Before every decision from now on I'm going to think through all the possible consequences. Because never did I think deciding to be there for Malfoy would involve me standing watch whilst he attempted to capture a bird. It's very important for the mission he told me, but at the same time I can't help but think this is one of the more stupider things I've done in my life.
I stare at him as he leans over the tower window trying to coax a bird with a some bread crumbs. His eyes are full of concentration but there are balls of sweat forming on his head proving his nervousness. I doubt anything will get that stupid bird to come in this room, but at the same time I don't want to be the one to break it to him. For the first time he seems a bit happier, a bit more confidence. It must be that something is finally going right in his plans and I'm glad for it.
"Dammit!" He growls as the bird flies away. She had been toying with him for long enough and finally got bored. I'm surprised Malfoy didn't give up earlier but it just shows how important this weird task is for him.
"We'll get the next one," I say reassuringly but then the look I get from him makes me regret ever showing sympathy to him.
"Stupid animals," he mutters to himself as he sits on the floor of the tower. Contemplating whether I too am going to resort to sitting on the floor, I just lean against the wall. This place feels strange. Like it's haunted or something. I feel like there's some sort of presence here. One I'm familiar with but is also a stranger.
"You think I'm insane," Malfoy says snapping me out of my thoughts. My eyes widen at him, but the truth is out. Of course it is. Who wouldn't think it would be insane to spend an afternoon trying to get some bird?
"I do think your methods are questionable," I say after a pause. He just regards me sullenly. I don't know what he wants from me. One second he acts all grateful that I'm here for him and the next it's like he doesn't care.
"Why did you and Parkinson argue this morning?" I ask suddenly causing his eyebrows to shoot up. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I couldn't help but hear her whispered rants to Malfoy on my way to the Great Hall. It sounded trivial but I guess when you're not a Death Eater, simple issues are the only problems you have.
"I was supposed to get into Slughorn's party thing," Malfoy mutters defeatedly. He too seems to find it difficult to put effort into 'normal' issues.
"Oh," I say not knowing what else to reply. He shakes his head and smiles to himself as if he knew that I wouldn't know what to reply and makes things awkward. I was only trying to make conversation! It's hard when you're dealing with someone who won't tell you everything that's going on in their life.
"Why were you and Weasley arguing before the Quidditch match?" He asks causing me to stare hard at him. He saw that? Why does that make me worse? Someone actually witnessed me and my best friend have an argument about how I don't care about her anymore. About how I've changed and I'm not the person I used to be.
"You were right," I say defeatedly not in the mood to put my barriers up. It's so hard with Malfoy as well, especially since he's let his own barriers down for me. Malfoy just looks up at me, waiting for me to continue.
"I don't remember why I chose to do all this and sometimes I wonder whether I made the right choice," I mutter bitterly. Every day I find myself wondering more and more whether I did the right thing with wiping my memories.
"Well this might be a surprise to you, but I didn't actually talk to you before summer," Malfoy starts seemingly trying to lighten the mood.
"So I have no idea what your motives were, or are. But what I do know is that I don't think you would give up what you did if it wasn't important," Malfoy continues sincerely. "I mean at least you have a choice in all this. You made it. Now you've got to honour it."
"Yeah but you don't und-" I start but he just gives me a look.
"Are you about to tell me I don't understand Argent? Wasn't your whole speech about us being the only people who can understand one another?" He demands causing me to smile sheepishly.
"What I don't understand is why you haven't committed fully. I mean you obviously have this agenda to become some sort of crazy ruthless Death Eater but at the same time it's like you don't want to be," he comments as my eyes narrow at him. Could that be true? Am I stuck? Is that why I'm finding it so hard to make choices now?
"It's harder than I thought it would be," I say. "There are.. people I don't want to hurt," my fists clench slightly for admitting such a weak characteristic of mine. But Malfoy doesn't seem to express any emotions so I can't tell if he's mocking me or sympathising.
"You were naive for thinking otherwise. But I guess that's what makes you Gryffindor. You don't think about yourself first," Malfoy says, in a non-sneering way. "There's nothing wrong with that of course, stupid maybe, but not wrong. It just means that you have to decide what you really want," he looks up at me and I find myself at a lost for words.
"You're scared to let yourself to go. I saw it in the summer too. It's okay... I'm scared too," the last part is barely audible as for a split second all his walls come crashing down. But then as if he realised the mistake he made, they are drawn up faster than they fell.
"But that's all part of it. It's okay to be hesitant but sometimes you just need to jump in and hope for the best you know?" He says recovering quickly. I find myself nodding in agreement. Maybe that's my problem. I haven't just been able to jump in yet and that's what's holding me back.
"Thanks Malfoy. It means a lot," I say sincerely and he just gives me a stiff nod, suddenly feeling very awkward. "I only wish you'd let me do the same for you," I continue as he just rolls his eyes at me.
"You do help." He says defiantly, "more than you'll ever know." But I think I imagined the last part as he gets up brushing the dust off himself. He has been there for me and made it all a whole lot easier than I thought it would be. My eyes narrow at the bird that chirps softly as it comes for the bread that was left on the windowsill. What a schemer. I wait patiently as the bird gets closer as Malfoy rambles on.
"Don't think this as us becoming friends or something. We're just helping each other out," he says but I'm barely listening as I edge closer to the window.
"I mean sure if you were in Slytherin and if we didn't have the Dark L- I mean if things were different then I don't know maybe," he continues rambling, but I'm just focused on the bird. My hands reach out and I gently cup it in them preventing it from flying away.
"You're okay I guess but that's not the point. I have a lot to deal with right now the last thing I need is someone else to worry about," Malfoy says and I shake my head at him.
"Well luckily for you Malfoy," I say turning around and revealing the bird in my hands. "I can look after myself."
His eyes widen at the bird in my hand and I can see the questions run through his mind but then he just looks sullen.
"I had to gain his trust," he mutters darkly and I just raise my eyebrows at him.
"I could let her go and you can catch her?" I suggest.
"No no," Malfoy says hastily taking the bird from me. "And it's a him," he says as he stalks out of the tower. I roll my eyes at his retreating figure. He's such a puzzle. I feel like I'll never really know what's going on with him and it's... exciting. It's like finally knowing what it would be like to know me. I mean I know I'm difficult but at the same time it's so intriguing. How could anyone possibly resist?
"Hey look Malfoy's got a new pet!" I hear a fourth year jeer. They think they have some sort of power now because Malfoy's not his usual self. I watch as he stiffens and wonder what he'll do. I expect him to give some sort of look or threaten to hex the person like I witnessed the other week but to my surprise he keeps on walking. For some reason that makes me angry. Why would he let people think they can just talk like that to him? He's a Death Eater. He could have this idiot and his stupid friends killed with one word and he's just going to let them make fun of him? Well I'm not having any of that.
"Listen here you punk," I mutter in a low voice as I push the kid to the wall glaring at him. His eyes widen as I tower over him. "Talk like that again and I'll personally make sure you won't be able to say another word again," I say in a low voice. The terror in his eyes makes me satisfied, but I still give him a shove before walking away.
I've never done anything like that before. Not in school at least. And it felt... good. It felt nice to have someone fear me. Fear builds respect. I turn the corner and jump slightly when I see Malfoy leaning against the wall waiting for me.
"Stop doing that!" I hiss as I run my hands through my hair. It's like his favourite pastime is to be jut lurking in the shadows and making me jump.
"Why did you do that?" He asks his eyes expressionless. I purse my lips together and fold my arms.
"You're Draco Malfoy. You might get busy with your mission and forget that, but that doesn't mean everyone else should," my voice rings out clear as he just blinks at me. Great. Now he's annoyed that I made him look weak or something. What was I thinking? Malfoy being protected by a girl? A Gryffindor at that? What will people think?
Malfoy doesn't say a word as he walks away down the corridor. I stare at his retreating figure knowing that I shouldn't follow him, but at the same time knowing that's all I really want to do. He makes me feel like I belong and I don't want to lose that. It's weird. I've never felt like this before. At least I don't think I have.
How long will I be able to keep this up? My mind races as I know that this is only going to lead to more problems. Malfoy's right. We have our own problems to deal with right now and we can't have some stupid friendship coming in the way. We just have to focus on ourselves whilst also being the shoulder to lean on for the other person.
I watch his figure walk away and know deep down that it's going to be a lot harder to do.