Ryder's POV
"Where are you going?" I ask Evan, sitting up in bed wearing his white t-shirt from the pile of clothes he leaves in one of my drawers.
"I have to go." He says standing up from the bed shrugging on his dark colored blue jeans before proceeding to buckle up his belt.
"Why?" I ask, sounding like I'm whining.
"Because I have to." Evan replies simply, pulling his black t-shirt over his head before pushing his arms through the sleeves.
"But why? I mean, why can't you just stay the night?"
Please stay. I've had a long night. Please.
"Ryder I-" Evan stops as his phone rings against the bedside table. He frowns picking it up, reading the screen checking the caller ID before pressing it to his ear.
"Yeah?" Evan grumbles, rolling his eyes. I shake my head looking away from him biting on my lower lip,starring down at my fingers in my lap.
Why don't you ever stay with me?
"Well that is not my fault." Evan snaps into the phone.
I frown turning my head to look at him. He is scowling, his jaw clenched, clearly annoyed.
"I told you-" Evan starts to say but he is interrupted by another voice on the line, coated with anger. All I can tell is that it's a male voice.
"Okay fine! I'll be right over." Evan scowls before hanging up the phone.
"I'll see you later." He says leaning down pressing a kiss to my lips, but it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like our other kisses, it felt distant.
"Goodnight." He says turning around.
I frown as I watch Evan walk out of the bedroom shutting the door behind him. A few moments later, I hear the door to the apartment shut indicating that I am now alone.
What the hell am I talking about I'm always alone.
James' POV (Monday morning)
I walk down the hall towards my office, my polished black shoes sounding softly against the shiny light colored wooden floor with each step I took. I held a box of files in my hands; determined to go through it and finding the correct one I needed for my opened case. As I reach the middle of the hallway I briefly turn my head to peek into Harry's office but after taking a few steps past his door I stop myself in my tracks.
Frowning, I walk a few steps back until I'm right outside his door, slightly hiding behind the wall so he wouldn't see me. I spot Harry seated at his desk, slouching over, signing some paper work before my eyes involuntarily move down to his attire.
Normally, Harry would be dressed in a suit, unless it was the weekend, but today he is dressed in black jeans and a white buttoned up shirt with the top buttons lazily undone. My eyes divert back up to his face when I see him stop writing and for a moment I think I may have been caught spying but that wasn't why he stopped his actions.
Harry scowls looking down at the hand that was holding onto his pen. I knit my brows, not sure as to what he was looking at until he lets his pen drop on the scattered papers on the top of his desk; seeing his hand slightly shaking. My frown deepens when Harry blinks several times in confusion, parting his lips, bringing his hand up closer to his face to examine it more closely which only caused his hand to tremble even worse.
Harry lets out a deep breath fisting his other hand over the shaking one before placing both under his chin closing his eyes. He shakes his head as if pushing something out of his mind before running both hands through his hair while letting out a deep breath.
Poor kid.
I shake my head solemnly; deciding that it's best to leave him alone right now.
I turn and head down the hall into my office flickering on the light as I stepped inside. I walk over placing the box on top of my desk before my office phone begins to go off. Leaning over, I pick up the phone off the receiver bringing it up to my ear.
"Hello, this is James, how may I help you?" I greet, my voice firm but polite.
"Uhh.. Hey, it's Niall."
"Hey, Niall." I sigh, knowing why he is calling.
"I tried calling Harry but he didn't answer so I figured I'd call you instead."
"Yeah, I don't think he will be answering anyone for a while."
"How is he?" Niall asks, in a soft hesitant voice.
"The same way he has always been this time of year." I reply, opening up the box of files with my free hand.
"He's got the shakes." I add."It's like he is flashing back to the time in his mind and he is freaking out about it. He isn't trying to show it but I can tell."
"I wish Harry would just listen to us for once and-"
"Niall, you can't judge him for the way he feels." I interrupt. "None of you have the right to do that."
"How would you feel if you were in his shoes?" I ask, taking out a file from the box, stopping my movements waiting for an answer but he doesn't give me one.
"Exactly." I mutter. "So I think the best that we can do for him this week is to just leave him alone and try not to ask him much about it, okay?"
"Are you going to make him talk to Sarah?"
"Yes. I have to." I mutter, shaking my head. "I know it may not be the right thing to do but I'm just following orders. You know as well as he does that part of the deal was for him to speak about his problems."
"See this is why I don't like the police, or anything that has to do with the law." Niall complains. "You guys always think you have some sort of power over people."
"I'm pretty sure that you hate the police for other reasons." I reply, a small smile tugging on my lips.
"Besides, the laws are there to keep the public safe from guys like you." I add.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say hypocrite." Niall grumbles, waving this string of conversation off, making me chuckle.
"I just think since Harry has to talk to her at least twice a month, why does it have to be this week? Why can't it be towards the end of the month?" He asks.
"Yeah, I agree." I nod, placing the file on my desk, before leaning against the side looking out the window.
"However, the people who are above me and that are in charge of Harry's sentence aren't that easy to persuade." I add.
"Just please know that I am doing my best to help him out. He is my friend too." I remind him.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, bossman."
"Okay, well I have to go. I have work to do but I'll keep you updated."
"Okay, thanks." Niall replies before I hang up the phone.
Harry's POV
I stare out the wall of large windows that lined my office as the afternoon light shined through; the people down below seemed so small compared to where I am. It felt like they were out of reach, like me being up here made me seem like I'm something special, like I'm not in the same class as them. However, being here is nothing special.
The citizens walking back and forth to and from work and trying to catch a cab, they are the ones that are special. It may seem like I have such a great job being here but I don't. It may seem that I have a great life, that I am lucky because I have been sent to do my time working for the police rather then spending the last years of my sentence in jail, but I am not lucky. I am not lucky because even though it looks like I am free, I am not. I can't go anywhere outside my radius. I still have to report to James where I am going after work so he can extend my radius so I don't violate my parol.
This is not freedom, this is a leash and I am a dog having to follow guidelines and commands from a master.
To think that the main reason I was sent to jail wasn't my fault. Sure, I was involved but I didn't do it, why would I? I turned myself in for the crimes I did commit, and sadly another crime was blamed on me, the crime that is haunting me everyday.
At least I have the hope that one day I will be free and hopefully with James' help it'll be sooner than when my sentence comes to an end because honesty I can't handle this anymore.
"Harry!" James voice rings behind me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I quickly turn my body around to face him.
"Yeah? What?" I blink at him.
"I've called your name three times already." James frowns, standing by the door, holding a blue file in his left hand. "There will be a meeting in five minutes in the conference room."
"Okay, I'll be right over." I mutter giving him a nod.
"You holding up?" James asks after starring at me a few seconds longer with cautious blue eyes.
"Yeah." I nod, my voice quiet, playing with my car keys in my jean pocket trying to distract my mind from the dark thoughts.
"You sure?" He asks, tilting his head to the side like he knew better.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I scoff, taking my hands out of my pockets. "Now let's go, we don't want to be late."
The conference meeting was very tedious and a waste of my time. I could have spent this time looking for the stupid fucker I've been trying to track for two years.
About halfway through the meeting I gave up on listening in and focused back on the files I had to finish for the day. The sooner I finish my work, the sooner I get to go home and focus back on my own private investigation; but most of all the sooner I go home the sooner I can be alone.
Even though being alone sounds very depressing, I enjoy it. No one can hurt me but most of all... no one can get hurt because of me.
"Alright, meeting is over. All of you please go back to your daily business." James announced, bringing me out of my own little bubble.
I close the file I was working on, not before I signed my name at the bottom, standing up from my chair as others began to exit the room. I walk around the large rectangular grey conference table towards the front where James stood, stacking papers into a pile.
"I'll see you later, James." I say wanting to excuse myself to go back to work in my office but just as I was about to step out the door, James calls my name.
"Yeah?" I say turning around, holding the small pile of vanilla files in my hand, absentmindedly clicking the black pen in my other hand down by my side.
"I need you to go talk to Sarah."
Fuck.
"What? Why?" I blink at him, both upset and at a loss.
"You know why."
"Well I can't." I say in a calm voice, that I tried to measure out carefully, shaking my head.
"I have work I still need to finish, sorry." I add with a shrug, before turning on my heel stepping out into the hallway.
"Sarah is already waiting for you in your office." He calls behind me, stopping me in my tracks.
"What?" I gasp, turning around to face him. "Why would you do that? Don't I get any say into this?"
"Not while I'm in charge of you." He frowns, coming to a stop in front of me.
"So just because you are my handler you think you can make decisions on what I do in my life?" I retort.
Careful Harry, don't over do it.
"Quit being dramatic, Harry." He says rolling his eyes. "I'm doing this for you, plus it's not like it's the first time I send you to talk to her, you know you have to go."
"I know. I am forced to go so you all can see if I have change. Well newflash, I haven't stolen anything and I won't steal anything." I say, raising my voice a bit.
"Harry, we don't send you to talk to Sarah just to see if the need of stealing something has vanished." James frowns, shaking his head. "This is for you to also open up to someone."
Are you fucking serious?!
"Is everyone around me death?" I question, gesturing with my hand in the air, hissing at him.
Please, I am tired... I'm tired of all of this, of this life and I'm tired of myself. Do you all honestly think I can be loved even after all the shit that has happened? That I am actually worth working on?
"Can't you see that I hate it?" I ask, in a slightly calmer voice. "Do you honestly think that talking to someone is going to fix anything?"
"We will only know if you try." James shrugs, clearly ignoring my disagreeing wishes.
"Now go." He nods.
I scowl at him, biting my tongue to not say things I know I will regret later. I shake my head, annoyed, letting out a deep breath stalking down the hallway.
Just humor him, you'll be free soon.
"You'll thank me someday!" James calls out as I turn the corner.
"Not likely." I whisper under my breath, feeling anger boiling inside me.
I swear, where is a gun when I need one? I want to blow my fucking brains out maybe that way I can finally get some rest.
Ryder's POV
"Hey girl," Katie's voice chimes through the room as she steps into the apartment, shutting the door behind her.
"Hey." I mutter, my eyes still reading the printed lines on the page.
"What are you doing?" She asks, walking over.
I glance up from my book, holding my finger in place so I don't loose where I was reading before raising it up for her to see.
"Of course." She smiles rolling her eyes, tossing her keys and black purse on the coffee table before sitting across from me on the couch.
"You know I don't understand how you don't get tired of reading Romeo and Juliet?" Katie shrugs gesturing to the book on my lap.
"It's a nice story." I shrug. "Besides, I have to be prepared and know what to write for my final literature paper, so why not write on something I know well?"
That and the fact that it's the only comfort I get through all of this. It allows me to pretend and fill in the blanks in my own love life; but Katie doesn't have to know that, no one does.
"True." She nods. "But it's such a sad story."
"So?" I shrug.
"Ugh, never mind." She mutters standing up walking over to the kitchen.
"Shouldn't you be studying for the history exam?"
What are you my mother?
"You know I don't do well in history." I reply, shaking my head. "No matter how much I study, nothing ever registers in my brain."
"Maybe you should look for a tutor." Katie suggest after a while digging through the refrigerator. I roll my eyes.
"How's Michael?" I ask, and effectively the conversation moves to her wonderful weekend with Michael at a local French restaurant rather than my disappointing one.
Harry's POV
"Now why would I delude myself?" I ask, smirking at Sarah who was siting across from me on the other side of my desk.
Sarah was dressed in a tight red dress with black heels tied around her ankles, her chestnut colored hair cascaded down her slim shoulders, while a bit of her cleavage was revealed by the low cut on her dress. Normally, to how alluring she appears to be Sarah would have me weak at the knees, but no. No one has made me feel that way in a long time.
"Because you don't want anyone to see your vulnerabilities." She answers in a calm, quiet voice to which I assume she measures it out carefully as part of her job; to make me feel like I can trust her.
But I am not going to trust you. I will not fall into the sweet spell that makes every man fall for a women. I will not let myself endure with this pain again.
"And what vulnerabilities would that be?" I ask, leaning forward in my chair, folding my hands on my desk, looking into her eyes giving her a small mischievous smile.
Just keep asking questions, it'll make the time fly and I'll have less time to reveal things to her.
"The fact that you feel that you have to be the most confident and smartest person in the room." She smiles.
"However, confident people admit to their flaws, you don't. Instead you smile a lot and try to hide behind it." She adds making my smile slowly fade away.
"Or the fact that you are scared of the inevitable."
"Which is?" I mutter.
"Death." She shrugs and as soon as the word leaves her mouth it's like everything around me has come to a stop. After all this time she finally hit the main point to my depravity but thankfully she doesn't know everything.
I knit my brows at Sarah, leaning back against my chair resting my arm down on the arm rest.
"Now, why would I be scared of death if it's inevitable?"
"I didn't say you were scared of your own death." She says shaking her head, smirking at me clearly pleased by her own smart answer.
"You are scared of the death of others." Sarah states, lifting her chin slightly up in the air. "Otherwise, why would you try your very best to exclude yourself away from others to avoid the grief of loss?"
My lips part at her words, not sure how to reply to such a true statement. My eyes flicker down to a random spot on the floor as her words slowly sink further into my brain.
"Let's switch over to something more simple." Sarah chimes in after a few moments of silence, taking a bit of sympathy on me.
"I will say a word and you will respond to the first thing that pops into your head okay?" She questions. I give her a nod, my lips pressed into a hard line.
"Money." She mutters.
"Bank." I shrug.
"Police."
"Crime."
"James."
"Trustworthy." I nod.
Sarah looks down at her small note pad for a brief second before speaking.
"Your life?" She asks, her green eyes flickering up to meet mine.
"Perfect."
Author's Note
Hello my lovelies!! How are all of you doing? I'm so sorry it has taken me a while to update something on this story and my other ones but you know how life can be. My goal for this story is to not rush it, I'll be updating when I feel like it's right when I feel like what I have written is worth reading.
Also, I apologize if this story seems sort of depressing but please hold on and see what is to come. I promise there is a reason as to why I am writing all of this. Hopefully by now you guys are able to see a few parallels between Harry and Ryder in their emotions. I really am trying my best to make you understand how they think and how they are feeling.
Please let me know what are your thoughts in the comments below along with any question any of you might have. I will answer as soon as I can. Please do not be a ghost reader I love to hear from you!
Votes and comments are appreciated! Hope you liked the update! <3