One.
There's probably only 4 distinct thoughts in my mind right now even though I feel like it's about to explode. 1) The table has got so much food on it all I want to do is dive in and eat it all. 2) I really want Ginny's dress. It's black and honestly I think would make me look pretty bad ass. 3) My fingers are tingling, but why? It's not like there's anyone I hate here. I mean I'm annoyed at Ginny, but I wouldn't exactly say I hate her. 4) He smells really nice.
Okay Lily you can do this. This was inevitable. Sure it was naive of you to think that Christmas at the burrow would involve anything other than this confrontation. Not that it's exactly a confrontation. I mean he doesn't exactly know I'm here. Not yet. And I'm going to keep it that way. No matter how much I know this was all Ginny's master plan, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of letting it happen.
Two.
He can't see me yet. That's probably because I'm stuck in between two large boxes and using a stupid umbrella stand to hide me. I guess that's what I get for trying to sneak down for extra food. Well Ginny did mention how there was a lot of leftover cake and of course she knew I was listening. She must have gotten him to do the dishes for some odd reason. Like maybe she framed him or something. I can't do this. I can't meet him. I'm not ready. I don't even know what I would say. Should I tell him that I don't remember a single thing from last year. Or should I just pretend that I'm the same person? Or maybe I should act all cold and everything since we did break up and all so really do I owe him anything?
Three.
It's only been half an hour of being in this place and already I know it was a huge mistake coming here. I don't even know how I let Ginny convince me that I should let her invite me to the Burrow. How it would be a great escape. She even convinced me that George wouldn't be here but of course he would. I mean it's Christmas! But then again it was either that or going to Malfoy Manor and honestly right now, I think weirdly enough I made the right choice. I haven't spoken to Malfoy since seeing him storm out of the heated conversation with Snape. He knows that I was listening and it's like he's annoyed at me. Well I'm annoyed at him. He can't expect me to be okay with the fact that he allowed Snape to have a conversation with him and actually consider letting him help him, but whenever I offer my help, he shuts me down.
Four.
Missions. Stupid secret missions. All to thwart the Dark Lord. He's the root cause for all my problems. That's why I have to do this- to finally escape from the trap I was put in from the moment that darn curse was placed on me.
Five.
It would be a lot easier if my getaway would be swifter. But I'm stuck. I don't even have my wand and I can't move without risking him seeing me. It's okay Lily. I'm smart. I can think a way out of this. But before I can come up with my master plan I hear shuffling. Shoot.
"George dear do you mind helping Ginny with the trunks," Mrs Weasley says. My heart races in my chest as the sound of her voice sounds so... familiar. No. I need to focus. This was a mistake. Of course it was a mistake. I was naive to think it would be anything else.
"Ginny's here already?" George asks surprised and I just scowl at her name. Half an hour is all she needed to get this situation set up. I don't even know how she did it if she hasn't even come to say hello to her own brother yet. But then again, it's Ginny. This must be the type of person she is, which I would know if I had my memories from last year.
"Yes, Fred's already upstairs with Ron and Harry. They arrived about 10 minutes ago." Mrs Weasley continues as she takes over the dish washing with a swift swish of her wrist. I gape at the scene. What have I got myself into?! I need to get out here- and fast!
Think think think think think think think.
Think Lily!
I can just about squeeze out of this but it's going to make a noise so I need a diversion. I watch as the plates rise as they self dry. Focus. Taking a deep breath I think about my hatred towards the Dark Lord, it's my go to emotion now because it's the strongest. I feel my arms tingle as I narrow my eyes with concentration.
"Should I take the room upstairs then?" George asks and my breath hitches as his voice pierces in my ears. Stop it Lily. Focus you have to focus.
"Ah, well you see Ginny has invited a friend over for the holidays. I must say I was surprised but she thought you weren't going to come until Christmas Eve with the shop and all. Foolish really, but the poor girl has nowhere to go and I jus-" Mrs Weasley says getting flustered. My mouth dries as I realise she's talking about me.
"Who is it?" George asks and is met with silence. I can't see Mrs. Weasley's face so I can't tell if she's comforting him or angry or frustrated or anything. I feel the power flow through me as I direct it towards the plates whilst also getting ready to slip out of my little hole.
"Lily."
CRASH!
I stumble out of the boxes disorientated as I hear Mrs. Weasley yelling in the background trying to control the flames. My knees buckle as I make my way for the kitchen door. He sounded so... emotionless. Like saying my name was the hardest thing to do in the world but he's pretending that it's okay. My palms reach out as I push the door open and run outside.
Panting I look around and see a small fire in the kitchen. I didn't want it to get that out of control but it's like after hearing him say my name I couldn't control it anymore. Tears well up in my eyes as I blink furiously. He's a stranger. He doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I suffocate a sob by holding my mouth closed tight with my fingers as if that's going to do anything.
The wind blows causing me to shiver and bringing me back to my senses slightly. Pull yourself together! I'm Lily Fowler. Yes I was stupid enough to believe that this would be easy. Yes I was an idiot for thinking that I could do this.
But at the same time, I know why I did it. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see whether I would be able to face him as Lily Fowler, whether he would be interested in getting to know who I am. I wanted to just escape for a bit.
Ever since the breakthrough with my powers, Snape and I have been working tirelessly and though it's been working, I've been feeling more and more reluctant to go to the sessions. I'm scared. The truth is I don't even know if I'm ready to face the mission I have to do, but now that I've made so many sacrifices for it there's no turning back.
I don't know what I thought I would achieve by coming here but I did think that there would be some sort of clarity. Something that reminded me that it's okay to be doubtful and now it's just time to take a leap of faith. I have no idea why I was drawn to this house... to this family... to him to get that courage but it must be something to do with my past with him. Either way, whatever it was, I'm here now.
It was a stupid decision. I've been doing a lot of those lately. Stupid me thought it would be okay to throw myself into the deep end this summer. Stupid me thought that I could go back to Hogwarts and everything would be okay. Stupid me thought that I could come to the Burrow and escape from my problems because I'm too scared to accept the fact that I might be a coward. Stupid me thought that... Stupid me thought that meeting him would be easy- would be the answer- would somehow make everything... okay....
I saw him. I heard him. It hurt. But that's a good thing right? It means that the Argent side of me isn't completely lost- isn't that what I was so scared of? After all this time of pretending to be a Fowler I lose it at him saying my bloody name. That's all it took. My name. Coming from him. A stranger. A special stranger. George blooming Weasley might as well come up with a catchy french name now since he managed to do what the Dark Lord hasn't - he's broken me.
"One" I whisper. No he hasn't, I refuse to act this way. I was fine until I heard him say his name so why should I let him have that much power over me? I can do this. I'll just slip away and go find Snape and tell him I want to start preparing for my journey. "Two, three, four, five," I mutter as I stand straighter, my hands balled into fists.
"Six," for some reason I feel like I'm being watched. Turning back to the house and almost knowing what I'm going to see, yet still finding myself surprised when I see his face at the doorway, pale, his expression unreadable.
My knees go weak again and it can't be because of this stupid relationship thing. No... this is something more... My vision blurs as I gasp out. "Seven."
I love you Lily. I've been falling for you since that first glare and I'll keep loving you till your last
No... That's not possible... It's a dream, it has to be.
"Eight," now I start panicking. I can't see clearly. My brain is getting overwhelmed with voices, smells, images - are they real or dreams? What can I believe? It's too much. It's just all too much.
My heart rate quickens to the point where I feel like it's going to burst out of my chest. If I don't die of heart failure then I surely will of heat since my body is warming up faster than an exploding sun. Palms clammy, I can't seem to steady myself anymore. What's happening to me?!
I'm never going to let you go
"Nine," I try to say but I can barely talk as my throat seizes. Black spots appear in my vision and I fall to my knees. It's too much... It's just too much... I don't know if I can get my body to calm down, it's like I've lost control over everything. Shaking. Every part of me is shaking uncontrollably and all I feel like doing is screaming and sobbing whilst at the same time I just want to pinch my mouth shut.
I guess I must have missed you a hell of a lot
I feel two arms lift me up but it's like my mind isn't connected to my body anymore. I know what's going on but at the same time, it's like I'm watching it happen to someone else, helpless.
"Ten."
The voice is not my own, but it's the last one I hear before I succumb to the darkness.