i didn't really want him to leave i wanted him with me.
when he left the bathroom, i broke down crying once again.
'Come back...' i trembled.
a/n hope you like it..so louis is getting married! looks like harry and louis will never be together... harry has nothing to live for anymore he is utterly depresseed. next chapter will see how he deals with it!.