There were voices all around me, shouts and clamors that caused me to stir slightly. I felt like I was attempting to open my eyes but nothing was moving as of yet. The idea that I couldn’t move my own body sent me into a flurry of panic, heart hammering in my chest as I continued to try to peel my eyelids back. Nothing was happening and my fists would not clench. I wanted to scream but no sound would come from my lips. I wanted to kick and fight, but there was no stirring in any of my limbs. The sinking feeling in my gut made my whole body tingle with adrenaline, but even as I tried, I remained in a frozen state as though I were trapped in a corpse. The idea made me break out in a what I could only hope was a true cold sweat. I prayed I was not dead, laying caught in a carcass that would never move for me again.
And then I could understand what the voices were saying.
“He was holding onto her Jinxx, couldn’t you fucking see that?” someone with a male voice growled, “Can’t you see that there’s something wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with it?” I heard Jinxx’s familiar voice reply in annoyance, “He wanted to protect her, big fucking whoop.”
“He held onto her like she was his fucking wife or something,” the other man snarled.
“So what CC? I don’t know what you’re tripping out on,” Jinxx grumbled.
“He is the leader of this shit and if she’s involved, he is going to lose his head and you know it,” CC replied spitefully and I heard feet shuffling as though they were coming closer or moving away. I couldn’t decide yet. “I mean look at her.”
Definitely closer.
“What CC?"
"If he falls in love with her huh? Did you think of that? If he does that, this bitch is going to compromi-”
“If he falls in love with her man, that’s just what’s going to happen,” Jinxx replied, “If he loses his head, we are going to be there for him to keep going. Besides, Sixx isn’t the number one on this thing anymore, Cracken is. He is calling the shots.”
“Bu-”
“Dude shut the fuck up,” Jinxx snapped before I heard a clap on skin, “It’s going to be okay.” I heard a grumble before someone grasped my wrist, seeming to check the pulse. “It isn’t even set in stone if she’s going to wake up or not yet.”
“Well,” whispered CC, “If she does, it means trouble.”
“And I think it means the same if she doesn’t,” he replied, “But she’s stabilized for now as far as I can tell.”
“Yeah,” he conceded, “He hasn’t stopped asking about her. That’s why I know she’s a problem.”
“Or a solution. Something to fight for, you know? That’s what Doll is for me.”
I wasn’t sure what they were talking about. None of it made sense to me and I couldn’t tell if they were really speaking of me. All I knew was that I wanted to wake up. I wanted to sit up straight and scream, ask questions, cry, freak out or even punch someone right in the face. Were the gates of heaven locked shut and the pits of hell filled up so that I was trapped here in this cadaver? They had said I was stable, but I couldn’t move so it made no sense to think that I was in a viable body. Something was obviously, blatantly wrong with me and it terrified me to no end.
It was a long time before I heard anything again, or at least I assumed it was a long time. There was silence permeating the entire room and my ears had been ringing for what seemed like forever. I was still breathing, I could feel that as my lungs inflated and deflated on cue. I wasn’t controlling anything though so perhaps the length of time was not so stretched as I had imagined. However, when I once more heard the sound of footsteps, my heart leapt into my throat. All that ran through my head were allegations of fear that surrounded my mind and choked me fitfully, forcing me to once more try to move.
Nothing happened.
I listened as the steps came closer and then suddenly paused, shuffling emitting from the person next to me as he seemed to kneel. I felt heat on my skin as a hand encircled mine. It was awkward and somewhat forced, but it was nice to have the sensation of warmth. The room I was settled in was chilled, reminding me of a crypt or what a tomb would be like. I wanted to open my eyes and look at the person who was sitting next to me.
“I’m sorry,” his voice whispered, the quivers that seemed to overtake me feeling unnatural as well as frighteningly heart bound. I didn’t like the way he made me feel. It was dangerous. “I’m so sorry. I know I fucked up. I know I’m a sinner. I’m a walking flame from a fire that burns. I just want to disappear for what I did to you…I know I don’t belong here but I couldn’t stay away. This is my fault.”
I wanted to tell him that I made my own decision to go with him and that this wasn’t his burden to bear. Guilt riddled me along with the flash of anger sprouting from the fact that I was no damsel in distress who was easily influenced. I know my brother had died moments before this boy had saved me. I know I had followed him blindly but it was my choice. I was a free woman, not some babe with no way of figuring out her own life. There was definitely influence on his part when it came to my choice but nonetheless I was responsible for myself. Somehow the thought of him pitying me only made my fury grow, but as I heard him sniffle, I knew he was truly heartbroken for a reason I couldn’t understand and I wanted to ask him.
“Please wake up,” he pleaded. I didn’t stir. I desperately needed to and with every fiber of my being I tried with all my might to move, to scream, to cry.
With one last squeeze of my hand, he started to stand to leave. I continued to try and regain control of my body, forcing my mind to infiltrate my limbs so that I could once again feel my fingers. I concentrated on curling them, on moving my hand or clenching my fists. Frustration flowed through me unbridled while fear began to coat my insides unpleasantly. I could not die, I would not allow it. There was too much for me to do in this world and I had a purpose.
And with one last burst of energy, one shot at coming out of this, I screamed with all my might.
My eyes popped open to find a dirty ceiling that appeared more like that of a cave, the mottled colors of brown and grey painting the picture. I gasped, air filling my entire body and waking my mind with a poignancy that I had never experienced before. The surface I laid upon was hard, probably made of the same rock that loomed above me. I breathed heavily, gasping as I attempted to make myself more conscious. I gripped the stone structure beneath me and sat up, finding walls of the same color all around me. A doorway lead to darkness and no one was in the room, leaving me with a sinking panic that threatened to overtake me.
Until I heard someone speak.
“Ah, so you woke up,” Jinxx mused as he walked into sight, “Our sleeping beauty awakens.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I gasped vehemently, a product of my aggravation from only moments ago. He chuckled and came closer, a flashlight in his grasp as he checked my eyes. Fingers touched my wrist and took my pulse while his eyes continued to look me straight in the face. Those deep sapphire orbs were contemplating something that I could not fathom as his medical skills assessed my condition.
“Vitals are good, mind seems good,” he stated, “You think you can walk?”
“I would like to get out of here honestly, it gives me the creeps,” I replied, still gasping slightly. He chuckled and offered his hands which I took gratefully. I wasn’t so sure
“Alright, I’ll help you. It’s time you met everyone while conscious.”
***
The sheer number of people who had joined the cause, who had created the revolution was astounding. This place was humongous, a set of caves set deep into the earth that wound all throughout in intricate patterns. Many had become lost before a map had been made using what little rope and wire could be scrounged up. Red and brown and grey made up the complex rock walls, an astounding testament to the ability of nature to create a masterpiece. There was only one spot of black that made this place less than what I deemed hospitable to live in.
The leader was known as Cracken, Sixx the other half of this duel revolt. I thought the guy was a little scrambled in the brain area, but somehow everyone else saw him as a sort of prophet. He was much shorter then Sixx, about seven inches beneath the black haired angel boy. With stringy hair and a scraggly beard, his image fit the bill of a madman who told stories and created a web of lies. It was a bit disturbing to know that he would lead us into battle when it came down to it. We would be lead by him to show the masses of Faith what freedom was all about and I couldn’t stand him. He was too irrational and I didn’t understand some, if not all, of his tactics. It was like there was a puppet behind him, allowing the mad dog to go off on a rant of untold proportions. I could only pray that he wasn’t that person, that this man had more beneath the skin than I believed he had. Still, I seriously doubted it. I couldn’t understand why Sixx liked him so much and it bothered me.
But the faction I had joined still managed to surprise me. If I had known my brother was a part of this huge, majestic movement, I don’t know what I would’ve thought of him when he was alive. Somehow I thought I would be proud of him for being brave enough to be a part of this, but I wasn’t sure. It frightened me to be in this let alone to think of him in it. Being here made it hard to grieve for him when I was busy being a part of the uprising against F.E.A.R. The only time I was able to cry, to suffer in the idea that I had failed my baby brother was when I went to sleep. I shared the room with Pitts and Sixx to my dismay because Pitts snored and Sixx was awkward around me after saving me. I would roll over and sob into the scratchy sheets and straw pillow that I had been supplied with, falling to sleep only when I was too exhausted to produce more moisture.
During the day, however, I was in training.
I became adept at shooting and hitting with a bow, slicing with a double sided sword and fighting with my hands and feet. I put all the strength I had into the cause. I didn’t know what else to do. Between learning to defend myself and wondering what Sixx was thinking, I was absorbed. The only people I stayed in contact with were Jinxx and Doll because they were halfway normal. Pitts didn’t talk much and wasn’t particularly loquacious while CC seemed to hate my guts for a reason I didn’t understand. Jinxx said it was just his way, that he had horrible things happen to him and was very bitter towards new people but that he would eventually warm up. It didn’t matter to me though. The worst of the bunch was Ashely and I would take CC over Casanova any day. He was a constant flirt, even when I was beating the shit out of him during a spar. Beating him up made me feel better though and kept me from being fearful of his wooing ways.
The person that was constantly on my mind though was Sixx. I don’t know why I was so infatuated with the idea of him and any time I managed to think even slightly romantic of him, I near slapped myself. This was not a time where fairy tales could come true. I had only heard rumors of people meeting and loving one another until death did them part, only whispers of true love. Most couples were together for convenience and company, not for the famed romance that I had once heard of. My mother had taught me about it, as her mom before had told her. She kept that alive in me and I hated that about her. I didn’t need to fall in love, I needed to survive. I didn’t need a man, I needed to be formidable.
“Hey,” Doll said as she walked up, bumping my shoulder gently. I glanced at her, the bow in my hand now off target. I raised a brow.
“What’s up?” I whispered. She shrugged her shoulders.
“Cracken is at it again, talking about the rebellion like we’re some sort of apostles or something,” she replied, just as off put as I was by the leader. She didn’t think much of him and neither did Jinxx, but the rest of the group did. It bugged me to know that Sixx saw Cracken as an idol of sorts and I didn’t like that a godless man was the one mentoring my friend.
“What’s he saying now?” I questioned as I loosed another arrow, hitting the cloth man in the eyeball.
“Talking about how the church is full of fear, failures, and fools,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders, “The usual stuff. Sixx joined in though.” My arrow shot passed the figure I was aiming for and pinged off the rock with a metallic chime. I looked to her with concern lathering my features, a worry I couldn’t hide.
“What did he say?” I asked quickly, watching her face turn to pity.
“Following in his leader’s footsteps. Said something like ‘they call us nothing or they call us something. It doesn’t matter. Treat us cruel, it doesn’t matter. We don’t belong here.’” Her pretty blue eyes mirrored the emotion riddling my face and I couldn’t help lowering the bow to my side as I contemplated what this meant. Somehow I knew that Sixx would become as irrational as Cracken.
“I wish I knew what to do,” I whispered in defeat. She placed her hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t we all. Jinxx has a black eye after telling Sixx what he thought of Cracken. I don’t know what to tell him when he goes off on rants, saying how Sixx has changed. It’s true though and we all know it. It really bothers me too,” she admitted softly. I nodded.
For the months I had spent here, I was glad for Doll. She saw from my perspective and could agree where necessary and disagree where applicable. She kept me sane now that the man who had rescued me had gone off the deep end. Somehow I felt an attachment to him that I couldn’t comprehend. Maybe it was just that he had found me in my hour of need, like an angel sweeping in to protect and love. I had felt no qualms towards him for our near demise either and was delighted to find that Eagle had survived as well. Lately I was debating whether or not to learn to shoot from his back, but I was also determined to keep him hidden. Jinxx had taken him somewhere safe so that the masses of people here would not decide to devour him in an hour of desperate need. I would not let them eat my horse.
“Hey,” Doll said, shaking me lightly, “You alright?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, quickly trying to think of a subject change, “Do you think I could shoot off of Eagle?”
“Eventually,” she replied, her gaze moving past me. I glanced around, looking in the same direction that she had turned her attention to. There was a group gathering around one of the platforms in the cave and a man was standing on it. I assumed Cracken was to blame but was horrified when I found Sixx standing in a place of power. My mouth instantly went dry and my feet hurriedly shuffled towards where he stood, stomach full of lead. Doll followed me, her face just as horrified as I was.
He was calling something to the horde of people below, the mass now throwing fists in the air and cheering him on. This was madness. We didn’t need to act like a band of wild rebels even though that was technically what we were. This would cause chaos and anger to spread like wildfire. Maybe that was what we needed but I couldn’t admit to that. I would not agree to the dispersal of pandemonium…at least not like this. The way things were headed made me feel like when we went to Faith, all that would happen was the annihilation of all the people in this faction as well as most of the innocent population. He seemed to be becoming exactly what I dreaded.
“Can you hear the march of the rejects?! Line up a parade of the defects?! Can I hear we don’t belong here?!” he cried, fist pumping the air while his azure eyes glistened with passion, “Rise from the darkness eyes of the dismissed and hearts of the used! Show me your worst, your cursed and tell me the truth!”
I growled and began to stomp up towards him, near ready to drag him off the makeshift stage.
Doll grabbed me and shook her head, gesturing then to his eyes.
I realized in an instant that the cheering crowd was not what he was staring at. Those baby blues, those bright orbs were looking precisely at me and the gentle gap in his lips was in my direction. There was an expression of shock lathering his features fitfully while pearly whites hid beneath those beautifully pink lips. Pale flesh was stretched thinner than usual over his bones, dark black hair half shaved while the other part dangled slightly in his face to create a picturesque contrast. His gaze made my heart fall to my stomach and forced butterflies into my veins. I narrowed my sight and held my chin high, trying to show no weakness even though that was all I felt. Just the idea of him staring at me was causing me to turn to jelly, but I was too afraid to show it. He couldn’t know that this was making me weak at the knees.
“Why is he staring at me?” I murmured to Doll, trying to ease the tension rising in my heart.
“I…I don’t know,” she answered though there was uncertainty in her voice. I raised a brow and looked back to Sixx, watching as he smiled at me. There was a genuineness that I hadn’t seen in his speech and his eyes softened. I licked my lips before I looked away and started to walk off. Doll tried to stop me but I shook her off, trying to hide the fact that he was effecting me so. I wanted to go and beat the shit out of someone or maybe just go weep for Antonius now that I had a minute to myself.
But when a hand touched me and I whipped around to ask Doll to leave me alone, I did not find the ashen blonde. In her place, there was the tall, dark headed man that made my stomach flip.
“What?” I blurted, unable to stop myself. He smiled softly, though there was a wistfulness to his gaze.
“Nothing,” he replied, though his hand remained on my bicep. He seemed taken aback by the harshness of what I’d said, but I couldn’t help it with the surprise in my system. I swallowed and glanced at the ratty shoes I wore, my tattered clothes clinging to a withering form. For all the brawn I felt I was gaining, I continued to become skin and bones. Still, the sinew was starting to cover bone and I knew I could hold my own against this boy or any man now.
So why did I feel so small around him?
“Sixx?” I uttered, more vulnerable than I wished I was. He raised a brow at the crack in my voice.
“Are you okay?” he murmured and I glared at him.
“Not particularly,” I snapped, though it was less unkind then I had expected the retort to be. His hand drifted to touch my cheek and I gasped lightly, turning bright pink in the process. One of his fingers touched the dingy red wave of hair that sat upon my shoulder, his eyes wispy and nostalgic. “What are you doing?”
“What did I do to piss you off?” he growled. I shook my head.
“I barely know you,” I dismissed lightly, though it was not at all that simple in my head, “Why should I be mad at you for anything?”
He pulled his mouth off to the side and gazed at the ground.
“I guess not,” he murmured and instantly I felt guilt puncture me through. As he turned away, I reached out to touch him, nearly preventing myself from doing so but managing to touch his smooth skin.
“Sixx I-”
“Don’t worry about it,” he grumbled. I sighed.
“Sixx I’m scared for you,” I admitted, “I don’t know you that well but…it’s still there alright? This shit scares me.”
“What shit? The revolution?” he replied, though it was grating and somewhat angry. I was afraid that he would take this the wrong way. “You can leave when you want then.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I barked with narrowed eyes and he shook his head.
“I dragged you out here and-”
“You didn’t drag me anywhere. I helped you escape damn you.”
“Only to almost die. This is bullshit, you shouldn’t even be here.”
“Neither should you. Neither of us belong here. Cracken is insane-”
“Don’t even say that!” He swept his hand out in front of him furiously. “He has done everything and given up all of it to do this for us!”
“Bullshit Sixx! You don’t know anything about him!”
“And you don’t know a goddamn thing about me!” he snarled vehemently. I glowered at him, lips curled over my teeth.
“Yet I see something in you that matters. I see someone who will get back up when he’s pushed down! I see a warrior, a man worth while! I don’t see that in Cracken,” I roared, getting right in his face. His shimmering cerulean eyes took me aback for a moment and my breathing hitched as I realized where I was. I held my ground and watched as he backed off, seeming somewhat burned by how close I had become. “I care more about you then he does and I don’t know you. Riddle me that Sixx.”
I whipped around and stalked off, fuming and fitfully scorned. The tears came freely as I remembered fights I had with my brother and then how his head had blown to bits right before my sight. The sob rattled me to my core and I couldn’t hide it even as I strode faster towards another set of training grounds. I wiped my face, pulling my hair out of my eyes while I contemplating lopping the heads off of the rest of the dummies today. Fury had suddenly been spurned in me and it was the way I would deal with grief in this hour. I punched rock walls as I went through the long confusing tunnels of the cave, bloodying my knuckles and ripping flesh in a numb rage.
The thought of something happening to that black haired angel boy disturbed me to an extent I never had expected, nearly flooring me as soon as the concept popped into my head. I didn’t know if I could handle being alive if I ever watched Sixx murdered the way I had seen my father and my brother die. There was something about him I couldn’t deny, a magnetism to this creature that was more real then I could explain. In some ways, I hated him for it.
However, at this point I was in the revolution to protect him as much as I could and to protect the new friends I had made. This wasn’t about overthrowing the church for me, no matter what they had done to my family.
This was about the now and what I would do to preserve it.