L o u i s a
"I was left to my own devices. Many days fell away with nothing to show." - Pompeii, Bastille
I glance at you beside me
Wind blowing through your hair
Eyes sparkling with passion
And a smile that can light the world.
If only it could light up mine as well.
*
"Ready to go?" Basil asks just as I enter the kitchen.
"Wait. Go where?" I reply, confused, approaching the counter that he's leaning against.
He looks at me, feigning hurt, bringing a hand to his chest for emphasis. "Didn't I tell you to keep today off?"
"Oh, right," I say, chuckling.
I was hoping he'd forget about it. I really don't feel up to doing anything right now. But it's too terrifying to decline his offer or get out of it now. What if he thinks I'm weird or a horrible person or just plain rude? I guess I'll just have to power through it and tolerate it. Again. Like I always do whenever I'm around people.
Wear a mask, smile and wave.
Isn't that always the case?
"Grab your stuff. We're leaving in about fifteen minutes," Basil commands before practically sprinting up the stairs and disappearing from sight.
I take a mug from the drawer and pour some coffee from the coffee jug into it, adding a spoonful of sugar and no milk. I place the mug on the kitchen island to allow the hot coffee to cool down before climbing the stairs myself, heading down the hallway and towards the guest room right at the end.
"Oh, and Lou?" Basil starts, opening the room door from across my room and sticking his head out, looking at me with his bright eyes. "Don't forget to bring some extra clothes and a towel."
"But Basil, why?" I begin, but it's already too late.
He's closed the door and locked himself back inside his room.
Please don't tell me this is what I think it is.
I enter my room and open the top drawer of the closet to my right, the only drawer in this room that I use to store my things, despite Aunt Annabelle's pleas to 'use what I want' and to 'make myself at home', and remove what Basil told me to bring. I decide to bring a white halter-neck shirt and black shorts. I hope I don't regret this choice of outfit.
I snatch my notebook, black pen and bottle off my bedside table and place all the items into my bag by the foot of the bed, zipping it and hoisting it up, wearing the purple backpack over both shoulders.
Changing my mind just as I am about to leave the room, I remove the shirt and replace it with a navy, elbow length sleeve shirt. As much as I love halter-necks, I know I'll feel very self conscious when I wear it.
I'm just not beautiful enough to pull it off.
I step out of the bedroom and close the door behind me before going back to the kitchen to finish my coffee.
I can't function without caffeine, considering I barely get any sleep every night.
I sit on the stool by the island, and, placing my bag on the floor beside me, I hold the warm mug with both hands and take a sip. The coffee is cooler now, compared to when I had just poured it out from the coffee pot and it's much easier to drink. I'm not the kind of person who can gulp down scalding liquids and I'll never be able to understand those people.
But then again, I've never been able to do anything right. Everything I do always turns out wrong, or go wrong eventually, and it always ends up hurting the people around me, the people I love. And I don't think anyone will be able to understand me either. They'll never know how it feels like to be in the shadows.
I'll always be alone.
"Let's go, kiddo," Basil exclaims as he enters the kitchen, a backpack across his shoulder.
"Why, kiddo?" I ask, getting to my feet and grabbing my own obnoxiously bright coloured backpack.
I wish I brought my black and grey one but, in my haste to get into the car the morning we were travelling, I grabbed the wrong backpack so I'n stuck with this one.
"You're asking a lot of questions today," he replies lightly, chuckling. "And why not, kiddo?"
I shrug.
He walks out the door and I follow suit. He goes down the pavement and take a right turn and I just let him lead me to wherever it is he's taking me, allowing my mind to drift off, as it always does.
I wonder what Basil has in store today. And I'm weirdly excited— I'm not sure why — to spend more time with him, but I know I've got to stop soon, before I'm in too deep.
Basil is a good person.
He doesn't deserve to be dragged down with me.
I bump into Basil, effectively snapping me back into reality. "What's going on?" I ask, slightly dazed.
He chuckles. "You're daydreaming again, aren't you kiddo?"
"Am not," I reply, suddenly defensive.
"Don't need to deny it. I can see it in your eyes." He laughs at me again and messes up my hair.
"Hey!" I exclaim, smoothening my hair, combing through it with my fingers.
He shrugs nonchalantly, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiles. "Anyway, kiddo," he continues, emphasising the last word," we're here."
"Here, where?" I blurt.
He gestures towards our right and my eyes follow his hands. A huge yacht sits on the majestic blue waters beside the pier, basking in all it's glory. The pristine white sails tower way above us, billowing in the wind, held in place by the mast. The wooden floor of the deck is spotless, and there are two chairs on the bow of the ship.
"Is that yours?" I ask, in awe of the boat.
"What? No. I'm not that rich," Basil responds lightly. "I rented it."
"That's still quite cool though."
"I know right." He walks ahead, towards the jetty that leads to the ship. "Are you coming of not?"
I jog to catch up with Basil, still admiring the ship. I may not have a fascination with boats per se but this yacht is really elegant and beautiful. It'd take a fool not to admire it. Basil climbs aboard the boat and extends his hand. I grab it and he helps me onto the boat. The moment I step on the deck, I can feel the waves rocking the boat and I nearly topple over. Thankfully, Basil is there to catch me before I fall.
"Careful."
I look up and find myself staring straight into his chocolate brown eyes, glinting with joy and excitement and my heart skips a beat.
"Anyway," he says, breaking eye contact first, clearing his throat, sounding slightly distracted," Shall we get a move on?"
S-Sure," I stammer, going to the other side of the deck and staring out into the vast, blue sea, my hands shaking slightly from anxiety.
I take in huge, shaky breaths in an attempt to calm down. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so shaken. It's not like I'm meeting anyone new. But then again, anxiety comes and goes as it pleases and there's no stopping it.
There's just something about Basil today, I can't seem to place my finger on it, that's different. He seems happier, lighter. His eyes sparkle more than usual when he smiles and he seems like he's just received the best news of his life.
If only his joy is infectious.
It makes me feel at peace, for some reason, that he's so cheerful and contented. But it's makes me sad as well because it's something I will never be able to share with him. It's something I will never be able to make him — or anyone else — feel.
I'm just a blackhole waiting to swallow everything up into a never ending abyss.
"Are you all ready to set sail?" Basil asks.
I turn to look at the boy and, seeing his beaming face, I can't help but smile. "Aye aye captain!" I exclaim, raising my right arm to my forehead to salute him.
"Grab on tight!" Basil replies, playing along.
Holding onto the railing surrounding the deck of the boat, I watch as he removes the rope that holds the yacht in position next to the jetty.
I carefully make my way to the very front of the deck, wanting to see as much of the ocean in front of us as possible as we cruise. I can feel the wind blowing against my whole being as the ship speeds forward, heading off into the horizon. It feels amazing, exhilarating. It feels freeing, like the very freedom I've been chasing but have always been slipping out of my grasp. I don't exactly know where we're headed. Or do we even have a destination?
"Basil. Where are we going?"
"You'll find out," he replies vaguely, raising his voice so that it's audible from the back of the ship.
"Can't wait," I say, brushing the matter off.
I trust Basil.
Why shouldn't I?
I just hope I'm not making the wrong choice. I've trusted so many people in the past and they have all let me down. But there's something about Basil that's different. He just seems so much more trustworthy and genuine. I hope I haven't made a mistake with him.
Just like I have with everyone else.
The sound of the waves and the rhythmic whir of the motor drifts into my ears. It's somewhat hypnotic and very calming. I turn around and take a few steps back, headed in the direction of the lounge chairs set up just behind me, taking a seat on one of them before lowering myself into a lying position, closing my eyes and feeling the sun beat down on me, letting my mind drift off drowsily.
What did I ever do to deserve a hard life? I've worked as hard as the next person has, haven't I? I listen to my parents, do everything they say, finish all my homework and study everyday. I do everything that's expected of me as a student and yet I'm subjected to bully in school and excessive chores at home. I'm subjected to a life of favouritism where I am always the one picked last. I'm subjected to a life where society deems me unfit to step out of the shadows.
What did I ever do to deserve this?
I'm not going to lie, when Mum said that I was coming here for the summer, I was afraid, terrified even. I didn't know anyone here. I have no one to turn to, albeit back home I only had Ria, but it's better than none, right? I thought that it would be boring here, with nothing to do, lonely and that no one, as usual, would want to be friends with an outcast like me.
But I was wrong. And I'm glad I came.
Cause maybe this will be my launching point, where things begin to look up.
I don't regret meeting Basil. Yes, I may only know him for a few days but his positivity and optimism and carefreeness is infectious and I am starting to feel like there is hope again, like maybe life will get better. And that Basil is trying to show me that it does, show me the beauty of the world, if only we take the time to see it.
And I may be wrong, but that's what my instincts tell me.
I really hope I'm not wrong.
If not, he'll just be another one of them, another one who got away. And I'll be left behind, wondering why I didn't listen to my brain, why I never learned my lesson even after all these years.
I feel the yacht slow down and I instinctively shoot up, panicked. What's going on? Why are we stopping? Something bad is about to happen; I know it. I shouldn't have trusted Basil. I should have—
Relax, Lou. Relax.
Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out.
Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about, Lou. Basil has everything under control.
But then, why do I still feel so uneasy? Like something isn't right about this?
"Are you alright, Lou? You seem very tensed," I hear Basil say, his footsteps against the wooden floorboard reaching my ears.
I turn to look in the direction of his voice and I find him standing next to me, with a black and white snapback atop his head. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine."
"Relax, alright, kiddo? The boat won't topple over," he answers, chuckling.
I laugh with him, but it was forced, like a kid pretending to understand an adult joke.
I bring my legs over and place my feet on the wooden deck, sliding across to make room for Basil and he sits beside me. He places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. I glance at him and he gives me a small smile.
"Relax, alright?" he repeats, as if he knows that I'm still anxious, rubbing my back comfortingly.
I nod, giving him a weak smile. "I'll try."
It's times like these I wonder if Basil knows what's going on in my mind. It's uncanny, really, how he almost always manages to catch me deep in thought. I've always been able to keep it hidden, keep it in. I've mastered the art over the years. Yet, how does he know? How does he read me?
Does he know something I'm not aware of?
"We're nearly there," he says, so soft that I barely caught it.
Basil stands up, his hat casting shadows on his face, making him seem dark and mysterious, his normally warm eyes turning stone cold, though only for a brief moment. I turn away from him, my heart pumping hard, fear creeping in, opting to stare into the horizon instead. I hear his footsteps as he walk away, presumably to the wheel.
I get up and walk to the railings again, leaning out, feeling the breeze as it runs through my hair. I close my eyes, savouring the smell of the sea. The boat slows to a stop and I straighten myself, smoothening the non-existent creases on my shirt.
"We're here, Lou!" Basil exclaims playfully.
I breathe a sigh of relief at the sound of Basil's voice. I'm glad the Basil I've come to know is back. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't.
I don't know if I can hold up around someone as terrifying as that.
I'm already struggling to keep up with my peers in school, where my biggest struggles are whether I'd be able to get through the day without being bullied. I wonder how I'll be able to survive in the real world if I can't even stand up for myself.
All of a sudden, it's like my oesophagus tightens and I can't breathe. My hands start shaking and I chew on my quivering lower lip. My knees feel numb and I collapse the ground, the world spinning around me.
"Lou! What happened?" Basil asks, running up to me, sounding concerned.
I know what's happening, I feel like saying. I'm having an panic attack. It's nothing new. but that doesn't make it any less easier each time. Though when I open my mouth, the words don't come out.
"Sit down, please," he tells me, helping me down into a sitting position on the floor. "Breathe."
In. Out. In. Out.
"You have nothing to worry about, okay, Lou? I'm here," he says comfortingly, rubbing my back.
I nod, trying my best to hold back my tears.
Damn it, Lou. Why do you keep breaking down around Basil?
I need to push away all my emotions and put on a cool front. My mask is cracking, especially around Basil, and he doesn't deserve it.
"Look."
My eyes follow his hand, finding myself gazing at an island. The sand along it's coast are golden and so tempting to play in, the water crystal clear, and lush greeneries fill the centre of the island, all the way up the mountain, the peak disappearing in the clouds. A smile forms on my lips, the breathtaking sight of Mother Nature effectively calming me.
"That's where I do my research."
"Research in what?" I mumble, my curiosity piqued.
"I study marine biology. I'm here on an internship with a laboratory specialised in marine biology. I am researching the ecosystem in that area."
"Wow. Must be nice to spend so much time on that island," I comment, my eyes still watery.
He shrugs nonchalantly. "Not if you don't have anyone to share it with."
He lifts my chin so that I'm gazing straight into his eyes. I'm blown away by the honesty his eyes hold, almost like they were trying — pleading even — to tell me something I don't understand. I break away, and he pulls me into his arms, resting his chin on my head and I lean against him, a sense of total serenity settling over me.
"Thank you," I mutter. "For telling me that."
"You deserve it," he whispers back.
I pull away from his embrace and we just sit on the deck, admiring the view, none of us saying a word. And honestly, I feel very comfortable and it gives me a sense of tranquility, calming my soul.
Thank you, Basil, for being here, for not shutting me out and calling me a freak. No one has ever done that for me and I've always been alone. Even if you don't entirely understand me, your gesture warms my heart.
If only it were enough to return my will to live, and not just stay afloat.
"Look at that."
I follow his gaze and find myself staring at the most beautiful sunset. All this while, I've only been watching the sunset from the beach and now, I'm actually out here, in the middle of the ocean, watching as the sun sets below the horizon.
The sky is a magnificent array of colours, ranging from red to soft orange to yellow, navy blue, just like the night sky, to pink to light blue, the clouds high above reflecting the rays of light, the ocean sparkling like a gem under the sun.
"Wow," I breathe. "I've never seen anything like it. Do you see this everyday?"
He nods. "And it still blows my mind every time."
I open my mouth to say something in reply but find myself at a lost for words. The sunset is so beautiful; words could never do it justice.
He moves, putting his arm around my waist and I rest my head on his shoulders, both of us gazing at the sunset, letting Mother Nature do her job.
"We should go," he says after a while, getting up.
He extends a hand and I take it, pulling me to my feet before heading towards the wheel as I head in the opposite direction, towards the front of the boat. I hear him start the engine and soon, we're speeding back towards the mainland, the wind blowing in my hair one last time before this day has to end.
The ride back is a lot shorter than I thought it would be. Before I knew it, the boat is slowing down and we are docking. Basil kills the engine and comes over, helping me down the boat. We walk away from the yacht until we reach the stairs that will lead us back to the rest of civilisation. The Sun is nearly gone, but there's still enough light to see clearly.
"Shall we head back?" he asks chirpily.
I shake my head. "Actually, I think I'll stay out here for a while longer. You can go home first."
"Are you sure?" he says. "I can stay if you want. It's no trouble for me."
"No, it's fine, Basil. You've given me enough today. Go. I'll meet you back home."
"Okay," he replies, still hesitant, but complies to my request anyway.
I heave a sigh of relief, walking out towards the edge of the water again, watching as it laps onto the sand. I run my fingers through my hair, untangling any knots left by the wind and looking out onto the ocean, now dark and murky because the night has fallen. The darkness enveloping a thing of beauty, just like the darkness does in life: devouring everything in it's path until nothing but emptiness is left behind.
"Careful," a familiar voice says, coming from behind me.
I whip my head around and see him, heading towards me, wearing a black hoodie, his hands in his pockets.
"What do you want, Sam?" I reply, trying not to sound rude or afraid, suddenly extremely exhausted.
"Not everything is exactly as it seems. I saw the way he was looking at you. I just want you to be safe."
"Why do you care so much? You barely even know me."
"Just, be careful, Louisa," he says darkly, before turning and walking away, leaving me in the sand to ponder on what he meant, his words lingering in the air.
Careful.
[A/N: Yay! I finally uploaded! Do you guys like this chapter? Hehe. So, tell me, are you team Basil or team Sam? Also, have you guys ever been sailing? I've never but I really want to. Also, if you enjoyed reading this, please give it a vote! Have a great day guys c:]