A/N: Damn, back at it again with the quick updates! This flowed really easily so here ya go. Also, there is a small trigger warning for brief mentions of suicide. It's fleeting but I wanted you guys to be prepared anyway, so be kind to yourselves.
Take Me Away - Bleachers
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Karlie gets her cigarettes, and lights up the second her feet hit the sidewalk, but her next destination is unclear. She's still overflowing with anger, and walks around aimlessly while she takes long, desperate pulls of her cigarette. She ends up trekking back through the Village but she has no intention of going home just yet. Going home would probably be what's best for her. It is chilly out, and she can still feel the anger coursing through her veins. That doesn't stop her from leaning up against a building and pulling out another cigarette, though. Her fingers shake a little as she reaches for her lighter, and she doesn't know if it's from the biting wind or the barrage of emotions trampling over her heart. The wind makes it difficult to keep the flame steady, and Karlie becomes irrationally frustrated after the fourth try. She's about to throw the lighter against the wall when she hears the slow clicking of heels approaching her.
"Smoking kills." The voice is familiar and low, and Karlie is certain the only reason she hears it is because the wind carries it towards her. She turns her head and rolls her eyes when she sees Toni Garrn walking towards her, looking every bit like a panther cornering its prey.
"We all die in the end anyway." Karlie finally gets a decent flame, and she lights the end of the cigarette dangling from her mouth. She takes a long drag, staring straight ahead, and doesn't move a muscle when Toni sidles up beside her.
"You'll die quicker."
"Maybe that's the plan." Karlie shrugs carelessly.
She's about to put the cigarette back up to her lips but it's quickly snatched away from her. A protest is about to roll off of her tongue, but it falls short when Toni brings the cigarette up to her own lips. Karlie watches in mild annoyance as Toni takes a long pull of the cigarette, holding the smoke in before breathing it out through flared nostrils.
"I thought smoking killed?" Karlie teases.
"You're not the only one who wouldn't mind checking out early," Toni proceeds to smoke the rest of Karlie's second cigarette, and when it's gone they just stand there for a moment.
"So why are you here?" Karlie finally asks.
Toni laughs, and then gestures towards the building that Karlie is currently leaning against. "I live here."
"Really?" Karlie steps back from the building and looks up at it. It's a tall apartment building, wedged between a dry cleaner's and an internet café. Karlie recognizes this street. She has walked on this street almost every day during the trips home from the bar. What are the odds of Toni living in this building? The building that she had randomly ended up leaning on so she could smoke and brood.
"Yeah. It's a bit of a shithole, but whatever."
"You don't seem like the type of girl to live in a shithole." Karlie muses lowly. She remembers the first time she had seen Toni, back in Doctor Bennett's waiting room. The blonde had been donning an expensive purse and had had a sense of entitlement hanging over her head. Plus her dad owned one of the most popular clubs in the city, so what was she doing in a shithole in one of the sleazier parts of the Village?
"Tell that to my father. He cut me off when I was nineteen," Toni snorts and shrugs, not looking bothered in the slightest. "You know how it is."
Karlie pauses, surprised to find that she actually did know how it was. Her own parents could never look at her the same after her addiction came to light, and though she had never been officially disowned, she definitely wasn't winning any daughter of the year awards anytime soon.
"Yeah, I guess I do." Karlie says lowly, looking down at her shoes for a moment.
"It comes with the territory. I still go to the club and rob him blind every now and again. No one has the balls to charge me for a drink." Toni smirks mischievously, looking like the cat that ate the canary.
"So he doesn't know you go there?" Karlie smiles despite herself, finding the entire thing a bit hilarious.
"Oh he does, but he'll never catch me. His employees love me too much to turn me away."
Toni throws her head back and laughs, and Karlie can do nothing but watch on in mild awe. She's always dreamt of getting back at her parents for the things they subjected her to, so she can't help but feel a wave of respect wash over her.
"So I told you why I'm here. Why are you?" Toni changes the subject effortlessly, shoving her hands into the front pockets of her pristine black peacoat.
"I was just walking around."
"Hm," Toni glances around briefly, and then scrutinizes Karlie for a moment. "Well are you hungry?"
Karlie is about to say no, but then her stomach betrays her by letting out an embarrassingly loud gurgle. She closes her eyes in defeat when a triumphant grin spreads across Toni's face.
"I could eat, I guess."
"Awesome."
They end up in a little café a few blocks over from Toni's apartment, and Karlie is just grateful to be out of the bone chilling wind. The café seems to be popular around this hour, but Toni manages to find them a table by the windows anyway.
"How do you take your coffee?" Toni asks as she slings her jacket over the back of her chair.
"Black."
Toni hesitates for a moment, and then flashes a weird little smile. "Me too. Be right back."
Karlie watches her leave, and then she rests her head in her hands and lets out a soft groan.
What are you doing, Kloss?
She asks herself that question for the next hour and a half while she drinks coffee and nibbles on a delicious muffin. Toni keeps the conversation between them light and constant, and it bothers Karlie how easily everything flows. It bothers her how much they have in common, and she cannot figure out why. Shouldn't she be happy? All she's ever wanted, since she was fifteen, was to have someone who understood her. Someone who knew exactly where she was coming from, and shared her outlook on the world. Someone who had to deal with the same shit. After the explosive fight with Taylor earlier, Toni should look like a godsend, but Karlie is still bothered. She's still upset.
"Best muffins ever, right?" Toni asks as Karlie absentmindedly unwraps her second muffin.
Karlie takes a bite of the muffin. It's good, she'll admit, but then she thinks about the muffins that Taylor likes to make from scratch. She thinks about how the blonde sometimes gets up extra early just to make sure Karlie has a few to take with her when she goes to pull an early shift at the bar. Just the thought of it makes Karlie feel warm inside, and the muffin in her hand suddenly tastes bland and inadequate.
"I've had better." Karlie doesn't mean to sound so heartbroken when she says it, but she knows she sounds pitiful. The worried look on Toni's face doesn't go unnoticed, either. A silence develops between them, the first since they ran into one another, and Karlie stares down at her muffin dejectedly. All she can think about is Taylor, and now she has no appetite.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Toni asks softly.
"No."
"Okay." Toni shrugs indifferently, not looking the least bit put out by the snub. She goes back to sipping at her coffee, and Karlie continues to stare down at her hands. They sit there for a few long minutes, and Toni is once again talking about how insufferable Doctor Bennett is sometimes. Karlie is hardly listening. She is too busy replaying the last few minutes of her and Taylor's argument. Without even thinking about it, her mouth opens and all kinds of unwarranted shit just comes spewing out.
"I got into a fight with my girlfriend." Karlie interrupts, and Toni pauses, momentarily blindsided, but recovers quickly. Karlie doesn't even give her a chance to respond. "She did something shitty, and it's like she couldn't even see where she had gone wrong, y'know? Like, who tells people about other people's addiction without getting permission?"
"People who don't know what addiction feels like." Toni shrugs. "Who did she tell?"
"Her best friend, and I guess a few other friends." Karlie grumbles, recalling the pitying look Selena had given her. Karlie didn't need or want anyone's pity, and maybe that had been one of the things to set her off so badly. "I just wish she had asked me beforehand. She didn't even say sorry."
"Did you give her a chance?" Toni raises an eyebrow, looking as if she already knows the answer.
Karlie opens her mouth but then closes it and thinks back. She remembers yelling at Taylor and storming out. She had been so angry, and all she had wanted to do was hurt Taylor as much as Taylor had hurt her.
"No." Karlie breathes out. "I just...I left. I said some shitty stuff, and then I left. I told her that she was bad for me."
"Is she?"
Karlie considers the question for a long moment, really thinking it over. Taylor is everything that Karlie didn't know she wanted, and she wonders how she can put that into words.
"Do you ever get those really bad urges? The ones that are telling you to go out and do something self-destructive, just for the rush? Just to see how far you can push it this time?"
"Every single day." Toni says solemnly.
"When I'm with her...all of that goes away. I didn't know what normal felt like until Taylor."
"She's your librarian." Toni sums it up.
Karlie grins a little at the title, finding it oddly fitting. For as long as she could remember, books had been her way of escaping everything. She would lose herself in the pages, putting herself in someone else's shoes for a few hours just to get away from the tiring life she is forced to lead. And then Taylor came into her life, a constant source of happiness and light. Now Karlie gets lost in Taylor more than she gets lost in books, and it's so easy to tune everything out. Karlie feels like she could go up against anything as long as she had Taylor by her side.
"Yeah, I guess she is. And I fucked it up."
"No you didn't. You both had your bad moments in this argument, so suck it up, get the hell out of here, and go to her." Toni slams her hand on the table dramatically, briefly drawing attention to the two of them.
"She probably hates me, I can't go back there after what I said." Karlie shakes her head dejectedly.
"How did you get anywhere with this girl if you're this much of a chicken shit?"
Karlie knows that Toni is just trying to get under her skin, and she's ashamed to admit that it actually works. She scowls dangerously, but Toni doesn't look the least bit intimidated. Instead, she presses on.
"She's probably crying her poor little heart out right now, so go to her before I kick your ass."
Karlie wants to scoff at the idea of Toni even attempting to fight her, but she is far too busy thinking about Taylor crying over her. That just doesn't sound right. She's not worth the tears, but she knows Taylor would shed them anyway because that's just how she is.
"I gotta go." Karlie says suddenly, almost knocking the table over in her haste to get to her feet. Toni follows her, and Karlie doesn't think much of it. They both slip on their jackets and Karlie makes a beeline for the door, Toni close on her heels.
"Where does she live?"
"Tribeca."
"You're going to walk?!"
"I mean, yeah. I always walk." Karlie doesn't see the issue. It's colder than usual but she can put up with a little wind if it means getting back to Taylor.
Toni shakes her head and then cranes her neck, looking up and down the two-way street. After spotting a yellow taxi, the blonde holds up a hand and lets out an ear-piercing whistle. The taxi comes to a screeching halt and Toni opens the back door and ushers a bemused Karlie inside.
Karlie is about to admit that she doesn't have the money for a cab, but Toni is already reaching into her purse. She pulls out a designer wallet and then hands a few bills to the driver, who looks like Christmas has arrived early.
"Take her to Tribeca," Toni says before turning back to Karlie.
Karlie doesn't know how to say thank you, but when Toni pulls her into a hug, she accepts it willingly. It's a little awkward because Karlie is halfway inside of the cab, but they make it work anyway.
"Thanks for this." Karlie says.
"What are friends for?"
Karlie grins and then she is ducking inside the back of the taxi, and Toni closes the door for her. Neither of them notice the lone photographer across the street, despite the fact that he has his camera lens trained on them.
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Taylor has been crying for hours, and she's surprised that she hasn't ran out of tears yet. She tends to dry up around the one hour mark, but the tears are still flowing freely and her sobs just get more heartbreaking with the passing of time. Selena is helplessly sitting next to her, unable to do anything aside from hand over fresh tissues and rub her back soothingly. It's not how Taylor wanted to spend her friend's first day in the city, but she just cannot stop crying. Karlie said that Taylor was bad for her. How could they possibly recover from the fight that they had had? It felt like the beginning of the end.
I just got her. I can't lose her.
"She said she'd call you, Tay. That has to count for something." Selena continues to console her.
"She won't." Taylor shakes her head jerkily. "She's done with me, I can tell."
"You had one little argument."
"It wasn't little!" A loud sob rips through Taylor's chest, and she feels the sudden urge to vomit overtake her. It's been a long time since she's cried to the point of nausea, but she gets to her feet quickly when her stomach gives a sickening lurch.
She barely makes it to the bathroom, and while she's doubled over the toilet she thinks back to July, back when she and Karlie had started getting to know one another. She had vomited in this very same bathroom after having far too much tequila, and Karlie had taken care of her all night. This time there are no loving hands holding back her hair. This time there is no Karlie, and the thought brings on a fresh wave of tears.
She assumes it's the uncertainty of the entire thing that's making her so upset. She doesn't know if Karlie will come back, or if she'll even call. She doesn't even know if the brunette wants anything to do with her anymore, and Taylor wouldn't really blame her if she didn't.
I always ruin it.
It happens in every relationship, without fail, and Taylor can't believe she thought this would be different. She can't believe she thought she'd somehow get it right this time. Getting to her feet feels like such a task, but Taylor does it anyway. She flushes the toilet and grimaces at the foul taste left in her mouth.
Selena is waiting by the bathroom door when Taylor opens it, and after giving her a look over, she sighs and shakes her head. Taylor can see the worry shining in her friend's eyes, and she feels bad for ruining this visit so catastrophically.
"Go brush your teeth and lay down, I'll make you tea."
Taylor gives a grateful nod and then slowly begins climbing the stairs. Brushing her teeth turns into washing her face, because the tear tracks on her cheeks are a dull black thanks to the running of her mascara. She stares at her reflection in the mirror and grimaces at how red and puffy her eyes are. She's a mess and definitely needs to pull herself together, but that's easier said than done.
Luckily the vomiting had slowed the crying, and now Taylor can do nothing but sniffle and sulk. Her cats, who had been trying to console her since the tears had begun, end up slinking into the room together, with Meredith in the lead. The usually grouchy cat leaps onto the bed and slowly creeps towards Taylor, looking at her closely, as if trying to discern if she's about to burst into tears again. Taylor reaches out for her cat and is surprised when Meredith easily complies. Taylor cuddles Meredith against her chest, and then makes room for Olivia when the white kitten finally manages to climb onto the bed, using Taylor's blankets as leverage. Taylor ends up cuddling both of her cats at the same time, a true rarity, and she feels a smidge of happiness seep back into her bones. At least she knows she'll always have her cats. Maybe she's destined to be a forever alone cat lady.
"I love you guys." Taylor's says softly as she strokes Meredith's head.
Olivia and Meredith both begin to purr, and before Taylor knows what's happening, she's closing her eyes and drifting off.
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The sun is setting by the time Karlie gets to Tribeca. Her cab got stuck in some congested traffic and she had been half tempted to just jump out and walk the rest of the way. She would've made it to Taylor's a lot quicker, but she had stayed put because she didn't want to throw Toni's money away.
Karlie all but bangs on the front door of the apartment building to get the attention of Taylor's security, and when the door is opened for her she hurries by. She takes the stairs two at a time and by the time she reaches Taylor's floor she is moderately winded. Letting herself into Taylor's apartment is easy enough, but Karlie doesn't expect to be met with an empty downstairs. The cats don't even come to greet her like they usually do, and Karlie frowns as she locks the door behind her.
Karlie slowly makes her way upstairs, keeping her footsteps light and as quiet as possible. She is approaching Taylor's bedroom door when it flies open, but it is not Taylor who greets her. Selena looks agitated by the sight of her, and Karlie feels her heart fall a little. She doesn't really care what people think about her, but there's something unnerving about seeing Taylor's best friend leveling her with a glare. She is certain she has officially burned that bridge.
"Oh. You're back."
"Yeah...is Taylor in there?" Karlie keeps her voice cordial, because one of them has to be polite.
"She's sleeping," Selena says pointedly, folding her arms across her chest. "She's been crying for hours."
"I need to see her." Karlie steps forward but Selena blocks her path, and Karlie feels a rush of annoyance overtake her. She's done being nice.
"Are you going to yell at her some more? Kick her while she's down?" Selena's voice drips with contempt, and Karlie glowers down at her.
"No, I'm going to go lay down with her until she wakes up, and then we're going to talk. Not that that's any of your business, though."
"It is my business, she's my best friend. I know you probably don't know what it feels like to have one of those but it's a pretty big deal."
Karlie is momentarily surprised by the bitchily snide remark but then she feels her face heating up, and some rude ass words are on the tip of her tongue. She steels herself at the last minute, though, and she's grateful because suddenly Taylor is standing behind Selena in the doorway.
"Selena." There is a disapproving frown on Taylor's face. "Could you give us a minute?"
Selena looks like she wants to refuse, and she and Taylor share a long, weighted look. Karlie shifts her weight impatiently, wondering when the silent conversation is going to end.
"Fine." Selena finally says, stomping her foot petulantly. "I'll be downstairs."
Selena gives Karlie one more withering look before heading for the stairs, and Karlie scowls at her as she goes. Her scowl disappears when she turns back to face Taylor, and is replaced by a worried frown. Taylor's eyes are still puffy and her hair's a mess, and she stands there awkwardly, looking unsure of herself in Karlie's presence.
"Can I come in?" Karlie asks lowly.
Taylor nods mutely, and then steps back and lets Karlie brush past her. When the blonde closes the door behind them, Karlie takes it as a good sign. That means that Taylor is open to talking, right? That means that she can still salvage this.
"I didn't expect you to come back so soon. Or ever, really." Taylor's voice is hoarse and cracks a little, and the sound pulls at Karlie's heart.
"We need to talk." Karlie sighs.
She's surprised when fresh tears start to shine in Taylor's eyes, and Karlie begins to panic as they overflow and streak down Taylor's cheeks.
"I knew it." Taylor shakes her head and turns away. She's able to hide her face but she can't conceal the way her shoulders start to shake. "I ruined it."
Karlie wraps her arms around Taylor from behind, and rests her chin on the top of the blonde's head. She doesn't say anything, because she can't seem to find the right words, so she just stands there and waits for Taylor to stop crying. It happens eventually, and when Taylor's sobs turn into sniffles, Karlie finally speaks past the lump in her throat.
"You didn't ruin anything. I said some things that I didn't mean, and you did some things that you shouldn't have done. We're both a little wrong, and we should talk about it and move on." Karlie says the words into Taylor's ear, tightening her hold a little.
"So you're not breaking up with me?" Taylor sounds genuinely surprised.
"Of course not, I'm not an idiot!"
Taylor sniffles one more time, and then she turns around to face her. Karlie takes a few moments to gently wipe away the remnants of Taylor's tears. After presses a delicate kiss to the tip of Taylor's nose, Karlie leads Taylor towards the bed. The cats are sprawled out in the middle, and Olivia immediately begins to cuddle up against Karlie's leg but Meredith remains indifferent and aloof, staring at Karlie coolly.
"I think she knows you're the reason I've been crying all day." Taylor grins as Meredith begins to lick her paw.
"First Selena and now Mere, all I've got in this cold world is Olivia."
"And me."
Karlie smiles softly, and has to fight the overwhelming urge to pull Taylor into a kiss. It'd be so easy to just kiss and makeup, but Karlie knows they need to talk. If they don't then neither of them will improve.
"I didn't mean those things I said." Karlie starts. "Well I meant the respect thing, and I'm still upset about you telling people about my problem, but I didn't mean that last thing. You're not bad for me, Taylor."
"Then why did you say it?"
"I was angry. I wanted you to know how betrayed I felt, I wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry." Karlie doesn't sugarcoat it but Taylor just nods understandingly.
"I guess I deserved it. And I'm sorry, too. I had no business telling my friends about your addiction, and I wish I could take it back but all I can do is promise that it will never happen again."
"I believe you." Karlie has no reason not to take Taylor's word for what it is, and she breathes a sigh of relief when she realizes that the air between them has officially been cleared. "So we're good, right?"
"Yes, but I have a question."
Karlie's eyebrows furrow in confusion, but she waves for Taylor to continue. She wants to get everything out of the way. She doesn't want to fight anymore, and now is as good a time as any to come clean.
"I want to know what's been keeping you awake." Taylor says it softly, and looks a little scared to press the subject that Karlie has been avoiding for the last week.
"Nightmares." Karlie says shortly, shifting uncomfortably.
"About what? I know you've been dealing with things like this by yourself for a long time but...Karlie, you don't have to do it alone. I want to be there. I want to listen, so please just talk to me."
Karlie stares at Taylor for a moment, weighing her options. It would be so easy to shut Taylor out. Karlie is so used to doing it that she doesn't realize it's happening half of the time, but this time she wills herself to open up.
"It's about my past. I had a rough time with my addiction when I was younger, and it's a long story."
"I've got all the time in the world."
Taylor looks serious, so Karlie sighs and shrugs out of her jacket, making herself comfortable. They sit across from one another in the center of the bed, and Karlie talks for what feels like hours. She starts earlier than expected, back to when she was thirteen and started feeling like she was different from the kids around her. She progresses through her adolescence, reliving painful instances and gauging the reactions on Taylor's face. She talks about her affair with a student teacher, and how the trial had been a big deal down in St. Louis but had luckily not gotten broadcasted nationally. She even talks about Delilah, and feels weird as she does so because aside from Taylor, Delilah had been her longest relationship. If you could even call it that.
When Karlie talks about getting on a bus to New York in the middle of the night, two days after her high school graduation, a pained look spreads across Taylor's face. She doesn't interrupt, though, and Karlie is grateful because it's a hard subject for her, one that she doesn't like to relive often.
"They tried to report me missing but I was eighteen, and I didn't need their permission to go anywhere."
"What did you do for money?"
"I didn't have any. I slept in shelters and tried to find jobs during the day but no one wanted some eighteen year old from the gutter working for them. Luckily I found Derek, and he gave me a chance. I was too young to be working in a bar but he risked it anyway, and he let me sleep in the back until I could get a place of my own."
Taylor pulls her into a tight hug after that, and Karlie melts into it quickly. She breathes Taylor in and gets lost in soft blonde hair.
"There's not much else after that. I didn't talk to my parents until Christmas of that year, and then they started sending me money, but then they realized I was spending the money to feed my addiction. Going in and out of clubs, drinking myself sick, and having sex with strangers. They cut me off until the therapy incentive was thrown in, and I've been going ever since. And now I'm here, wondering what you're still doing with me."
Karlie feels physically and mentally exhausted. She's never given so much of herself to one person before, and she expects to see rejection or disgust shining in Taylor's eyes, but all she sees is warmth. Karlie receives a kiss that is long overdue, and suddenly everything is right in the world. Taylor starts to run her hands through Karlie's hair, and it has the potential to turn into the first time they've had sex in days, but then Karlie's stupid body betrays her. She yawns against Taylor's lips, breaking the kiss prematurely, and Taylor pulls away completely at the sound of it.
"You need to sleep."
"I'd rather not."
"Well, too bad. You've gotten three hours of sleep in the last two days, and you're going to sleep."
"But..."
"Maybe if you get enough sleep you'll have enough energy to take a shower with me in the morning." Taylor says it innocently but the look in her eyes makes Karlie's ears heat up.
"Are you bribing me?"
"Yes." Taylor affirms, looking very proud of herself.
"I guess I'm taking a nap, then."
Karlie only intends on resting her eyes, because she really doesn't want to delve back into the awful nightmares that have been plaguing her, but when Taylor gets under the covers with her and starts playing in her hair, Karlie knows she stands no chance. She passes out in mere minutes, and the last thing she hears is Taylor humming in her ear.
Karlie is certain that it is Taylor's soft voice that chases away her nightmares that night.