My mother was a women like no other. She gave me life, nurtured me, provided for me, taught me, dressed me, fought for me, held me, shouted at me, kissed me, but most importantly, loved me unconditionally.
There are not enough words I can say to describe how important my mother was to me and what a powerful influence she was on me.
And I took her away.
Not just from me, but from my father and brothers, and the world. Now no one would ever hear her laugh, her voice.
And it's all because of me. I killed my own mother.
I wish I could see her one more time. I wish she would just walk through the door and smile and give me a kiss and a hug.
Instead, I watch my mom lay deep in the soil with a tomb stone over her grave. It had been a week. A week since that horrible day. They had just buried her into the dirt and I watched from afar, alone.
I haven't spoken to my father or my brothers. In fact I haven't spoken to anyone. Even Ryder. I had just locked myself in a spare guest room in one of the boys mansions.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't move. I just stared at the ceiling with silent tears streaming down my face. How could I ever face my brothers or dad again?
Chelsea told me they had told my dad everything. The kidnapping, Ryder was a gang leader, the symptoms of the injections wearing off. And all he did was listen with a blank stare and walk out of the living room.
Drew had tried talking to me multiple times, even sleep outside my door but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear to look at him.
I left a husband and two teenagers without a mom on our eighteenth birthday. All because I wasn't strong enough.
Chelsea had tried to get me to come the funeral but I refused. I couldn't just stand there and listen to everyone talk how great my mum is and how she was still with us, and how she wasn't really gone.
But I couldn't help myself. I showered, got dressed and drove to the funeral and watched from afar, hidden from everybody.
I watch as everyone drives away as the funeral was over and stare at the remaining nine people crowded around her.
My dad, Zach, Drew, Chelsea, Ryder and the boys. The boys were all in suits and Chelsea wore a black dress, her hair in a bun with white pearls.
Ryder.
I refused to see him. I didn't open the door when he banged on it and yelled to let him in, and when he broke the door, I hid under the covers and heard the boys drag him away.
Chelsea was also staying with us now. She had been spending time with me and when I kicked her out, she would sleep and spend her time with Dani.
I watched as she leaned into Dani's side and craved for the touch of Ryder. I missed him. I missed him so much, but to touch him with my blood coated hands. I couldn't do it.
I look at my dad. My poor dad. He stares at my mothers grave with sorrow and sadness. I took his wife for 20 years away from him.
I look up at the sky. The sun shining so bright, but the grey clouds looming over. It was sunny but also cloudy. Kinda like my mom. She was cheerful and bright but she could also freeze someone in their tracks with one stare.
Mom? I miss you so much. I am so sorry I was the cause of your final breath. What I wouldn't give to hear your voice again.
I see from the corner of my eye, everyone take a red rose and lay it gently on top of her grave. Roses were her favourite flower. She said even when something so beautiful like this rose, once you get too close the thorns with prick you. So something beautiful can also cause you pain.
I wipe the tear that had escaped from my eye, under my sun glasses. I was hidden nicely. I could see everything, but they couldn't see me.
I watch as they finally walk away. Drew wrapping an arm around my dads shoulder, supporting him. Oh how I wish I could support you dad, but I'm the cause of this.
When I was absolutely sure, no one was in sight. I tighten the rose in my hands and walk towards my mothers grave. My big black coat was tied tightly around my waist and my black stockings and black heels caused the leaves to rustle beneath my feet.
My hair was in a neat bun and I had black gloves on so it could protect me from the cold. As I walked closer to my mothers grave stone I paused slightly as I saw her name on that disgusting thing.
Catherine June Mores.
A loving wife, mother and friend.
1970-2016
I clench my fists and squeeze my eyes shut. I should lay were your laying right now mom. I'm so sorry. No matter how many times I apologise, you deserve more. It's my fault you are not here with your family right now.
I breath out a shaky breath and walk until I was right in front of the grave. I bend down and lay the rose next to the others.
A sob racks through my body as I clench my fists, the earth and soil underneath my fingertips.
"I'm so sorry mom" I sob, "this is all my fault."
It isn't fair! Why is she paying the price! Why did I have to be experimented on?! Why me?! Why her?!
I look up in anger and stare at the sky.
Why?! Why did you take her?! Why did you let this happen?! Why is it always me that causes and gets the most pain?! Do you have a plan for me, or do you really hate me?! Give her back. Give her back!
I just want her back. That's all I want. Please. Stop this pain. Bring her back. Please.
I drop my head and sob quietly. She's gone.
Crack.
I open my eyes and immediately stand up, turning around. I see Ryder standing there with his hands in his pockets watching me.
"How long have you been there?" I ask, surprised how cold and stern my voice was.
"Since you came out of those bushes you were hiding in for the past hour" Ryder answers.
"You knew I was there?" I ask surprised. He never even looked my way.
"Being a gang leader, you grow eyes at the back of your head" he smirks.
We stare at each other silently for a while until he took a step forward and I immediately took one back. "Don't!" I snap, with my hand out in front of me.
He halts in his steps and stares at me intensely. His eyes piercing into my own. "What are you still afraid of?"
Hurting you.
"What am I afraid of?" I snap, talking of my glasses. "Maybe this will remind you" I say, referring to my purple eye.
He takes a step and this time I don't move. He takes another and I still don't move. I gulp when we were nose to nose.
I look at his lustful eyes and I was sure I matched his own. We were away from each other for one week and that was enough to drive each other mad.
He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close. As much as I wanted him, I was a murder. I killed my own mother.
I put a hand on his chest, to keep some distance between us and tear my eyes and head away from his and look to the side.
"I can hurt you" I whisper.
He leans into my neck and starts planting kisses. It takes all I've got not to moan and roll my eyes back.
"I can hurt other people" I whisper.
"I don't care" he murmurs, against my bare, hot flesh.
"I can kill other people" I whisper.
"I don't care" he says, swiping his tongue across my neck.
My knees give in and he holds me up to keep me stable.
"I can kill you."
He stops and I close my eyes tightly. It's over. He knows it. I know it.
"You wish."
I fling my eyes open in surprise, when he grabs my head and smashes his lips to mine.
Our lips move hungrily and our tongues battle with each other. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull at his hair and push my self against him.
He roams his hands all over my body and I moan in his mouth. He pulls away and starts kissing my neck, "oh how I've missed that sound."
I pull his head and smash his lips on to mine again. I missed him. I missed his touch so much.
He pulls back first and we breath heavily. "I want you. No matter what you are, no matter what you do. I will always want you."
I look at him and imagine a life with out him. I couldn't see it. I need him. I can't live without him. "I love you" I whisper.
"I know" he smiles and pulls me into a hug.
His scent was intoxicating. Just being with him made me better. It made me forget.
****
My eyes flutter open as I lay on the comfortable bed I had missed so much. Sleeping with the one I love. I smile when last nights memories pop into my head.
I tighten the blanket around my naked body and my cheeks heat up from last night.
I stretch my arms over my head and touch the empty space next to me. I sit up and look at the empty bed and my eyebrows scrunch in confusion.
Where is he?
I get up and put an oversized seater on and walk to the balcony that had an overlook of the whole back yard. I open the glass doors and shiver when the wind hits me.
I run my eyes tiredly and put my hair up in a messy pony tail.
Ryder?
He was sitting down, his thumbs stroking his thumb across lip back and fourth, staring at the swimming pool in deep thought.
What was he thinking? He looked so captivated in his own thoughts.
I walk down stairs and go into the back yard. I cross my arms over my chest and walk towards Ryder.
He sees me coming and quickly glances at me before continuing to stare at the open field. I reach him and raise an eyebrow.
"What? To cool to say hi now?" I ask, teasingly.
"Hi." He says in a blank tone, not even bothering to look at me.
I look at him silently and watch him think. I could practically see the machines work in his head. After last night, he was back to being cold again. He just sat there with a thick woollen blanket draped over him.
He sighs and drops his head low.
What happened now?
He grabs my wrist and yanks me into his lap, making me yelp in surprise. My back was laying on his chest and his head was resting on top of my head.
He wraps the blanket on top of us and I lean into his chest some more. The warmth already making me feel better.
"Better?" He asks.
"Much" I say happily and snug myself deeper.
He chuckles and I could feel the rumble in his chest. He sighs and wraps his arms around me. We just stare into the open space, both of us trapped in our own thoughts.
"Kat?" He asks, breaking the peaceful silence.
"Yeah?"
He hesitates and I feel him tense. I know what this is going to be about. I know. It's time.
"I know" I mumble.
Its time for me to take those injections. It's the only way. I'll die both ways if I don't try. I have to try.
"You can do it. I know you can" Ryder says, trying to reassure me.
I was just about to answer when I felt bile rise up my throat. I hunch myself over and smack my palm against my mouth.
"Kat?"
My body lurches over once again, and I gag. I run back inside and to the closets bathroom. I empty all my insides out and feel the vomit in my throat.
I feel someone hold my hair back and I gag violently as more content comes out. When there was nothing left in me, I turn away from the toilet and flush. I shut the lid and sit on it. Sweat dripping from my forehead.
"Are you okay?" Ryder asks, worried.
"I don't know" I breath out, "vomit came running up my throat all over a sudden."
He inspects me throughly and places a hand on my forehead, then back to his forehead. "You don't seem to have a fever."
"It's probably nothing. I'm okay now" I say, walking towards the sink and washing my face.
Probably my body telling me to eat something. Then on cue my belly started rumbling.
I see Ryder stare at me with an amused expression and I feel a blush form on my cheeks. "Shut up."
Ryder chuckles and walks out of the bathroom, leaving me alone.
Great. Did my stomach really have to grown right then and there.
I stare at my reflection and sigh.
Mom. I need you. How am I going to look at Dad, Zach and Drew. Zach hasn't even bothered to come and speak with me like Drew has.
I can't deal with all this right now.
I walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen but what I didn't realise was five boys and Chelsea sitting around the kitchen, all talking to each other's
Everyone but Ryder all stare at me with wide eyes and open mouths. I raise an eyebrow and look at them weirdly.
"Do I have something on my face?" I ask annoyed.
They all clear there throats and blink their eyes rapidly. I shake my head at them and walk to a cooking Ryder.
I smile as he plants a quick kiss onto my lips before focusing on cooking. I try to eat one of the fruit next to him but he smacks my hand before I can.
I gasp and smack his hand back and he grabs my hand in response and drags me away from the food.
"I am making art, wait" he says.
I glare at his back but can't help the smile that reaches my lips.
Idiot.
I turn around and everyone was still staring at me and it was driving me crazy. "Guys!"
The boys all yell and Dani pushes Chelsea in front of him.
"Oh this is ridiculous!" I snap, angrily.
I know I haven't been my usual self lately but I'm not going to kill....
Now I see. Their afraid of me. I would be afraid of someone that killed their own mother too. There afraid I'll loose control of myself again.
There was an awkward silence in the room. The only thing that was making sound was Ryder cooking.
"I called Dante" Ryder states. "We'll be going back to the Belucinis to see Ted and Joe."
"Wait what?" Nathan asks, looking confused.
I clench my fists tightly and look at Nathan, "I'll be taking the injections."
No one spoke a word. They all just look at me, with surprise but also pity.
Chelsea walks over to me and links her arm with mine, "well I'll be here supporting you" she smiles.
I smile at her gratefully and look at the boys. "We're all here for you Kat" Nathan says, giving me a gentle smile.
"Thanks guys. Now who's hungry!" I exclaim.
Just then food was on the table, "enjoy" Ryder says.
We all sit around the table and laugh and talk. It had been a while since we had this much fun. It kinda even made me feel normal.
"Geez Kat. That's your fourth portion" Chelsea comments.
"I'm hungry! Leave me alone" I pout, digging into my pancake.
"Syrup?" Dani asks,
I gasp and snatch it from his hand and pour it all over the pancake.
Everyone watches with wide eyes and I see Ryder smirk from the corner of my eye, while sipping his tea.
"Wow" James says, looking at my delicious pancake.
I dig in and start to nibble on other things too, "so good!" I moan.
I had eaten two oranges, three bowls of strawberries, six kiwi fruits and two bananas. And that was just the fruit.
I have no idea why I was so hungry and was craving all sorts of bizarre things. Probably cause I haven't eaten properly the whole week.
"Do we have any pickles?" I ask,
"I'll go get them" Daniel says, getting up and walking over to the fridge.
"Pickles? You hate pickles" Chelsea says looking at me weirdly,
"I know!" I exclaim, "but I suddenly got a major craving for them."
Daniel hands me the jar and I squeal when I see them. Then all of a sudden, a disgusting smell hits my nose.
I look around and see a ham sandwich in Daniels hand. "What is that?" I ask, making a disgusted face.
"Ham sandwich" Daniel answers, "want some?" He asks, pointing in my face.
Then the nausea comes right back. I gag and put my hand on my mouth and run to the bathroom to puke my guts out once again.
What is happening to me?! Am I sick? Is this another side effect?!
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts followed by "Kat? It's me Chelsea. Can I come in?"
"Come in" I yell from the inside. My knees still on the floor.
"I was going to come in even if you said no, anyway" she says more to herself, "you look like shit."
"Thanks" I say sarcastically.
She sits on the cold floor with me and pushes my hair back. "What's up with you anyway?"
"I have no clue" I groan.
"Kat?" She asks,
"Yeah?"
"When was the last time you and Ryder fucked?"
"Chelsea!" I scold.
Oh my god. Has she no shame. I would totally ask the same thing as well though.
"Oh sorry," she coughs, "'made love'" she says mockingly rolling her eyes.
I give her a blank stare.
"Just answer the question!" She snaps.
"Last night" I say, not knowing where this was going.
"And before then?"
"Chelsea what the he-"
"Katrina I'm not asking this for fun!" She snaps, cutting me off. "Answer the question."
"A week ago!" I snap.
"And before then?"
"Oh my god, we fuck a lot okay!" I angrily whisper, so no one but else can here.
Where the hell is she going with this anyway.
"Have you two ever done it without protection?" She asks.
"I don't think so. We might have, I'm not sure." I answer. Have we ever done it without some type of contraception.
"When was your last period?" Chelsea asks, looking at me with a worried look.
"I'm not pregnant!" I exclaim.
"How can you be sure?!" Chelsea says, flapping her arms about, "when was your last period?"
My last period. Well it was........CRAP!