A dream come true by @kyra92
Since this is a completed story and a one chapter story I'll just suggest some writing tips that writer has to focus on.
1. The start of the writer's story is in form of poetry so I would suggest writer to put some space and structure the first pagragraph in form of poem.
2. The writer has used exclamation mark unnecessarily.
The writer might wanted to highlight some fun dialogues with ut but exclamation aren't used that way.
3. While using a punctuation mark ,use of comma is necessary.Either in front or at the end
Eg: "I'm really sorry",he said to me.
Or
He said,"I won't be able to do that"
4. After a but I can see the writer using comma.It is totally wrong.
5. Mistake in a dialogue
After a but you don't use fortunately
And actually you have to use unfortunately in that part.
Why unfortunately ,because It was going against the idea of the character.
He wanted to stop thinking about her but he couldn't so in that case use,
" unfortunately I kept thinking about her".
6. Use of the letter I should be in capital even if its not the beginning sentence.
For eg: She said to me that I can't do that job.
7. The writer can merge some lines into one rather using Alot of same sentence.
For eg
Bad:
I saw her.I smiled at her.I started talking to her.
Good:
After I saw her,I smiled and started talking to her.
8. Forced dialogues
The part where the female character tells the male character "if he is iron man" ,it sounds a bit forced one.
To bring the fun element in the story.
9. Lastly about the story,the writer was unable to reach for people,its too direct and the logic used are not in sync.
Thank you