I know that it has been quite a while since I've wrote a part in this book. The reason is that I have been struggling a little the past few weeks. I've been struggling with myself and my thoughts and my feelings. I've been struggling with the idea of what I want to become and do once I get older.
As I recently tweeted, it feels like I have something on my chest that I will never get rid off. Like I will never be able to breathe.
As you guys know I have been diagnozed with PTSD. I find it very hard to describe what that's like to other people.
I constantly have flash-backs. Flash-backs to my dad, to my time at home, to screaming, yelling and being called names. It haunts me every day. Not all the time, but every day. I have a lot of nightmares too. According to Alex I keep on talking in my sleep, sometimes even raising my voice.
Because of my PTSD I have been starting to develop derealization. This basically means I have days where I feel like I am living in a dream or movie. Not a movie I am taking part in, but a movie I am watching. I feel disconnected from the people around me and the events in my life. I no longer care about my present or future.
I am trying my hardest to be positive. To grow into this new life I have. To enjoy the fact that I no longer go through abuse and name-calling. That I finally have a chance to be happy. but it simply isn't that easy. It's not like the fact I finally left home and stopped all contact with my dad means that I can be happy. There's too much that happened because of that.
And really, I know there are people that have been through a lot more than I have and still manage to live their lives. To be happy and positive and make something of it.
I hope I can too. Just not now. In these past few weeks I've realized that I am not ready yet to be happy. Or that I simply can't yet. There's too much I remember and too much that follows me around.
If there's any of you struggling with PTSD, remember that talking about it always helps. Talking about it to my friends - who I know don't understand - still helps me a lot. Just because they listen and don't judge me for being so haunted by the past.
It feels a little pathetic to be upset about something from the past. Because why would I let my future be tackled by the past? I wish I could answer it, but I'm not sure how yet.
I honestly hope that regardless of all this stuff going on in my life, in my head and in my body, I will be able to keep on writing parts to you guys.
I know this chapter might not be helpful in any way, but sometimes I just need to get things of my chest. And this is the place that works best for me.
- Kyran