Chapter 19
"Okay I got it. William Monroe was not convicted but there is reason and proof. Child abuse - regular beatings, a trial of abandonment that didn't work for his son," Shannon said to me as her eyes were glued to the papers she held in front of her.
We spent hours at the library, researching every name according to the year. Hours into this and the table we were working at with a computer in front of us was cluttered. Laminated newspapers everywhere, books that we were able to trace any of these names in, each computer having multiple windows open, and not to mention the folder between us of all the names.
We started with Martin and worked our way back to his family. And with every piece of evidence we found of abuse, we added it to a new folder we were creating. Putting in order how every person was connected, we put documents and proof in that this family does in fact have a pattern occurring throughout history.
It started with Martin, clearly. He was the first one, the one into uncovering all this and we were working back from him. Since Shannon and I each took one of Martin's parents and researched them to see which one of them it was that committed the abuse, we started to get real results. She found that his mother, Margret, abused him and it was a dead end with his dad Albert so we didn't need to get involved anymore with him. And it went like that with every generation we looked into.
With every generation uncovered came great progress on our part. We leaned that Martin's mother Margret was blamed for numerous accounts of beating her child and scarring him on his back. Since it was never proved, she didn't get busted but that was enough evidence to show Martin was clearly abused somehow - the beatings and the scars which weren't denied.
Looking into her past for the reason's why she did this to her child, why she continued this behavior, we found more reason to this growing pattern. Margret suffered from internal injuries more than twice, all from 'unknown sources.' However, digging into her medical records, I discovered she was also a victim of rape from her father, which was a confirmed fact. It all pointed to the obvious: child abuse and in her case, it was very severe for my great grandmother.
Margret's father, Andrew, who raped her, had the pattern of abuse too. He owned a farm down in Mississippi and it was reported that he had two children - Margret and Henry. Shannon was able to pull up reports of the police uncovering Henry's body in the barn. He was stabbed numerous times and though it was proven that Andrew killed his son, he was able to get away with his daughter and lived quietly for years later until one day, the two were recovered. Margret was raped for years by him until she could no longer take it and snapped. She shot her father and when she did that, that's when her story came out of her abusive childhood, one she later repeated.
It was at this point in time it became a little tricky for us to dig deeper for the fact that, with every generation we went back, the harder it was becoming to find evidence. Documents on anybody was hard to come by, death certificates were vague.... Shannon still was managing though because she was able to find and pull up a report on Andrew's father, looking into the reason's behind the abuse towards his kids.
"William Monroe moved him and his family down to Mississippi for work. It's not clear why but during that time, where he lived prior, people started losing their jobs at the mills and I figure that was his best option for him."
I scooted my chair closer to her and took in the newspapers in front of her, enclosed through lamination. The coloring of the paper and the texture of it looked more than worn or old. We were getting back into the early 1800s now.
The article she was looking through looked similar to all the ones before. Most of the ones before were just mentioning members of my family. Some were actually helpful and those ones, we kept in the folder for evidence. However this one was in the middle. It didn't point to a crime but rather validated why they moved. The entire story covered people heading to look for more work and in the article, William was mentioned. There was a little section for an example of what kind of a life he had when losing work. It wasn't what exactly what we needed though.
"What about him abusing Andrew?"
Shannon looked back up at the computer to another article she had pulled up. She scrolled down until she found what I was asking for that could really help. Showing me, she pointed to the text as she spoke. "It says here, about 5 years after they moved, William tried actually selling his son or trading for work. That's not common back then but it happened I guess between families that needed work on the farms. After he gave Andrew up on what he was now claiming to be a good purpose for work, the people Andrew was living with reported clear signs of abuse on his body. And when they went to the police with that information after confronting his father, William was quick to take him back so there was never any proof to show; just speculation."
I pursed my lips as I sighed in relief. One more piece to the puzzle we had. And one more article closer to putting Clare away. It was a great feeling, knowing we were actually building up a solid case against her. However, with every piece of evidence, my possible future seemed to become that much more real - and it terrified me, the thought that I might end up like all of them.
That was a thought that continued to enter my mind each time we uncovered more history to suggest that pattern was true. It was more of punch in the gut really. I knew what Martin said - that this went back for generations and I believed him. But to actually have concrete proof that existed, that pointed to this clear pattern, and to see how much abuse was committed so far, it was scary. We only made it back to the 1800s and it seemed as if this long path to the present was just overwhelming, knowing the abuse has been happening for that long. What was even worse was that we didn't know how much farther back this would continue because the more we found, the more I felt sick with realization that this could be me one day.
Shaking my head though, knowing it wouldn't do me any good to keep dwelling over this, I needed to remember this was helping us and thinking about the effects wouldn't help. "Print it off," I said, pursing my lips and sitting back up and away from where I was leaning to see her computer.
Reaching back over in front of me, I took a deep breath as I grabbed the folder we started with all the evidence we were uncovering and opened it. All the documents we came across, all the papers we printed off, everything that held evidence of abuse in my family we took and put it in this folder. And each time we put something more into this folder, the happier I was that this was one step closer to being over. And at the same time, the more upset I seemed to feel because it was so depressing how long this has been happening and knowing that nobody was able to break this cycle. It made me nervous because it made me feel so small... if none of these people were able to handle it, how will I if I ever had kids?
My only answer was that I couldn't have kids. And I would just have to live with that.
After Shannon printed it off, she grabbed it from the printer and handed it to me when she came back to where we have been sitting for the past couple hours. Sitting down, she looked down in front of her and also picked up the other laminated article in front of her she was reading about William moving to Mississippi, handing it to me. Placing both in the folder, I closed it and set it down but when I looked back up to Shannon, I noticed she was looking up at the clock on the other side of the room.
"It's getting late," she sighed and glancing to where she was, I grimaced. 8:45. Great. And I still had homework to do. Was that as important as this was to me right now? Hell no man!
"We still have some time, right? What time do they close?"
She only shrugged and came to face me more, her brown eyes framed with her lowering eyebrows at my question. "I have no idea." She narrowed her eyes on me but looked more worried than anything. "I think we should probably go though. Luke will be worried seeing the time and don't pretend you don't have any homework," she smirked.
I groaned and her smirk turned into a sly smile. "Well damn it, we still have a lot left to do," I said.
"Then I will come and pick you again soon and we will continue where we left off. Be proud of yourself. We got far today and found a ton of information."
I pursed my lips. "Well I want more. I mean, I guess it was good progress today but I just wish we had more time for more..." I mumbled like a little whinny child. But hey, I didn't care; I was determined and we now have to leave.
She crossed her arms and shifted more in her seat more next to me until she was fully facing me. Glancing over to her, I noticed that worried expression back. "Well, first of all, like I said, this was just the first of many days we will be here. Not to mention, the last thing I need is for you to start having some crisis in the middle of the library."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't tell me this stuff isn't affecting you," she said, indicating all the papers and information around us. Raising an eyebrow at me, all I could do was look away and sigh.
"I'm fine. It just... kind of hit me, that's all. No big deal," I played it off. She didn't need to know my stress over this. It didn't matter and it wasn't her issue, it was mine. Not to mention, I will not complain today or be openly negative just because I'm feeling a bit worried over my future. I wont when I am more than thankful that we found all this today and that's what I need to remember: this was helping us. So I wouldn't complain over my own worry just because it's a family pattern.
"You know, it is a lot of family history that would back up you doing the same thing. But I don't think you will," she said softly to me.
Looking over to her, I sighed. It was just like the conversation I had with Luke all over again. I appreciated her concern but it wasn't needed. "I understand that you are worried for me. Because to tell you the truth, yes, this scared me today. But it's nothing I can change. I can only hope it wont happen in the future. And it wont," I assured myself, recalling what must happen. "I'm not going to have kids," I said, shaking my head firmly.
"That's your only reason for not having kids?" she asked. "Because you're scared?"
I scowled, looking down. The way she put it made me sound like a coward. "'Only reason?' I think that's a big enough reason when you look at the fact that every time someone abused in my family has had a kid, that kid is abused."
She pressed her lips tightly together, looking down slightly and I think she understood where I was coming from. It wasn't long after this that we packed everything up, put away all the books, and left. Shannon was right about something though because when I picked up that folder for evidence, it did make me proud despite the fear that it made me feel. We were actually getting somewhere. For the first time, we had something.
***
When Shannon pulled up with me in her car, I didn't expect her to get out with me and come in the house. After all, it was late and I'm sure that after several hours at the library, she wanted to go home. But first, she said she wanted to talk to Luke about something that must have been rather important in my opinion. I mean, we were both hungry and tired so I could only assume so. I just hoped it wasn't something that would cause us even more drama That was the last thing we needed.
Walking through the door and entering the warm house from where it started snowing outside, I stomped off the snow from my boots before kicking them off. Removing my coat at the same time, I started exposing myself to the heat around me in the house and it always made me feel better, getting out of the cold. I could feel my cheeks and nose were red from the cold, even when it took us two seconds to go from her car to coming inside.
By the time I was starting to warm to the conditions inside, I looked around the living room and when I didn't see neither Luke or Clare, I figured they were already sleeping. However, I couldn't ignore the pounding of little paws approaching and in the next moment, Jack was there, jumping up and against me before doing the same to Shannon, happy to see us. As excited like usual, he jumped against us with that carefree tail wagging like crazy. Fortunately, he got over what Clare did to him fairly quickly. He was back to his happy self but I noticed that every time Clare was around him, Jack's tail would go down and he would avoid her as best as he could.
Petting Jack and greeting him hello, I looked around and towards the stairs but nobody. I didn't seem to notice the kitchen light was on though and after I got my coat off and Shannon did the same next to me, the side of my eye caught movement. When I turned towards the kitchen more, I saw Luke come into sight as he neared us.
Supporting a long sleeve grey shirt and jeans, I looked him over and also noticed he was holding a dish towel and I felt a scowl come over me. I missed dinner. I figured I had but I guess it was worth it. Looking up into Luke's warming eyes helped though and the only hunger I could feel in me was for him at that second. His brown hair was curled back behind his ears and brushed the side of his cheeks, the color in perfect contrast with the smooth skin on his face. His lips were tilted up and gave us both a nice smile and when his eyes reached mine with that smile, I felt my heart start to sickly flutter in me. The green in those eyes so beautiful... so bright with the tan facets only highlighting the jade and emerald embedded.
"Hey guys, how did it go?" he asked us, getting my head out of the clouds and back into focus mode with confusion coming over me.
"You... want to talk about it?" I whispered. "Where's Clare?"
"She's went up to take a shower then was heading to bed early and I was suppose to go to bed soon too. But since you guys are here, that can wait," he mumbled. Though that seemed like a good thing because it would allow us some time to talk since she was up in bed, he frowned at that and that same sad and guilty look came over him as it had a few days ago. It was driving me simply crazy because this was happening every couple days and whatever it was, I wanted to know. The bastard refused to tell me though but it was plain on his face that there was something going on and whatever it was, it was bothering the shit out of him.
That look was gone a moment later and his eyes returned from thinking over something to reality. Smiling once more, seemingly a little more forced though, he swung the towel he had in his hand from doing dishes up and over his shoulder as he gestured for us to follow him in the kitchen.
Upon entering, I could have hugged him. The smell invaded my nose and I was happy there was food leftover from dinner. "Both of you, make a plate," he said, moving towards the table and sat down while we happily fixed ourselves a plate of the spaghetti he made.
By the time both Shannon and I sat down to eat, we started explaining just what we found to him. I didn't go into too much detail over what we found since we weren't finished researching yet. But I told him enough to make him happy over our findings.
Twirling the noodles around my fork, I took another bite before I went on explaining as I chewed. "So ultimately, we got back to the beginning of the 1800s," I said somewhat quietly. After all, you couldn't be too quiet when we were covering evidence to take a woman down who happens to be in her bedroom just above our heads. "We actually got through a decent amount of people."
Luke's eyes shined with pride and glory over everything we have said so far. He was happy how much dedication we put in and just how great the results were. Looking between me and Shannon, I saw his lips tilt up even more. "So you were able to get evidence... on every person that was involved in this pattern?"
I nodded. "Yep," I said, and pointed back towards the living room where I left my bag with the folder in it. "We've got a big folder filled with articles and papers about everyone we came across that was relevant in being abused and then abusing their kid in return."
His smile grew to a full out grin, his teeth shinning with happiness at this great news of such great progress. "Well that's great," he said to me, clearly pleased by what we accomplished and it was clear in his eyes that he didn't expect us to get this far or have so much evidence at the rate we did.
"Since we only got back to the early 1800s," Shannon cut in after she finished chewing her food. "I planned on taking Albany again so we can continue where we left off." Her next words were aimed at me when she looked towards me, those eyes curious and questioning too. "I also wanted to look into Martin a bit more or some of his other relatives to see if Clare ever was treated worse than anyone before her. I mean, we have come across some harsh stuff but the way Clare was constantly tormenting Albany, in the number of ways she has, I figure there must be something more. I want to know about the abuse she was given so we can also look into that next time we go. It will be a little harder I think but, I mean, its worth a shot."
When Shannon said that, it peaked my interest, obviously. I mean sure, all this was interesting, looking into family and finding out how they were abused. But there was nothing like finding out more about Clare's past. Because she had a point. She couldn't have been abused with a few beatings like all the others. Hell, maybe her background consisted of something a bit more serious like Margret's with her getting raped. I figured it must have been worse than that even because even with Margret getting raped, it didn't make her abusing her child much worse than the usual in our family. So I figured it must have been more, worse, for Clare. Beyond her father even.
I nodded, anxious to know, to look into it more. "So do I. I think you could even be right. I mean, we found reports on the abuse committed. But most of them were dominate with something specific... whether rape, beatings, scarring, abandonment.... Clare's done more than just a few things to me. Countless. And I think there might be a bigger reason behind it. Her abusing me was over the top and constant in comparison."
When meeting Luke's eyes after saying that, I saw pain fill them at the reminder of just how bad I had it. There was more to it clearly though when for the longest second, he just stared at me with a blank face, all but his expressive and low eyebrows.
"Well good," Shannon said, distracting me from Luke's stare. Glancing back to her, she smiled to me, reassuringly. "We will find more answers and I will pick you up again to take you in a few days." Finishing up her plate, she stood up and took it to the sink and added it to the soapy water for dirty dishes that Luke was in the middle of cleaning when we came home.
Looking at her, she smiled to me before her eyes turned a little more sad and traveled back to Luke. He was still looking at me with those strange eyes but when Shannon looked at him, I think he could tell because he looked up to his side towards her and smiled. I noted she only returned a fraction of it and it was clear she was about to bring up something that wasn't of the best of topics to talk about.
"I'm going to get going but Luke...?"
He raised a brow at her. "Yeah?"
"Do you... you remember what tomorrow is?"
I was confused but as I looked between the two siblings, I saw anything but confusion. Sitting across from me, I noticed a lot happen and all at once when his eyes were on Shannon. First, that brow raised was gone, flat, and there was no question left in his face. Whatever she was talking about, he knew. And not only that, it hit him, whatever it was. His jaw tightened and his eyes widened in intensity towards her. I noticed through his shirt his chest was moving a bit faster and if that didn't give away his clear anxiety, his tight fists did from where they rested on the table.
Silence was all that separated us and when I glanced to Shannon, it was as if she regretted bringing whatever it was up. "Yes," Luke whispered, voice raspy and I noticed his eye move down and come to rest at the table. "Of course I do."
"Um, just..." she tried to get the words out in a manner that wouldn't hurt him because this was a fragile subject - so fragile, I didn't even want to ask what it was. "Just don't bring Clare, okay? The last thing you need is her there."
Luke gave her a one nod answer and when he refused to give her anything more, I think Shannon knew there would be no way to get his mood back up. Her lips a tight line at this point, she glanced over to me and smiled. She understood my pure confusion but wouldn't address it; I guess that was Luke's job if he even wanted to when she leaves.
"I'll see you soon," she said to me before she quietly left the kitchen. A moment later, I heard the front door open before closing and I knew she was gone and heading home. I hardly noticed though. All my attention was on the conflicted man sitting across from me.
Luke was facing enough problems at the moment and whatever it was Shannon brought up didn't help. Besides already having those weird moments every few days that showed me he was very uncomfortable, now there was this... whatever it was. I wanted to know what. Because I was sick of not knowing why he has been so upset lately. So uncomfortable and guilty. This was something else though because all that was on his face was complete sadness and this time, I wanted to know what the hell it was.
"Luke?"
"What?" he breathed.
"Tell me. Since you don't want to tell me anything else, I want to at least know what she was talking about," I said softly.
It took him a long minute to do anything but just sit there and stare at the table, eyes lost but I knew he heard me. Finally though, his lips parted in almost pain, and he told me. "Hailey...."
Well.... I didn't see that coming. Hailey was his sister that was kidnapped a long time ago when Luke was just a kid. And he never talks about her because he thinks it was his fault for her being taken because he wasn't with her on their way to school. It scarred him for life and really messed him up and the only reason I know is because I was the only one he really ever told. It was a very sore subject and he's not over it. I understood perfectly where he was coming from too. I lost my younger sister Emily and it was my fault. Accept, in his case, he had no idea where she was or what happened to her. At least I did.
"What about her?" I asked quietly after a moment. I didn't have a clue what tomorrow would have anything to do with her. I still didn't understand but in this case, if Luke didn't want to talk about this, even though I was determined for him to, I wouldn't push. He could keep quiet if he wants because this involved his sister.
"It's her birthday tomorrow," he whispered, still not looking at me. I cringed and I knew the pain it took for him as memories started to rush back through my head of what Emily's birthdays use to be like. But thankfully and surprisingly, he didn't stop there like I expected him too. I watched him carefully and saw him swallow before he managed to look up and at me, his eyes filled with pain at just the simple subject of his sister. "Every year we have a small get together with a cake for her. Mom was always persistent to have her birthday after she.... And now it's like a tradition."
I bit my lip in pain - not just for him but for me too because I use to do the same thing and I knew how badly it hurt. Looking deep into his tormented-soaked eyes, I took a deep breath. He just couldn't catch a break... and I didn't know what to do about it.
"I want to make you feel better," was all I could say. I didn't want to reassure him of anything like every other person alive would do. I wouldn't tell him it would get better when that was partially up to him. I told him the truth and that was that I wished I could do something for him. Because I sincerely did.
He sat back a bit and ran a tight hand through his hair after glancing away from me almost forcefully, not wanting the connection there and that was fine. I understood and found it better myself to not feel vulnerable when I was at my most vulnerable point. "Well then..." he stared and paused for a minute, really thinking it through. Finally though, he said, "Maybe you want to come with me? I mean," he sighed and his voice was close to quivering. "I don't want you there as my crutch. I just think that maybe it will help you too and it would help me knowing you are there...."
After he said that, he shook his head a little and looked back down, as if upset with himself and even a little embarrassed he would say such a thing. He regretted what he said and shook his head more powerfully. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't ask something of that from you..." he scoffed at himself
"No," I said, shaking my head because I knew how it could help. I mean, like I said, we both had issues connecting in vulnerable moments but I suppose it would feel nice to have someone there to make you feel better. "I want to go," I said. Not to mention, his sister was a very dear part of him and if someone that special can affect and be with him in his heart, I think she would respect the fact that I would have liked to have known her.
"You do?"
"Yes," I nodded. "And like Shannon said, the last person you need there is Clare. I want to go instead," I told him sternly, hoping he saw I really meant that.
After a second of just watching me with curious eyes, I noticed his lips just softly tilt up, almost shyly to me. "Well... okay then. Good," he nodded, glancing away from me once more and I smiled myself, happy I could be there for him. And I wanted to prove that to him. Because no matter how close I wanted to be, no matter if I loved him and would always want to be there, I couldn't. So I at least wanted to show him that I will always support him, help him, be there for him even as just a friend like he has always done for me. Will it be different? Uncomfortable for someone like me that isn't use to showing comfort? Yes. But I wanted to be there. It was a feeling I haven't experienced before but I knew I could trust it.
***
After that, I noticed another shift in the air - a familiar one. That same one.
Once I finished eating and he was done with the dishes, he seemed to want to know more about what we found at the library. Then he was anxious to try to find something else he needed to do before heading up to bed. Did he have any more dishes he needed to do? Did he need to do any laundry...? It was like he was stalling again and I just didn't understand. He was anxious, nervous, and seemed a little scared too along with all the guilt.
It was that same feeling I noticed, that same behavior... the one he has been having every couple days or so and though I was still worried over it, I didn't want to push for him to tell me. After all, he and I did just talk about a very sensitive issue - his sister - and I didn't want to push him past his limit, especially when I could tell that whatever this was now, shook him up real bad.
He finally went to bed just as I was heading up to shower. What he didn't know was that after I took my shower, I headed back downstairs to do my homework under where there was better light than in my room in the kitchen.
I spent a good hour just on math - which sucked big time guys and I know I don't have to tell you. The only thing I found nice was the silence around me to get this stuff done. Jack was content on the floor at my feet, sleeping against the kitchen floor under the table. By the time I whipped out my chemistry shit - ugh - and got to work, something broke my concentration.
The only noise I heard was the sound of a door opening from upstairs as well as the creaking steps that went with it. Someone was up but that didn't mean I needed to stop doing my homework. So I tried to keep at it, flipping through my chemistry book and finding the right pages I would need to read for the homework my bitch of a teacher gave me.
However, once more, I stopped and listened to the sounds echoing throughout the house. At night, all noises seemed louder and this especially seemed so for the fact that whoever it was, was going to bitch me out for not having my homework done.
At hearing those footsteps move down the hall upstairs and start to head down the stairs, I internally groaned and waited until those footsteps, I could hear, reach the bottom. Silently, I sat there and just waited then because I knew any second, either Luke or Clare would walk in.
That didn't happen. In fact, as I sat there and just listened, I heard a few more steps taken before it stopped. And with having no interruption for the next few minutes, I became curious. Quietly, I stood up from where I was sitting at the cluttered table and walked over to the entrance of the kitchen and stared out into the living room in search for whoever it was that came downstairs.
And at the sight, I froze. My heart went cold and my eyes felt betrayed.
Luke was sitting on the couch, shirtless, and looking at him even closer from this angle, I saw he wasn't wearing any pants. Just boxers. And though I could drool over the way he looked, I was more disgusted than anything at the moment.
Because with the moonlight shinning in on his skin, it lit up the glaze of sweat that was covering his body. His breath was still ridged and though his face was tortured, disgusted, and even more guilty than before, the realization of what his problem was hit me harder to the point where I couldn't care.
I felt my jaw go slack as I stared at him... at the man I loved, and at the man that just fucked my mother. At the man that would hate himself for it for the rest of his life, and at the man that knew it didn't matter at the moment. Because it didn't matter to me either. The fact was, it all clicked together at once. I never felt so betrayed before.
"Oh my god," were the words that slipped accidentlly from my lips upon that realization. They were also the words that gave me away.
Luke's head was bowed from the second I saw him, resting in his hand in his lap, as if in shame. But when I said that, he looked up in shock at me because he had no idea I was there, that I was up, and that I just found out what it was he was hiding.
"Albany..."
My stomach dropped out form under me and I felt as if I was going to throw up. He just had sex with her... just while I was doing my homework... I should have realized it before, known that he would have had to.... Disgusting and true thoughts ran in my head and I wasn't stupid enough to think that he wanted to do what he did. I know he didn't. I know he felt and was forced into it. And that's what bothered me the most at that moment. That I was so ignorant, that I hadn't figured this out sooner.... It should have been obvious! Of course, he would have to had to continue to have sex with her. He's been keeping this act up for months. Why would it stop at sex? It wouldn't!
I didn't even realize it but my hand was wrapped around myself, as if trying to keep myself up and I felt my suddenly tired body lean into the frame of the kitchen entrance. I felt weak, sick... and looking at Luke, I saw he felt the same at seeing me standing there, having realized what just happened.
"You... you just fucked her...." I whispered, closing my eyes tightly. I just wanted this to be a dream.
I hadn't realized I was shaking where I was. I also didn't realize that he was moving, quickly, and before I knew it, I felt his hands grasp my arms and bring my attention back to him. He was now standing before me, breathing even harder, and it made me sick - part of that reason was because he just had sex with Clare.
I felt my lips move, trying to say something, and I couldn't. My eyes on the floor, breath shaky, I didn't know what to do. What to think! I felt disgusted at what he did and even more so disgusted at me for not even letting it cross my mind that they could have been having sex. "Albany!" Luke said in a hiss full of fire, full of sadness that was just begging. His hands came up and I felt him cup both my cheeks so I would look at him. "Sweetie, look at me," he said softly and I felt something I hadn't expected - a big lump in the back of my burning throat. Breathing hard, I forced my watery eyes up to him and it just made it that much worse.
I loved those eyes. And taking them in... they were filled with a pain I never knew before. A desperate and begging, a guilty and gut-retching pain that I wanted to take from him. But that was the problem. I felt almost as if he deserved it.
"I-I didn't..." he tried getting out, breathing hard. Shaking his head as he stared down into my eyes, I felt them the wonder, move anywhere but to his eyes. When he continued speaking though, I was forced to look up at his eyes. "I didn't want to do it! Do you understand that? I didn't want to," he said with clenched teeth, hands shaking slightly under my skin.
"Yeah..." I managed somehow, looking away and I just felt as if I needed to get out of there. Away from him. Away from his sweaty body because I didn't want him, his body, that reminder standing right in front of me.
"I mean it!" he said, voice breaking. His face was begging me, an inch away, and I felt so sick... so sick. My arms and legs were crawling in chills and I felt a twisting sensation in the pit of my stomach. "I didn't want to! I hate this! I hate her. And I didn't h-have a choice!"
I was so lost in it all, I don't even recall thinking it over when I said it again. "You just fucked her..." I shook my head and blinked the nearing tears away as best as I could. I couldn't wrap my head around it and so I guess that's why I kept repeating it.... "Y-You've been fucking my...."
I wasn't a child. I knew they had sex before. But ever since he discovered that she was the liar and I was telling the truth... I guess in my mind, I just got rid of the concept of sex between them because it was just so disgusting. Not to mention, I knew it was like it was out of the question since I knew he wouldn't have wanted to do it. So... I guess I just figured they weren't! But I should have! It was my own fault because I shouldn't have been so ignorant to know that of course, they would have to.
"Albany..." he breathed, biting his lip as he looked down at me. And when he did, it finally hit me. It hit me hard. I felt the hate of the whole situation well up inside me.
"Did you enjoy it, Luke? Hmm?" It was a rotten thing to say. Mainly because I knew he was right, because I believed him. I knew he did what he did because he had to. I was just being a bitch because I hated it.
"No!" he nearly screamed in my face, begging.
I tried turning my face away from where he was grasping me between his hands. Only they were so firm, so needy to have my eyes on his.... I felt my lips quivering and I had to bite down, hard, to make it stop and though he wouldn't allow my face to turn away, my eyes were down and refused to meet his.
"I didn't enjoy it," he said, trying to get me to look at him. In a whisper, he spoke, and so intimately to me, I felt ready to drown away from it all. "I didn't want this. I didn't want to have sex with her, I didn't want to hurt you, and I didn't want be trapped like this!"
I couldn't say another word. Instead, I forced myself away from him and once I pulled his arms away, I was moving, away from him, and swiftly running upstairs. I needed to be away from him as fast as I could manage. I couldn't see him, be around him, especially after knowing what he just finished doing with Clare.
Jack following me up into my room, I closed the door behind me. I didn't cry and I was happy about that, especially when I was being a big cry baby as it was. I shouldn't have reacted like that, I shouldn't have yelled back at him, and I should have been there for him instead. I should have helped him but I just couldn't stand to. Tomorrow or some other time. Not now, even though I knew he probably needed that. I knew he was hurting for the longest time over this. Hell, he just came downstairs for what I could guess to be just for air, space, because he was so disgusted by what he had to do.
I could understand that. Because I understood him the best and knew he didn't want to. But that didn't make me feel any better. Time erases pain and that was something someone like me should know. Some sticks with you though and I had a feeling this would stay with me for a while.
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Alright guys, big moment! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope to upload soon again!