'I can barely go outside i can barely leave this room,' Louis said while frownig from our bed he had barely moved from there since the last week. He says he is 'ill' so he doesn't come to work. I have been keeping a very close eye on him but i can hardly tell if he is doing better.
'You need to see a doctor,' i said
'no i need to stop being gay,' he mumbled
'pardon?' i said and he shrugged and shook his head
I try and do everything to protect Jasmine from the sadness in our flat so i take her out when she comes back from preschool so she isnt always surrounded by depression but at the same time i have to stay with louis even though he really doesn't want me to so i am torn and me myself wants to be happy for my own selfish reasons so i take jasmine out instead of looking after Louis.
is that bad?
i took jasmine swimming in the afternoon after her preschool, she obviously cannot swim yet so i put her in floats and she looks so cute as she attmepts to do my strokes.
'Daddy when will i learn to swim?' she asked as she looked around the swimming pool
'when you are a bit older Jasmine,' i said
'will you teach me?' she asked
'of course,' i smiled
'and other daddy also?' she smiled
'of course me and other daddy will teach you how to swim we will teach you to ride a bike we will teach you to tie you shoes and we will teach you how to impress boys or girls whatver you like and of course we will teach you to burp the alphabet,' i laughed
'yay i cant wait i want to burp the alphabet as well as other daddy used to burp it,' she laughed
'so whose better me or other daddy at burping?' i asked
'other daddy definalty you are bad daddy!' she laughed
i preteneded to frown. i wondered when we could do all these fun things again i really hoped
after swimming i took her back home and washed her hair while she was in the bathtub i scrubbed her hair thoroughly.
Louis walked intot he bathroom and smiled at me and jasmine, i kissed him on the cheek.
'are you okay?' i asked him
'right as rain,' he said while washing his hands
'louis please dont hate me but i want you tto take these tablets they may help!' i said tossing him a box of depression tablets.
'of for goodness sake harry i told you i dont want help dor goodness sake just let me be!' he shouted
which made jasmine shudder.
'please don't argue,' she mumbled under her breath
'you may not want it but you sure as hell need it!' i shouted
Louis rolled his eyes and walked out of the room.
'why did you do that daddy he was talking to us! he hasn't done that in a long time,' Jasmine said to me
'jasmine-'
'no! you always push daddy away he's my daddy also,' she crossed her arms
'let me finish washing your hair then you can give me the silent treatment and ignore me okay? i said
'fine seems fair,' she said
after than she completly ignored me for al labout 5 minutes but then concluded she was lonely and came and sat with me while i was on the laptop that's what i love about little kids they never hold a grudge against you.
'Daddy what are you doing?' she asked
i was too glued to what i was searching on the internet to respond so she read it out.
'CLINICAL DEPRESSION CENTRES,' she said
'shhh jasmine dont say it out loud i dont want louis to know,' i said
'but then you are lying,' she crossed her arms 'you say lying is wrong!'
'Jasmine why don't you go and play in your room,' i said
she frowned and got up and walked to her room.
i wanted to help Lou without him knowing.
that evening i got into bed with louis he curled up into me like a little boy who needed protection. i rubbed his back and let him cuddle me i think he missed my embrace just as i missed his. he went to throw up i think he vomited because of self-inflicted pain though i couldn't speak to him about it. I wonder if Louis felt lost he had noone to talk to about the ppain he was going through he wouldn't talk to me about it why was he so reserved?
'harry whatever happens i just want to let you know i love you,' he said
'what has happened now?' i asked
'Someone has made an account on twitter dedicated to me its called 'die louis tomlinson' they have created an account on the bases of me dying they do this all the time! and its bullying and we cant do anything because they are stuck behin d a computer screen we aren't like jasmine we aren't young if someone is being mean to us we can't have people telling them to stop! its just i feel like i am in a constant battle,' He said
'Please Louis,' i said
'and harry please don't give me a lecture on how it will be alright because i know it wont,' Louis said
'Boobear,' i began
'just let me talk okay harry?' he said
i nodded and he started 'Everywhere i go i feel the world hates me if feel like i have no purpose in this world because everyone hates me i will always be known as a gay faggot noone will ever remember anything good i have done..i donated 2500 pounds to water aid why isn't that on the front page? I am sick of insults i am sick of hate i am sick of everyone just sitting behind a computer screen telling me to die just for the sake of it because they think it wont have much of an impact on me when it does words hurt harder than punches... Everything we do Harry can never be right can it? If me and you climbed a mountain for charity someone would still make a gay joke about it people complain about every thing we do and enough is enough it hurt us when we weren't together and it hurt us when we are together and when we are together it hurts not only us but the people we love jasmine has had bullying and glass thrown at her and she's only two it's only going to get worse for herfor the record Harry i am just tired of fighting,'
there was a long pause.
'You say the world hates you boobear but thats an insult to me and jasmine and the boys and gemma and your family we love you more than words could ever describe i would die for you Louis and the past few months has been killing me. My mother used to tell me heaven was somewhere you go when you die Louis but that can't be true because YOU ARE MY HEAVEN and you are jasmine's aswell and i am sure she wouldn't trade anything for you she misses you and she loves you' i said
i hoped this would help him. i hoped he would realise.
'I'm just tired of fighting harry i am tired of everything,' he said he then fell asleep before i could say anything more.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
the next morning was a saturday morning.
'Louis i am jusut taking Jasmine food shopping with me,' i called to him from the living room
'okay,' he said i heard him faintly as he was in our bedroom as per normal
'do you want anything from the store?' i asked
'no i'll be fine,' he said
'not even magnum icecream?' i asked
'no no,' he said
'i love you louis,' i said while putting jasmine' s jacket on and zipping it up
'love you,' he mumbled
~~~
me and jasmine hopped in the car we were in the supermarket when i got the horrible phone call when i look back at this event where i thought the world was shattering beneath me i remember every detail. We were standing in line with our huge trolley of food, Jasmine was wearing a denim dress with tights and a green coat and her hair was out and her curls looked more curly that ususal today infront of us in the queue was a man who looked miserable, the weather was chilly but a clear sky, Jasmine was complaining of a stomach ache so i rubbed her tummy and gave her water. It had been exactly 118 minutes since we left the apartment and left Louis.
*ring ring*
'hello are you the partner of Louis Tomlinson?' a woman with a kind voice asked
'Yes i am is everything okay?' i asked with worry in my voice
'Louis has been taken to hospital, he was found passed out in his bed about 20 minutes ago by your sister Gemma she called an ambulance immediatly it looks like Louis had been passed out for a good 40 minutes,' The woman said
'What! whats wrong with him?' i said quickly because i was in shock.
'he was found with blood all over his wrists he was self-harming and one cut went too far into his skin,' The woman siad
'oh my god,' i breathed i was shaking
'is he going to be alright?' i said inbetween sobs
'please harry just come to hospital immediatly it's an emergancy,' The woman said
'but is he going to be alright?' i said tears streaming down my face
Jasmine was looking at me with shock and confusion the whole supermarket had stopped in their tracks but i didn't care i was too indulged in this moment.
'come immediatly,' she said and hung up.
'shit,' i breathed
'daddy-' jasmine said
I picked her up and ran out of the supermarket without our food.
'daddy what about our food!' she said
'jasmine daddy is in hospital,' i said
'why?' she said shocked
i guess she understood from my facial expression that it was serious. I drove like a maniac to the hospital. i was quickly instructed to the room louis was being held in, he was in emergancy.
Gemma was standing there crying, the boys were sitting there hands on their faces.
'Thank you so much gemma for being there,' i said to her hugging her
'the doctor said another 15 minutes without help he would definatly be dead,' she said crying ' i came to your apartment by accident i was just returning jasmines cardigan and luckily i have a key,
'it wasn't accident it was fate,' i said
i rushed into the room Louis was being held in ileft jasmine with gemma it wasn't a sight she should see. he was knocked out cold on the bed with mega bandages all over his arm and there were so many tubes being attached to him. He had to survive he had to we have out whole life planned out he had to teach jasmine all the things she wanted to learn with me he can't die like this he's better than this he's only 21 he deserves a long happy life he can't go like this
he needs to hold on he can't let go just for now he needs to hold on he can't give up tear me apart. He can't give up he has a whole life to live.
'Boobear!' i cried out.